"Why are you doing this?! Where are we going?!" Selena shouted at me as soon as I hung up the phone.
I reflected on how this all must appear to her. I'd just killed both of the people Grabenstein had sent to get her and now we were on the run. The truth of course, was that I didn't know where we were going, just that we had to go somewhere else.
"I already told you, we couldn't stay at my house. And why? Because which would you rather do? Go back to playing prisoner in some basement, or be able to be free?"
She was in hysterics and hyperventilating. "Is this FREE? Killing people and unable to stay in one place?! Cause if that's what it is, I think I'd rather be a prisoner."
I knew she didn't mean what she said, she was probably just completely lost right now, and I couldn't really blame her if she was. Still though, she needed to understand that I wasn't messing around.
I stepped on the brake and swerved the car off to the side of the road suddenly.
"Okay then! You want to go back there?! We haven't driven that far, you can probably still catch some of the other people Grabenstein sent for you and get kidnapped again if you hurry!" I yelled.
She shook her head violently. "No! No... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just..." She trailed off. "So lost right now."
I put my foot down on the accelerator once more and pulled back onto the road.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for all of this. You just really..." I tried to search for the right words in this situation. "...you just have to trust me on this, okay?"
She made no kind of movement to signify that she'd heard me.
"Okay?" I reemphasized.
She shook her head. "I just don't... I don't see why you had to kill those guys. I think you could have just hurt them instead."
"I'm sorry for that, too. I was trying to protect you. It was my first instinct to eliminate them. It was the easiest way to ensure they didn't hurt you." I tried to explain myself as best I could.
"I know... I know... I understand. I mean I don't but..." She cut herself off. "Look at me, I'm asking you to apologize for saving my life when I should be thanking you. I'M sorry."
Man, I'd really fucked up on this whole 'new me' thing I had resolved to do for Selena last night when I'd been drinking. Leaving this life behind? This life of killing and senseless violence all for a pay check? And what had I done the very next morning? Kill two people within twenty minutes. Smooth.
I shook my head. "You shouldn't have to thank me for anything. I got you into this, and I feel like I have to get you out. That's all."
"But why? I'm sorry for asking again, I just don't understand. Why save me, why go through all of this when you could have just left me for him?"
Of course the reason I hadn't answered before was because I didn't know how to answer it. I could answer it in my head, but it just sounded crazy to say out loud. Sooner or later I'd have to figure out a way to say it.
"Because that's not what you deserve." I settled on, for now.
It seemed to satisfy her, for the time being anyway.
I decided to settle down somewhere for a bit, just to get my head clear and formulate a plan. I chose a sparsely populated parking lot for a hiking trail just outside of the city.
It was interesting that Selena didn't even ask why we were stopping. She was just going along with whatever I did.
After a time of just sitting there in the lot, she finally spoke.
"Is this where we are going to hide out... or whatever it is we are doing?"
"For a little bit. I just can't think straight while I'm driving. I hope you don't mind." I answered.
"Of course not. I... I trust you. I really do."
It felt nice to hear the words from her, albeit with some hesitance.
I noticed she seemed a bit nervous to look at me when she spoke. I guess I couldn't entirely blame her, since she'd seen me kill three different people in the past day.
"Are they gonna find us here?" She asked, darting her eyes towards me and then back straight forward, refusing to turn her head.
"I don't think so. I don't plan on staying here for very long anyway. I just have to figure out a safe place for us to go from here."
I saw her smirk. "I figure any place is pretty safe with you around."
THAT was definitely nice to hear.
"Well thank you. I try..." I smiled back at her.
There was a brief moment when we made eye contact after I said this, and she didn't immediately avert her eyes from mine.
When she realized this, she returned her gaze forward.
I would give anything to know what was going on inside of her head right now. Was she just scared to admit she might be afraid of me and that was why she was saying these things? Or did she really mean them?
More importantly, why did it MATTER to me if she meant them or not? I'd like to say I was able to put on my professional demeanor and remain unaffected, but it was a lie.
It DID matter to me. I liked how she had looked at me just now, if even for a quick moment.
"You know what's funny?" She said, chuckling a little.
"Hmm?"
"You're the best friend I've ever had. Isn't that horrible?"
"Why is that horrible?"
"You know... c'mon... the last few days? Holding me prisoner and all that."
"Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry for that."
Now she turned her body in the passenger seat and sat on one of her legs, looking at me. "I'm glad I'm not on your bad side anymore."
I shook my head. "You never were on my bad side. You weren't on any kind of side. But now you are definitely on my good side."
"Well I'm thankful for that, seeing what you are capable of... Feels kind of like being friends with a superhero or something." She paused. "Well y'know... one that's really good at killing people..?"
I laughed at this. "Thank you, point taken, Selena."
Man, she was making me soft. But it wasn't a bad thing, I kept telling myself. This is how normal people are. That's what you want to go back to being, right? So this is a good thing.
"And one that thinks I'm pretty." She continued. "I actually kind of feel like the damsel in distress, honestly. You're the one doing all the heroics and stuff and I'm just kinda helpless."
"You're not helpless, don't say that. You've helped me quite a lot, actually."
She folded her arms and rolled her eyes. "Oh really..."
"You've made me question a lot about myself, and it's a good thing. You very well might be responsible for changing me." I admitted, accidentally.
"Changing you? What do you mean?"
"Well, we'll see what happens."
"Huh?"
"I figured out where we can go, in the meantime." I cut off the conversation.
"Oh. Well alright then. Does that mean we are leaving from here? That didn't last that long..." She seemed kind of disappointed for some reason I couldn't place.
"Yeah, we are. So buckle up."
"A month or two at most." I said into the phone.
"Mi casa es su casa." The voice on the other end of the line answered. I only knew him by his last name, Reverend, but I called him Rev.
"Thanks, Rev, I really appreciate it." I looked around outside the house on the porch. "You didn't happen to leave a spare key anywhere did you?"
"You know me, sheila. Of course not. Did you forget how to pick a lock or something? Have things gotten that bad?"
"Well I was TRYING to be civilized to begin with..." I trailed off, laughing.
"You? Civilized? Now I KNOW something is off. Are you sure everything is okay?"
I looked at Selena, who was in turn looking at me on the phone.
"Yeah, no. Everything is fine, Rev. It's just this girl with me."
"Ahhh... say no more, say no more. Hopefully she isn't scared off by your... abilities, yeah?"
"She's already seen more than enough of them, she was... part of a contract." I explained to him. It felt weird to be talking about Selena since she was right there.
"You know what? I'm not even gonna ask. I know you know what you're doing. Just... try to keep the place tidy, huh?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not like THAT. I just wanna stage up here for something. She has nowhere to go."
I put my hand over the phone and mouthed 'Sorry' to Selena.
She smiled and batted her hand.
"Civilized AND sympathetic? What did you do with the girl I knew?" He asked.
"Oh, fuck off. Everyone changes eventually, right?"
"Guess you're right about that. The old you would have just broken in without even calling. Come to think of it, yeah... Yeah, this is really unlike you to call and ask permission. I never thought I'd see the day."
"Well, I'm not trying to rack up your phone bill anymore, Rev. When do you think you'll be back around this way, though? I'd love to catch up."
"Hard to say, sheila. I'm rather enjoying Italy at the moment, I might stay here a while. Plus the contracts are GOLD out here, let me tell you. You should-"
I cut him off. "New leaf, Rev. New leaf. Remember?"
"Well, when you get tired of studying plants, you know where I'll be."
I laughed again. "Not THAT kind of leaf- you know what, go fuck yourself."
"There's the girl I know! Glad she's not totally gone. You go fuck yourself too, love. Good luck."
"Hah... alright, bye."
I hung up the phone.
"Who was that, anyway?" Selena asked.
"Just an old friend." I summarized what could have been a very long story. "Good news is, we can use the house."
She looked out at the woods surrounding the house. "Well, I can't even remember how we got here, so I'm pretty sure no one else is gonna find it either."
"I highly doubt they will. This house isn't even registered with an address."
She looked at me wide eyed. "That's... possible?"
I grinned, and began to pick the lock to the front door. "It's slightly illegal."
"I wonder, can you even get charged for breaking and entering to a house that technically doesn't even exist?"
"Let's hope not." I finished picking the lock and opened the door.
The house appeared pretty normal to the untrained eye: simple living room, kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.
"This is even smaller than your house." Selena observed, when we walked in.
"It is..." I closed the door behind us. "...until you look further."
She gave me a confused look.
I chuckled. "Follow me."
I led her into the kitchen, which is where I remembered it being from the last time I had been here. But it had been a while, hopefully Rev hadn't moved it.
"I still see... a kitchen." She said, unimpressed.
"That's a good thing. It's not supposed to be easy to notice." I walked over to the fridge.
"What's not supposed to be easy to notice? What are you talking about... like a secret passage or something? C'mon..." She laughed.
I pulled the switch for the ice maker instead of pushing it, and the fridge turned outwards, revealing a spiral staircase leading down underneath it. "Yes. That is in fact EXACTLY what I'm talking about."
"Oh my god..." She covered her mouth. "I've only seen shit like this in the movies, I can't believe people actually have these."
I started to walk down it. "Coming?"
As we descended, I asked, "How else is an assassin supposed to live? With everything out in the open?"
The staircase eventually gained a steel hand railing as you went down, but it wasn't a long journey until it ended.
I paused and waited for Selena to catch up and stand by my side.
"Now what? It's just darkness. Are we underground or something?" She asked.
"Walk forward." I told her.
"Into the dark? I'm good."
"See, that is most people's natural reaction, isn't it? Not many people are going to walk into straight blackness." I explained. I began walking forward. "However, you'll find that..."
Lights began to turn on sequentially, which sounded like doors being slammed one after other.
"...your curiosity is rewarded."
The floor was made of black marble, and there were racks and racks of guns and blades in pristine condition on the left side of the room, and punching bags, training dummies, weights, and gym equipment on the opposite. In the center there was a black leather couch in front of a TV as well as a minibar filled with alcohol. In the back of the room was a desk with a computer and various other electronics. In the corner closest to the staircase there was a queen sized bed with crimson red satin sheets, which was a stark contrast to the rest of the room.
"Holy shit." Selena whispered, at seeing all of this.
"Rev liked to call this place the Killzone, for obvious reasons." I told her.
She started to wander around, looking at various things. "This is incredible. I've never seen anything like this in my life."
"I personally think it's a little overkill. But it is impressive, I had to give him that the first time I saw it."
"Why don't you have something like this?" She asked, plopping down on the couch in the center.
I folded my arms. "No reason to. It's too extravagant for me. Plus, if I want to go to the gym, I'll go to a regular gym. I don't need my own in my house." I looked at the treadmill next to the weights. "Although, I'll probably hit that treadmill a lot while we are here. Everything else though, nah."
"Makes sense. You don't really need to, you're already plenty strong from what I've seen."
I walked over to the bed and opened the top drawer to the nightstand beside it. Selena came over to see what I was doing. I felt along underneath the top of the stand. There used to be a button... ah! Here it is. I pressed it, and the wall beside the bed opened in both directions, revealing a huge closet.
Selena took it upon herself to go inside.
"I'm not even surprised now." She said, while exploring it. "Hey, you said this was a guy that lived here right?"
"Mhm."
"Why does he have dresses and women's stuff in here then?"
I sprang off the bed and confirmed my suspicion when I looked for myself. These were my clothes when I used to stay here.
"I can't believe these are still here..." I muttered, mostly to myself. But Selena heard me.
"Oh wait. These are yours?" She looked at me.
I nodded. "I don't know why he kept them, but that saves us a trip from having to buy clothes I suppose."
"Maybe he liked you." She offered.
"Yes, he did. Well... we have a complicated history, him and I."
"Ooohhh..." Selena was mesmerized. "So you used to like... date or something?"
"Yes, or something." I answered. I didn't really want to get into all THAT right now.
"But I thought you were... you know..." She prodded.
"Yes. Okay, listen, he is who made me realize I was. End of story?"
She pouted. "I hope not the end forever. I'd love to hear about it someday if you wouldn't mind."
"We'll see." Desperately need to get off this subject. "So this is the secret place, as you can see. Just figured you'd get a kick out of it, maybe."
"Definitely." She smiled. "Your life is so interesting to me. You... are a very interesting person, Capricorn."
"Thank you, I think..." I wasn't sure how to respond. I did like that she had a nickname for me though. It was kinda cute.
We lived as simple of a life as possible for the next week or so. Grabenstein called me a few times, and sent more threatening emails to me, but I knew he would never find me here. Well, maybe never was a stretch, but it would at least be a while before he did.
I started to think about the possibility of just forgetting about him and this whole thing. Did I really have to get involved with him again? I mean I wanted him to pay for putting Selena in this situation, indirectly, although I partly still blamed myself as well. But what if I could just live normal here for a while?
I had left Selena at the house to leave to buy food and necessities for us once or twice. It wasn't that I thought we'd immediately be discovered or something - Grabenstein's influence wasn't THAT big - I just figured if something DID happen, best if it happened only to me without putting her in any danger.
If Selena was still grieving, it wasn't obvious. I'm sure she still was thinking about her father, naturally, but if she still cried I never saw it.
And damned if I could tell she was the slightest bit afraid of me now, the way she acted. She was always asking me to watch movies with her, which would end up in us talking the entire time with the movie as background noise.
We didn't really talk about anything important either, it was all just small talk for the most part. But for the first time, I felt like I was living a normal life. We would do everything together, like common roommates/friends might do in the real world: eat meals together, hang out together... Just things I hadn't done in the company of another person in a long time.
I guess most roommates didn't sleep in the same bed, but she refused to sleep by herself, she said she felt safe with me. I didn't object.
I was becoming quite attached to her, and over time I realized just how alone I had felt for the longest time.
One night however, everything changed. She came out of the bathroom after taking a shower right before going to sleep as usual, and got in bed with me and snuggled up really close.
"Capricorn?"
It was funny because she was literally right next to me, there was no need to say her nickname for me, but I always liked when she did.
"Hmm?"
I was expecting her to say thank you or something, which is what she said all the time: 'Thank you for being here for me, I really appreciate it.'
But that's not what she said.
"I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days. You know how you said before we came here that you just wanted to protect me?"
"Yes?"
"Haven't you ever wanted someone to protect you? I mean, I know you don't need anyone to, but... you might need it someday, y'know?"
I turned to look at her. "What are you referring to?"
"The day those two guys came for me, when you found out there would be more coming, you said 'he's gonna send more than I could handle by myself'. Remember that?"
"What about it?"
"Well that's what I'm talking about. Haven't you ever wished you had someone else to... y'know... help you so you don't HAVE to handle everything by yourself?"
I never expected Selena to say anything like this. I was definitely caught off guard.
"I mean, I guess on some occasions it would be nice. Why are you asking though?"
"Well, what if I could be that person for you? What if I wasn't completely useless in situations like that?" She sat up suddenly, her voice was filled with excitement. "What if you... trained me?"
Definitely wasn't expecting to hear that.
"Selena... it's not that easy. And you don't WANT to do that, trust me. I thought we were doing okay here. Aren't we?" I asked.
"Yeah, we are. I mean, but we're just kinda surviving out here right now. I thought you said you were gonna go back for Grabenstein. Weren't you?"
"Well yes, I WAS..."
She looked disappointed at my answer. "Well I'm saying, I've been thinking about it, and I want to go too." Her tone grew more serious. "I want to make him pay, too."
So this is why she had seemed to be unaffected. She was planning on revenge herself.
"I don't know... I mean, you realize I've had YEARS of training for what I do, right? It's not something you can just learn from one day to the next..." I explained, trying to convince her out of this idea.
"I don't care! However long it takes. I'm not so dumb to think you could teach me in a week. And I know I could never be as good as you, but I could at least be... something, you know? At least be able to handle myself? I'm tired of being the damsel in distress!" She argued.
"You've really thought about this a lot, haven't you..." I trailed off.
"Every single day. I've wanted to ask you for a while, but it was never the right time. I just realized tonight that there never will be a right time. So I'm asking now."
I breathed a heavy sigh.
"I have NOTHING. I have no one to live for anymore, except for you. My only friend. Pleeeassse... Do this for me. Please, Capricorn." She continued. "I'm not asking to be like your partner or something, I know you don't want that and you prefer to work alone, but... just for this. For Grabenstein."
I put my hands over my head and let this all sink in. She wanted me to train her to be a killer? This sweet, innocent girl who could probably do anything if she set her mind to it?
This wasn't the right path to leading a normal life like I wanted. This wasn't a path I wanted anyone to have to take, most especially someone like her.
"That's a pretty large bomb to drop on me before bed, Selena. Let me... let me sleep on it, okay? I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no. And you DEFINITELY need to sleep on it, because I don't think you realize what you're asking to do here. This isn't a one time thing. Once you do something like this, it changes you forever. Are you absolutely positively sure that that's what you want?"
"I HAVE been sleeping on it, and thinking about it all day every day since we came here. I already know my answer. I'm ready. But I can't do it without you, obviously. So please... PLEASE... seriously think about it." I'd never seen her more serious about anything since I'd met her.
"I will think about it." I said.
She tackled me in a hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best!"
I wrapped my arms around her, too.
This is not what I wanted for her. Not in a million years.
But it's not all about me, is it?