"Nika let's go. Please let's go. "
Nika drove straight not knowing where to go.
I'm crying. Deep. And can't breathe.
"What the heck happened!? Take your inhaler!!"
I didn't listen. I dropped my inhaler outside the window. Even my meds.
"Are you insane?!?!"
I'm not. I guess.
Until I can't see anything. But blurry vision.
Hanggang sa dilim lang ang nakita ko.
____
I glanced at Nathan and I'm breathing heavily.
"Baby"
I slapped him.
"Fuck you! Baby who!?"
I walked as fast as I can to Xyra and grabbed her hair and slapped her like she can't live tomorrow.
I pulled and pulled her hair while I'm crying and she's screaming.
The thing is. She's trying to fight back. But she can't. Until Nathan grabbed my arms for me to stop.
And I slapped him immediately. Xyra tried to fix herself. Until they saw me breathing heavily. My chest. It hurts. Hinawakan ko ang chest ko, sa sakit.
"Toria, are you fine?" Xyra asked.
Ang kapal nga naman.
"Ang kapal mo. Sobra!! Ang kapal nitong dalawang ito!" I'm crying. Nathan's just looking down while Xyra's hair is messed up and she's crying.
"What did you do for the whole five fucking months Nathaniel!! " I screamed with my tears.
Ang sakit ng.. Puso't mismong puso, ang sakit. Sobra. Di ako skandalosa pero di ko kinakaya ang lahat ng naisip ko. They had sex. He literally forgot about me.
"Toria, I'm sorry"
I slapped him. I can't believe I'm slapping the love of my life.
" Sorry!?! What a bullshit Nathan! You're fucking this girl!"
"Toria, please" Xyra tried to grab my hand but I refused.
"Shut up!! You're being such an angel now! Be you Xyra! Demonyita ka! "
Nakakuyom na ang kamay ko't napapikit sa inis.
"I'm done with you both. "
I ran outside his unit until he grabbed my arm.
"Bab—"
"Ano!!??" "Ano? Nathan?"
"I'm sorry!"
I sarcastically laughed.
"Sorry? Am I right?... You fucked her." I looked at him deep in his eyes.
" I kissed you but someone already kissed you first. " I chuckled.
" Ano? Nathan speak! —"
" Yes! I fucked her. We kissed yes! I wildly fucked her last night because I was drunk! "
Drunk. Is always the reason. Alak. Yan epekto ng lintek na alak na yan.
I pushed him away and pointed him.
"Drunk! You're drunk! Wow. I don't want to hear any explanation Nathan. Let's stop talking now and fuck you! I loved you so bad Nathan. "
I can't take it. Nag bblurr na lahat.
"How could you greet me. I hate you. So bad. Like I never hated you. "
I cried and ran to the elevator.
Left him. Crying.
____
"She'll be up soon. I guess she has a heart disease. She needs her doctor. She needs operation... "
Unang unang narinig ko sa doktor.
Nagising ako sa ospital. Naka nebulizer. Naka dextrose. Kausap ni Tita Hanni sila mama alam ko. Si Nika kausap si Doc Mendez. I know it.
"Toria!" Nika run towards me and hold my hand.
" Hija okay ka langg!!?? " Tita Hanni brushed her fingers to my hair.
I closed my eyes until I felt nothing. Again.
'All I need
is that one look
that says you’re always there,
just like in a fairy tale book.'
I want to escape. This nightmare. I can't take it.
"Doc, it's 10pm. Shes... She's awake!"
I heard Nika's voice. Talking to someone though the phone.
I woke up here at our hotel room. Naka nebulizer.
"Tita Hanni bought this for you. We bought you new inhaler and a new meds. Tita wants to talk to you tomorrow. Pahinga ka please. Whatever happens, I'm just here okay!?"
Nika is crying. I don't want to see her like this.
I hugged her. I cried even more.
My tears won't stop.
***
"He cheated."
Kinwento ko na lahat kay Nika. She's crying. Of anger. Sadness. And betrayal.
Sobrang dry ko. Parang wala na luhang mailalabas pa.
Nika hugged me tight and kissed my head. She's all I got.
2am. I'm here at the sofa, taking meds. Watching. While Nika's tired. Asleep.
I went outside to the terrace to see the San Francisco view. Naenjoy ko naman to, at least. One thing that made me calm here.
Looking outside the view. Deep to the stars. Thinking my life without Nathan. Thinking my future. Plans. And everything.
'signing off'
My last book of mind status.
----
"So.. hija?"
I'm with tita Hanni right now at the coffee shop. Anika's seated beside me, willing to listen.
Kinwento ko lahat. Ang nangyari't nakita ko. Tita and Nika is crying. Tita bit her lip and tears are flowing. Pinipilit niyang pumikit ng mariin.
"Toria. I'm sorry." Tita sighed and hold my hand.
" No, tita. I'll be fine. I'm sorry pina worry ko kayo. I'll be alright. I can do this. But, I want to become.. like you. I'll be a poem writer tita."I smiled and hold her hand. I glanced at Nika and she nodded like she already knew.
" So, I knew it. You're victoriousShell." Nika said while driving.
"How did you know? Huh"
"Your posts are all around. Pati sa twitter!" She giggled.
Tita Hanni agreed, and she'll be exposing my poems after her book conferences. Nika and I decided to go back to the Philippines.
Nathan... I never opened my phone to check. Knowing may texts and calls siya.
Nika and I bought lots of foods here in Cali, and some things too.
Then.. were back.
------
"Baby, it's alright"
"Someday... Lalaban tayo okay?"
The girls are here. We're having a wine. Kinwento ko na lahat. Rina's mad. Of course she is. Samuel is also here. Pinag luluto ako para daw cheer up.
I'm fine, really. I am. I can handle everything now. I smiled at them and hugged them.
I thought I can.
We're having fun here in my unit. I'm smiling. Outside. And laughing. Outside.
But I can't feel my soul. I can't feel my soul laughing.
Everyone left. Nika wanted to stay here, but I refused to.
It's already 2am, and Rina and Patrisha are drunk. Si Anika't ako lang sober, so Nika guided Trisha.
I'm here, again. At the balcony. Alone. Seeing flashbacks. Memories. And laughter. I looked inside my unit habang nasa balcony. Kitang kita ang saya namin ni Nathan. Ang tampohan. Amoan. Our kisses. Everything.
I bit my lower lip trying not to cry.
I looked up to the sky. Knowing suot ko pa ang necklace niya. Tinanggal ko ito ang hinawakan ng mahigpit. Nakatingin sa mga bitwin.
"Ang duga." I sighed with a tear.
I went inside and tried to check at his room. More flashbacks.
Everything. Kitang kita ko. Alalang alala ko. I cried deep in here, sa kama niya. Nakahiga akong umiiyak na walang tunog. Ewan ko kung may luha pang lumalabas saakin. Pero umiiyak ako.
Hanggang sa di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko.
' Everything in my past,
with you I can forget it all.
But, I was wrong.
You made me fall
But you fooled me. And killed me.
And played me, like a ball.
I can't do anything but to build a wall.'