Kale Xavier Buenavista
She couldn't stop crying.
When her father died, I shared the same pain that she felt. It was as if my father had died too. I wanted to do something to ease her pain but I know I couldn't. This is a pain that she had to deal with and the best thing I could do is to stay by her side. To make her feel that she's not alone, because I'm here and I'll never leave her side.
She couldn't function well for days. I had to do all the work for her. I know she isn't in the right mind to do anything. Her father just died... and she harbors some hatred towards her mother. I'm pretty sure she feels so alone now... without her family.
"Kale," she called. "Why are you doing this?"
My forehead creased. "Doing what?"
"This. Bakit ni isang beses hindi mo ako iniwan?"
I just smiled at her and wiped some of her tears. She doesn't really have an idea of how I love her, huh? Hindi niya ba alam na handa akong gawin ang lahat para sa kanya? Kahit ano pa 'yan?
"Because I love you," I simply said.
I saw the look of surprise on her face. Hindi niya ba talaga alam kung gaano ko siya kamahal?
"But why?" she asked. "Why do you love me? I just don't understand. There's nothing special about me."
There's nothing special about her? Hindi niya ba alam kung gaano ka-swerte ang lalaking mapapangasawa niya? She has everything I ever wanted. Having her is more better than winning the lottery! Kaya paano niya nasasabi na walang espesyal sa kanya?
I could list all the reasons on why I love her, but they're too many.
I wanted her to know that I'm not staying by her side because I love her and that I'm asking for a chance. I stayed by her side, because I love her and I know that she needs me. She needs the company that I can give. Lalo pa at may alitan sila ng Mama niya. She even stayed at Emma's house, the whole time. I would just come by to check on her.
Our life in Japan was so much harder than I expected.
Araw-araw, kasama ko siya. Araw-araw nakakausap ko siya. At araw-araw mas lalo lang din akong nahuhulog sa kanya.
She tried so hard to forget about Gray. Nagfocus nalang siya sa pag-aaral sa kagustuhang tuparin ang pangako niya sa Papa niya. I tried so hard not to be a distraction. I just became her friend. Her boy bestfriend. Someone who she can rely on. I didn't want her to uncomfortable with me just because I have feelings for her.
Alam ko rin na maraming mga lalaki ang nagkagusto ko sa kanya dito. Hindi naman talaga siya mahirap mahalin. She's very easy to love, in fact with just a little of her words and you'll find yourself falling for her again. Kaya kahit anong gawin ko'y hindi ko siya maalis sa sistema ko. It's like she's just staying there, torturing me more.
I had a lot of girls lining up for me as well. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, ay siya pa rin ang hinahanap ko. Kaya bawat babaeng umaamin sa akin ay hindi ko tinatanggap. I didn't wanna make someone a rebound. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na siya pa rin ang gusto ko. Siya pa rin ang mahal ko.
"That's because, you're not trying! Come on, Kale. Wag mong sabihin na sa dinami-daming magagandang babae na nagkakagusto sayo'y wala ka man lang magustuhan kahit isa?"
I stared at her beautiful face. Yes, wala akong magustuhan kahit isa kase baliw na baliw pa rin ako sa'yo. Simpleng ngiti mo lang sa akin ay nababaliw na ako. I find myself falling for you all over again, if that's even possible.
Pumayag ako sa gusto niya. Maybe I'm not really trying. Pero wala naman talaga akong intensyon na magmove-on sa kanya. I don't think I can ever love another woman besides her. She has me completely.
"It's good that you came back home! I really missed you!"
Lacey has been my friend since we were kids. I kinda liked her for awhile, back then, but it was never enough to overthrow my feelings for Liz before. She's a good friend, though. Madalas nilang sabihin na mataray siya pero pagdating naman sa akin ay hindi. I think she's nice.
"Yep, we really came home for the birthday." nakangiti kong sabi.
She approached me while Lia went to the washroom. I honestly don't know what's up with her. Parang mas naging ma-ilang na siya sa akin ngayon. I just kept treating her the same. I wonder why?
"We? So it's still her, huh?" she said, crossing her arms.
I smiled. Lacey knows about Lia. "Of course, it will always be her."
"You sound so cringy," she said with a disgusted face.
I chuckled. "You'll know that when you fall in love,"
She stared at me for awhile before looking away. Agad ko naman napansin ang pagbalik ni Lia na hindi alam kong saan siya uupo. Nakaupo kase si Lacey sa upuan niya.
"Uh, Lia's here." I awkwardly said.
Lacey surveyed Lia from head to toe before standing up to hug me. I seemed a little bit surprised that she did that because I know how much she hated being clingy.
"I missed you, Kale. Till next time?" she said.
I just nodded. "Yeah, sure."
She looked at Lia, one last time before walking away.
When Lia suddenly kissed me, I suddenly didn't know what I should think. Why would she do that? Why would she suddenly kiss me? Did her feelings come back for me?
"Fine! I think I like you, okay!"
To hear those words again from her again is music to my ears. She only said she liked me yet I felt my system going crazy. What more if she told me that she loved me?
Kissing her is like an addiction, her soft lips make me more drawn to her. Sometimes I would just stare at her face and admire it. Oh, what I would do just to make this girl fall in love with me.
If she liked me a lot back then, then I'm sure I can do it again. I can make her fall for me the same way I fell for her. I would make her mine, and I would never ever let her go.
Nothing could ever describe the happiness I felt when she finally agreed to be mine. To her say yes to me, made me feel like the luckiest guy alive! Ang tagal kong hinintay na bumalik ang nararamdaman niya sa akin. And now that it's back, I would never waste any opportunity to show her much I love her.
For years, I treasured her, I took care of her. I wanted her to have no reason to leave me. I wanted her to stay for eternity. She's the only one I'll love for all times.
Having her agree to my proposal made it even better. I'm glad that she wanted to marry me. I just can't wait to marry her and have kids with her.
At that moment, everything felt like nothing could ever break us apart. I was confident, I was sure that everything is going smoothly, just as what I wanted.
I almost forgot that Gray still existed.
The moment he appeared in again our lives, the fear of her leaving me and going back to him resonated with me again.
She loved him a lot back then... kaya nga halos ilang taon bago niya ako nasagot dahil gusto niyang makasigurado sa nararamdaman niya para sa akin. She wanted to be sure of me before we enter the relationship. Pero ang bumalik si Gray muli sa buhay niya'y nagdudulot ng takot na baka marealize niya na si Gray pa rin ang mahal niya at hindi ako.
"I saw your fiancèe with a guy." Lacey said, one time that we were in the same duty.
Agad napukaw 'non ang atensyon ko. "What?" sabi ko.
She just smiled. "A tall one, grey eyes, handsome."
Sa mga sinabi niya palang ay napagtantong kong si Gray agad 'yun. Siya lang naman ang kilala kong may grey eyes na matangkad na kilala ni Lia.
"Oh, then? Crush mo?" sagot ko sa kanya.
"What? No! Hindi ko kaya type 'yun!" sabi niya na parang nandidiri pa. "Gwapo lang mukhang wala naman substance. Ikaw pa rin crush ko," nakangiti niyang sabi.
Umiling nalang ako. Nung pagbalik namin sa Pilipinas for good, ay umamin siya sa akin na may gusto siya sa akin. I didn't know what to say at first. I valued our friendship.
"Dude, move on. I'm getting married." I told her.
She laughed. "Oo na nga! Eto na!"
I just continued doing my work here. Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang pagkikita nila ni Gray.
"I'm curious. Is that her ex? They look like they were talking about something that made the other guy...sad."
Tiningnan ko siya. She's really curious with this.
"That's not her ex. Ex-crush lang." sagot ko.
"Oh, ex-crush, ha?" sabi niya habang nakataas ang kilay.
Hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at nagfocus nalang a trabaho. I didn't wanna doubt Lia. Ayokong pagdududahan ang nararamdaman niya sa akin. Dahil kilala ko siya. Alam kong hindi niya rin gugustuhin na saktan ako. She's just that type of person. She'd tell me immediately if her feelings did start to return for Gray.
"Kale, it's not like we'll see each other often. Nagkita lang kami kanina dahil kay Theo at sa pamangkin niya."
Kanina ko lang nalaman na may sakit ang pamangkin ni Gray at sa St. Bartholomew's ito nagpapagamot dahil kay Prince. That only means that Gray is now more closer to us. Mas madalas na sila magkikita ni Lia at hindi ko alam kung gusto niya pa rin ba ito. I know he lied to her about his feelings. At kung sabihin niya sa kanya ang totoo ngayon ay hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon ni Lia.
My hunch was confirmed when we attended their reunion party. Sa paraan palang nang pagtitig ni Gray sa fiancèe ko'y alam ko na gusto niya pa rin 'to. It made me clench my fists. Hindi ko pa rin siya napapatawad sa ginawa niya, years ago. Alam kong ang tagal na 'non at baka wala na rin talagang nararamdaman si Lia para sa kanya, pero tuwing nakikita ko siya'y nag-iinit nalang ang dugo ko.
I suddenly saw him attempting to kiss her while he was drunk. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong suntunkin siya. Who does he think he is, huh? Matapos niyang saktan at paasahin sa Lia, ay babalik siya na parang wala siyang ginawa? Like he did not hurt her?
As days goes by, Lia never stopped assuring me that nothing will change. That she is still in love with me. I will marry her. I will build a family with her. Pero kahit anong gawin ko'y pumapasok pa rin sa isip ko ang posibilidad na iwan niya ako. The fear is just... there. It won't leave me, no matter how much I try to convince myself that she's sure of me. That she wants the life that I want too.
"Kale..." Lacey called. She seemed a bit hesistant to call me.
"Yes?"
She looked down. Paulit-ulit niyang kinakagat ang labi niya na parang ayaw niya ang mga susunod na sasabihin niya. She's rarely like this. She's always been so honest to me.
"What is it?" tanong ko.
She looked at me and sighed.
"This won't stop running in my mind, so I think I really have to tell you about this. I think you also deserved to know." panimula niya. "I don't really wanna tell you this... because I think it's none of my business and I shouldn't be the one to tell you this—"
"Just say it," I said, cutting her off. I suddenly felt a little nervous. Para bang may sasabihin siyang makakasakit sa akin.
She sighed again. "I was resting by the fire exit, and I saw Lia... with the guy."
I suddenly felt that fear eating me up once again.
"I listened to them talk... and well I was about to leave because I know I shouldn't be listening, but then I saw them... kissed. They kissed, Kale. At first, I thought it was just him forcing it to her, but then she kissed back. I'm sorry... it's not my intention to ruin anything between the two of you... I just have to say it. I'm sorry."
Nung una ay nagsinungaling siya sa akin tungkol sa tunay na ama ni Grazielle. Ngayon naman, naghalikan sila nung Gray na 'yun?
Umiling ako. "No, that's not true. Lia will never do that to me."
Lacey just stared at me. "Kale..."
I didn't know what to believe anymore. I wanted to believe in her. I wanted to trust her. Pero kahit anong pilit ko'y mas lalo lang ako nasasaktan. If it's true that she cheated on me... then I don't know if I should still stay with her. I love her, and I'm willing to do everything for her, but why? Why would she do this?
Ilang beses kong sinubukan na paaminin siya. Ilang beses ko siyang binigyan ng pagkakataon na sabihin sa akin ang totoo. I wanted the truth to come from her, I wanted her to tell me. Dahil mas maiintindihan ko pa at mas kaya kong tanggapin kung siya mismo ang magsasabi sa akin. Pero wala... sa ilang pagkakataon na binigay ko sa kanya'y pinili niyang magsinungaling.
Then, I had to see it with my own eyes.
I just finished reviving Grazielle, after we almost lost her. I was so tired and I just wanted to see her. Na kahit nag-away kami kagabi ay nawawala na agad ang pagod ko tuwing nakikita ko siya.
Pero iba ang bumungad sa akin. Imbes na mawala ang pagod ko, ay napalitan lang ito ng sakit at galit.
Nung nakita ko silang naghahalikan, hindi ko alam ang dapat kong isipin. Galit ako. Gusto kong suntukin si Gray. Gusto kong tadyakan siya. Bakit niya ba kami ginugulo ng ganito? We were happy! Masaya na kami tapos mangugulo na naman siya? Tangina!
"Kale, he kissed me!" she said, crying. "Please... believe me. Baby, please."
To see her pleading for my trust made me want to believe her. Na kahit na nagagalit na ako'y parang gusto ko siyang paniwalaan. To see her crying is really my weakness. I can see her the desperation in her eyes. I can see that she wanted me to believe her.
"Talaga?" sabi ni Gray. "Then what about the first one, then? Hindi ba't humalik ka sa akin pabalik?"
Lia looked at me with her pleading eyes. So... totoo nga. What Lacey said was true. They really did kiss the first time... and she kissed him back.
My jaw clenched. I couldn't think of anything but anger. I couldn't look at her. All of the trust that I have for her just vanished. I love her, but how can she do this to me? Kung sana ay sinabi niya nalang sa akin ang totoo! Kung sana sinabi niya nalang na bumalik ang nararamdaman niya sa kanya! Hindi 'yung ganito. Hindi 'yung kailangan niya pa akong pagtaksilan.
I needed to get away from there. I have no time to listen to her explanations. Ayokong magalit sa kanya. Ayokong makita niya kung gaano ako nasaktan sa ginawa niya. I did nothing but to cherish her, to treasure her, tapos ito? Eto ang gagawin niya sa akin?
I didn't wanna put all the blame on her. Alam kong may kagagawan din 'yung gago na 'yon. He keeps telling me that the only reason that Lia is with me is because she needs me. At parang unti-unti ko na rin narerealize na totoo 'yon. Baka nga 'yun lang ang dahilan kung bakit mahal niya ako ngayon.
I don't usually drink, but this time I think I should. I just needed a distraction.
"Kale, tama na." Lacey said, grabbing the beer from my hands. I already had a lot and I'm obviously drunk.
I asked her and some of our friends to drink. I just needed company. I needed to get her off my mind.
Our friends are just making out in front of us, making loud noises. I rested my head on the arm of the couch, because of how drunk I feel.
"Hello?" I heard Lacey said.
Nakapikit lang naman ang mata ko, sinusubukan na hindi siya isipin.
"Ugh! Ingay niyo!" reklamo ni Lacey at naglakad palayo.
I woke up the next day with a huge headache. I checked my phone and saw a dozen messages and calls from Lia. Lacey also told me that she called last night, and that she answered the phone for me.
"M-May nangyari sainyo?"
I don't know why she had the guts to ask me that. She was the one who cheated on me! She was the one who kissed another guy! Bakit ako na ang masama ngayon? Kahit kailan hindi ako tumingin sa ibang babae gaya ng pagtingin sa kanya, not even Lacey! I know how to keep my distance, because I didn't want her thinking that I could cheat on her. Pero siya? Nagpahalik pa siya sa lalaking 'yon, tapos ako pa ngayon ang nagtaksil?
I know that our talk will just end up with us arguing. I'm tired. I don't know if I can still hold on to her. I badly wanted to marry her, I wanted to make her mine. Pero kung napipilitan nalang siya makisama sa akin dahil lang ikakasal kami ay hindi ko na siya pipilitin pa. I'm willing to let her go for her sake. Kahit masakit pa sa akin.
I was ready to leave her. I was ready to let her go.
"I'm pregnant, Kale. I'm eight weeks pregnant!"
Nung marinig ko ang mga salitang 'yon mula sa kanya'y hindi ko mapigilan ang saya na naramdaman. She's pregnant? With my child or his?
"Is it his?" natatakot kong tanong.
Fuck, pero kahit siguro sa kanya 'yun ay papanagutan ko pa rin ang bata. Whether or not that it is my child, I will take care of it. I will love him and her with all that I have. It's Lia's child. I love her so much that I'm willing to accept the child that is not mine.
Then the walls I built for her suddenly rosed.
Bakit ganon ko nalang tanggapin ang lahat sa kanya? Na kahit alam kong masakit para sa akin? I really love her that much, huh? I love her so much that I would willingly take responsibility for her and her baby.
My mind is debating over a lot of things. I don't know what I should do. I wanted the baby... I wanted that life with her. Pero gulong-gulo na isip ko. The thought of her cheating on me is still stuck on my mind.
"I'm breaking up with you," I swallowed.
I don't know how I managed to say that. How I managed to break it off with her so easily. She is my life, and I know it's difficult to live without her by my side. Nasanay na ako eh... tapos sa isang iglap mawawala na naman.
When she left me, I had nothing else to think about but her and the baby. I quickly texted Lacey if she could go to her. I know where she would go. I just want her to be safe... her and my child.
I wasn't thinking straight of my decisions and the words that I said to her. All of the things I said to her is the opposite of what I want. I was willing to accept her back in my life again, yet there's this feeling that I couldn't stop. One that is stopping me from getting back with her.
I only realized how much she loved me when I heard it from her mother. She's right... Lia did nothing but to prove to me how much she loves me... she did nothing to assure me that. Kaya bakit pinagpipilitan kong mas magiging masaya siya kay Gray? Why am I torturing myself?
It felt like I'm the only one who didn't know how much she loved me was me. Other people kept telling me that she kept choosing me, yet I just kept doubting her. I kept doubting her feelings for me, because of the fear I felt.
"Kale, I'm really sorry." Gray said.
He told me all the times that he intentionally tried to ruin our relationship. He told me of all the instances that he tried to take Lia from me, yet she would just repeatedly tell him that I'm the one she loved now. That I'm the one she chooses.
Bakit umiral na naman ang katangahan ko at hinayaan siyang umalis? Why did I not believe her? Walang pagod niyang paulit-ulit na sinasabi 'yun, ngunit sinasarado ko lang ang puso't at isipan ko sa katotohanan na 'yun.
"She really loves you, Kale. Dahil kung ako pa rin talaga ang mahal niya, sana noong una palang ako na ang pinili niya. Kilala natin si Lia, bro. Alam niya ang gusto niya. Alam niya rin kung paano kunin iyon. Kaya kung ako ang gusto niya noon, edi sana may ginawa siya. She would've just broken up with you earlier, if I was the one she still loves."
He's right. Dahil nung binasa ko ang sulat niya'y doon ko nalang naramdaman kung gaano katotoo 'yon. She left me a note on Theo's toy.
Dear Kale,
I'm sorry that I left you without a notice. Sinubukan kong kumbinsihin si Mama na hayaan kang maging ama ng anak natin, pero matigas siya. Ayaw niya na ng kahit anong ugnayan sa mga Buenavista.
I just wanted you to tell you that it was never my intention to hurt you. How could I? When I love you so much?
I know made a mistake and I'll probably never do anything to make up for it, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain that I inflicted on you. I'm sorry that I'm not even here to make it up to you.
I wrote this letter to you, as a reminder of my love for you. I love you, Kale Xavier Buenavista. Maybe, I hadn't said this a lot that's why this happened to us. That's why we drifted apart.
Our child will grow up without you. But I will never get tired of reminding him/her of him/ her father whom loved me so much and probably the only man that I'll ever love. I'll promise to raise our child with the same love that I had for you. The same one that got me hooked to you.
One day we'll meet again, and when the time comes, I hope that you still love me, because I will never ever stop loving you.
I love you for eternity.
Love,
Lia
I regretted everything that I did. Kung sana lang ay binalewala ko nalang 'yun. Kung sana ay naniwala nalang sana ako sa kanya ay hindi mangyayari 'to. Hindi na sana siya nilayo ng Mama niya sa akin. Hindi na sana kami nagkahiwalay ngayon.
Wala na akong ibang inisip kung hindi siya at ang anak namin. I just kept working, I kept working for me and my family. Alam kong babalik din siya. Babalik din siya sa akin. Silang dalawa.
"So, you plan on having a surprise wedding?" Tria asked.
I asked her to lie to Lia about her son's baptismal and birthday. Ngayon ang totoong binyag ng anak nila at ako uli ang kinuha na Ninong. I just thought of this by myself. I don't wanna waste no time. I wanna marry her already.
I've always admired the family they have. Kung hindi lang talaga ako nagmatigas ay baka ganito rin kami ngayon. Baka hindi na sana kami nagkahiwalay pa.
"Yes, I just needed her to have a reason to come home."
"Paano kung malaman niya ang totoo?" tanong ni Tria.
I smiled. "Then, I'll just marry her anyway."
All of the challenges we experienced only strengthened our love for each other. We both had our own share of mistakes. Yet, it never broke the love we had for each other. We found our way back to each other.
"We're here again... Papa."
I'm carrying our 6 month old baby boy with our daughter beside us. I smiled as Kaia tried to play with Kiel. She got the baby brother that she wanted. I could remember how delighted she was when she knew it's a boy.
Lumapit ako at umupo sa tabi ng puntod ng Papa niya. I may have not stuck to the promise that I will never hurt her, but I stuck to the promise that I'll love her forever.
Aalagaan ko silang dalawa sa abot ng makakaya ko. Hindi ko na hahayaang mahiwalay pa sila sa akin. Hindi ko na hahayaang mawala pa ulit sila sa akin.
"I stuck to the promise I made to you, Tito. I made her happy. I never left her side. Now, we're happily married with two children."
She smiled. Her smiles is the best sight for me. Isang ngiti niya lang sa akin, ay sapat na para paikutin ang mundo ko.
"I remember every word you told me. I promise to take care of her until the day I die, Tito. I promise to love her with all that I have. Siya at ang mga anak namin..."
I saw a tear fall from Lia's eyes. Kaia on the other hand, is just happily playing around.
"Hinding-hindi ko po kakalimutan ang mga paalala niyo sa akin. I would take care of her for you. I would raise our children well."
Umiyak si Kiel kaya kinuha muna siya sa akin si Lia. My heart was never wrong to choose her. She is a great mother to our children, and the best and only wife for me.
I stared at her, admiring her beauty. I still can't believe that this girl is mine. I still can't believe that she is my wife.
"Tumititig ka na naman," sabi niya.
I chuckled. "Sorry, you're too beautiful."
She blushed. Kahit ngayong mag-asawa na kami ay namumula pa rin ang pisngi niya.
"Tumigil ka nga!" she said, a little loud that Kiel woke up again and started crying. "Oh, stop crying na baby. Are you hungry?"
I smiled. To be in love with her is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I lost her twice. Ngunit sa dalawang beses na nawala siya sa akin ay wala akong inisip kung paano ko siya mapapabalik sa akin. Kung paano ko siya mapapaibig muli.
Yet, fate brought us together everytime.
I wanted to thank fate for letting me meet this beautiful woman. For letting me marry her. For letting me love her every single day. For letting her fall in love with me. Without her, I wouldn't have learned how to love. Without her, I am nothing. Without her, my life would be empty.
I'd like to believe that I am made for her. That I am made to love her for eternity.
And I will never ever get tired of her.
I will never get tired of showing her how much I am deeply in love with her.
Not in this lifetime, not for another lifetime. If I have to break the rule of fate just so I can be with her then so be it.
I'd break the rule of fate for her. I'd go against fate for her, because I know what I want. Alam kong siya lang gugustuhin kong makasama habang buhay. Siya lang ang gugustuhin kong makasama sa pagtanda. Siya lang ang gugustuhin kong makasama sa bawat pag-gising ko sa araw-araw at sa bawat araw na nabubuhay ako.
She's the only one for me.
Siya lang at wala nang iba.