"He's going to wake up, right? They're going to be fine, right?"
I've been asking Cy about them for the ninth time already and every single attempt of being hysteric, he'll look at me with his concerned eyes who's trying to calm me down.
I can tell--he's suffering because of me. His heart is being pierced everytime he'll caught even a single tear jumping out of my eyes. I can tell. He's very worried about me.
"They're going to be fine, okay?" Lumapit siya sa akin at hinalikan ako sa noo. That made me calm a little.
He then reached for my hand, wiping the crimson color from it with his black handkerchief. Slowly and softly--he's been stroking the fabric on my hand until the stains had finally disappeared from it.
"Here. Para hindi ka naman magmukhang serial killer." He cracked a joke to make me laugh and he didn't fail.
"Thank you." I smiled at him, hands were approaching to his cheeks to make him move towards me.
Hinalikan ko ang tungki ng ilong niya kahit na nagmumukha kaming PDA sa ER. Just this time, ayokong isipin ang iniisip nang iba tungkol sa akin. I just want to give my man a reward for being my shoulder.
Umupo kami sa may waiting area, nakatulala lang sa kawalan. Our cloths were already dry and so is our hairs. Wala na nga akong pakialam kung nabuhaghag na 'yon. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay ang maligtas si LJ at Laurie.
Maya-maya pa'y nakita ko si Ynna na naglalakad papunta sa direksyon namin, may dalang dalawang baso ng dark coffee galing sa cafeteria.
Nakasuot pa siya ng doctor's gown na pinaluoban ng grey sweater at mommy jeans. Halatang galing siya sa pag-iyak dahil namumula pa ang mukha niya. Maputi pa siya kaya mas madaling makita kung namamaga ba ang mata niya.
"Kape?" She gave us a small smile, offering the coffee she bought from the cafeteria.
Hindi ko inabot ang dala niya. Sa halip ay diretso ko siyang niyakap at hinagod ang likod niya. She looked shocked at first but when I whispered to her, she finally wail her pains again.
"It's okay. I know it's hard but he'll be fine. He's fine, Nana. Our LJ's a brave man." I keep on telling her that while she occupied the hallway with her soft sobs.
I know how hard it is for her. Ganito rin ang naramdaman ko nang namatay mismo si CJ sa harap ko. Masakit. Parang hindi mo na nga masabi kung anong klaseng sakit 'yon. You can never describe the pain and fear of losing someone dear to you.
We've been sitting outside the operating for for hours, waiting for the surgery to finish, when Dr. Salinas--Ynna's father, came out, a little worried.
"Find another resident, Nana. The other one inside's not feeling well. She needs to get out of the operating room." Her father said with an authority.
Ynna creased her forehead. "Dad, I can he--"
"You're not emotionally stable. Can you just please listen to me at least for a moment? You're more than being hard headed than your sister." Dr. Salinas can't help to scold his daughter when she insists to enter the OR.
And I quite agree with him. Nana's not emotionally stable to be a professional doctor. She might have a breakdown during the process lalo na't si LJ ang pasyente niya.
The only thing Dr. Salinas did wrong was when he compared his daughter with the other one. Comparison is like an insult to a person. We're all different in our own ways.
"But I can't let someone in na hindi naman capable! Papa you know LJ's so important to m--" Natigil si Ynna sa pagsasalita nang dumapo ang tingin niya sa akin.
"Can you help?" Nag-aalangan niyang tanong. "But if you'll help--you'll get your job back and you might not like being a do--"
"I can help." I gave her a small smile for an assurance.
I think, this is the one I've been thinking about fate. Is it finally my time to stop pressuring myself over something that's not entirely my fault? Should I grab my dream again?
"I'll give you 2 minutes to dress properly. We don't waste time."
I nodded at Dr. Salinas before he enters the OR again. I then glanced at Cy who's now smiling widely, cheering me up. Nana did the same thing, too. She knew that she can trust me despite knowing of my past mistakes.
Nervousness and fear occupied my whole body as I looked at LJ's body lying in an operating bed. They were already starting to fix something from his rib so I decided to clear my mind and to focus first on the operation.
Luckily, it did well. He's now stable but still not sure when to gain his consciousness. He'll be staying in the ICU for a few days until he wakes up.
On the other hand, Laurie's in a private room, getting some sleep because of the medications they gave to calm her down. Nagwawala na kasi siya kanina sa kagustuhang maisalba ang kapatid niya. And I just can't blame her for that.
I know how it feels to be crazy when you're too desperate to save a person especially when they really meant to you.
"Magpahinga ka na muna, please? You look really tired." Pang ilang ulit na akong kinukulit ni Cy dahil ayaw ko pang umalis. "They're fine. I know you're still worried pero baka ikaw naman ang magkasakit. LJ will not be happy if he knows something like that."
Kanina niya pa ako pinapagalitan pero hindi naman siya naninigaw. Gusto niya na akong umuwi at matulog dahil hatinggabi na. Kapag sinabi ko namang mauna na siya, mas lalong ayaw umalis.
"Sige na, Steph. Nandito naman ako. I'll call you, okay?" Ynna assured me too, helping Cy to convince me.
I sighed in surrender. "Fine." Ibinagsak ko ang magkabilaang balikat pero nagpapaawa pa rin kay Cy para pumayag siya. "But let me visit Laurie. Please?"
Siya naman ang napabuntong-hininga nang ngumuso na ako. Ngayon ko nalang gagamitin ang weakness niya sa'kin.
"Fine." Ngumuso rin siya, marahang inikot ang mata. Mukhang labag pa sa loob niya 'yon pero ginawa niya pa rin.
Narinig ko ang mahinang tawa ni Ynna kaya sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Cy. My lips formed a small smile when I heard them lowkey cursing at each other. That made the atmosphere a lot better.
"I'll wait outside, okay?" Cy kissed my forehead before letting me go inside the room.
When I finally went inside, I saw Laurie, peacefully sleeping on her bed with a white thick blanket covering her body. There's a dextrose connected on her left backside of her hand.
The room was dull. It doesn't have any paintings or designs and the color's plain white--even the side table. The smell of disinfectant were also present in the area. That made me miss it's smell. Hindi siya masakit sa ilong pero hindi mo rin naman gugustuhing amoyin. Parang chlorine, e.
Umupo ako sa isang side chair at inilapit ito sa higaan ni Laurie. I reached for her hand while my eyes were looking at her peaceful korean skin.
"Maganda ka pa rin kahit may mga gasgas ka." I chuckled after saying those words. "How hard it is for you to lose both of your love ones? CJ left the world, and your long time love interest decided to leave without you even telling him that you love him all those years."
"I'm sorry for causing you too much pain, Rie. I'm sorry for failing as your best friend." I bit my lower lip when I felt my tears started to roll down from my cheeks.
I can't describe the pain it caused me when Laurie decided to turn her back on me--when she finally decided to cut our ties as best friends. But those pains can't even compare to what's she's been feeling after losing CJ.
Ni hindi niya man lang nasabi na gusto niya ito. Ni hindi niya man lang naparamdam kay CJ na mahal niya 'to. Takot lang siya--takot siya dahil baka hindi siya mapansin at masira lang siya. And those fears were the reasons why she had her biggest regrets on love until now.
And that guy whom she's willing to take risk was a great heartache for her too. All those years they've been together as a doctor and patient---she loved him and she still do kahit na wala na siyang binalikan nang umuwi siya rito.
"Issa?" My attention went back when a soft voice called me.
I wiped my tears away using my other hand while the other's still holding her hand. I looked at her, plastering a smile, trying to hide my tears.
"Hey." Thank God! She's finally awake.
"Thank you for saving kuya's life." Her face turned into a frown, now bottling up her tears. "And I'm sorry for all those time."
"I-I know, sorry's not enough. I-I know. B-But I'll try my b-best to be okay with you. I-I'm really so--" Hindi na niya natapos ang sasabihin nang tuluyan na siyang maiyak.
I gave her a small smile as I wiped her tears away. "It's okay, Rie. I'm just here."
"Will you comeback now?" She asked out of nowhere. "Being a doctor. You're dream. Will you go back now?" She's being determined to convince me to go back.
The side of my lips rose up, thinking about it. "Well, I guess so?"
I guess, I'm ready to be a doctor again.
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