August 9th, 2012
“Are you sure that you can get home on your own?” I ask Grace skeptically as we’re walking down the sidewalk towards her house. She was completely drunk out of her mind so I wanted to walk her all the way home but she insisted that she would be fine.
“Yeah. Totally,” She slurs, leaning heavily into Henry’s side because it’s so hard for her to walk on her own by now. Henry wasn’t Grace’s boyfriend but he sure as hell wanted to be. They’d made out a few times previously to this night and they hang out a lot but she doesn’t want to be ‘tied down’ and I feel bad for Henry because he’s really nice but he should just forget Grace as a girlfriend now because she’s definitely not the girlfriend type of girl.
“Grace, you can’t even walk,” I say.
“It’s okay, Ana, I’ll take her home,” Henry assures me, wrapping his arm around her waist to hold her up. He pulls something out of his pocket and when I can see that it’s a pack of cigarettes. He takes one out for himself and then holds the box out towards me. “Do you want one?”
I open my mouth to say no but then I remember that Henry is friends with Trevor, who I’m still talking to, and for some reason, I think that he’ll think that I’m cool if he hears that I can smoke a cigarette. “Sure. Thanks,” I tell him as I take one of the white sticks out of the box and wait for him to light his own before setting the end of mine on fire too.
“I want one,” Grace slurs.
“No, Grace. Just no,” I say quickly, subtly coughing on my first drag but after that, I think I get the hang of it. It’s painful and disgusting but I pretend that I’ve been doing this for years, with the paper stick between my lips and holding it between my fingers like I’ve seen in the movies. I just have to play it cool.
“Anyway, I can get Grace home,” Henry assures me again, back on the subject of getting Grace home in one piece.
“Sure. Just make sure her parents don’t see you. They’d absolutely kill her if they caught her like this,” I tell him, thankful that I didn’t drink at all while I was at the party tonight because we’d be so doomed. Especially since I had to sneak out of the house to get to the party in the first place and I have to be home at midnight, before my parents get home. Penn is supposed to be watching me to make sure that I don’t leave, which is crap since he’s only three years older than me so he can’t legally be my babysitter, I don’t think, but I snuck past him easily because he was watching TV and I’m a pro at sneaking out.
“It’s almost 12:30, I’m sure they’ll be asleep by now,” Is what Grace tries to say but it comes out as one big slurred mess.
“Did she just say that it’s almost 12:30?” I wonder incredulously, pulling my phone out of my little purse. I was wearing a short little dress and I didn’t have any room to put my phone so I had to bring this purse with me to the party and luckily, I didn’t lose it in the crowd. Turning on the screen, I see that she’s right. It’s 12:20 and I’m so doomed. “Crap. I’m so fucked.”
“You go on home, I’ll take care of her,” Henry assures me, noticing my sudden panic. I was planning on helping Grace home and then going around the block to where my house is but now, I know that I’ll have to cut through the park that separates our houses. I don’t like walking through that park at night though, especially by myself, but I’m already twenty minutes late so I really have no choice. I see the entrance to the park up ahead so I warn Henry again to make sure that they don’t get caught getting into the house and then say goodbye to Grace, who is barely even conscious anymore. I’m not worried that Henry will try to take advantage of her like that because he is a good guy and I guess I’m kind of naïve when it comes to things like that.
When we approach the entrance to the park, Henry speaks up.
“Are you sure you should go through there? Maybe you should just go around,” He suggests.
“I don’t have time, I’m already so late. Thanks though, have a good night,” I say, hurrying down the sidewalk that leads into the darkness of the park.
The only sound in the air is the sound of my platform heels clacking against the sidewalk and my labored breaths. Well, they aren’t my heels- I stole them from my mom’s closet because they look really grown up and I like them. The boys at the party seemed to like them too.
Checking the time again, I start to walk faster- as fast as I can in these heels. I know that I’m probably just being paranoid but I feel a shiver of fear run up my spine as I speed walk down the sidewalk of the empty park. It’s 12:26 now so my only hope is that I get home as fast as I can and hope that my parents stayed late at whatever event they were at tonight.
I hear a twig snap to my left and I let out a gasp because I’m so on edge but I tell myself that it’s nothing. Probably a squirrel. Then again, that’s what everybody in horror movies says and then they end up dead. I don’t have anywhere to go though, so even if I did think it was a big bad monster, I just had to keep going forward. I was about halfway through the park. I can do this. I’ll be home before 12:40 and everything will be fine. I probably won’t even get in trouble since I’m not drunk or anything. Then again, I am still grounded so I’m sure that’ll piss my dad off, that I broke his rules.
Holding my phone in one hand and the lit cigarette in between my fingers, I hold it to my lips and let out another long drag as I keep speedily walking, just wanting to get out of this park now.
I hear footsteps but I look over my shoulder and I can’t see anything. In the park, there aren’t any lights or anything so I can’t really see that far in any direction. The moonlight is just enough to show me the sidewalk’s path to get me out of the park. I start to walk even faster, feeling serious dread run up my spine now even though I’m still trying to tell myself that I’m being paranoid. Things don’t actually happen in dark parks, that’s just how it is in the movies. I’ll be fine and tomorrow, I’ll laugh about this with Grace. Everything is fine.
I keep looking to my left, where I hear the phantom sounds coming from, but I still can’t see anything. That is, until I turn around to face the sidewalk again with the cigarette to my lips and I see a tall man standing there on the sidewalk, only about two feet in front of me, facing me with a wicked grin on his face.
“You’re too pretty to be out here by yourself, darling.”
I wake up from my memory-like nightmare with a loud scream and a thick sheen of sweat covering my whole body. When my throat goes dry because of how badly I’m screaming, I go silent but I’m still attempting to catch my breath when one of the nurse’s rush into my room.
“Ana, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Nightmare,” I gasp. “I’m fine.”
But it’s obvious to both of us that I’m not actually fine. No matter how much I try, I still can’t catch my breath. I feel like there’s a car resting on my chest, prohibiting me from breathing, and it feels like my heart is going to literally beat out of my chest. I’m having a panic attack and I can’t speak anymore because I can’t breathe but the nurse knows what’s happening so she hurriedly goes into the hallway and returns with a canister of pills. I start to frantically shake my head.
She puts a hand on my shoulder and says, “It’s okay, they aren’t sleeping pills. They’re going to help you relax but they won’t put you to sleep, alright? Do you think that you can take one?”
I nod and then open my mouth because I can’t keep my hand steady enough to give myself the pill. The nurse drops the pill into my mouth and then lifts a cup of water to my lips and I take a sip but not enough to choke on.
In a few minutes, my body feels lighter and I’m finding it easier to breathe with the help of the nurse’s encouraging remarks. When I’m finally calm enough, I cradle my head in my hands.
The memory of that night burns in my skull, giving me a major headache and it burns all the way down to my stomach, making me want to vomit. My instincts are telling me to run. I want to run away from it all. But how is it possible for me to run away from my own mind? It’s inside of me- burning a hole through my core. And I cannot run. I cannot forget.
“Ana, just take a few deep breaths, alright?” The nurse advises me slowly. “Everything is alright. You’re safe. Would you like to see one of the therapists? Or a doctor?”
I shake my head the best that I can even though I feel like my head weighs a ton and the weight of it is breaking my shoulders, so I just lay back down so that I don’t have to hold it up anymore. It’s already eight in the morning so it’s time to start the day but I’m deciding that my day isn’t ready to start just yet. There’s no way that I’d be able to hold down any kind of breakfast or deal with any socialization, even if it’s with Mia or Desiree. I don’t want to talk to anybody, I just want to scoop my brain out and replace it with another one. One that is brighter, happier. I don’t want this piece of mangled junk anymore.
“I’m okay,” I tell the nurse. “I’m just going to sit for a while.”
“You should come out to the common area,” The nurse suggests. “It’ll help you take your mind off of things.”
“My mind can never be taken off of things,” I mutter, tears spilling out of the corners of my eyes. “Nothing will ever take my mind off of this thing. It is always there. No matter what I do. No matter where I go. None of it matters because it will always be there. And I’d prefer it if I have some privacy for a while, please. I’m not going to try and off myself, okay? Honest. I just want to be alone.”
She gives me an uneasy look before she nods. “Alright. I’ll be back soon to come check on you.”
“Sure thing,” I mumble, turning to face away from the nurse, laying on my side as she leaves the room. I don’t want to cry- I’ve spent three whole years crying over just one night and I don’t want to anymore. And yet, here I am, spilling bucket loads of tears onto this cheap pillow because I can’t stop it. I can’t just tell my brain to stop being sad or my eyes to stop leaking my bodily fluids. I can’t stop remembering that night like it happened only yesterday. I wish that I could just scrub my brain clean from all of the dark things that I remember but I can’t. Three years of mental hospitals and deep cuts on my wrists prove that it’s not that easy to just forget something like that.
Eventually, I’m able to cry myself into a light slumber and fortunately, I don’t go deep enough into sleep that I dream again, I just lay in my tiny bed, occasionally hiccupping from crying so hard, only half conscious. Sometimes, I’ll hear nurses come into the room but they don’t bother me, I just move enough so that they know that I’m alive and then they leave. In this moment, I wish that I was completely unconscious but not just temporarily. Forever unconscious. In a casket. Then, I wouldn’t have any more tears to cry. It’d be their turn. They’d cry for me but they’d move on. I’d become a memory to the people that I love. Penn. Peter. My parents. They’d be sad for a while but then, after they spent time mourning, I’d be just a memory. A blip on their radars. No anchor holding me down to anybody at all. Just me and the stars.
I know that I’m not going to try anything to try and kill myself because for one, I am apparently unkillable. I have tried plenty of times and yet, here I am. Still kicking. Still breathing. Still remembering. For another, I have reasons to live. I have more macaroni pizza to eat, more Nsync to listen to, more Emily Dickinson to read. I haven’t gone bungee jumping yet. Or sky diving. I haven’t traveled the world. I’m not ready to die yet and I know that, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes, like today, I have my bad days and I ignore all of the good things and only think of the bad things and I want to die. Despite food, music, literature, and the people around me, I still want to die.
By the time that I feel my bones start working again, I feel so stiff and achy but I still find it in myself to turn and look at the clock hanging on the wall that’s telling me that it’s already 12:45 which is bad because I’m supposed to be leaving with Niles at one since today is Wednesday, our planned outing day. I’m not really feeling up to it today but I suspect that getting out of here, smelling the trees, being out in the real world with Niles, it’ll make things better. It won’t take my mind off of things or make me forget, even temporarily, but maybe I can cheer up just a little bit.
My knees are weak and I can’t feel my tongue as I slowly drag myself out of the dormitory area and towards Dr. Lombardi’s office, where she has the clothes that Sienna sent me to wear today and that’s where I’m supposed to meet Niles so that we can leave.
When I approach Dr. Lombardi’s office, it occurs to me that I must look like absolute crap so before going in, I smooth my hair out and wipe my eyes clean from the goop and dried tears that have rested there since this morning. I walk through the door and Niles is sitting in the chair that Dr. Lombardi usually sits in and Dr. Lombardi is behind her desk.
“Hello,” I offer them my chirpiest greeting but with my heavy mood, I know that it doesn’t sound convincingly chirpy.
“Ana,” Dr. Lombardi says, apparently surprised to see me up and moving. “I thought you were in bed.”
“Well, I was. But then I got up. It’s time to leave soon,” I remind her, motioning towards the clock on the wall. “And I still have to get dressed.”
“Ana, I’m not sure that you’re up to it today,” She tells me apologetically. “Not after what happened this morning.”
“What happened this morning?” Niles wonders from the chair that he’s sitting in, looking back and forth between me and Dr. Lombardi. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, I’m just dandy, thanks for asking,” I assure him with a forced smile. “It was just a little mishap, but I’m fine. I can still go out.”
“I just don’t think that’s a good idea,” She says stubbornly.
“Well, it’s better than just wasting away in here, isn’t it? What could possibly go wrong out there that couldn’t happen in here?” I ask her, feeling kind of irritable that she might not let me leave today. It was literally the only reason that I got out of bed. “I promise not to jump off of any cliffs while I’m gone.”
She still looks unsure but before she can say ‘no’ again, Niles speaks up, “Hey, it’s okay if you’re not feeling up to it today, Ana. We can wait until tomorrow or next week or something.”
“Not feeling up to it?” I repeat his phrase incredulously. “I don’t have the flu, I have depression. I feel it every single day, it’s just that this particular day, I let it show more than I do most days. That’s it. I’m fine.”
“I still think that today just isn’t a good day,” Dr. Lombardi says. “And I don’t feel comfortable signing off on it. However, if you two would like to talk for a little while, why don’t you go on into the visiting room?”
“Yeah, let’s just do that,” Niles agrees with my therapist. “Ana, really, it’s fine. Let’s just go hang out in there for a while, alright?”
I know that it’s childish but I just feel so irritated that they really don’t think that I can handle going outside today. As if I’m some kind of toddler that can’t handle my emotions. I know that my track record isn’t phenomenal and maybe they have solid reasoning behind why they think the way they think about me but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I roll my eyes at them with my arms crossed over my chest and then I turn and, without another word, leave the room.
Once I’m in the visitor’s room, I sit down at the small table in the corner. It’s empty right now because it’s not technically visiting hours so I guess that me being in here right now would be against the rules if Dr. Lombardi didn’t just give me permission. Leaning my back against the wall beside my chair, I close my eyes and try to take a few breaths but, even now after so many hours of waking up, I still feel like my breath is short.
“You okay?” Niles wonders, causing me to open my eyes to see him standing in front of me.
“I’m top notch,” I assure him but I don’t even attempt to try and make it sound convincing.
“Ana,” Is all he says, as if just the act of saying my name is supposed to make me want to elaborate on what’s going on.
“It seems that I am getting bad again,” I say under my breath with a fleeting sarcastic smile before it’s gone, my lips too heavy to hold any sort of expression for longer than a few seconds.
“What does that mean?” He asks me as he sits down at the table, right across from me.
“Don’t worry so much,” I tell him. “It only lasts for a day or two and then I’ll come back. I’m sorry that we couldn’t go out today.”
He starts chewing on his bottom lip and he looks really worried about something- probably me. If I wasn’t so exhausted with being alive, I would have tried harder to assure him of my well-being. “Don’t worry about it. Really, we can go out anytime.”
“I told you that you shouldn’t be friends with me,” I say quietly. “This sort of thing happens slightly often and it’s not fair to people like you that people like me sometimes get bad and can’t do things.”
“Ana, if cancelling plans every once in a while is the worst thing that you do, I promise that you’re not a bad friend to have.”
“I had a nightmare,” I tell him, looking up at the ceiling and yelling at my emotions to stay in check. No crying right now, not in front of Niles. “That’s it. My whole heart. My mind. My entire being is just shattered just because I had a stupid dream. It’s so pathetic, the whole thing.”
“It’s not pathetic,” Niles says to me with a strong amount of conviction. “Ana, it’s okay to have bad days sometimes, alright? It’s okay.”
“I don’t know how you deal with me,” I tell him in all honesty. “I’m such a mess. Seriously.”
“Do you want to talk about what your dream was about?” Niles suggests lightly. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to but maybe it could help.”
I shake my head at him, “No thanks. I just want to forget. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Obviously, that’s just not happening though. It just keeps coming back and it shatters me every single time.”
“Ana, I really want to help you but I just don’t know what to say right now. What do you want me to say?” He wonders pleadingly.
I shrug. “Can you tell me what we were going to do today? Before I decided to have a mental breakdown.”
“We were going to go to the park,” He tells me. “And we can still go. Next week maybe. Or Friday, after I get out of practice. Or whatever you want to do.”
“You’re… I like that you’re my friend, Niles,” I say, the tears finally winning their battle over me and spilling over my cheeks without my permission and I hate it so much but there’s nothing I can do about it now. “I wish that you didn’t see me like this though.”
“I don’t mind,” He says quietly. “I don’t know why you think that I’m just going to get up and leave but I’m not. No matter how much you want me to give up on you, I’m just not. I’m in too deep now. I care about you and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense,” I tell him. “I’m barely even a person at all anymore. You can’t be friends with a Swiss cheese version of a person.”
“What does that mean?” Niles asks me with raised eyebrows.
“It means that they took me away. And they never really brought me back. Only bits and pieces,” I mumble. “They ripped me to pieces and devoured most of them.”
“Who? What are you talking about?” He wonders, obviously confused as to what I’m talking about but I think that I’m talking more to myself than I am to him.
“The guys who attacked me,” I tell him as if it’s obvious, which I thought that it was. When I see the look of incredulity on his face, I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, come on, Niles, I’m sure that you could have assumed that much. The way that I don’t do well with male company. I don’t like being touched. I’m sure you could have put that much together at least.”
He pauses for a moment and then speaks as if he doesn’t really know exactly what to say and that scares him. “I was hoping that I was wrong,” He says in a way of admission.
“Yeah, that makes two of us,” I mumble. “But I rarely ever get what I wish for. That’s just life. I learned that lesson the hard way and I was only fifteen. And I can’t even believe that I’m actually talking about this with you. I haven’t talked about this in forever with anybody.”
“It must be my dazzling personality,” He tries to lighten the mood and it almost works a little bit.
“Definitely,” I agree with him, trying my best to lighten the mood as well but I’m not so sure that I pulled that off. I look up at him and I don’t know why- maybe it’s something in his eyes- but he just makes it so incredibly easy for me to tell things. I want to spill my guts to him completely. I want to tell him everything about me and I don’t know why. There’s just something about him. Something magical. “I wish that you’d realize what a mess I am.”
“Well, you said it yourself,” Niles points out. “You don’t really get what you wish for.”
I have no idea how he does it, but he actually makes me smile. Granted, it’s not a huge grin or anything, it’s very faint and maybe not even noticeable to him, but it’s genuine. “No, Niles. I don’t.”
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Song: Breathe Me by Sia (Super perfect for this chapter tbh)
Picture: Fan cover by overthiisplace
AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT
Title: Secret Sister
Author: rosefan23
Genre: Fan Fiction
Summary: Hi, my name is Kelly and I am an orphan in London, England. My life is horrible and terrifying, as you will find out in this book. Living in an orphanage (aka prison) isn't the life you want. I have one wish, that is to have freedom from this prison. My life has been absolute hell, at least I have Hailey, my best friend. Will anyone ever adopt me? However, on the other side of the world, Ariana Grande is a famous singer/actor and lives in pure fortune, though it does get a bit boring. Never, has she realised that she is related to a person who lives the polar opposite. When Ariana visits One Direction, will everything change? Will they ever know that they are sisters even though they are half a world apart?? Travel with Kelly, Ariana, Hailey and One Direction in the adventures of Ariana Grande's long lost sister.