!!! Trigger warning !!! mental health and description of what happened between her and Kotaka in italic. Skip the chapter if you are very sensitive to these things xx (anyone who has been/is victim of any form of abuse just know that you are not to take the blame for it! This chapter talks about how some people can process very heavy situation. Sometimes some people need to put the blame on the victim because it gives them a sense of control, like things like this don't happen if you avoid them. That's not the way it is, it is simply how some people react until they process the information. I had a feeling that Sasuke would be someone like this so that is how I portrayed it. Please keep that in mind when reading.)
Thursday, 5th of October / 5
Sakura woke up from a nightmare. They never stopped. Angry at herself for being so weak, she grabbed the jar of soldier pills. She took one. From now on, she didn't want to sleep anymore.
Sasuke was spying on Tsuchigumo from the forest. Nothing odd was happening. The village was the same as it always had. They were lifeless and completely mechanic.
Friday, 6th of October / 4
Sakura was lying down in her bed. The effect of the pill she just took was staring to giver her more energy. It was her 24th hour without sleep. She looked at the window and realised that the sky was dark with only the moon as company.
Sasuke tried to find some sleep but couldn't. He stared at the moon and sighed. He felt lonely.
Saturday, 7th of October / 3
Sakura cleaned her kitchen for the sixth time today. The entire place was spotless but she couldn't stop herself from cleaning it. Everywhere that she was looking at seemed dirty.
Sasuke finally found the motivation to go inside the village to get a better idea of what is going on in there when they don't know that someone is watching them.
Sunday, 8th of October / 2
Sasuke was hiding in the village of white Zetsus. Now that he knew the truth, Tsuchigumo seemed completely different and more menacing. He had never liked this place but it was worse now.
It was already late at night and it was the safest time for him to wander around. He walked through the streets trying to hear a conversation, find something or maybe discover something related to Kaguya but nothing. It felt like the whole village was dead now that the sun was down. Unconsciously, his feet brought him in front of the house he had stayed in with Sakura. The ground was still broken from her punch and the door was still opened. He looked around and walked inside.
Nothing had been moved. His fish were still in the kitchen but dead now. He laughed at the irony of it. These fish showed the moment when he got closer to her. It was around this time when he realised that he wanted to marry her. In a way, these fish were symbolising his relationship with her, but now they were dead, just like his marriage. With a ball forming in his stomach, he walked upstairs to her bedroom.
He walked in and remembered that, when he left, he didn't have time to fully pack her things. His hands wandered in the drawers and picked up the clothes left. All of them were still folded nicely. He frowned his eyebrows seeing the top that she was wearing the first day he had seen her when he came back to the village. He unfolded it and looked at the back. It had the crest of her clan on it. He swallowed with difficulty asking himself if she was wearing the Uchiha crest on her tonight. Was she sleeping with his t-shirt or with her own clothes?
He decided to fold it up again and brought the pile of clothes downstairs with him. He walked in front of the sofa and he struggled to keep it together. He was fighting against the memories that kept coming back. He was on a mission and needed to focus. As he walked back to his base camp, he walked in front of the wall that he saw in Kotaka's memory. As he looked at it, the picture of Sakura being forced against the wall invaded his mind.
"Kotaka was walking Sakura home. She was laughing at what he was saying. Suddenly he pinned her against the wall.
"So Sakura, how are we going to end this date, tell me?"
"What are you-" His face met hers as his lips moved, forcing their way on hers. Sakura pushed him away panicking. "Stop this."
"Why? In my village that's how we end a date."
"That's not how we do in mine, stop it."
"You know, if you kiss me, then I can bring you home. I'm more fun to talk to than the statue you live with at the moment."
"What?"
Once again, he forced himself on her. His lips were covering her entire face, biting her lips, going down her neck, biting her neck, sucking the skin. His hand travelled up to her breast and was touching them. Sakura's arm kept pushing his hand away, but after he pinned it to the wall, he continued. Sakura was begging him to stop and she was in tears.
"Stop, please stop this."
No answer. Suddenly Sakura seemed to have given up. She silently cried and stopped fighting. He didn't take off her clothes or his but he touched her on top of the fabric for a good few minutes. The time when he stopped, was when they heard footsteps coming their way."
The vision blurred in front of Sasuke. He realised that his rage had came back, blurring his eyes and his mind. He needed to punch something, now.
He made his way back to the forest where his bed was. He put down the clothes and walked to the closest tree he could find. He punched the bark of it once. He took a deep breath trying to calm down but he quickly sent another punch. He felt the urge of doing it over and over again.
Their first journey.
The rage quickly took over his body again. His mind started to think really fast and thinking to himself made him even angrier. "She could've stopped this. It's her fault, she went on a date with him. She is the reason why it happened."
Their kisses.
His hand was painful and the contact of the bark scratched his skin until it bled. "How dared she look at me knowing that she kissed another man? How could she say yes to marry me when she lied to my face. If our marriage doesn't work it's because of her. It's all because of her. She is the one who made me care about her. I never asked for anything." he was panting but his hand kept hitting the tree. When he heard a crack, he backed away and moved on to a different one.
Their first time.
He started punching it. He clenched his teeth under the pain. "Why do I care? It's not like I need her. I can manage without her. I always managed without her. I always managed without anyone. I don't need that stupid marriage. I don't need anyone. If I am alone I won't get mad anymore." the tears were falling down his eyes and rolling on his cheeks. "It's your fault Itachi! You told me to get with her. You promised that I will be happy but look at me, do I look happy to you?! I've never wanted to kill someone so much in my life, other than you. I don't want her to be this important. Maybe if I never go back I will forget about her and I won't feel guilty to hurt anymore."
Them playing with each other.
He heard a crack in his hand and stopped himself from screaming under the pain. He bit the inside of his cheek closing his eyes. Right now he regretted to only have one arm. He rested his forehead against the tree and tried to catch his breath. His hand was resting painfully against his chest, exactly where Sakura used to put her head. That spot belonged to her and only her. He tried to swallow his tears and miserably failed. His head was about to explode from the thoughts. He started to gently hit it against the tree. "It's my fault. I should've told her not to go, I should've kept her at home with me. I should've stopped this. I should've protected her and I shouldn't have kissed her. It's all because of me."
Her smile.
His knees weakened and he fell on them. The landing was hard so he tried to soften it with his broken hand. The pain was so strong that he screamed because of it. It wasn't a loud scream. "She faced something like this and didn't tell me about it because I can't even make her feel better. She preferred to keep it quiet instead of telling me. That night she came back hugging me and crying. I should've gone after him but instead I didn't even give her any form of support." Sasuke was feeling powerless. He was hating himself.
Her hand on his cheek.
Kotaka's memory came back in his mind. The wall, his forced kisses, her tears, the way she gave up. He was feeling sick. Sick of seeing that memory, sick of Kotaka's actions, sick of his reaction, sick of what he had said to her. The bile moved to his throat. He was about to throw up. He turned his head and threw up on the ground. Wall, tears, his hand on her body as she begged him to stop. He felt sick again and threw up a second time. His reaction, what he said to her, what she said to him, her not wanting to talk to him. He had nothing left in his stomach so he threw up bile.
An Hawk landed on the ground next to him. He looked at it and recognised a bird from Konoha. It was carrying a small package and a letter. Sasuke somehow managed to untie the knot with his hand. He took the note and opened it flat on the ground. He hoped that it was Sakura writing him.
"Hey Sasuke,
look, I tried to talk to Sakura. She's been locked up in her apartment since you left. It's been twelve days already and none of us know if she eats or anything. Even Ino couldn't see her. Look... maybe you should come back to talk to her, you know. She put what's in the package in front of her door with a note asking to send this to you. I'm sorry for what you will find inside... honestly...
Naruto."
Sasuke was shaking. Not caring about the pain, he opened the package. His heart sank in his chest. He tried to catch his breath but failed as his hand took the piece of fabric out. His t-shirt, the one that she loved so much. Sasuke did something that he had never done before. He sat against the tree and brought the fabric to his nose.
She was hurt and I wasn't there for her. I failed her.
"She needs me."
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Monday, 9th of September / 1
"Sakura...? What are you doing here?"
"I need to buy flowers."
"But for- excuse me? You disappear during two weeks and you show up to buy flowers?"
"Yes. How are you?"
"How am- Sakura!" Ino was shouting scaring the people walking by her shop. "You have to explain yourself!"
"There is nothing to say. I needed a break, I'm fine now."
"So why are you wearing the Haruno crest on your back?"
"Oh, you know I spent the last two weeks making some choices."
"And you decided to be a Haruno again? You know that's not how it works right?"
"Well, knowing that he won't be living in the village, I can be whoever I want. No one will ever know that I got married to him."
"What? Why? I thought that you were ok with him travelling and all."
"Oh... things change."
Ino was looking at her friends. Over the last two weeks she had been worried sick about Sakura. She wondered if she was eating, sleeping or at least getting out of bed but there she was, standing in front of her with a big smile on her face.
"So something did happen between you and him?"
"Yes. Some things, something, some, it doesn't matter. He exists and that's the issue. You know, flowers bloom and die. Even pretty flowers.... they bloom and die. That's a beautiful metaphor, don't you think?"
"What?"
"Even the prettiest flower dies. Everything dies. Pretty, pretty flowers." she was touching the petals of a peony as she repeated her last sentence.
"Sakura, how much sleep did you get lately?"
"It's funny that you ask. I realised that when you stop sleeping life gets better. It's more colourful and vibrant."
"Sakura,"
"I need to go and see Kakashi. Bye Ino."
"See Kakashi?" her friend was already gone. "What the hell happened?"
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Naruto saw Sakura walking in front of his apartment. She was going towards the Hokage's tower. Feeling relief to see her outside and well, he jumped down his balcony and landed in front of her.
"Hey Sakura-chan!"
"Oh, isn't it Naruto. Your eyes have never been this blue."
"What?" he frowned his eyebrow. Sakura seemed... too happy. "Are you fine?"
"Am I? That's a good question. I don't feel anything, does that mean that I am fine? Judge for yourself!"
"You're wearing some weird makeup."
"I tried something new. If it works for Ino, it'll work for me too."
"Sakura-"
"I really need to go. Say hi to Hinata from me."
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"Kakashi."
Kakashi rose his eyebrows. Sakura always added the sensei to his name and entered with a knock and the fact that she did none of these things made him suspicious. "It's good to see you out again."
"I want to retire from the clinic."
"Excuse-me?"
"Yes, I've decided that I wanted to go and live in the forest or something. I don't want to be in this village anymore."
"Sakura, if this is about what happened with Sasuke... just wait until he comes back."
"Sasuke? Oh, he is dead to me. I'll be on my way tomorrow."
---------------------------
"Kakashi-sensei!!!"
"Yes, Naruto?"
"Did you see Sakura-chan?"
"She did come here. I'm afraid you missed her... if this was even her."
"She was weird, wasn't she?"
"Weird is not the word I'd use." the blonde woman walked into the office.
"Ino!! Did you see her too?"
"She came by the shop. She told me that she wasn't sleeping anymore and started talking about flowers."
"She wants to leave the village."
"What?" Ino and Naruto screamed at Kakashi. "She told me that she wanted to retire from the clinic."
"But that clinic is everything to her... Kakashi-sensei, we're her best friends, we deserve to know so if you know something tell us." Ino's voice was shaking.
"There was a fight. I was present for it. Sakura has been forced, I don't know to what extend, by Kotaka. Sasuke saw it when he placed him under a genjutsu. He got angry at her and said some things he shouldn't have. Sakura told him that their marriage was a mistake."
"Kotaka did what? I'm gonna punch him."
"There is no need for that, Naruto. Sasuke already did that... in fact, he almost killed him."
"He should have killed him. I'm gonna send a letter to this idiot to get his ass back to the village before my birthday. He needs to fix this mess."
Naruto left the room leaving Ino and Kakashi alone.
"I should go check on Sakura... make sure that she doesn't say something else completely stupid."
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Sakura was walking towards the exit of the village. She had her bag on her shoulder as she hummed joyfully. The sun was setting, giving the sky a beautiful orange colour. She knew that she had told Kakashi that she would leave in the morning but the sight of her appartment was making her sick.
"Put the bag down, Sakura."
She raised her eyebrows with a smile. "I didn't expect you back so soon. It's sad that I am leaving."
"You are not going anywhere."
Her eye twitched and she turned around to face him. When she saw his face she started to laugh. "Why are you serious, hn? Why am I even asking that... you are always too serious. I mean if we really look at it, it seems like you have no emotions." she laughed again. "Actually, it doesn't seem like it, you have no emotions. Well, nice seeing you!"
She turned her back and walked away from him with a smile on her face. "Sakura!" she heard his footsteps. She was ready to punch him if she had to. He appeared in front of her eyes and she stopped annoyed at him.
"Why are you stopping me? Let me live my life."
"Your life is connected to mine now."
"Oh, now you think this way? It's so funny that you do."
"Sakura-"
"No." she raised her hand at him. "I don't want to hear it."
"I always let you speak when you have something to say. It's my turn now."
"That sounds fun. I'm listening." he stayed quiet in front of her and she laughed again.
"Of course you'd be quiet. Trying to find how to fake an emotion right now? I can help you with it, you're supposed to feel bad."
"I know." she rolled her eyes at him. "I am sorry."
"Mh.... that would've worked three months ago but it won't anymore."
Sasuke looked at the woman in front of him. She wasn't the one he loved, she couldn't be. He didn't know how to react. She seemed so indifferent... and it hit him.
She was like him years ago. She had switched off everything and was numb. As he looked into her eyes, he knew that his wife was still in there somewhere and all he needed to do was to find the trigger. His was talking to his brother when he fought Kabuto, hers had to be something she cared about. He tried something knowing very well that he could loose her for good. If she came back she would either hate him or love him for what he was about to do.
"You know what? I take back my apology. It's your fault if you ended up in this situation."
"My fault? You never fail to surprise me, Sasuke."
"I mean it. I am angry at you for not saying it to me, I am angry that I had to learn it from him and I am mad at you for befriending them back in that village. If you were a capable ninja you would know that feelings should be put aside during a mission." he saw her face change and he felt his stomach hurt. It was painful to say these things to her but he had no other choice.
"I hate you. Why did I even think that you could change? You're the same, Sasuke. You manipulate people until they do what you want them to and then you turn on them. You need to control everyone. You have no emotions, so stop pretending otherwise." her voice was getting louder. "You used me! You used me to revive your clan! At the end you are just as bad as Kotaka. That's why you can't get along with him, because when you look at him you see yourself."
She pushed him. He let her get it out. That was exactly what he wanted. He needed her to release her emotions one way or the other.
"Sakura-chan!"
"You asked him to come too?" she stared at him angrily before she turned to Naruto. "Why are you here?"
"You can't leave."
"Why?"
"Something happened at the clinic."
Sasuke saw her eyes growing wider. "What happened?"
"A little girl... she..."
"Which little girl?!"
"Brown hair, tiny... she has a red mark on her neck."
"Yukata..." Sasuke watched her face decompose. She dropped her bag and ran towards the clinic. He followed leaving Naruto behind.
He arrived in front of the clinic and saw a group of people surrounding it. He tried to push everyone to find Sakura but he couldn't. He eventually saw her holding a little body against hers. He ran to her.
"What happened?" he saw her eyes look at him confused. Different emotions showed on her face but none stayed. They just passed by.
"I don't know. She jumped." she looked down at the little girl.
"Sakura, look at me." he grabbed her chin in his completely swollen hand. "What do you feel?"
"Nothing. I don't feel anything." when she looked back at him her face was completely neutral. She dropped the little girl, stood up and walked away. He ran after her.
"Where are you going?" he shouted.
"Home."
He was about to go after her but Naruto stopped him first. He asked him what had happened. Sasuke explained everything to the blonde and ran towards Sakura's apartment. He knocked and waited but no one came so he opened the door. He found her cleaning her kitchen counter. As he approached he realised that she was crying and rubbing aggressively.
"Sakura..." his voice was soft.
"I need to clean this. It's not clean. It's not clean. Why is it not clean?" he looked around and realised the state of her apartment. It was completely empty.
"Sakura where are your furniture?"
"I had to get rid of them. I couldn't clean the place with them here." she was still rubbing he stone counter. He slowly approached her.
"Sakura, calm down."
"NO! You don't understand, I need to clean it. It's not clean."
He put his hand on hers. He ignored the pain radiating from his hand. "Where is it dirty?" she stopped and looked at him. "I will clean it. Calm down." she pointed at an invisible stain and Sasuke started to rub it. "See, it's not dirty anymore."
"What is wrong with me." she hid her face behind her hands. "What is wrong with me?"
He let go of the sponge and walked to her. "Nothing is wrong with you, nothing."
"I need to clean." she let her hands down and tried to grab the sponge but Sasuke stopped her.
"I cleaned everything. Sakura..." he saw her staring at the sponge. "look at me. It's clean."
She looked at him. Tears filled her eyes. "I'm going insane. Why am I like this?" she started to breath faster and faster. He remembered the time in the labyrinth and he realised that she was having a panic attack. "Yukata. She's dead. It's my fault. All of this is because of me." she was holding her chest trying to breath. "She's dead." Sasuke could see the emotions making their way into her brain. It started with anger, then denial, confusion, fear, panic and sadness. They all mixed together and overwhelmed her. "Why are you here?"
"Because you are my wife."
"But I told you that it was a mistake."
"It wasn't a mistake."
"You're disgusted."
"Of what?"
"Me. I saw the way you looked at me when you learned about it. I saw how you looked at me. I saw it, I saw you, I saw it, I saw you. I saw his eyes, I saw it, I saw it, I saw it." the tears were coming out and she spoke really fast.
"Sakura. Calm down."
"You shouldn't have married me." she covered her face again and broke down. "You shouldn't have. Why did he marry me?" all of this sounded more like a whisper to herself but Sasuke heard it. It was breaking his heart to hear her talk like that. "I'm disgusting. Sasuke is ashamed of me. Sasuke will never want to be around me again. He will never want me again. He will hate me again. He will-"
He approached her and passed his arm around her shoulders. "I am not ashamed of you."
He felt her fall to the ground. He moved behind her, rested his back against the kitchen counter, spread his legs and brought her to his chest. He was surrounding her with his legs while his arm wrapped her torso. He kissed her cheek. She was shaking in his arm.
"I'm sorry. I reacted the way I did because I didn't know how to handle this situation. I said something I shouldn't have and I left thinking that it was what you wanted from me. I am here now, I won't leave."
"You're here. You're really here." he felt her tears falling on his arm. The water was hitting his skin. "What happened to your hand."
"I got mad at myself."
"Let me heal that."
"No, it's ok."
"No, let me." he felt his hand getting better. "You broke nearly every bone in it. It'll take me a while." he kissed her cheek again.
She finished her work and broke down again. "What can I do?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"I'm here."
She cried in his arm for hours before she finally calmed down. He realised that she was asleep when her head rolled on his chest. His grip around her got tighter.
"I can't be disgusted by you because I love you."
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!!! Important !!!
Do not take what Sasuke says personally or do not apply it to your life if you are victim of abuse. If you are a victim, seek help. Look online for the rape crisis center phone number in your country and call them. If you are in immediate danger call the police. Please be safe and know that if you don't consent to something but you are still forced, it is rape. If someone is violent for any reason with you, it is abuse. If you are being manipulated, blackmailed or anything like that, it is abuse. It is punishable by law.
You deserve to be heard and protected. You deserve to live without being in fear and you deserve to be in control of your own mind and body.
Stay safe. Take care of yourself and talk about it. Do not keep it to yourself. You are loved and you will be helped if you open up.
I just want to add a little note again. It is never the victim's fault. Never.
I recently studied how some people can handle learning about someone they care about being victims of abuse. When learning something like this, they can have a feeling of losing control or have a feeling of not being able to protect the person that they love so they will blame everything or everyone, even the victim sometimes because it gives them a sense of control. It convinces them that situations like that can be avoided.
What it does it's that it allows their brain to be more "empty" and treat the information without being too emotional about it until they finally accept it.
This chapter portrays how someone like this can react (it's fictional of course and it usually happens slower that this) but to give you an idea. Our brains are all made differently and we all react differently. Sasuke felt desperate that he didn't help her, desperate that someone he loved so much had been hurt like this. He also felt extremely powerless because he doesn't know how to handle people who feel hurt or sad.
I hope this wasn't too hard to read! And I hope you still enjoyed it (don't worry she didn't completely loose it, she will be back to normal it's just a nervous breakdown.)
Also hiiii to all the new people who are upvoting the story and commenting! Thank you for your support and thank you to all of you who never fail to make me smile with your comments xx 6k guys!!! Already