Chapter 21: You Are My Sunshine. Part II.
I sighed and set the box down on the coffee table, Gemma was changing Daylon's diaper and Jax was standing outside Percy's bedroom door trying to coax him into eating something. But Percy resisted.
"So, when are you going to sell the house?" Gemma asked curiously as she held the ever growing boy in her lap. He smiled a gummy smile up at me. I raked my finger through my hair and shrugged.
"I'm not." I replied honestly. We just paid off the last of the mortgage payments and now the house is ours for the next 20 years. I couldn't believe we paid off a house that cost $250,000 in 5 years. And our term is 25 years.
"Shit, your kid is stubborn." Jax cursed emerging from the hall with a dissatisfied look. I pursed my lips and nodded with my hands on there back of my hips.
"He's not stubborn, Jax. He's dealing with losing his father but I don't think he knows how to." I told him casually. Then the idea popped into my head, I picked the box up from the table and proceeded down the hall. I didn't even knock on the door, I just went in. Percy was lying in the middle of his bed with his back to the door and the curtains drawn.
"Percy, I just got home from getting some of dad's stuff. Do you wanna look at it with me?" I asked in a gentle but firm way. Percy sighed then sat up in his bed. His dark brown eyes were ringed with reddness and dark circles, they were swollen from the tears. His Californian tanned skin was pale and flushed. I set the box down on the end of his bed and opened the curtains to let some sunlight into the room. When I turned around I saw Percy was already nosing through the box. I sat down in front of him and pulled out a notebook that had Percy's name engraved on the cover. I smiled and handed Percy the book.
"I think this is meanty for you." I told him sweetly. Gemma and Jax were in the doorway with Daylon. Percy opened the book with a serious expression.
"What does it say?" I asked generally. For the first time in days I saw Percy smile softly as he read whatever his father wrote him.
"Percy, I'm giving this book to you so you can learn from my mistakes. Your mother once told me a very long time ago: We all make mistakes in life. I know I've made more than a lifetime worth of mistakes in my short thrity years of life. But there is a lesson to be learned in mistakes, it is not to repeat them but to acknowledge the ugly truth that rests inside your soul so you can nurture it and care for it like an infant until it's turned into something you're proud of because it is apart of who you are. This book is full of knowledge and wisdom that I've collected over the years so you can make your own mistakes instead of repeating mine. I love you always, dad." Percy had difficulty with some words but he read on like the trooper he was. Even though I was sitting there realizing he has been reading what I've been writing. That's something I wrote about in the first chapter. I couldn't help but get teary eyed when Percy smiled at the book as if the words came right out of Juice's mouth.
There is truth hidden in pain. That truth may reveal who you really are or what you've feared most. It doesn't matter what that truth is because you'll always see it sooner or later.
That night I had Gena babysit the boys while there was a pre-funeral party at the clubhouse. I didn't want to go but its required for the old lady to attend. The last one of these I attended was Opie's. I swore I'd never go to another one.
Gemma assigned Jax or Tara to stay with me at all times. I just wanted to be alone but Gemma didn't want me to be alone. I wonder if she thinks I'll do something stupid to try and be with Juice again. I won't because I have two kids to take care of and raise.
So I sat in there chapel by myself, everyone out something that reminded them of Juice on the table, sadly I couldn't put my entire life on the table so all I could do was sit and stare. I could hear people being loud and music, I tried to block it out but I couldn't. People in the other room celebrated Juice's life and mourned his death.
"Y'know, my mom is gonna rip me a new one if she finds out I let you out of my sight." Jax said as he closed the sliding doors to give us some privacy. I didn't reply, I was too numb to make a snarky comment. Jax sat down next to me and sighed.
"You know, no one is going to blame you if you have an abortion." Jax muttered to me quietly. I exhaled heavily and looked at him tiredly.
"How'd you find out?" I questioned seriously with a dull voice. Jax shrugged his shoulders then leaned forward, he used his knees as foundations and his elbows as supports.
"I got worried about you. I went through your things and I heard the voice mail message." Jax tried to justify why he went through my things but I was too tired and too numb to throw a hussy fit.
"I bet its gonna be a girl. Juice wanted to have a girl." I mumbled incoherently with a weak smile. Jax looped his arm around my shoulders reassuringly and rubbed my arm.
"Like I said: you don't have to go through with this. Nobody will look at you differently." I know Jax is trying to help me by giving me words of wisdom but right now I just wanted to be alone so I can figure out what to do next without influences.
"I'll look at me differently." I mumbled below my breath. He sighed heavily while I stared at my feet mindlessly. The slick black high heeled shoes went with the dark jeans and black tee shirt I wore. By Jax's feet was Juice's patch in vest. As much as I hated the club I couldn't help but long for the memories of the days Juice would show up at home wearing it like a badge of honor. I didn't want to have to miss the moment I hear his bike ride into the drive way or when he walks in the door wearing baggy work pants, a white tee shirt and his vest. But I knew that in years from now I won't even remember missing these things.
"Percy and I had a chat earlier while you were getting ready." Jax said without warning. I reacted by looking up at him curiously. His baby blue eyes looked haunted.
"He told me his dad wasn't a bad man. He said his dad was a good man who did something he thought was the right thing. Now that I think about it, I think he somehow knew that I've done bad things too and what he said applies to my life as well." Jax said lowly, I could just hear his words over the celebration in the other room. Jax must've felt guilty for all that's happened, after all he is the person who called the hit on my dad which led to my mom's suicide. Juice's death was caused by Xavier Green. I haven't been told how he died, all I know is it was fast.
"He forgives you, Jax. That's what he's trying to tell you. And he's telling you that you need to forgive yourself. Nobody knew this was going to happen in the matter of a day. It all happened so fast none of us had time to grasp onto anything." I said to Jax with a flat voice. Jax nodded and sighed again, dropping his head between his shoulders after bringing his arm back to his side. He picked the vest up and handed it to me.
"Everyone thinks we should give you his vest, if you want it." Jax offered me the only thing that I hated more at this moment but without hesitation I took it from him and draped it over my lap.
"I'm gonna go get Tara and we'll take you home. I'll drop the stuff off tomorrow before the funeral so he can be buried with it." He told me the game plan before getting up, he left me in that room with my thoughts. I couldn't help but look around to see Juice's first mug shot as a Son posted on the wall like a trophy. It was in that moment that I felt completely empty. I hated the feeling of being numb. It felt like I was just punched in the gut, all the air vacated my lungs and I struggled to get a gasp of air amongst the devasted tears. It finally sunk in that I lost the only man I've ever loved and and the only man I'll ever love. He's gone like the wind.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head, and I cried. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. I'll always love you and make you happy. If you will only say the same. But if you leave me to love another, You'll regret it all one day. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. Please don't take my sunshine away."