-October 22 1991-
It's a grand room, full of beautiful decor and fancy furniture. It does a fantastic job of distracting it's occupant from the fact that the beautiful room is actually a prison. The massive oak doors were covered in metal embellishments, but the handles were spelled shut, impossible to open from the inside. There were no windows in the room---suite, more like it. There were three rooms attached together, a living room, a kitchen and a master bedroom complete with a bath.
It was a comfortable prison cell, Severus had to admit.
It had been two weeks now, since Severus had confessed his traitorous actions to the Dark Lord, and was subsequently locked away. Severus had had plenty of time to think over his past two weeks of isolation (mainly because there was literally nothing else to do.) and whenever the boredom threatened to take hold, his mind would wander.
Severus knew that the Dark Lord had punished Pettigrew for attacking Little One---destroying, obliterating, ripping from limb to limb was more in character for the Dark Lord, Severus thought with a shudder. Severus was waiting for his punishment, and Severus had to concede that forcing him into isolation for two weeks with nothing but his thoughts and the anticipation of what's to come was a fantastic torture method.
Severus stood from his position on the plush sofa and began to pace around the confines of the living room. Severus still had trouble believing that pathetic Peter Pettigrew was the one who attacked Little One.
It was strange because, according to Dumbledore, Pettigrew became a spy to atone for his mistakes and attempt to ease his guilt at the passing of his friends. If that were the case, why would he attack Little One? The child of said friends? As much as Severus didn't want to admit it, if you really looked, you could see the resemblance.
No matter, though, as Pettigrew was probably six feet under by now.
At least now, Little One would have some closure from the attack and feel safe. Seeing the usually happy and bubbly Inferius so drawn in and afraid had hurt Severus deeply. He could feel the pang in his chest every time he witnessed the child flinch away from someone that wasn't the Dark Lord.
Deep down, Severus wondered how different things would have been if he'd done what he'd been asked all those years ago. Would Little One's fate have changed?
If he'd listened to Lily...?
-May 7 1980-
Severus shouldn't be doing this, Severus knows he shouldn't be doing this---this could ruin everything he was working towards, could ruin him, yet he couldn't stay away. Severus wished that he had the strength, yet the second he saw the familiar handwriting on the parchment, Severus knew that he wouldn't be able to stay away.
Severus had sat in his kitchen until the sun went down, his gaze boring holes into the letter sitting by his hand as he debated with himself. As he searched for any ounce of willpower inside him that would keep him away.
He found none.
And now, as he walked the familiar brick path down Diagon, he couldn't find it in himself to care. His dark gaze lifted from the worn bricks to the old wooden sign hanging off the equally old building. This was his last chance to back out. He could just turn around and pretend this never happened. He would have no reason to be ashamed, as he never disobeyed the Dark Lord.
Then he caught her gaze in the window.
She looked, in a word, exhausted. Her usually fiery hair looked dull as it was pulled into a bun on her head, a few strands hanging limply down her face. Her face was rounder than when he'd last seen her, but the determined glint in her emerald eyes was just as bright as before, if not brighter. The heavy bags hanging underneath her eyes showcased just how tired she was, and her fingers played absentmindedly with the ring on her finger---the ring that seemed to mock him. Her posture was grim and hunched and for a second, Severus could have sworn he saw defeat flash in her eyes.
But even then, she was beautiful.
Severus sighed, cursing himself internally as he walked forward into the bar. The sounds of the Hogshead assaulted his ears instantly, and Severus resisted the urge to cover his ears against the loud talking, yelling, singing and laughing that accompanied the drunk customers. He chose to grit his teeth and walk briskly to the table where she sat.
Despite himself, Severus found his face softening at the sight of her. Even with everything going on, Severus couldn't lie and say he didn't miss her. He always missed her. Had never stopped. (Something told him he'd never stop.)
She smiled at him and stood to greet him. Severus found himself pointedly looking away from her bulbous belly and chose instead, to accept her handshake. A small part of him winced at the formality between them.
"Sev," she said softly. His chest tightened at the familiar nickname and the fondness in the words. "I didn't think you would show."
"Neither did I." Severus said gruffly, sitting down in the chair across from hers. She sat down slowly, and smiled at him warmly.
"How have you been?" she asked him, her emerald eyes searching his. "Are you okay?"
Severus found himself wishing that he could let this continue. That he could just relax into the worn chair and allow her to worry about him like she did in Hogwarts. Wished that he could pretend, if only for a moment, that everything was as it used to be before the war tore them apart.
And for a brief moment, he did. He indulged himself and closed his eyes, allowing himself to believe that they were back in Hogwarts, just sitting in the Hogshead, hiding from the teacher's view as they talked about school and bullies and enjoying each other's company.
But then that brief moment was over, and Severus found reality crashing into him like a tidal wave. He sucked in a harsh breath and opened his eyes, allowing them to narrow dangerously at the woman he loves.
"Why am I here, Lily?"
Lily sighed and nodded, a finger coming up to play with her hair nervously. "I needed to see you." she answered. Severus's face screwed up with disbelief.
"Don't lie to me," he said harshly. "Does your husband know you're here?" It's cruel and he knows it, but the alternative was to let Lily continue to claw at the remains of his heart, and that was something Severus just couldn't allow.
Lily's face hardened. "I am my own woman, Severus." she said. "James doesn't need to know where I am every hour of the day."
"So that's a no, then," Severus snarked. "Best run along before Potter and the gang march in to arrest the slimy Death Eater."
"Damn it, Sev! Can't you just ignore the war for ten bloody minutes and listen to me?!" Lily cried, blowing a harsh breath of air out of her lungs in her frustration.
Severus stared at her in surprise, his eyes widening ever so slightly. This was when Severus really looked at her. His earlier assumption of exhaustion seemed to be a bit of an understatement. Lily looked to be one foot away from running herself into the ground. Lily let out a weary sigh and all but slumped back into her chair.
This position highlighted her swollen belly, and for a moment, Severus allowed himself to wonder how different things could have been had he not made that mistake in Hogwarts all those years ago. Would he have joined the Dark Lord's ranks, still? Or would he have joined the light, married Lily as he wished. Would she then be swollen with his child, not Potter's?
Severus forcibly pulled himself out of the thought and twisted his head to stare out the window. "Why am I here, Lily?" Severus repeated, his wariness lacing his words.
"I need your help."
Severus turned back to face Lily, his slightly open mouth betraying his surprise at the words. Lily was holding her stomach protectively as she met Severus's gaze. Her eyes shone with the same determination that Severus had always admired, and Severus found that he couldn't look away.
When it became clear that Severus wasn't going to break the silence, Lily dragged a hand through her tied hair and sighed. "I need your help, Severus," she repeated. "Please."
"What... What could you possibly need my help for?" Severus demanded, looking at her with narrowed eyes.
Lily looks down at the table, breaking their impromptu staring contest. Her free hand clenches around the air as her other rubs nervously at her belly. "Dumbledore called James and I in for a meeting last week," she spoke softly. Severus stiffened at the mention of Dumbledore. Was... Was Lily giving away information? Why would she... "When we arrived, he told us that there was... a prophecy."
Severus was blatantly gaping at Lily, now. He'd be disgusted at his lack of aloofness if he weren't so surprised. He felt completely out of his depth as Lily continued to share trade secrets of the Light to a known Death Eater.
"Severus... I'm scared," Lily admitted, lifting her head and allowing her gaze to meet Severus's. Severus flinched minutely at the sight of tears in her emerald orbs. Severus felt his chest tighten at the words, and a part of him longed to comfort her. Severus squashed that part deep down and continued to stare at Lily. "I fear that... I fear that the war is going to come to it's turning point and... and I fear that my baby will be in the middle of it."
"W-What are you talking about?" Severus asked, his gaze darting nervously around the Hogshead. Was this a trap? Did Lily call him here just so that she could arrest him? It was the only logical explanation. It made more sense than whatever was going on right now.
Lily caught his nervous glances and smiled at him softly. "I put up a silencing spell," she assured him. "There's a Notice-Me-Not spell around the table, as well. No one knows we're here. You're safe."
"What are you telling me, Lily?" Severus asked in a low whisper. "Why would you call me here and talk about Dumbledore? What's going on?"
"There is a prophecy," Lily spoke, her green eyes moving to stare out the window absently. "It speaks of a power that can... vanquish the Dark Lord---" Severus's breath hitched in the back of his throat, but Lily continued to speak. "---this supposed power is going to be born as the seventh month dies."
At this, Lily turns to face him, a single tear sliding down her face. "Severus, my baby is due at the end of July."
Severus can feel his body freeze, his eyes now impossibly wide. His mind was still floundering under the information that had been given to him. Everything that Lily told him was valuable information to the Dark Lord. Why would she tell him this? Didn't she know that Severus was a Death Eater? What could she possibly gain by telling him this---
"Severus?" Lily's voice brought him out of his mind, and Severus found himself staring at Lily with a dropped jaw.
"Why would you tell me this?" Severus asked. "I... I'm a Death Eater, Lily, you know this... Why---"
"James and I are going into hiding this weekend," Lily said, her hands moving to rest on the peak of her stomach, her fingers laced together. "We are going to be under the Fidelius for a very long time."
Severus didn't want to acknowledge the pain he felt at her words. "You---"
"Dumbledore is confident that the prophecy is true," she continued. "So he is placing everyone who is expecting in the month of July into hiding to protect them from the Dark Lord. But even still... even still... Even still, he believes my baby to be the one of the prophecy---"
Severus felt sick. "Stop."
"---My baby hasn't even been born yet, and he's already a part of this cursed war. I wanted my child to grow up happy, surrounded by friends and family. Safe in a world where he can walk outside without fear of being attacked." Lily continued, her face screwed up in grief. "Instead, he's going to grow up in hiding. He'll never be allowed to play outside. Never be allowed to make new friends. I don't even know if my child will be able to go to Hogwarts---"
"Lily. Enough."
"---I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant," Lily said, a flash of joy replacing the horrid grief for one moment. "I thought the war would be over by the time he was born. I thought we would have won by now. I was supposed to have my baby shower in two weeks, and instead, none of my friends will know where I am---"
"That's enough, Lily. Stop it."
"---How am I supposed to protect my baby from a Dark Lord? How?" Lily's voice broke. "I am just a muggleborn. I have no political power. I don't have any standing in this world. Am I meant to rely on an old man to keep me and my family safe? What happens when he fails? What happens when the Dark Lord murders my husband and I? What happens when we're dead and no one is left to save Harry---"
"JUST STOP IT!" Severus shouted, his fist slamming down on the table. Lily was startled into silence, her wide eyes glistening with unshed tears. The silencing spell was strong, and no one seemed to have heard Severus's shout.
Severus felt all of his fight bleed out of him at the sight of Lily's tears. Her emerald eyes were swimming with salt water, and when they began to streak down her cheeks, Severus collapsed into his chair.
"Just... stop it." Severus repeated softly. He held his head in his hands. "Why are you doing this to me?"
It was silent at their table. Severus remained in his stiff position, and his hands cradled his face, hiding his weary expression. Lily said nothing, the only noise coming from her were soft sniffles as she attempted to reign in her crying.
Finally she spoke.
"I think I am going to be killed soon." Severus whipped his head up at the statement, his wide eyes boring holes into Lily's expressionless gaze. "James is hopeful but I... I have always been the realistic one."
"Lily..." Severus whispered softly.
She smiled at him, and it was so full of grief that Severus had to look away. "My child might be the downfall of the Dark Lord. If you were the Dark Lord... what would you do?"
Severus swallowed back bile. He knew exactly what the Dark Lord would do, and so did Lily. He sighed, a hand coming up to drag through his hair. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked, his eyes closing under the wave of helplessness he felt washing over him.
"I'm here to ask you---no, beg you---to promise me..." Severus started when he felt warm hands grip his cold ones. He opened his eyes to see Lily staring at him, determination glinting off of the tears in her emerald eyes. His mouth felt impossibly dry. "Sev, please... if you've ever loved me I... I beg of you... save my son. If my husband and I are killed... please, Severus, save my son."
Severus stared at her, his mouth wide open at the words he just heard. Did she really just... Severus felt his gaze harden and he ripped his hand out of hers. He stood up quickly, ignoring the clatter his chair made as it hit the ground.
"How dare you?!" he hissed, hating the flush that he knew to be staining his cheeks.
"Sev---"
"How impossibly cruel you are, Mrs. Potter," he spat. "You bring me here after years of silence. You tell me things that My Lord would wish to know and use our relationship to ensure my silence. You speak of your impending doom and you dare to use my... my affections for you against me! And for what? So that I'll protect that... that Potter-Spawn?!"
Lily reached out for him, but Severus slapped the offending limb away from him. "Severus, please I---"
"Ask the mongrel you call 'friend'," Severus snapped. "I'm sure Potter would love it if Black took care of the thing."
Lily's hand flew down to her belly, and Severus couldn't stand the sight. "My child is not a thing," she said firmly. "Please, I... I'm begging you---"
"No." Severus said, his cold mask snapping into place. "I will not allow myself to be controlled by you. Not anymore."
Severus turned and began to walk out of the bar. He could hear Lily scrambling to follow after him. Her light footfalls seemed to echo in Severus's ears as he reached out to grab the door. He pulled it open and stepped out into the cool evening air.
"Severus, please, no! Severus, wait! SEVERUS!"
Severus didn't turn back.
Severus blinked, and for a second, Severus had forgotten where he was. The sight of the extravagant furniture and decor brought him back to the present. Severus let out a heavy sigh, and dragged his hands through his black hair in a nervous gesture.
The isolation wasn't good for Severus's mental state. Such was obvious by the way his mind wandered down dangerous territory. That night... On especially lonely nights, Severus would think about that night and the things he could've done differently.
Perhaps things would have been different if he'd done as Lily asked.
Lily and James Potter were killed a little over a year after that night, caught in the crossfires of a rebel attack. Severus didn't know how Lily knew she would die, but her prediction came true nonetheless.
When Severus heard the news, he shut down. Severus didn't leave his house, and in his grief, made the worst mistake of his life. (Or the second worst mistake, the first being the incident in his Hogwarts years) After he joined the Order, a part of him was expecting to run into the child that Lily spoke of.
He never did.
He never sought the child out, either.
But he never forgot about the baby boy that Lily loved with all her heart.
When he found out that the very child Lily had begged him to protect was the Dark Lord's Inferius, Severus felt his chest tighten like it'd been hit with a fatal blow. Now, Severus was forced to look at the child Lily had begged him to protect and remember his mistake in the most brutal way possible.
He wished... He wished he could go back... What would Lily think if she saw them now? What would she think if she could see her baby boy, frozen forever as a child, a victim of abuse and murder? What would she think of Severus? What would she think if she saw how badly he'd failed her?
Severus walked numbly to the bedroom and all but collapsed into the bed. He wanted Lily's forgiveness like he wanted air. And as he lays down on the bed, his arms coming to rest behind his head, he looks up at the ceiling.
"Lily," he whispers softly. "I'm so sorry. I promise you, I will do what you asked of me. I swear to you, as your friend---" he choked up, and for the first time in many years, tears sprang into his eyes. "---as a man who loved you, I swear... I will protect your son."
And as Severus closed his eyes, a lone tear slipping down his cheek, Severus could swear he felt a warmth encompass him, and the familiar scent of parchment and roses, the distinct scent of Lily washed over him. And just for a second, only one small second, Severus could've sworn he heard Lily laugh.
What took you so long?
Severus fell asleep with a smile on his face.