I just finished reading Midnight Sun, the new Twilight book, and it was so good!
Question: Do you like Twilight? If so, which is your favorite movie? Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?
I'm Team Edward ;)
BTW, brace yourself.
Chapter Fourteen: "Now I have no one."
I was never afraid of dying. It was never a constant worry for me. I didn't walk around thinking "this could make me die". I didn't stop myself from doing something I wanted to do just because it was a risk. Life is all about risks.
But one thing that I was always afraid of was losing a person without telling them everything I wanted to. Like if I had a crush, I would be worried that if I never told the person that I liked him and then he dies and he would never know how I felt about him. Sure I've never liked anyone that much to tell him, but it was always a fear of mine.
But my biggest fear of all was losing someone I was close to. Especially my mom.
Whenever she would be away for a while and never texted or called me, I would get scared that something happened to her but I always knew, somehow, she would come home to me.
So when Brenda told me that my mom was coming here to surprise me at my competition and her plane crashed and there were no survivors, I couldn't process it.
When Brenda pulled me over to the bench to sit down, I couldn't process what she was saying.
The second she said that my mom died, it was like my body shut down.
I couldn't think.
I couldn't hear.
I couldn't speak.
I couldn't feel.
Everything felt numb.
At first, I didn't believe her, but I knew she was telling the truth. I could see it in her eyes. I could see it in everybody's eyes.
But I didn't cry. I just sat there looking at the ground.
Eventually, someone helped me up and into the car.
I didn't listen to music. I didn't do anything the whole ride home. I just sat there, feeling numb.
Now, as I sit on the roof outside of my window, headphones on and music blasting, I start to feel something.
Not emotionally but physically.
I reach my hand up and touch my cheek. I come in contact with something wet on my face.
Tears.
I break down. The tears keep coming. I try to stop them but I can't. I bury my face in my hands. I start sobbing.
And there is only one question going through my head.
Why?
~*~
"I brought you a sandwich if you're hungry?" Liv asks, sitting next to me on my bed.
I shake my head, turning onto my side and wrapping the blanket around myself even tighter.
It's been a day since Brenda told me what happened. I've been in bed the whole time. I barely talked to anyone. I've barely eaten.
Riley and Liv have been here the whole time.
Other people would stop in to check on me, but it's still like I'm numb.
I think I cried out all my tears last night because I didn't cry yet today.
"You should eat," Riley comments, "You haven't eaten all day."
I shake my head no, "I'm not hungry."
All of a sudden my door opens and Max walks in.
"Riley. Liv. Can I talk to you guys out in the hall for a minute?" He asks.
Riley and Liv both get up and leave the room.
"Did you talk to your mom?" Liv asks, her voice muffled through the door.
"Yeah. Her mom put down my parents as her next legal guardians if anything were to happen to her. So she's going to be staying here," Max explains to them.
"Okay," I hear Riley say, sighing.
"I'm glad she'll be in good hands," Liv says.
"Yeah. What about the dad?" Max asks.
Liv and Riley pause.
"Um. Let's just say he's not in the picture," Liv says.
I guess you could say that.
"Oh. I'm going to go check on her," Max replies.
My door opens and Max walks back in. He closes the door behind him.
"You really should eat," He comments, sitting next to me in my bed.
I shake my head no, not knowing if he's looking at me because I'm not facing him.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
I shake my head no.
I feel tears forming in my eyes again, so I sit up and face him.
"It's not fair," I say, getting choked up.
His eyes turn sad, "I know."
He wraps his arms around me and I wrap my arms around his neck and cry into his shoulder.
"She was all I had. She was my best friend. Now I have no one," I cry.
"Don't say that. You have my family. You have Liv and Riley and Jordan. You have me. We'll always be there for you."
He continues to rub my back as I cry.
I pull away from him after a while.
"Can you sing to me?" I ask.
He gives me a kind but sad smile, "Of course."
He leaves the room and comes back with his guitar and he sits back down next to me on my bed as he starts to sing.
"It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
You're not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all (finds us all)
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it
'Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't."
~*~
It's been a week since my mom died and I haven't left my room the entire time.
People brought me food and water, but I barely ate or drank.
Liv and Riley stayed all week, but they had to leave this morning because their parents wanted them home even though they are coming back tomorrow for the funeral.
I'm having a funeral for my mom.
If you asked me a month ago if I ever thought I would be having a funeral for my mom so soon, I would think you are crazy.
Jordan visited me, too. Almost every day but I still just didn't have the energy to really talk to anyone.
I didn't have the energy to do anything besides lay in bed. I spent my nights lying awake, thinking of my mom. Most of the time crying.
All my thoughts are clouded with memories of my mom. Good and bad even though there are barely any bad memories.
I pick up my phone from my bed and scroll through the photo album I made on my phone. These past few days I've been going through and finding every single photo and video of my mom and put them in the album.
My eyes tear up when I fall upon the last picture we ever took together.
It was just a simple selfie at a park we went to a week before she left for Hawaii.
I just can't believe she's gone.
All of a sudden, I start to get angry.
I get mad at the fact that her boss made her take that job.
I get mad at the fact that the plane crashed.
I get mad at the pilot of the plane for putting my mom's life and everyone else's in danger.
I get mad at the world for taking away my best friend.
I get mad at the fact that I never got to say goodbye.
I get a sudden motivation to break something, so I pick up the picture frame of my mom and me on my nightstand and chuck it across the room.
It shatters against the wall and I stand up and walk over to it.
There is glass everywhere so I start to pick it up with my bare hands as I break down again and sob.
The glass starts to cut my hands but I don't care anymore.
But the pain in my hands helps distract me. It distracts me from the constant pain I feel in my chest.
My door bursts open, and Max and Cody walk in.
"We heard a crash," Cody comments.
"Are you okay?" Max asks.
I shake my head.
They both pull me away from the mess I made and I sob in Cody's chest.
"Let's get you cleaned up," Cody pulls me up and takes me into the bathroom.
He sits me on the toilet and Max walks in as well with a cloth in his hands.
Cody leaves the bathroom and I hear him clean up the glass on the floor.
Max bends down in front of me and gently takes my hands in his. He uses tweezers to remove the glass shards from my palms.
"Sorry if it hurts," He says, giving me a sad look.
I look him in the eyes, "It's okay." My voice comes out raspy.
Once he gets all the glass out of my hands, he wraps them in a bandage.
"All clean," He tells me.
I give him a small smile.
He stands up and leaves the bathroom and I take a moment to look in the mirror. I don't recognize the person staring back at me. This girl looks thin and pale, which bloodshot and puffy eyes, no emotion showing through.
I take a breath and walk out of the bathroom. Cody is finishing up cleaning the floor.
"Can I ask what happened?" Cody asks, glancing at me.
I look down at the floor, "I got angry."
He walks over to me, places his hand on my arm, and says, "If you need to talk I'm here."
I nod at him.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Max asks.
I nod again.
Cody and Max sit down on my couch with me, me in the middle.
"What movie?" Cody asks.
I shrug.
"How about Escape Room?" Max suggests.
"Sure," I respond.
Ryan and Kenzie end up joining us for the movie.
When the movie is over I decide to tell them, "Thanks for being there for me guys. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to right now and I'm not myself, but I really appreciate you guys."
"Of course," Cody says.
"We love you, P," Kenzie hugs me.
I blink away my tears as everyone hugs me.
"We'll let you relax," Max says as everyone leaves my room.
My mom dying is the worst thing to ever happen to me, but I'm grateful for the people around me that are there for me.
If I ever start to feel myself again, I have to show them my gratitude towards them.
It's not easy now, but I do believe that it will get easier eventually.
Until then, I have to remember that my mom is always with me and watching over me.
***********************************************************************************************
At the top is Bethany Joy Lenz who portrays Rebecca Smith, Peyton's mom! Also is the song I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts which is the song Max sings to Peyton!
I told you to brace yourself. Did you guys think that would happen? What did you think the accident was? Did you expect her mom to die?
Don't be a shy reader, tell me what you think!
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