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Adeline's POV
𝐈 𝐆𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 time to face everyone. To stop ignoring their messages and phone calls. To stop ignoring Him.
Wait not God though - okay shut up Adeline.
I felt like I had no one to talk to at this point. No one who was outside of the situation who knew me well enough, and who I felt comfortable enough around to vent to. Blaire now had college, Angelo had school, and Mom was at a Ladies Lunch according to her Instagram story, Aunty G was at some talent event.
I knew this small circle would give me the time if I asked for it, but I felt like this issue would be so small in their eyes and I didn't want to burden anyone further.
Tears were streaming down my face before I decided to turn my phone off and pack up all my shit. I finally decided to stop looking at Twitter and Instagram as I was basically asking to see the hate on me. So I mindlessly went to an app that always made me laugh, TikTok.
But since my For You page was of course partially HSMTMTS related, I was mad at myself for not realising it quick enough - because guess what was the hot topic on all their pages as well?
Thankfully I had a 'user364385399' type account so none of them knew I was on here, but a part of me wishes they did, because maybe they would calm down. Wait, who am I kidding...they were publicly calling me out on Twitter, nothing could stop them.
And literally the third video that came on my For You page made my eyes widen before they stung, because it was of me. I'd imagine it would be the weirdest feeling to see yourself on your FYP, I mean imagine being Noah Schnapp, everyone tagging you and hyping you up so you could get noticed. But when it's a video with the caption 'THIS GIRL OF ALL GIRLS?' before tagging @joshuatbassett... it was the worst feeling.
And they weren't just harassing me, these 'fans' were mostly talking about Josh for doing this to them?? Doing this to Olivia? They were mad at their common crush for this and it almost hurt more to see that I was the catalyst of another scandal-like uproar.
I had seen these types of videos and comments before, before I ever met Joshua. Videos with any girl he hung out with unless they were majorly loved like Sabrina Carpenter or something. A girl that was driving with him and talking to him flirtatiously, was getting torn apart in the comments because she was 'trying too hard' and her voice was annoying, a girl laughing with him at his apartment had the commenters freaking out that it wasn't Olivia. But this video on my For You Page, I never expected to be seen.
It was a video of me walking with Josh through the airport and I was looking up to him as I leaned into his collarbone; his arm was comfortably wrapped around my shoulder. We were chatting effortlessly, Chelsea was in the background on the phone before you could notice me eye the camera and distance myself from him.
The two girls at the airport when we landed in Salt Lake City. I fucking knew it.
My first instinct was to comment under it and call them out for this. But I would be in the minority since the rest seemed to be laughing at the blonde girl, or simply cursing her out. And me behind this basic username, my comment wouldn't mean shit. They would have no idea it was me and it'd go ignored. So I just swiped away and closed the app. But it took me over the edge.
People have the generic understanding that they shouldn't let hater's words get to them, but when you're just a simple girl who considered themselves to be a part of the community who was now hounding the shit out of you...it was really a friends turned enemies feeling.
I was just one of them, a teenager who was a fan of the show the lead actor - who somehow found herself getting to know him. Celebrities are taught that they can overcome the hate - that they need to - because their lives are in the public. But when your life becomes public without any preparation or consent....and it's immediately met with a louder hate over the support...what was I meant to do. What would you do?
Sadly, the innumerable experiences of joy and laughter I had with this group over the weekend seemed to dissipate in the agony of these recent events...to the point where I felt like I should've never come.
My self-esteem was a bit below average but I was sailing just fine, but now - like an anchor - it was just diving deeper into the ocean and it wanted to stay there.
I finished my packing within a minute - mad at myself that I was that person who always folded their clothes back in their suitcase right after wearing them to stay organised and save time - but now I just needed to waste time. I stared at the door, knowing I had to go down since it was nearing checkout time, and I was mustering all my courage and thoughts to face it all.
I walked towards the door and opened it slightly. But my phone distracted me again
___________
Snapchat
You have Memories from last year today!
___________
What I expected: A picture or video of me and Blaire, or Geli, messing around to cheer me up, my people. There to remind me that I can always go to them because they knew me so well.
What I got:
"Oh for fuck's sake."
He cracked my heart, it basically broke. The paranoia, pushing people away and believing I wasn't good enough stemmed from that boy. But in that photo, he was another one of 'my people' because I could always go to him when I needed help. He knew me just as well as my family did, even after all that has happened. It was a weird reminder...
I was gazing at the picture, unsure of what I was feeling through it all. But it wasn't the usual pain, if anything, it was the pain of remembering how blissful and in love I felt in that moment. The pain of knowing that I had a chance to feel that again, but now I wasn't so sure.
Since the public seemed to be happy with taking that chance away.
The door's subtle creak still sent a jolt of panic through my body and I looked up to see Josh with his favourite coat on; his weekender bag in hand. His eyes screamed of pain and caution.
I almost felt paralysed, I didn't move a muscle as he slowly walked towards me, but as he came closer, his instincts told him to look at my screen. It was easily viewable but I quickly snapped out of it and turned the phone off. But there was a flash of confusion and mild offense - he registered who I was looking at - and it seemed he used the next moments of silence to figure out why I was.
"Hey." we simultaneously said. A short awkward laugh followed before I watched him scratch the back of his head and scrunch his left eye in thought.
"So... I knew you wanted to be left alone to process stuff - did it like - work or...how are you feeling?" he asked with an agonising amount of uncertainty. It was awful since I was just as uncertain about my answer.
"Yeah it-it kinda helped I just didn't know to face everyone I guess..." I drifted off.
"Well I mean, no one's here to judge you or anything they feel just as bad...cue the we're all in this together shit" he commented and I cracked a smile, which evidently made him happier.
"I guess but...I'm still just the outsider of it all...really starting to feel it now - but enough about me I uh - what about you?" I asked back and he seemed disappointed. The fact that I felt like an outsider didn't sit right with him - but come on, of course I was.
They were the group beloved by the fanbase, sure some of them got in trouble a few times but majority of the fans would happily let the cast run them over with a car and they'd say thank you.
"I'm just - tryna stay off all the apps. That's what this job has taught me I guess, just to not let that stuff into my mind, unless it needs to be addressed, otherwise it's like I can pretend to live in bliss" he detailed and it was like I smiled mentally but I didn't have the energy to show it.
I hated that I felt this way, but when he said that he only went on social media when he needed to address something, but the bullying I was receiving wasn't a trigger for that...it stung for a moment.
"Adeline, that's what you gotta do too okay, we just need to let it simmer down and ignore it all - "
He walked closer towards me but instinctually I took a step back, he went doe-eyed with subtle pain.
"I know but, I don't know if I can do what you guys do, especially since it's about something so personal, they're not attacking me for some shit from my past or wrongly accusing me of assault" I said with a stressed laugh. Josh winced slightly and I cleared my throat, yeah we don't need to talk about that right now.
"Anyway - I mean for that at least, the reason they got so mad at you is because you're a good role model and they respect you...they have high expectations from what they've seen so having that bubble burst is what got them angry. But with me it...they barely knew I existed I just made them laugh on Twitter but barely shared my face, but they've decided to hate me based on nothing and I can't prove myself, how you had to. They just hate me for associating with you - for apparently lying about secretly knowing you to get closer to you?" I ended loudly and ended up running pressing my fingers against my brows from the extended rant.
"Well then...you can speak up for yourself - you owe no one an apology but just say something! You've done it before don't forget how much you loved sticking it to Jordan" he stressed and I laughed humourlessly. I then gazed at the painting of two people holding hands behind him; one of those generic artworks for each hotel room. But damn did it feel painfully meaningful all of a sudden.
"Okay but speaking up to a manipulative ex-boyfriend compared to at least a hundred thousand fangirls online who have already ganged up together AND have free reign to say whatever they want under an anonymous username?" I asked in one breath and his deflated sigh showed defeat, "yeah I don't know about those odds."
"Listen, Adeline" he began and he seemed like he was about to walk up to me again, but then he remembered what I did last time and he just ended up wringing his fingers on the spot. I hated that I was the reason he was feeling this way. But I felt the same, almost worse.
"They will forget or get over this and move onto something else, when other big stories happen in the fandom they'll move on, I mean fuck maybe I'll get cancelled some other way and the heat will be taken off you" he tried to joke, but I didn't visualise a hint of amusement.
"It sucks enough that I started another cancel party, don't even put that into the universe" I retorted flatly and I could see a hint of him rolling his eyes. He was getting frustrated with this, as was I.
And I knew that maybe if we stuck through it long enough it'd die down - but in the moment - that felt like the selfish option after seeing all the hate on him. Hell, and me.
"You say that they'll forget but they haven't forgotten since my stupid grocery store tweet, they're always waiting and if another photo came out one day, even if we're more secretive and they found out - I don't want a round 2 of this shit. I mean people are just mad at you for not being seemingly single anymore - "
"So what I'm just supposed to stay single for my whole career? Don't I get my happily ever after as a part of this" he almost yelled back. It shocked me slightly, not only the tone but the 'happily ever after'. It was so cliche, and once he heard himself say that he shook his head as if to say 'scratch that'. But I wished he didn't do that.
"We can at least try to stay off the fucking radar until it's gone, you won't say anything about me and vice versa I won't put you on my stories and shit" he said as a solution. But I had to shake my head again.
"Josh I have tried to be so under the radar are you kidding me? I didn't tag you in stories, I barely acknowledged your presence on social media and I tried to be normal with you in public, it stressed me out to be so cautious. And we still got caught! The one weekend I got too comfortable and it came to bite us in the ass. I...I don't wanna always be in that fear of getting caught again. I wouldn't...be happy around you." I confessed and his expression then softened, he never thought of it that way. And it dawned on him too, he didn't want that pressure either.
Famous people that date usually keep it private since they want it to themselves and aren't ready to share that side of them, and that was respectable. But with us, it'd be having to keep it private because majority of people didn't like it. We couldn't just stop going out in public again and being happy, with there's still the constant fear that a 'fan' would catch us and re-fuel the fire.
"Look Josh, I know you're not really looking at what they're saying - "
He snickered sarcastically, "Well if you knew better you wouldn't be either - "
"Well one of us has to know what the fuck is going on." I cut back. We were bickering with such annoyed tones.
"As I was saying" I began before looking back at an irritated Josh, which started to make me feel sick, "they have been just 'unstanning' you and judging you for it and it makes no sense and it sucks, but if there was a fucking Venn Diagram of your fans, it would be those who ship you with themselves and liking that you're single, those who ship you with Olivia and the middle is the ones who somehow want both." I stressed and I could see him gritting his teeth, it made his jawline seem it could cut the awful tension we created.
I let out a tight sigh, "With all this negativity which is just so different from the previous scandals, you being single or with heris a pretty big deal and who knows how this could affect you in the long term - "
"You don't know it will." he cursed back.
"Well you don't know it won't." I countered with equal sass.
A few moments with only the birds chirping outside passed, it quietly reminded me of something I sent to his apartment on a whim the other day, it was supposed to arrive there when we got back. A shudder of regret followed before I recomposed myself.
"Josh you're thinking about right now but I'm tryna think about your future here - your second album and the press and everything! You have so much more to offer and this isn't worth being a scandal, I'm not worth a scar in your career - "
"Well isn't that my fucking choice?" he taunted back and I shivered slightly. He had a point and I considered this whilst he angrily bit his fingernail.
"It is your choice, but it's also up to you to remember how you want your fans to see you so...I don't know" I muttered and he had nothing left to say apparently. We both just stood there for a few moments and I thought at least now I could grab my bags and we could go, they were probably waiting for us. I glanced at my bag and took a step in that direction.
"Okay...this is about Jordan isn't it."
I immediately stepped back into my place.
"I know you did not just say that."
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
--- notes ---
THIS IS PART 1 OF THE SHIT SHOW- VOTE/COMMENT FOR PART 2 EHIEHWH
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