"Oh my God, I seriously want to die right now." I fling myself across Mey's bed and smoosh her pillow to my face, the silky fabric cool against my over-heated skin.
I managed to avoid everyone at school today. I arrived early and was in first period before the warning bell. And at lunch, I ate by myself in the library. Smith had a meeting after school, so I didn't even see him then. We texted back and forth like nothing was wrong, but I just couldn't bear to face him. Not yet.
The mattress dips as Mey slides onto her stomach next to me, her arm resting reassuringly against mine. "Okay, tell me again what happened. And this time, exclude all the cringes and groans. Just give it to me straight—no drama. Leave that to me, your friendly neighborhood thespian."
I suck in a breath and clench my jaw, taking advantage of the fact that she can't see my sour expression. "Smith came over last night and we were talking about Emma, that is, after she threw herself at him in my driveway—"
A whoosh of air rushes over my cheeks as Mey whips the pillow away from my head. "So I can hear you," she says, her tone borderline impatient.
I squeal up at the ceiling fan and roll my eyes. "Last night, after Smith and I talked to Emma, I asked if he was still in love with her. He said he did love her, but as a friend. And when I told him that I loved him, he said—and I quote—'I have to go'."
My stomach sours just thinking about it and I'm afraid I might throw up, even though I've barely eaten all day.
How could I have blurted it out like that? The only phrase in history that has the ability to make normally fearless men run for the hills. And I said it like it was no big deal. Especially after he'd just seen Emma for the first time in six months—alive—which is something none of us expected. If I could go back in time I would. Take back what I said. Even though I meant every word.
"So, he didn't say it back?" Mey crosses her ankles behind her and cups her chin in her hand.
"He didn't even acknowledge it."
I can see the wheels spinning in her head. "Well, there's your answer then." She rolls onto her side and gives me a determined nudge. "He obviously didn't hear you!"
"He definitely heard me. My mouth was an inch away from his." I squeeze my eyes shut and reach again for the pillow, pressing it into my face.
Once again, Mey whisks it away. "Would you stop doing that? Oxygen deprivation can lead to brain damage, and you don't want to kill off any I.Q. cells, do you? You're going to need them for college."
"College is literally the last thing on my mind right now."
Without warning, the bedroom door swings open and Mey's younger sister, Bo, barges in, her slight frame somehow finding a way to fill the entire doorway. "Thank God you're here! I need to borrow your white turtleneck pullover. The cashmere one you got for your birthday last year. I'm meeting Izzy at the mall in thirty-five minutes."
Mey bolts up, twisting the comforter beneath her. "Are you insane? The last time you borrowed one of my sweaters you snagged it beyond repair!"
Bo stomps her booted foot, her pretty face contorting into a grimace of annoyance. She flips her long, dark hair over her shoulder, her eyes like beautiful brown daggers. "But it's an emergency! She said Derrick's working at the yogurt shop tonight and I've been dying to talk to him. We've got it all planned out—what I'm going to wear, how she's going to make an excuse to leave us alone, what I'm going to say."
Mey shakes her head like she's trying to make sense of the words. I sit up too, ready to jump out of harm's way. This isn't the first time I've seen Mey and Bo get into a fight. Things can get ugly fast around here, especially when their parents and older brother, Jian, aren't around to keep the peace. "It's not my fault you involved a piece of my clothing in your stupid scheme! Find something in your own closet."
"But that color looks amazing with my complexion!"
"So what! You're not wearing my sweater. Now, get out!"
"You are the most selfish sister ever!" Anger ripples through Bo like a current, sending a deep flush across her face until it reaches the tips of her ears. "I'm telling Mom when she gets home!"
Mey throws the pillow at the door just as Bo slams it shut, and lets out a frustrated growl. "I swear to God, fourteen-year-olds are so annoying! Just you wait. Someday, Rowan will grow out of her sweet stage and turn into a total nightmare."
I prop myself up at the head of her bed, my back against the white iron frame. "I kind of doubt that's going to happen."
Mey's expression softens, her forehead pinching with concern. She wiggles up next to me. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I guess you'll have different issues to deal with, huh?"
I shrug, bring my knees to my chest. Change the subject. "Smith doesn't love me. He's still in love with Emma," I murmur, rerouting Mey back to the reason why I'm here in the first place, when I should be at home, showering after soccer practice.
"You don't know that." Mey rests her cheek against my shoulder and grasps my hand in hers. "Is that why you weren't at lunch today?"
A tear pools in the corner of my eye. I wipe it away, before it has a chance to make itself known. "I couldn't face him. I sent him a text and said I had work to do in the library. I haven't seen or heard from him since."
She sighs, her entire body deflating. "I'm sorry this sucks so bad. He cares about you, Arbor. I know he does. Maybe he's just not ready to say it out loud? Boys can be funny that way. It took Kobe forever to tell me that he loved me, even though I said it to him every day since our second date."
But this isn't the same situation. Doesn't she get that? Mey never had to compete for Kobe's attention.
"What if he's never ready?" I turn to assess her expression as the questions tumble from my mouth. "What if he never cares about me the way he cares about her? What if they get back together?"
Mey's lips part but it takes a minute before anything comes out. Like maybe she's holding onto something and she's not sure if she should let go. "Are you glad Emma's back?"
Oh, wow. That's not what I was expecting, even from Mey.
"What kind of question is that?" I hug my knees closer and rest my chin on top. "Of course I am. When the police announced she was officially missing, it was the worst day of my life. Not knowing what happened to her, or where she was. If she was alive or ... dead."
"And we still don't know what happened," Mey says, her voice thoughtful. "I wonder if we ever will."
The skin on the back of my neck prickles. "We will. I just need to spend some time alone with her and see what she remembers. Not that it even matters. She's home, and that's the best news we could have asked for."
"True. But aren't you curious?"
I think about that before I answer. Anything could have happened. Anything. Do I really want to know?
I inhale a sharp breath and release it in a huff. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I feel bad admitting that out loud, especially since she's the one who lived through it. But I'm not as strong as Emma."
And that's the truth. She's always known what she's wanted and has never hesitated to go after it, no matter how ambitious it may have seemed. Meanwhile, I've allowed fear to make decisions for me. I've let it rule my life.
It wasn't until Emma was gone that I started taking baby steps out of my comfort zone. And still, every day, I have to push myself to keep going. To continue trying new things and be more open with my feelings. To convince myself I'm not as weak as I think.
It's not easy.
"I should go." I push myself from the bed and grab Mey's pillow from the floor, tossing it into a chair.
"Hey." Mey stops me as I turn the handle to leave. "Being in love with Smith doesn't make you a bad friend."
I give her a small smile. "Maybe not. But it doesn't make me a good one, either."
I close the door before she can respond.