It's been about a week now since I've been staying over at Harry's.
It was really nice of him to let me stay here. His mum keeps insisting I call her Anne instead of Mrs Styles. It's almost as if his family has made me part of their family as well, and it feels comforting. I needed to feel welcome like this and the Styles did exactly that for me; I couldn't be more grateful.
Gemma, his sister has been really friendly too. I sometimes sleep in her room whenever I feel the need to be alone, as she is not always home anyway. She also treats me like her little sister, and that makes me feel odd but happy at the same time; I mean, I've always been an only child, so I never really knew how it felt, but she gave me some taste of it.
Since I lost my mum, I keep having nightmares that my father will find me again. It makes me paranoid and although I know he doesn't know who Harry is though or where he lives, I feel as though I am putting his family in danger. Whenever I try to step out of the house, I find myself having an anxiety attack, most of the time. Harry always reassures me that everything will be okay and that my father won't do anything, but I am dubious of that.
I am not ready to go back to my house yet, and Harry, being the perfect boyfriend that he is, keeps going to my house, just to get all of the things I need. I tell him that he shouldn't worry about it, because I'm scared that my dad might be on the lookout, but he says that he's always careful. I've also not been physically and emotionally stable yet – I'm still a wreck; Harry does all the cooking and cleaning whenever Anne or Gemma aren't around. For that, I feel horrible and completely useless – I wish I could contribute as well, since I am living with them too – but nothing gives me a boost to get out of bed in the morning. I spend most of my time in bed; the only time I get up is to go to the washroom or take a shower, which is something I do several times a day, since long showers make time go by faster.
I also feel bad, because Harry missed the whole week of school just to spend time with me in the house. He also knows that I have been bad again and he knows about me starting to drink, cut and smoke, which is why he's probably sticking around. I'm not exactly sure, but whenever I ask, he says that he's scared of losing me and that school doesn't really matter right now.
"Besides, we can catch up with school work together later." I hear his voice in my head repeat the same sentence for the tenth time, and I can't help but smirk a little.
However, tomorrow, Harry is supposed to go back to school, because Anne is starting to worry about his grades. I don't want him to go because when he's around, I don't feel alone and I feel safe, but I can't be selfish and tell him to stick around – he's already done so much and how could I possibly ask for more?
I can't help but think of the things we've done together so far, when he was supposed to be in class. We've played cards, board games, video games for the last week. How will I spend my time when he's at school now? I should probably go back too, but I don't want to, not yet, at least.
Harry gets up and leaves the room, which smells like a mixture of cigarettes, alcohol and perfume. I keep telling him that we're better off spending our days somewhere else in the house so that he doesn't have to get used to that funny smell. I've tried my best to not keep the room messy and smelly, but clearly I've failed and the reason for that is because of the sadness found deep within me and perhaps, laziness.
"Julieee!" I hear Harry's voice. He's probably in the kitchen and got the ingredients for whatever we're going to make. I shut the door after turning the light off and I go to the kitchen to see Harry shirtless by the radio.
"Looking good Styles."
"Styles, Harry Styles"
There's a long silence and after a while I realize that I'm still staring at his abs and he's just there looking at me, perhaps perplexed.
"So what's cooking?" I ask, trying to look away and pretend as if that moment never happened.
"Your favorite, dear Julie"
"Lasagna?"
"Mhhmm." He nods his head and turn the volume on the radio louder.
I feel relieved because no matter how many days he stayed with me after my mother's death, it feels like today is the best one yet. It's kind of ironic how he's the one teaching me to cook though and I don't even know anything about cooking, but he doesn't mind and that makes me really happy.
By the time Anne and Gemma came home, the table was already set and all the food was waiting to be eaten.
"That was a lovely and delicious surprise." Anne stated after dinner and both Harry and I were smirking at each other.
"I'm glad you liked it..."
"Mum did you tell her yet?" Gemma asks once I look up again after hearing her voice.
"No, um but Julie...we talked about it and um we just want to invite you to live with us. but you have a choice, the people responsible for the will and everything told us that your mum said you are to live with your dad or at a relative's place...But we are giving you a choice, so you have a lot of options to pick from. You can stay at your father's, a relative, here with us or we will allow you and Harry to move in together in a separate apartment."
"But Mrs..." I say, but Harry's mom interrupts me and I see Harry laughing.
"Anne." She adds with a huge smile on her face.
"Anne, this is too much to ask for from you, you've already done so much for me. You really don't have to do this for me." I say nervously and still in shock that she even offered.
"So I'm guessing you're choosing to stay here?" Harry says with a smile on his face and he winks.
This is really too much. I mean all was going well until this conversation about where I am to stay came up. It's upsetting me now. It was just another reminder for me to wake up and realize that my mum is gone. To think that one of the options was to stay with my dad; that just sickens me. Then the flashbacks start coming back to me. My step-siblings. I can't let them there. I got a plan.
"Um, well you think that they'll tell me my father's address if I decide to stay there?" I say, not realizing what words even came out of my mouth.
Harry's expression immediately changes, because he knows. He knows what my dad did and he's clearly shocked that I just said that.
"What?"
"They'll give me his address, right? I mean he doesn't have to know that I will go there...can I just like surprise him and show up at his house?" I ask once again, trying to sound confident.
"Love, we'll have to let them know by tomorrow morning and I believe he is to come pick you up."
"If this happens, then I can't be picked up from here. Anne if that's okay, I just need to be there to do something. I mean, I don't want to stay with him forever, I just want to see my step siblings one last time."
"Alright hun, I'll see what I can do to get the address for you then."
"Mum, you can tell them that you need the address so you can see with Ju what's more convenient for her, you know what I'm saying?"
Harry, you are brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?
For the rest of the night, I help Anne out with the dishes. Harry and Gemma are in their rooms so we are alone, which is something rare. I feel like it's awkward, but I know that if I intend to stay here, then I better get used to these types of situations.
"Anne, thank you so much. Honestly. You mean so much to me and Harry...he's just...you've got quite an amazing boy. Never forget that. Always remind him how much you love him Anne." I say, almost in a whisper. I break the silence between us, and immediately feel better; this isn't going to be so bad after all.
"Julie, I'm the one who should be thanking you. You're amazing and you make Harry so happy. He loves you and we all care so much about you. I'm glad to have you with us here, you're like a daughter to me." Her words hit me so hard that I had to turn away so that she wouldn't see the tears. I keep my mouth shut too so that she doesn't know.
"Ju? You have a min?" Harry whispers in my ear, surprising me from behind my back. His arms are wrapped around my waist.
I don't say a word, I just nod and leave to go with Harry.
"Wait, I'll be there in a sec."
"Okay." He says and he walks to his room. I turn back around and stand in front of Gemma's room, then after a while I knock.
"Come in."
"Hi Gem..."
"Hey there Jules, come on in, have a seat."
I shut the door and walk over to her. I probably look really nervous or scared, but I'm not. I can feel my checks burning, and I think to myself that I probably look like a tomato, but I don't care. It's kind of dark anyway, so she probably can't see it.
"I won't be long because Harry is waiting for me, but I just wanted to say thank you. Really. For everything."
"It was a pleasure to have you here, I mean we're like family now." She says and gives me a hug. I feel speechless and I think I'm going to cry again. No, no, no. Don't say that. Don't even think that, because then you really are going to cry. I tell myself.
Words aren't coming out anymore. My throat feels tight, like everything I want to say is stuck there and it won't come out, no matter how much I want to say it. So, I just hug her real tight, for quite a long time.
"If you don't like it over at your dad's when you stay there, you can come back anytime, you know that right? Our doors will always be open."
"But Gem, I'm not going to stay there. I know that I can stay here, but it's not the same and I'm giving you guys way too much worries about me. It shouldn't be that way, I can't risk to put your family in danger too." I can't be selfish like that. I've been selfish for long enough. It's time to move on from being so self-centered for once and actually expand my horizons and look at the consequences that my actions may have on others life.
When I get to Harry's room, he's sitting at his desk doing his work. I guess he hears me come in, because he turns around and gets up to walk towards me.
"What took you so long?"
"Oh, Uh..."
"Relax, I'm just joking babe." He pulls me in close and kisses me hard, so I kiss him back. For a moment, it feels great, only because I forget about everything and it feels as though Harry and I escaped to a happy perfect world, but then after the kiss I snap back to reality.
"How come you...Uh want to go to your dad? I mean it's not safe, no matter how safe you try to be, I'm going to worry so much about you if you actually stay there. By the time you come back, I'll probably have white hair starting to show, from all my worries."
"But I'm not staying there, you'll see. I have a plan." I say, but I don't add more. I end the sentence there; half-complete.
I look around his room and I start to get flashbacks of my room and of when I was young. These flashbacks really need to stop, because it makes me sick, everything time.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, um can we just make tonight about us? I mean let's not talk about anything from the past or anything like that, tonight is special. I mean today is like our special day together. Like it was also your last day staying with me before you go back to school, I know I'm not ready for that but um we could maybe celebrate a bit and just forget about everything?"
Harry smirks. Oh dear.
"I'm not thinking in any wrong way Harry. I really just want tonight to be special." I say, trying to sound innocent, but I know that Harry is probably thinking otherwise.
I sigh when he finally says something.
"Do you want to go outside with me to lay down on the grass and look at the stars?"
"I don't see why not.."
"Go to the backyard, I'll be there in a bit." He says, in a demanding tone, but I know he doesn't want to sound manipulative or anything like.
On my way, I pass by Anne, who is going to her room. I say good night and by the time I get to the backyard, Harry is already there with a bunch of things surrounding him.
How did he even make it there that fast AND before me?!
"What's all of this?"
"I was thinking we do something different tonight, since you said you wanted it to be special."
"Like?" I say and he smirks.
"Well you tell me...I've got a tent here, two sleeping bags, some beers..."
I cut him off and start to panic, "Harry, you do know you've got to be up early tomorrow. You can't get drunk tonight!"
"A couple of beers won't hurt." Styles, why do you always have to do this? You always try to sound so convincing and it gets me every time, literally.
It doesn't take us more than fifteen minutes to set up the tent. We share one bottle of beer, but for some reason we still both burst out into the song "99 bottles of beer."
When we lay down, he puts my head on his chest so I can hear his heartbeat and we stay like that when we watch the clouds together. We talk about everything, but the past.
"I love you Julie."
"And I love you Harry."
"Styles, Harry Styles." We don't need to say more. These three words that he keeps repeating lately seems to be the end of our conversations, and that's okay. I'm fine with it and so is he.