*angst warning*
Another night of lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling. Your eyes were trained on the shadow your ceiling fan cast from the light your digital clock gave off.
Chris wasn't next to you tonight. If you thought hard enough, you could almost hear his steady breath. Without it, you wondered if you would ever fall asleep.
His final words to you replayed in your head, as they had all day and night.
"We don't love each other." He has been so sure of his words. At least, he sounded sure.
Maybe he didn't love you, but considering the heart-shaped hole in your chest, you loved him. Your legs could hardly hold you up anymore—not that you had tried much today. Everything hurt so much. Your only solace was found in the sheets that still smelled of him.
When did he realize? you wondered to yourself. You had thought it all day, but it rang louder now. Was it that day? Or has he never loved me?
__________
Entering into this relationship, you knew there was baggage. You carried your own, but Chris came with a family-sized travel set. Parents that never expressed love, siblings that never looked out for him, and friendships that had long since faded away. He hid this behind a personable demeanor and a caring nature. Whether they were coping mechanisms or direct effects from his childhood of neglect, you weren't sure.
All you knew was that you fell fast and hard for the blue-eyed boy that made you laugh and walked you to your car.
As time went on, you chipped and cracked into his deepest places, begging for him to let you in. Maybe you were praying too soon. Maybe he had his reasons for keeping parts of himself buried.
What you knew of Chris Chambers was a sweet guy that worked hard to get away from a small-minded hometown. You knew that man that wanted to go to law school. You knew the Chris Chambers that he had never imagined he would become.
You didn't know the Chris Chambers that could count on one hand the amount of times he had ever felt loved. You didn't know the kid that caused trouble because it was expected of him, so why not? You didn't know the teenager that had never wanted something so badly that he studied day and night to keep his grades above and beyond what anyone thought he was capable of. You didn't know the kid that cried on his best friend's shoulder in the middle of the woods. You didn't know the Chris Chambers that hated everything he represented.
When Chris was with you, those times he felt loved multiplied tenfold. You knew nothing of his drunkard father or his imprisoned brother, and all you saw was him. He never thought anything like this was possible for him.
Leaving Castle Rock. Going to college. Finding the love of his life—that's what you were, he was sure of it.
But the scared, insecure kid buried deep inside of him got a little louder with each passing day.
This isn't real, he would say. She doesn't love you. She loves this fictional version of you. This isn't who you really are. What if she finds out?
Chris grew distant. He called you less often. He made up reasons he had to go back to his place, no matter how late it had gotten. He backed out on plans.
Then that day.
He was fighting tears as he looked at you. "Let's be honest here, Y/N. We don't love each other."
The heartbreak in your eyes was almost too much to bear.
"We?" you had echoed. "Just say you don't love me. I don't need you to speak for me. Tell me that you don't love me."
He just looked away and made his way to the door to your apartment. He silently let himself out without a goodbye.
This is what happens when I listen to Clairo followed by The Neighbourhood. I get ultra angsty. 🙃 Anyway, I would die for Chris Chambers, but I will apparently not let him be happy tonight. M'kay.
~Mariah