How do two people treat each other when they're in an undefined relationship?
I could say that we had been treating each other like a real couple. Rex made it clear that I matter to him, and I felt the same toward him. It was obvious that to each other we were more than friends, and people close to us could also see that. We were both emotionally invested.
There were advantages and disadvantages of the situation we were in. Both of us had not hesitated to take a step forward, but honestly, I was expecting more. He'd not asked me yet to take this mutual understanding to the next level. The feelings were pure, I knew he loved me, but it was not enough to assure me of where I stood in his life. Love was there, trust was built, and we both knew the boundaries of this mutual agreement, but sometimes uncertainty would creep in when I was alone at night and wanted clarity to define our relationship. I was also afraid that one day I would wake and be slapped with the reality that it just didn't work out fine between us. I didn't want this to end. Never.
Someday, I thought to myself. Maybe someday he would ask me that one question I'd been wanting him to ask.
Since that day, I'd been looking forward to that day someday. I'd pictured a someday where I would no longer feel uncertain of my role in his life.
I could still remember some of the things he had shared with me when we talked about us: one of the things he feared, aside from ghosts, was commitment. It was in relation to his last relationship experience. He had a girlfriend when we were in sophomore year. Those were the days when we belonged to the same group of friends, and I hadn't considered him to be my point of interest. When we got along, all we did was tease each other and engage in absurd fights.
Bygones are bygones and recalling his past relationship might cause me to hurt. Why not just relish with what we had now? All I knew about his previous relationship was that his ex-girlfriend had been unfaithful to Rex and left him for someone else. I was not in Rex's shoes, and just thinking about it I knew it hurt him so much. Especially that this girl was his first girlfriend, first love, the first person who captured Rex's heart.
Rex was waiting outside of the building where I work. Every time he did this -- pick me up from my workplace and send me home after -- it felt like he was doing it for the first time. The feeling was the same as day one, like having my favorite ice cream in the scorching summer. From the elevator rides to the moment where I walked out of the building, I was smiling because I knew he was there, waiting for me. It made me feel more special than anyone else.
It brought back the memory of when he first waited for me at school.
"All right. I'm heading home now. Sure. We had talked things over for the group presentation. Yeah. I know. Yeah. I will. Hmm. Yeah. Okay, bye."
He hung up the call. It was the third time my older brother called to check on me. My groupmates and I had to discuss the details for our class presentation next week. Our weekend schedules were conflicted, so we had to stay after class. I checked the time, my phone said it was already past seven in the evening. Now that's a good reason why my brother had worried excessively.
I looked at the way two of my group mates took. Apparently, they had to take a different route. I was left alone in front of the university building, standing by the gate, waiting for a cab and hailing it for a ride. Unfortunately, no cab had been on the road since the time I stood here.
The idea occurred to me now, I should have informed Kuya Ely that there was no one to accompany me home; he could have been here to pick me up. I was staring at my phone, the screen was black, and I'd noticed a dent at the upper right corner of the screen. Where did that come from? I thought.
I sighed. If there was still no cab after five minutes of waiting, I would give my brother a call. The wind gushed coldly, and it suddenly felt strange to be waiting here alone under the lamp post. The guard on duty was nowhere in sight. The strange feeling became more obstinate when I suddenly felt a hand covering my eyes from behind.
"Ssssshhhh," said the voice.
I wanted to scream but my tongue stiffened as well as my body, just like in movies.
Is this a thief? Am I going to be murdered tonight? Am I going to die now and be in tomorrow's news? Yes, a devil on my shoulder answered all my questions.
The same wind blew a cold breeze, and a familiar scent blended in the frigid air.
"Oh, shit," I muttered, and then said a lot more profanities. Every foul word I use whenever my brother annoys me. Then the owner of the hand covering my eyes started to laugh.
"Wow. I thought you were a saint. You curse like my mother when she's livid."
He uncovered my eyes and stood by my side, a smile on his face.
Annoyed, I said, "What the hell, Asis. Now you want to scare the hell out of me? I don't even know why we are friends,"
"I think I know why," he said with a grin on his face.
We were exchanging glances. No one dared to speak for a moment.
I put my phone in my skirt pocket. "What are you doing here at this time?" I asked though I think I knew why. But I didn't want to jump to conclusions unless he said it himself.
He was wearing a different shirt, Red Hot Chili Peppers, it said. The university pants were paired with the black shirt. He still loved to wear t-shirts with weird designs.
"Why didn't you scream when I put a hand over your eyes?" he asked.
"I was scared."
"You should have cried for help."
"Shut up. Don't act like you care."
"I do care. Let's go. I'm taking you home."
He started to walk away.
"Hey, Asis," I called out.
He looked over his shoulder, backpack in one hand.
"You're taking the wrong way home."
He put a hand behind his head, ruffled his hair, and chuckled. "Oh, I thought you would take the bus tonight."
"I do, sometimes. But not tonight, there might be a long queue at the station given that it's already late."
He continued to chuckle as he walked back to my spot.
I fished my phone from my pocket and sent my brother a message that I was already on my way home, and there was no need to worry.
We walked silently by the sidewalk. The moon was watching over us, glistening with the stars scattered across the sky. It felt like I was looking at a painting. Yes, that's how beautiful the night was.
"Christmas is approaching," Rex said out of the blue.
I glanced at him. He was checking something on his phone. The light of its screen illuminated his face, giving me a clear view of his features. His laughing black eyes were the first thing that caught my attention, next was his nose which could be of a girl. Shoving the idea I had in mind that he could be a beautiful girl, I just mumbled 'yeah' and looked at the other side.
"Mom's birthday is next week, Thursday. Do you mind if I invite you?"
"Me?" I looked at him.
"Yes, you."
"Is it really her birthday this time?" I asked, recalling the same situation he had made up just to make me go to their house and meet his mom.
"Hundred and one sure of that."
"Rex, if this is about –" I started to speak, but he cut me out like he already knew what I was about to say.
"Nope, not about that. I just want you to be there. The gang already agreed to go. I'm expecting you to be there too."
" I don't know."
I was hesitant to go this time. After meeting his mom the idea of seeing her again scares me. A lot of what if's were starting to consume my thoughts. What if she didn't like me because I was not pretty? What if she thought I was so stupid and gullible enough to be fooled by her son? Maybe she hated it that I didn't dress like a lady, or she didn't picture me as someone his son would be seeing, and the list of what if's and maybe's goes on.
"Just come and see her. She likes you around."
"I don't know. I'm not sure."
I had forgotten to check the cabs passing by. I could walk all night to get home as long as I was with Rex. I think I liked it best when it was just us when we were together.
"Don't you think it's already time we tell them?" he asked, meeting my gaze.
The questions hang in the air. I couldn't pretend to not hear it, because I heard it loud and clear.
"They're going to laugh at us. Wouldn't even believe it, I guess."
"Yeah? Like your reaction the first time I asked you out?"
There was something in the way he said it that made my lips smile. I nodded. "You sure like to bet your bottom dollar at the wrong person, Asis."
"Stop calling me Asis. They're not around, Ivy."
"But you do call me Conde even when the guys are not around."
He shrugged. "I got used to it. Can't help it now."
"Are we lying to them?" I asked, not meeting his gaze. I was asking about keeping things from our friends. I hadn't told Sten about Rex and the decision we both made.
I had inhibitions. Would they approve?
"No one's lying. I think they already figured it out before we could figure it out for ourselves."
I didn't respond to his statement. I looked away to avoid his heart-fluttering gaze. The feeling wasn't like this before. Every time I caught him looking at me like this, it was something that would make my heart ramble inside of my chest. If he didn't say something weird when I first went into their house, if he didn't admit to thinking of me sometimes, if he didn't change the way he treated me, this would never happen.
What attracted us was authenticity and not physical attraction.
He was silent for a moment after saying his thoughts out loud. "If you don't want to tell them yet, it's fine. I will respect your decision," he finally said.
"You talk like someone else."
He grinned at me and then looked up to witness how amazing the moon was tonight. I did the same. We stopped walking and admired the beauty before us. The night was different from any other night. It was the first time we would go home together, not as college friends who were constantly making each other annoyed. Watching the moon with Rex was now one of my favorite moments.
No one spoke for a brief moment. I glanced at him to see how he was liking the scenery displayed in front of him, but he was looking somewhere else. His gaze was fixed at me.
"What's with that look?" I asked.
He just smiled and said nothing. I ambled ahead of him to get away from the disconcerting moment. I felt my face start to turn red.
"I wonder why it took me a while to realize that it was just you," I heard him say from a distance.
I answered without turning to look at him. "Asis, you're starting to act like nuts again."
I heard him laugh. "I've changed my mind. Let's tell them, Ivy. Let's tell them about us."
Seeing Rex all the time was a sight for sore eyes.
Then there he was, standing by the rotating glass door, speaking with the lobby attendant. He was wearing his favorite navy pique polo and white knee-length cotton shorts. I could tell exactly how many times he'd worn that pair. I couldn't remember since when did I start noticing the way he dressed. When we were in college, I was used to seeing him in our university uniform, and when there were times that the gang decided to hang out, he would just throw on a t-shirt and old jeans. One thing stood out when he had the t-shirt on, it was the shirt design that caught my attention, and was still in the back of my mind. He loved to wear those t-shirts with designs portraying the bands he liked.
The way he talked to Sam, I could sense they already had a good time together while waiting for me. This guy was indeed a people person. I smiled to myself as I watched them. How lucky I was to call him my man. I was so sure he was my one and only man.
I was watching them talk when Rex looked in my direction; he waved at me to come over.
"Hi, Ms. Ivy!" Sam, the lobby attendant, addressed me.
I smiled at him coyly before responding to his greeting.
Rex flashed his eyebrows at me and smiled, "Hi, Ms. Ivy." he intoned.
I pretended to be oblivious of Rex's attempt to imitate Sam's voice. Take it from me, most of the time when Rex would want to try to impress me or light up my mood, he was at it.
We were both striding out of the building when I uttered, "I thought you were going to wait outside."
Instead of responding to my statement, he said something that earned concern from me. He stopped walking, "I have something to tell you," he stated.
I asked him what it was. Rex rarely shared his problems with me; he liked to keep it to himself, I recalled him saying. I suddenly felt it was a problem he was going to share just now. He sounded serious, and when Rex sounded serious he really was.
He began. "I've been thinking about this lately," he paused then went on, "I wanted to keep it to myself but then decided to inform you. I think you should know about this, too, Ivy."
There was something in his voice that sent shivers in me as if it was a warning that I was going to hear bad news coming. After hearing those words, I thought I heard a drum roll playing in the background. The racing heartbeat of my heart was only heard by my own ears.
"What is it about?" I asked, trying to combat the inhibitions that resurfaced.
At that moment, I wanted to learn every matter that concerned Rex, not just the good things about him, but everything. I waited for him to say something; he was just looking at me. I felt like he was reading my thoughts with the way his eyes examined mine. It made my face flushed. Still not used to him looking at me in his most meaningful way.
"Well, it's about..."
"About?"
I was staring at him, unblinking, and then looked away after a moment and continued walking. I couldn't just stand there and stare at him for a long time. This wasn't the right time for my heart to do backflips while staring at Rex. Not the right time.
He followed suit. I asked him again because I couldn't wait longer, and the more he didn't speak the more I started to feel nervous about it.
"What is it, Rex? Tell me," I tried to talk extra calmly.
There's nothing to worry about, Ivy. I said to myself. Not unless Rex delivered very sad news today. I was determined to be informed, but he remained silent. This wasn't the kind of conversation we used to have whenever he picked me up from work. He would usually start sharing about his day, the food he had for breakfast and lunch, even the news that didn't concern me about his colleagues and work-related stuff. But Rex never started our conversation with 'I want to tell you something' or 'There's something we need to talk about', he would just start speaking about the subject, without preliminaries.
"Hey, come on, tell me," I pleaded.
I thought he would continue to prolong my agony of waiting, fortunately, he did speak up.
"I was just thinking," he stopped sauntering, then looked up in the sky, as if he was searching for the right words from stars in this gloomy night, one hand at the back of his neck, then he looked in my direction. "Why does PE stand for Physical Education instead of People Exercising?" he continued, his voice even, monotonous.
I was flabbergasted, couldn't believe what I just heard. I had to blink twice to let the idea sink in.
"Seriously, Rex?"
Being humorless was not in Rex's blood. He would easily laugh with a silly joke or it was him who would effortlessly crack one. I waited for him to laugh or say that he was just trying to put me on. And when he did not, he kept his head looking upwards, I took that chance to slap his arm.
"People Exercising for P.E? That's ridiculous!" I exclaimed, then he started giggling.
When I said giggling, I meant he was cackling noisily. As if his folly was laughable.
"Go ahead, laugh all you want. Just tell me when you're done," I said, arms crossed over my chest. "Not a funny joke. I was worried. Okay? Worried, you nuts," I admitted. "I thought you were going to deliver bad news, or talk about the thing that we don't usually talk about."
I watched him laugh like it was the end of the world. Finally, he got a hold of himself and noticed I was not pleased with his silly antics. He ran his fingers through his hair and said, "That's a wrap."
He was grinning; he moved closer to tuck a hair strand behind my ear. I didn't move while he was doing that, I wanted to flash a smile, but instead, I tried to hide it. The breeze was starting to feel unreasonably cold.
"Where shall we have dinner before I send you home?"
I sidestepped away from him, "I'm calling it a day. I prefer to sleep rather than eat," I said, moving along, unsure of where I should go, unsure of what to feel.
I'd not seen his car parked outside, and he didn't inform me of his plans tonight. I reckoned there was no plan at all. He did it again. I was a bit disappointed about that because I'd expected him to come up with a plan. Rex was not a fan of surprises at all. I should not be surprised by that.
"Okay."
I was on the verge of reacting - overreacting - with his answer. Okay? Just okay? I contained the thought to myself and continued to walk, heading nowhere, unsure of where to go.
Okay was not enough. It would never be enough. When Rex replied with 'okay' I wanted him to add details to further ask questions. I was upset when he did not probe; he seemed disinterested in how my day went. I just said that I prefer to go home than eat, to get back at him for what he did, but my trick fell short.
So, to not make a fuss over this cute argument that was about to start between the two of us I confronted him. "What is it that's been bugging you? You did have something to say, and it's not about People Exercising or whatever that is," I said, looking straight into his eyes, "I know you're lying, Rex. Please tell me what it is. I'm starting to overthink here."
Behind his easygoing attitude, he was wearing a façade. Rex was good at masking his emotions, luckily his eyes knew how to speak to me. I'd learned the way of reading him like a book.
He shrugged. "There's nothing, really. I missed seeing your irate face, so I did that to annoy you."
I maintained eye contact for a while before looking away. I totally gave up. Whatever it was that made Rex change his mind, I had no idea of it.
"You're nuts, Rex."
He let out a chortle and then patted my head, "I know, and you're my shot of sanity," he said, looking closely at me.
"Let me know when you get fed up with me, Ivy."
Startled by what I heard, I said nothing. No words rolled off my tongue. I knew in my heart, I wouldn't get tired of his out-of-this-world jokes, not even the way he made me feel nervous whenever he was around. He was the boat and I was his oar. We were made to sail together on the ocean of fond attachment. His black laughing eyes were still fixed at me.
It's my birthday today, I said in my mind. I wished Rex had an ability to thought-read.
"Are you sure you're not going to tell me something?"
He nodded. "Yeah. There's nothing to worry about. It's really nothing."
"But you said in your text that we are to talk about something and--"
"Oh, that was nothing. Just one of my silliest jokes."
I was not convinced, but I tried to act like I was.
"You sure we're skipping dinner tonight?" he asked, obviously trying to change the subject.
I just nodded.
He looked concerned. "Oh, sorry. Have I spoiled the mood?" but he didn't wait for my reply and went on, "I did ruin the atmosphere. I'm truly sorry. I was just trying to crack a joke and--"
"Rex, we'll talk some other time. I'm not in the mood for more jokes from you, so let's head home tonight, please."
I never felt so distracted whenever I was with him except tonight. There could really be something that he wanted to tell me. But why did he hold back? If it was nothing, why did I feel like it was not just nothing? Did I overreact? Did I put another meaning to it? Did I expect more from him given that it was my birthday? Proof that expectations could really hurt.
Did I just ruin the mood myself?
We were walking next to each other when he grabbed my hand and asked, "You okay?."
"Yeah, just tired."
I had to pretend I was. I didn't know what was going on inside of Rex's mind. We went home both silent, or I thought we were both silent. I wasn't listening to his stories anymore. It was the most uncomfortable journey back home I had with him.
How did we end up this way?
- - - - -
"For once you let go of your fears and your ghosts."