It felt like my world changed course. I was a bobbing ship somewhere in the sea and without me touching the wheel my sails changed direction. I stopped facing clear sky and calm waters in exchange for clouds and waves. For once, I drifted.
An eerie sensation considering that I did fine in class, kept up with meals, and hadn't pulled my hair from my scalp yet. Odd, that I could let go and not sink.
And I still had time to grip the steers, but the desire to explore anew gripped me harder. I think it was because when I tried to control, things were still out of my hands.
Ahead of me, students stumbled to the side as Clara shoved through them to snatch my hand. "There is something you need to see!"
Without my answer she dragged me along, weaving me through the spread of blazers, ties, and reactions to bring me to the next hall. The most surprising thing was warmth. Spring began to heat at last, a slow gradual burn that streaked our faces. It probably wasn't what she wanted to show me, but the thought of the creature that could barely feel sun on his face came anyway.
She poked her head from behind the pillar, jerking back with a flush in her cheeks.
I didn't dare peek. "Is it a secret or something?"
"Not anymore," she muttered, rolling over me to switch places and put me at the edge. Her damp hand still held mine, squeezing as I freed half of my face from cover to find Miles standing and talking with his hands to Helena, who giggled so hard she risked toppling over the balcony ledge she so elegantly perched upon.
I frowned, a mixture of things compromising my hidden position. First, he said he planned to make a move but this felt so soon. Second, I appreciated that someone found my brother somewhat funny. Third, why didn't he tell me? Clara yanked me back to the pillar's base, her face scrunched in glee but no squeal to match.
"They are so cute together, can you believe?" By the curl in my lip and oncoming grimace, Clara tried again. "You should be happy for him! He's growing up!"
"That's kind of the big deal!" I whispered. "Who is Helena anyway?"
She rubbed my arms, torn between consoling and celebrating. "You don't interact with her much but she's really nice. Her family is from California, her favorite subject is pre-eternal biology, and she has the dream of becoming a nurse to help humans that survive immortal attacks."
"Are you selling her to me? Is this a pageant?"
"No, Mel, it's what you learn about someone when you talk to them. You know, learn the basics and all?"
I stuck out my tongue, gently pushing her hands off. "Okay, so she's nice but is she his beloved?"
Clara scowled. "No one knows until they know. Let the boy have a girlfriend!"
"Doesn't look like I have much of a choice!" My hands flew up before I could stop them, Clara shoving them back down before we both became too wide for the pillar. "He's only had two girlfriends in the past. Both of them human. Is he ready for this?"
My best friend gave me a look of mock sympathy. "Isn't that for him to decide?"
Yes, it was.
I guess my hands flew to the steer, another attempt to control what was so up in the air. Sighing, I let it go.
She said, "Besides, Helena is the best crush so far out of the pool."
"The pool?"
"People think your brother is hot! Even the first-year dance recruits talk about him during practice." Clara giggled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "He is popular. Be glad Helena is his first choice."
Helena the empathetic, sweet and giggly third-year. Not too shabby in comparison to the first-year girls that looked to sink their teeth into other third-year boys. Fine, I could handle it, but with a condition first.
"Can you tell me if she's genuine?"
Clara's gaze softened as she nodded.
I said, "Miles doesn't need heartbreak in his first year and she's never talked to me so she'll know I'm suspicious. I trust you to feel her out."
Like a saluting cadet she stood up taller. "Meet up with me at lunch, I'm going in."
Before I could stop her she fixed her collar and kicked away from the pillar to stroll into the open. "Helena! Hey! Want to walk to class?"
I grinned as she vanished and Helena's echo sounded through the corridor. Two points to Clara. One for being the inside eye, another for interrupting the private balcony session. There was only one final step which would be finished in three, two...
Miles passed the pillar, not even looking my way. I sidled next to him, facing forward even as he raised a brow and glanced back at my hiding place.
"Were you waiting for me?"
"If school hasn't been an example, I walk to class by myself." Just enough sass to make it normal, but still practiced. Miles eventually ignored me, walking ahead anyway. "I heard some girls talking about you in Constantine Hall."
I expected him to pause or tilt his head to listen better. Instead, he grabbed his backpack straps. "It's kind of annoying."
"Okay, what?" I stopped walking.
Miles laughed, his gaze falling to the floor with a small smile. "Don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling but if they don't talk to me then it's just a bunch of whispering. It would be nice if they stopped staring and actually tried to be my friend. Makes the process a lot easier."
"You call it a process. Forget I asked." I walked past him, hoping the extra dose of testosterone lagged behind us. He caught up expertly, still laughing.
"Didn't you have a process?" The longer I ignored him, he smacked his lips. "It had to be a cutthroat one too because you're still single. Jungkook said you didn't even care."
"Jungkook?"
His eyes almost bulged from his head when he realized what he'd done. His hands clamped onto the top of his head. "Don't tell him I told you. It slipped! The guys'll kill me!"
Jungkook... liked me?
"I'll have to run sprints probably. But that's too easy they're going to take my clothes or something. Or dye my hair—,"
My heart fluttered, and then those butterflies died. I'd liked him too and here I was... single. But maybe that was the cost of a potential relationship, a white cloak and higher power.
No. That was an excuse. I just missed my chance.
Miles paced back and forth, swearing under his breath. He stopped when I rested a hand on his shoulder. "Stop panicking. I'm not going to go turn you in. Do they really prank that much?"
His hands were around me, the hug crushing. I peeled him off of me just in time for him to babble. "They prank and they talk. There's a whole world of secrets and since I'm this far, Jungkook wasn't the only one. I've had to sit through conversations about you. Actually, there was guy that asked me to talk to you for him, but he's kind of a creep so steer clear—,"
"I've heard enough."
"I have too! They think you're great but you're gross! Who's going to tell them?"
I flicked his forehead. "You're the worst little brother."
He sucked in a sharp breath, laughing despite the pain. "You're just stupid."
He flinched as I raised my hand again, but he raised his too, both of us in a stalemate until a whistle tore through the hall.
From the opposite end, Namjoon's gaze darted between us both. "Hands to yourselves, please."
Ironic considering my hands were tangled in his shirt at one point. He would have better luck following his own rules. Ignoring him, I glared at Miles again for good measure and sauntered towards the place I needed to be. And I shouldn't have, but I peered over my shoulder and felt the small sting of disappointment when Namjoon was already gone.
The feeling wore off upon nearing the library. My fingers made fast work of shoving the necklace under my shirt and refastening my cloak tighter at the collar. My nerves relaxed when Canaan wasn't at his desk.
If there were books about Joth like Taehyung said, I imagined they wouldn't be so easily listed in the general J section unless he'd written one. The personal account section in the back was the better option.
Autobiographies and biographies made up three walls of content, perfect for the many papers and references in our works cited pages. Even better, it was a cozy and secluded corner with beanbags and coffee tables dimly lit and cooled for source preservation.
Some books were older than others. Most were in mint condition while others frayed at the spines. Their aged smell, paper and ancient ruins, intoxicated the chilled air grazing their covers.
Time flowed without boundaries in this place, and by the time I reached the conclusion that my book options slimmed, it'd already been a half hour.
The magnetism of the room seemed to pull in one direction, time sinking into the background as Taehyung appeared. Like muscle memory, my heartbeat quickened and a flurry of energy boosted my mood. It was dumb to think, but I worked to keep the thought to myself.
I missed him.
"I thought you had something to do," I whispered.
He stepped closer to me, close enough that our difference in height became more prominent, whispering as well even if he didn't have to. "I had a free moment. Do you need anything?"
It took a moment to register, but as my head sifted through the question, he remained unwavering. Patient for me.
His black tee shirt was loose and his dark jeans fit well. He leaned onto the wall of books, gripping a shelf with slender fingers and a toned arm. To think how easily he could break it, how he likely had to consider his gentleness with the most simple movements.
"I'm... not sure," I said.
His smirk was slow and teasing, golden eyes darkening. What I hated was that he didn't tell me what that look was or what ran through his head even if he seemed to know what happened in mine. "I've agreed to help you, but I want to know what I'm helping with."
"All I need is information. Learning about him will help me get inside his head."
When he realized it was all I planned to reveal, he let the bookshelf go and crossed his arms instead. "Is that it?"
Another chance for me to tell him the whole truth. It meant something that he wouldn't take it from me, and because he honored that trust, I sighed. "I want his ashes."
"Learning about him can help you get to know him, but that won't point you to where he's buried." Taehyung eyed the shelves. "Neither will any of these."
My brows knit together. "Do you know where they are?"
He shook his head. "When he passed, I never returned. There were rumors of what happened to him, and rumors about how his ashes didn't disappear. I didn't listen to them."
"You weren't interested?"
"Joth was a different kind of vampire. He lived in the past, and I think he obsessed over the what if's and dreaming about possibilities." Taehyung's voice lowered, his tone full of respect even if somber. "He was a romantic with fond recollections of his past life."
Then if his magick were true, if he danced in and out of his own memories, he likely got lost there. He could have used his gift to the last drop, exhausted his soul until it consumed him.
"It must have been a life worth living," I said.
The Taehyung so distant and blank returned. "Sure." He stepped back, the feel of him in my head receding like the tide. "I have to go, but like I said, he was a romantic. He journaled his memories, and I bet if you find it you'll learn what places in Lanithon Castle have significance."
"Where should I start?!"
"His bedroom. Any being keeps precious objects where he sleeps." As I nodded, he added, "Also, it should be easy to find... the handsy vorvian doesn't need to come along."
"He's a school guard," I corrected. "I was falling and he helped me."
"Would you do the same for him?"
"I don't envision him falling anytime soon. It also wasn't meant for you to see."
His eyebrow twitched. "I understand. Excuse me for overstepping."
The library was empty without him.
A man's bedroom. Joth's room in Lanithon Castle. One of the old sites at school kept true to old architecture over the modern enhancements for school. Not even the school's founders touched it, and to honor it further they removed a bit of the furniture and used the space for the most important office at the academy.
The next question was how to get there—and later I'd consider how the hell to handle what just happened in our exchange.
"I was going to ask if you were ditching, but I forget you're one of the gifted kids."
I turned to Yoongi. He dropped his backpack on the nearest reading table, unzipping it and pulling out a sandwich and bottled water.
"Is it already lunch?"
He hummed a nuh-uh. "I'm hungry now though." He cast a careless glance behind me and plopped onto a beanbag. "Are you finally here to return the—," he pointed at his neck.
"No, but why eat in the library?" I slipped my backpack off and sat down next to him.
"It's quiet, Canaan knows I'm a regular as long as I pick up trash, and I get Joth study hour uninterrupted." He held up a finger, digging into his backpack again for another worn book. "It's got the largest background on Joth I've found so far. He only had four people in this castle, ever, and he built it for his lover, Lucinda, who was one of the four until she died."
I leaned over the weathered pages as Yoongi flicked to the proper part. Another rough sketch of Lanithon Castle in grey and amber headlined a few paragraphs.
"Yoongi, do you really believe in it? An old vampire with magic ashes—,"
"Sometimes it's just fun to believe. If you think about it, some humans believe in us, but imagine if they believed enough to seek us out." He pushed the book to my side of the coffee table and dove for his sandwich. Plastic crinkled as he eased it out of the bag. "If there's anything to find, it's this. Magick of that level is extinct these days."
My stomach rumbled as he took a bite. "What magick? I heard from Clara but not from you."
"In vampire lore, Joth is like an urban legend. Very few ever met him because he stayed in this castle, but they say after Lucinda died, he used the many rooms as memory chambers. If he opened a door, he'd walk into whatever memory he wanted. So that's how he stayed with her after death, by revisiting memories." Before he took another bite, he added, "He had a mental gift, which is rare in itself. But he got lost in his own head, and vampires love to claim it's because he fell in love with a mortal and never recovered."
I imagined being immortal and loving a human. The expectation was that we'd outlive them naturally, likely form a few companions along the way. But if I were stuck on one in particular, if I found no other human like them, it made sense that they become part of my eternity too.
"Would the same memories keep you in one place?" Maybe it was too difficult to imagine a romance like that where the same exact scene stayed fresh for decades after. Too vast to wrap my head around. "Wouldn't you grow bored?"
Yoongi wiped crumbs from his mouth with a napkin. "No idea, I'm just here for the payout."
I couldn't help but laugh, grateful that he'd take the time to sit with me or share anything when he selectively spent his time.
"Do you want to find them too?"
I watched him slowly swallow, hoping he understood what I felt too nervous to say aloud. After a while, he closed the book and sighed.
"I wish you better luck than I'm having."
I reached into the space between us. "Let's make a deal. If one of us finds them, we save some for the other."
He stared at my hand, wiped his with the napkin, and joined my handshake. When he detached, he asked, "Would you ever consider becoming a vampire?"
I should've asked myself more often, but I guess I didn't need to when I belonged to a household of vorvian away from this castle and interacted with plenty of vorvian hopefuls here. For a second, I thought of Jin.
"I don't know."
Yoongi's lips flattened like the answer wasn't good enough but he'd take it. "I know dropir get praised, but there are vampires with cooler magick talent."
"Oh, I'd be one of the cool vampires," I quipped.
He nodded. "The worst thing, and worst is subjective, is that you'd need blood to survive. That's not terrible if you drink from animals or if you hunt humans and don't kill them."
I nodded along, a knot forming in my stomach. The vampire that slaughtered my friends didn't care if they were animals or not. Animals received better treatment than how he left them.
"What about the ones that plain murder?" I blurted.
Yoongi dropped his crust back into the bag. "It doesn't matter what kind of immortal you are, you can always stop wrong-doing. You can always kill. Besides, that's all vorvian do too. They just don't kill humans, and that apparently makes their murder more acceptable."
The words sank into my bones.
"That's why it was a good thing the Ivory Table gave Blaise a two-day suspension for what he said. Proud of the white coats," he said, opening up his water and guzzling it down.
They listened to me after all. Two days weren't enough to fail a class but they were enough to show the school what happened to fire starters. Isadora earned a fraction more of my respect. And if the main office didn't step in with a severity warning, then they thought it justified too.
"Yoongi," I said, remembering why his face brought me pleasure in this library in the first place, "have you set up a meeting in Headmistress Ochre's office?"
He glanced at me sidelong. "Once. She takes it pretty seriously too, so have your stuff together."
"How would I go about it?"
"Tell her you want to change your alignment."
I sat back in the beanbag and sank deeper if that were possible. My current courses were in a vorvian orientation.
To meet with Headmistress, I'd have to join the vampires instead.
The office would notify my family. The Ivory Table would know first and that trickled into the rest of the school. What I'd unleash would be something I never pictured in years.
But wasn't that an acceptable price for reliving what could change everything?
If I could bring my friends back to their families and lives, if I could erase the feeling of guilt around my neck like my ivory cloak's clasp...
When the clock tower bells rang for lunch, they sounded more like an alarm. A confirmation that the time arrived to get up and do what needed to be done.
✥ • • • • • ✥
(A/N) Beloved students,
Can't believe we're 9 chapters in. Gotta say I'm proud of the progress, and I hope I'll be prouder when we finish.
Sending you all my appreciation and hugs. It's a Monday and that means it's time for us to start our weeks strong. Have a good day, alright?
Next release: 7/17, July 17th
With love,
Milan