Ryujin wasn't sure what she had expected of that night but, it surely hadn't been that. In fact, drinking while hanging out with only Yeji and avoiding anyone else was something unthinkable. She had fully expected the other girl to have ditched her or to be acting far too uptight. And yet, there she was drinking and looking just as tired as Ryujin from dealing with those people. The ones she had often associated her with.
Perhaps she had been wrong. Was it possible that the both of them were more alike than she realized?
"Will you ever stop staring?" Yeji whispered, barely glancing at her before looking back at the crowd.
Ryujin had got them something to eat just minutes before and they were now sat in a corner, watching as the party went on. But the food wasn't what stole all her attention, no. Not when Yeji was sitting besides her looking far too perfect to be real.
"Maybe when you stop looking like that." She countered, shrugging as if her words were something normal to say.
Yeji didn't look surprised by them, however, she scrunched up her nose before shaking her head. "I can't wait for you to get tired of it."
She chuckled lightly, clicking her tongue while she thought about it. Maybe one day she would give up on trying. Maybe she wouldn't. Ryujin couldn't say what the future held in store for them but, she knew that one thing was for sure. Ryujin wouldn't get tired of looking at Yeji.
Now she could only hope to dive deeper into who Yeji is. Because she needs something to hold onto. She needs more than her flawless looks to motivate her. So far her motivation had came in the form of the quick glances of humanity and personality that Yeji had shown but, those weren't enough. Ryujin needed more. She wanted more.
Maybe it was selfish but when she looked at the girl, she sometimes caught herself thinking about how boring it would have been if she had been arranged to match someone else. And whenever she was reminded of the fact Yeji hated their situation with a burning passion, she felt terrible for finding their predicament mildly interesting. Albeit frustrating and hurtful most of the time.
Perhaps it was the alcohol, or maybe she was simply feeling bold. But the next few words slip up from her lips without any hesitation. "I won't get tired of getting to know you." Causing Yeji to seemingly close her eyes for a second too long before opening them again. Something she didn't fail to notice.
"That's not what I meant." Yeji countered, her voice somehow deeper.
"I know." She shrugged, biting into some of the food between them. "I just thought you should know that."
Neither of them spoke for a while. But it didn't go over Ryujin how occasionally, she caught Yeji glancing at her. Not for long and it wasn't as if she looked any particular way. She was simply looking. Silently and expressionless.
As they finally bid their goodbyes to her parents, she could see how they seemed fond of the girl besides her. Their smile was genuine as they all spoke and Yeji's... there was a smile but it wasn't her usual one. It seemed hesitant but not quite as fake as the one she had put on when interacting with the others at the party.
"I hope Ryujin hasn't given you too much trouble." Her mother said, smiling at the cat eyed girl.
"She can be a handful but..." for some reason, unbeknownst to her, Yeji paused for a second while she glanced over at her. Looking back to meet her mother's gaze Yeji smiled at the woman in front of them. "I've found that I can handle her."
Ryujin couldn't help but stare curiously at the girl, as she continued to speak to her parents. Maybe it was the alcohol but looking at Yeji interacting with them, was starting to make her feel some type of way. She couldn't exactly tell why or what she was feeling but there was something about that view.
As they were to walk out of the house, her father held her arm, signaling for her to stay behind. And surprising Ryujin when he spoke. "What do you think?"
She must have looked very confused because he suddenly smiled amusingly, "Are you happy with our choice?"
Ah, that.
She's...
The question caught her off guard. Was she happy with it? Wasn't that a loaded question? She was struggling because of their choice. Hard and it hadn't become any easier with time. So normally one would assume she wasn't happy with it. But as she mulled over, Ryujin asked herself if she would truly choose someone else. If she had that choice presented to her right there and then. If she could simply change who she was to marry, would she?
No.
She wouldn't.
Ryujin looked at Yeji who was near her car, speaking to her mother about some unknown subject. And as she looked over at the older girl who had complicated and challenged her so much for the past two months, she realized something.
She would choose Yeji.
"It's okay not to have an answer yet." Her father reassured her, placing his hand on her shoulder and looking over at her mother and Yeji who were still having a conversation.
"What if..." she took a deep breath, looking at her father who met her gaze. "What if I fall for her and she doesn't return my feelings?"
Her father smiled softly, looking back at the others. "Ryujin, if that happens I will be the first to let you walk out of this."
"Really?"
Her father nodded. She hadn't expected it. But now she had a way out of this and perhaps, she didn't want to. Ryujin didn't want to know she could walk away from this. Because wouldn't it be selfish if she didn't walk away when she could put a stop to something that clearly caused Yeji to be unhappy?
"Why?"
For some reason her father got serious, sighing as he looked back at her. "One thing is to go through life pretending to love someone. That's easy. You can be best friends and spend your entire life together without feeling any pain." He explained, looking at her mother. Wasn't that what it was like for the both of them? "Another is to fall for someone who doesn't return your feelings while unable to distance yourself."
"But wouldn't it hurt your business?"
He smiled, shortly before nodding. "I hope it wouldn't come to it but if that truly was your wish, I would respect it."
She hadn't expected such thing. Ever. Then again, she supposed it was something she just hadn't ever considered. Yes, Ryujin was to be arranged to someone and marry them, but would she have had the chance to walk away and be arranged to someone else? She always thought the answer was a clear no but now, she knew how wrong she was.
And worst of all, it meant she could walk away.
Ryujin could choose to walk away and let Yeji find someone else. She had that choice presented to her and somehow, it didn't feel right.
Maybe she had expected to be relieved, or even happy. But she wasn't.
Because as she looked at the girl she was engaged to, Ryujin realized that she didn't want to take her chance with anyone else. Even if they could possibly be a lot easier to deal with and perhaps they would even love her.
She couldn't walk away and that made her feel selfish and like the worst person. As she bid her father goodbye and walked towards the other girl, she felt sick. With every passing second, she felt terrible.
Because each second she chose not to end their engagement was another second that she made Yeji stay in an unwanted relationship.
How could she be so selfish?
When she reached the girl and her mother, Yeji was smiling and Ryujin immediately knew why she was so selfish. Because if she let her go now, what are the odds their path would cross again? And if they did, would they interact? Would she ever get to see Yeji smile at her? Would they ever speak? Share a car ride? Eat together? Bicker?
The truth was, Ryujin wanted Yeji in her life.
Even if it meant being selfish.
Maybe one day she would come to regret her choice.
Or maybe this guilt she felt inside will go away with time.
As they entered the car to go to Yeji's house, Ryujin made a conscious choice not to change their situation.
And as she stared at Yeji who was looking out of the window, admiring her profile, Ryujin knew that she would have made that decision over and over again.