Carter
9.
All I could do was pray she didn't get sucked into the rumors. There was no doubt in my mind that she's heard most of them already—and even still, I felt the anxiety beginning to gnaw at my stomach. Even though I told myself I needed a secretary that would stay, I knew I cared more about what Hazel thought of me.
I was sure I'd come to regret my decision to hire her. But then again, there was something about Hazel that had me angry a little less. Even if she didn't know one thing about the business world, at least Hazel could have me second guessing every word that I say.
Maybe it was her dark, doe eyes, or the way she held herself with such an air of poise that made Hazel seem older somehow—she couldn't be much older than twenty-two or twenty-three—but I couldn't decide which captivated me most.
No. This was so stupid—I shouldn't be thinking about some stupid girl. She was going to be nothing but my secretary, one that would be gone in a matter of weeks—and judging by what happened in the coffee shop, a sensitive, petty girl. Hazel wouldn't last a day.
At the sound of knocking, my head snapped up. The sweet distraction was comforting, but the moment I ushered the person inside, the feeling quickly fled.
Hazel made an entrance, dark eyes penetrating my green ones. Her movements were timid as she stepped in my direction.
"I need your help, sir." There was a hint of defeat in Hazel's voice, and was quick to notice the embarrassment warming her cheeks as she glanced away.
"What?" I snapped.
Hazel looked up at me then, face still tinted. "I...I can't figure out what I'm doing."
"Figure it out yourself." I retorted, returning my gaze back to my computer.
Irritation swelled inside of me as my heart picked up a beat with the familiar weight of anxiety. Why did Hazel want my help?
"I don't know your business's protocol, sir," Hazel responded. "I can't—I can't do my job well unless you explain your system."
Emotion filled my chest, threatening to spill over. "And I don't like people in my office uninvited."
Hazel didn't move. "But, sir—?"
"Get out."
Reluctantly, she nodded her head and slipped out of my office, but it wasn't before glancing back one last time.
The moment she disappeared, I felt the breath slowly seep back into my lungs. I knew I could have easily helped Hazel, but it was much easier to hide away and pretend I didn't care. The familiar dose of fear that prickled my skin was enough to keep me away, and I knew better than to keep myself in one place very long.
Being comfortable meant no chance of slipping up.
For a long and hard moment, I stared at the door, fully expecting Hazel to march back in, but it stayed shut. And when the phone rang, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
With a deep breath, I was beginning to wonder when this bitter reality would end, or if it ever would.
• • •
The evening sun came shining through my office. The warmth of its glow reminded me that I had been here much too long. My tired eyes were straining to read the contents on my computer screen, could feel a headache forming behind my eyes.
Standing, I began to gather my belongings, but stopped short when I noticed the rustling coming from the opposite side of the conjoined door. Confusion filled my gaze as I reached out to pull the door open—quite shocked to find my secretary still perched in the office chair, a face full of concentration.
She didn't notice me at first, and although my expression morphed into anger, I couldn't help but watch as Hazel hastily scrawled on the notebook in front of her, utterly fixated on whatever she was writing.
Her long hair kept falling into her face, and every few seconds, Hazel would stop to tuck the strands behind her ear.
Why was she still here? No one ever stayed past five, and my secretaries were no exception. If anything, they were always the first ones to leave.
"What are you still doing here?"
Hazel's head flew up as she gasped, her startled gaze flying to me. "Mr. Wright?"
"I asked you a question." I snapped.
As far as I knew, there was no one else in the building but Hazel and I. The familiar thoughts invaded my mind, ones that had my pulse skipping a beat and left my palms sweaty and cold.
Hazel stared at me, her dark eyes searching my face. "I was just finishing this—I um...went and revised the documents you gave me and was fixing—"
"I didn't ask you to fix anything, did I?" I interrupted coldly.
Hazel frowned slightly, glancing down at her notebook. "No, but, I-I found something that might help make a difference in your sales."
"You don't know a thing about my business." I replied, remembering Hazel's words from earlier.
"It would make it a lot easier if I did, but I do also have a degree in business."
Wait, what?
I was quick to catch the surprise that filled me before it could reach my face, but the unease that I felt burning in my chest when Hazel came toward me had the scowl on my lips faltering.
"If I needed your help, I would have asked for it." My voice was harsh and low, a step backwards and I could breathe a little easier.
"Sir, if you would just—?" Hazel held out the notebook, stopping in her tracks with an outstretched arm. Why wasn't she leaving? Why wasn't she afraid of me?
"Get out of my office." I blamed my harsh words on the pain in my head, lifting a hand to massage my temples.
Hazel's eyes widened a fraction. Now she was the one to back away, lowering her gaze from my face. She quickly picked up her belongings and stepped toward the doorway, but Hazel stopped, turning back slowly.
"I'm sorry."
With that, Hazel was gone, and I was left to the sound of my heart pounding in my ears.
The drive home was silent and empty. The same pit I felt in my stomach, the familiar ache in my chest that pulled my thoughts back to the dark.
Impatiently, my fingers drummed on the steering wheel as I sat in standstill traffic, focusing my gaze on the bright lights and blinking away the images that surfaced in my mind. I was sure tonight would be yet another night without sleep.
I squeezed my eyes closed until the sound of a car horn jolted my head up. We were moving again, but I was frozen in place.
Another sounding horn had my foot on the gas.
These were the nights I wished I didn't live alone. The bitterness, the anger, the anxiety, it all wrapped together in one giant, dark cloud looming over my head.
My feet pounding against the pavement was the only sound I could make out. My legs were burning, my lungs gasping for a breath, screaming for me to slow down.
But the images in my head were still clear. I ran faster, harder, until I could feel the pain a little less. Until my legs could carry me no longer and the bile that rose to my throat was nothing but acid and water.
Dizzy and gasping, I forced myself back home. Stripping from my sweat-soaked clothes, I stepped underneath the shower water until I could hardly remember the time, numbed from the heat.
I tossed and turned for hours on end, and when sleep finally did come, it was filled with the nightmarish thoughts that left me soaked in sweat.
Afraid to sleep, I trudged my way down to the kitchen, drinking myself away in coffee until the early morning light seeped through the windows.