chapter fourteen
quick curl barbie
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Isadora Windsor used to like to believe she didn't need anyone. It was an old state of mind which she adopted when she was young, but it stuck with her throughout her teenage years. But that was just it. She liked to believe she didn't need anyone. That didn't mean it was true. Because no matter how many times she tried to tell herself in the past that she'd be better off not caring about the people around her, she did. She cared maybe a little too much. It was caring about others that got her in this mess.
It was a tricky thing . . . pretending not to care. It had almost ripped her at the seams and torn her into pieces of a puzzle she would never learn how to mend. But she was tired of that. Maybe she was having a mid-life crisis way too early, but whatever, she was tired. It sucked trying to be the quick curl Barbie she had always wanted to be. And she didn't want that anymore. She wanted to let herself care. And sure, that was going to be hard, because telling herself she was going to be better for her mother was a lot easier than actually trying to be better. But she had to try. Because she didn't like the person she had become, and she had to do something about it. No one else was going to do it for her.
It was those thoughts that caused her to bask in the sun, the heat pounding down on her until the moon rose, instead of taking Sarah and Kiara up on their offer to smoke with them. Sure, weed wasn't that bad, but it was for Izzy. Weed would lead her down the road to alcohol and cocaine . . . like it had in the past. And she didn't want to be that person anymore. She couldn't. That was the person she knew her mother would be disappointed in. She would. Izzy knew she would.
You have to live for her, Izzy repeated in her head as she observed the stars littering the night sky. And she was. This was how she lived for her mother. This was how she lived for herself.
A heavy sigh escaped Izzy's velvet lips as she tore her eyes from the stars in the sky. She always found the night beautiful. And the stars always had a way of making her feel. They made her feel less alone among other things; it was why she painted her ceiling in her room with a mural of the stars littering the night sky. But she wasn't alone now. Kiara and Sarah were there—two lone stars drifting through the darkness.
Izzy glanced over her shoulder, her eyes quickly landing on Kiara. The Carrera girl was seated on the floor, leaning against the ledge of the boat as she finished off the joint between her fingers. The moon shone down on the girl and illuminated her dark hair, creating a fuzzy glow around the crown of her head. Maybe people are like stars, Izzy thought. Maybe that was all people were in the end . . . stars. And the thing about stars: they roamed the night sky with other stars. No star could exist solely alone for long; it wouldn't make sense to look up into the night sky and see only one star, slowly burning out.
Maybe people were like stars in the sense they weren't meant to be alone. People needed people, no matter how much Izzy Windsor wanted to believe she was better off alone. Because she wasn't.
Then, something odd happened. One second Izzy was staring at Kiara, wondering if people were made solely of stardust, then the next, she was standing to her feet and walking toward the Carrera girl. With a silent sigh, Izzy sat down beside Kiara and leaned against the ledge of the boat. She ignored the quizzical look Kiara shot her, and instead, let her eyes roam across the boat until they finally landed on where Sarah stood.
Sarah stood at the edge of the boat with her arms extended at her sides and her head tilted back so she was staring into the night sky. It was clear she may have gone too hard while smoking. She hadn't ever smoked before (that Izzy knew of), so that night was bound to be full of surprises. She had already tried to dive off the boat, claiming she wanted to see how long she could hold her breath. There was no knowing what she'd do next.
A ghost of a smile tugged at Izzy's lips as she shook her head at her friend. "What's she doing now?" she asked softly, glancing at Kiara for an answer.
Kiara flicked her eyes to Izzy, her gaze hardening. "She said the stars winked at her," she muttered under her breath. "I think she's trying to talk to them." She averted her gaze to the joint between her fingers and brought it to her lips, taking a drag.
"She's never been high a day in her life," Izzy said, pursing her lips. Sometimes she missed being high, but it had only led her into heavier drugs. It just fucked her up too much. Now, she was trying to stay sober, not for the sake of her father's legacy, but for herself. She was trying to choose herself. (Emphasis on the trying.)
Kiara raised her brows in acknowledgment. "I can tell." She put rested the joint in the tin box beside her and sighed.
A lot of things were hazy in Izzy's mind. Sometimes she couldn't pin-point certain events in her life. Everything just felt like a blur in her mind . . . except Kiara. What she had done to the Carrera girl was perhaps the worst thing she had ever done, and she had regretted it for a while now. At first, she tried to convince herself that ditching the only person who had ever understood her, wasn't her fault. She tried to convince herself she did the right thing by cutting Kiara out of her life. But the guilt always seeped through.
Izzy was made of guilt and anger. Her veins flowed with grit and iron and fire. She was not meant to live on silently. Sometimes that got out of hand and she fucked up . . . and she knew she had fucked up with Kiara. She didn't know if that broken bond could ever be mended. She wished she could just rewind time. She would have done everything differently. But time was never on her side. It never had been. It would always be fighting against her, while she desperately tried to outrun it.
"You still have it?" Kiara abruptly asked, tearing Izzy from her intrusive thoughts.
Time stopped as Izzy blinked, then she noticed what Kiara was gesturing to. Her finger was pointing at the stick-and-poke sun tattoo on Izzy's ankle. Kiara has done it for her last year before all this shit happened. Izzy had done one for Kiara, too. She'd given her a stick-and-poke tattoo of the moon. They were meant to be matching tattoos, to symbolize their friendship, but only a few months after they got them done, Izzy ruined it. Still, the blonde never went to get it removed. It meant too much to her to just remove it like it was nothing. Because it did mean something, no matter how much she had tried to deny it.
"I mean it's a tattoo," Izzy finally said, clearing her throat. "It's permanent." She wondered if Kiara had hers removed. The thought made her heart swell in her chest so much that it hurt.
Kiara shrugged. "I figured you'd get it removed."
Izzy released a sigh. "I didn't want to."
Something flashed in Kiara's eyes as her expression softened and her mouth fell slightly agape. She looked as if she wanted to say something . . . like the words playing through her mind were on the tip of her tongue, but they never fell from her lips. She only stared at Izzy, and Izzy stared back at her, searching her brown eyes for something that would ease the ache in her chest. But it never came, instead, the silence suffocating them was broken.
"Hey, guys," Sarah giggled as she swayed toward them, tearing them from their trances. The two of them glanced at the blonde girl, watching as she released a huff and sprawled out beside them. She rested her head against Izzy's shoulder and gave a pleasant sigh.
Izzy raised her brows. "S?"
A small groan of protest escaped Sarah's lips as she shook her head. "No, shush, you're comfy," she mumbled as she wrapped her arms around Izzy's waist and pulled her closer. Her eyes fluttered closed as she nestled her head in the crook of Izzy's neck.
Izzy, who just wasn't good with affection, had no idea what to do. "Uh . . . okay . . . ?" she muttered as she uncomfortably patted Sarah's head, then brought her hand back to her lap.
Sarah abruptly began to laugh. She raised her head and pointed her finger between the two girls. "Okay, um, would you rather have—" she cut herself off with another laugh. "I was just imagining you guys like this just now. It was pretty funny." She curled a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, then pressed her fingertips to her chin. "Would you rather have nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples? Imagine if you get really old and your nipples . . . your boobs get saggy, and your nipples, if they were your eyes, you could see if your shoes were untied."
Kiara rolled her eyes. "Is this like your first time smoking or something?"
Sarah sheepishly glanced down at her hands, shaking her head. "No," she mumbled, biting her lip. "Izzy used to do it all the time and I'd . . . watch."
Kiara scoffed, and rolled her eyes, but she didn't utter her inner thoughts.
Izzy glanced between the two girls, and wondered if the three of them would ever mend the bond they broke. There was a part of her that wanted to, perhaps even needed to. It was the part of her that wanted to change. But there was another part of her that told her she couldn't change. It was the part of her that her father still had control over; the part that craved validation. She shook her head and sighed. "I think you need some sleep," she said to Sarah, gently nudging her arm.
Sarah shook her head. "No, not yet," she protested, whining slightly. She swallowed, hard before her eyes snapped back to the Carrera girl. "Hey, Kiara—"
"Oh, my God," Kiara snapped, cutting her off, "enough of the 'Hey Kiara' bullshit!" She shook her head and glanced between the two blondes. She gave a sigh a second later. "Why did you guys do it?"
As those words left her lips, Izzy's heart plummeted in her chest. Or maybe it had stopped. She swore it did. And the ache in her chest made her want to speak the words that had been trapped in her mind since the day she abandoned Kiara, and turned to money to buy her happiness. But the words never spilled from her lips. They stayed stuck, wrapped around her tongue as she stared at the girl she had once called her best friend.
"Why did we do what?" Sarah asked, shaking her head as she shrugged her shoulders. She seemed to have sobered up now.
Kiara scoffed. "We were best friends. All of us," she muttered. "We stole beers from your—" she gestured to Sarah— "dad's fridge. We watched movies together. We cried about boys. " Her eyes flicked to Izzy, and time seemed to halt. "Izzy, we used to put on fashion shows in your mom's clothes. And then the next thing I know, I'm watching you guys at Sarah's birthday party on Instagram."
A scoff escaped Sarah's lips as she shook her head. "It was one party."
"You invited everybody except me," Kiara spat, her voice hostile and brittle. "And then you told everybody I was the reason that the party got busted."
"Okay, well, who else would have called the cops?" Sarah asked.
"You never asked," Kiara countered. "You just let the rumor go that I was a rat." She wet her lips and shook her head, glancing between the two. When her eyes landed on Izzy, she scoffed. "You guys were my best friends and then you ghosted me, and I don't even know why. I mean, really, what did I do?"
Sarah squeezed her eyes shut then sighed. "You liked me," she whispered, her voice almost inaudible.
Kiara furrowed her brows. "What?"
"When people get close to me, I feel trapped and I bail. And then I blame them for it. I did it to you," Sarah confessed slowly. Her eyes snapped to Izzy, and her expression softened. "I did it to you too, Iz. But then your mom died and I just couldn't leave you. My mom's not in the picture, and I know how much that sucks. And I didn't want to leave you. I know you think I only stuck around because of that, but you're wrong. I stuck around because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated." She sheepishly glanced away and averted her gaze to her hands, picking at her nail polish. "I'm really sorry to both of you, but mostly to you, Kie, because . . . because I didn't stay. I abandoned you, and I'm sorry about that."
Kiara glanced away. Tears glossed her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. "And you, Iz?" she finally spoke as she locked eyes with the Windsor girl. "Do you feel the same?"
Izzy only stared at her. She hadn't said a word the whole time. She didn't know if she could. And even if she did, she wasn't sure if she could find the right words. There weren't any words to explain how Izzy felt anyway. She just felt too much. It was always just too much. "I don't think you want to know why I did it, Kiara," was what she muttered instead of spilling the truth.
"Actually, I do," Kiara muttered. Her voice was beginning to waver now. "Sarah was a bitch, but you . . . you made me feel like I was nothing. You looked at me as if I was some stranger . . . as if we didn't spend hours together pretending to be models in your mom's clothes. You made me feel like I didn't even exist. I felt worthless . . . and I don't even know what I did." A lone tear slipped down her cheek, but she quickly wiped it away.
Izzy blinked. Her eyes had begun to burn. "You didn't do anything," she mumbled, hoping the girl would just take that as an answer and give up. It wasn't that Izzy didn't want to make up. She did. She wanted Kiara back, but that would require telling the truth, and when she spoke about how she felt, she just felt like she was being overdramatic.
But Kiara didn't let up. "Clearly I did something to you to make you hate me this much," she spat, her voice shaking as the words tumbled from her lips. She wasn't crying, but she was close.
"Kie—"
"No, don't do that!" Kiara cut her off. She shook her head and laughed, but it sounded strained. "After your mom, you started looking at me like I wasn't even there. And when I asked you about it . . . you told me that we were never friends and the only reason you hung out with me was because you felt sorry for me. You said I was a charity case." Her words fell short as she closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks. She breathed out slowly, then fluttered open her eyes. "So is that true? Or did you write me out of your life because I was making you feel claustrophobic or—or overwhelmed? I just want to know why, because if it's not that then I don't know what it could be."
Izzy squeezed her eyes shut as the memories from her past resurfaced in her brain. She had tried for so long to bury the memories along with her mother, but it never worked completely. Those memories were her true ghosts, haunting her and reminded her of the person she had become. She remembered the things she had said to Kiara; they taunted her every time she saw the girl, reminding her she was a shitty person with a shitty personality. She was hollow, and now, she was trying to be whole, but it was so fucking hard. That version of herself that she hated hadn't left, not completely. It was still there, preventing her from letting everything go. She wondered how much longer she would have to tolerate her own personal vices before she finally learned to cut them off.
And then . . . she wasn't wondering anymore.
"My mom died and it felt like the world ended," Izzy confessed slowly. Her voice was quiet, soft even. It didn't sound like her. She didn't know how to interpret that. "When my mom was alive it didn't matter to me that my dad was always away because I had her. But then she died, and I didn't have her anymore. I didn't have anyone."
Kiara roamed her eyes over the blonde, her expression softening. "You had me."
Izzy shook her head. "Being around you made me feel like shit," she muttered. Her words left a bitter taste on her tongue, but she still didn't stop . . . even when her eyes began to prick with hot tears. "I get that's on me, but when I'd look at you, I'd see all the things I didn't have." It was then she was reminded that pretty girls didn't cry, but she was so tired of that. She wished she could cut that part of her out, and burn it.
Kiara furrowed her brows. "But you have everything . . . ?"
A part of Izzy knew Kiara was right. She did have everything she could ever want, probably even more than she could handle. She was beyond rich, so she shouldn't have been this sad. And, yeah, she knew rich people weren't allowed to be sad, but she was. She was only realizing now that she always had been.
"I didn't have my mom . . . and I never had my dad," Izzy whispered. A lump formed in her throat, preventing her from catching her breath. She cleared her throat, but the lump persisted. Fuck. She didn't want to cry. "You still had your mom and your dad and they loved you . . . they still do. So when I'd come over to The Wreck, I'd see you guys laughing and acting like a family, and I couldn't take it. I never had a family. I just had my mom, but she was gone, too. And I know that's not an excuse but . . . "
"Why didn't you tell me?" Kiara asked, her voice softer now.
Izzy shrugged. "Because I was jealous," she mumbled. "I was so jealous that looking at you get everything I wanted made me so angry. I couldn't stand to be around you because you reminded me of the fact that I would never have a family . . . so I pushed you away."
Kiara didn't respond, she only stared at her with glossy eyes.
"We could have been your family," Sarah chimed in, her voice like silk. She grabbed Izzy's hand and interlocked their fingers together.
Izzy almost laughed. It wasn't that she found any of this funny. She didn't know why she wanted to laugh. Maybe she just couldn't believe Sarah, because she had spent so long thinking no one gave a shit about her. She wanted to believe people cared, but she just couldn't. She always felt like everyone was lying to her, letting her believe that she mattered when she actually didn't. Because when you grow up with a father who treats you more like an accessory than a human being, you start to believe you don't have any worth.
But this wasn't about her. She had made Kiara feel how she had felt her entire life and she would never wish that upon anyone. This was about Kiara. This was about what a shit person Izzy had been to her.
"But, whatever," Izzy muttered, inhaling sharply. "That doesn't matter. What matters is that—" she flicked her eyes back to Kiara— "I'm sorry."
Kiara blinked. "Doesn't feel like it."
"No, honestly, I'm sorry," Izzy said, her words true. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I wouldn't . . . but I am sorry. I hurt you. I made you feel like shit because you had a mom. I mean that's such a shitty thing to do. I shouldn't have pushed you away because your mom was alive and mine happened to be dead." She sighed and rested her hand on Kiara's knee. Kiara locked eyes with her, her expression softening. "I was a bitch and I'm sorry. You don't have to forgive me, but I need you to know that I feel awful about what I did to you. I didn't realize I hurt you that much but I did and I'm so sorry for being a massive cunt."
The corners of Kiara's lips twitched into a smile, and then she laughed. "You are a cunt," she said once her laughter died down. "You both are, and so am I . . . but . . . well . . . I don't know." Her smile soon began to fall, morphing into a frown. "Whatever. Forget about it."
"No, Kie, we're both really sorry . . . and I miss you," Sarah abruptly said as she glanced between the two girls. Her eyes locked on Kiara and she bit her lip before she released a sigh. "Do you think there's a chance we could all be okay again?"
Kiara pursed her lips. "Honestly, I don't know."
Dread coursed through Izzy, poisoning her bloodstream as those three words repeated in her head. The silence consumed them, the only sound coming from the crickets singing their tunes. But Izzy couldn't hear them. Her head was screaming. I don't know, she repeated Kiara's words over and over again, trying to ease them into her mind, but nothing worked. Those three words had struck her, and left her feeling hopeless.
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Isadora Windsor used to like to believe she didn't need anyone. It was an old state of mind which she adopted when she was young, and had followed her throughout her teenage years. But she didn't like to believe that anymore. Believing in that bullshit had only poisoned her mind, forcing her to mask her emotions. It was the same bullshit that made her believe being perfect . . . being the quick curl Barbie that people expected her to be, was all she would ever be good for. But there was more to her than that. There was more to her than the bleached-blonde hair and ideal body. There had to be.
But it wasn't something she could just change overnight. It wasn't like she could snap her fingers and suddenly all her problems would disintegrate. People would still expect her to be the best version of herself . . . even if their best didn't match hers.
It wasn't like she expected anything else either. From the very first moment, she came into the world, kicking and screaming, people had already crafted an image for her to uphold.
When she was eight, her aunt told her no boy would ever love her if she didn't dress like a girl. If she didn't wear makeup, she was seen as ugly and bland. But if she wore too much, she was seen as a slut or an attention whore. Their words . . . their offhand comments about her body had been shoved down her throat and cemented into her brain. They made her believe other people (specifically men) determined her worth, but Izzy thought that was bullshit.
If she truly became who they wanted her to be, she'd look in the mirror one day and not be able to recognize herself. Sure, everyone around her would adore the reflection, but she'd despise it. She just wanted to be real again. She would have done anything to feel real again.
But it wasn't that easy.
It was a very difficult time to be a real person, instead of a collection of the personality traits that had been shoved down her throat. She was tired of picking which mask she wanted to wear each day, but there was still this voice in the back of her head, preventing her from being real again. The voice kept whispering in her ear that pretty girls didn't cry. It was the same voice that forced her to believe if she didn't have the perfect body, she'd be ugly. It was the voice that had always made her feel . . . less.
So Izzy was just confused. She was so confused she thought she might scream. She wanted to. Even her veins were boiling with magma, leaving her to wonder what would happen if she pricked her finger, and let the blood flow. Would her blood set the world on fire?
There was only one thing she knew for certain: she was confused and angry. She was always angry, and she was beginning to feel hopeless. She thought agreeing to join JJ and his friends in this wild goose chase would give her some kind of sign, but now she was severely doubting herself. Maybe she shouldn't have trusted the universe so much. Sure, maybe she'd gotten the chance to apologize to Kiara for all the shitty things she did to her, but Izzy was sure she'd never forgive her. Izzy didn't even blame her.
But Izzy didn't want to revert back to her old self, and become her father's puppet. She didn't want that. It'd kill her . . . and she wanted to live. She was sure if she didn't let herself breathe, she'd be lost forever. But it was hard to breathe, especially when she always felt like she was suffocating.
She still felt like she couldn't breathe as the night droned on. The sky was darker now, casting a blanket of darkness across the Outer Banks. It had been a couple hours since Izzy and Sarah apologized to Kiara, so it was probably around one or two in the morning, but that didn't matter . . . Izzy still couldn't sleep. The other girls had shut their eyes and settled down for the night, but Izzy was wide awake, burning alive from the inside out.
Her head was pounding and the voices telling her she would never be enough kept screaming in her ears and breathing down her neck. She didn't know what to do, but she was sure she'd burst into tears if she did nothing. So she did the only thing she knew would switch her mind on autopilot. She rose to her feet and walked to the deck, then lied down on the floor and stared at the stars.
The stars always had a way of silencing her issues . . . maybe they would extinguish the fire burning inside of her.
And for a second, she did feel better. Like all her problems were just as insignificant as she felt. Because they weren't that bad on the grand scheme of things. Sometimes she felt selfish for feeling the way she did. No, scratch that, she always felt selfish.
It was such a joke. Izzy Windsor knew she had literally everything she could ever want and she still felt so . . . meh. No wonder people hated her. Most of the time she hated herself, too.
"Hey," someone said from behind her, breaking her out of her trance, but she didn't move to see who had approached her. "I saw you get up." The person sighed and sat down beside Izzy, laying down to stare at the stars as well. And then it was silent once again.
Only then, with the silence screaming in her ears, did Izzy angle her head to see which one of the girls had laid down beside her. Her eyes trailed over the girl's dark skin, then slowly inched up, until she locked eyes with her, realizing it was Kiara who was lying beside her. Izzy's heart swelled in her chest. It left an indescribable ache every time it beat.
"Hey . . . ?" Izzy breathed, her voice soft and warm like a tear on a cheek.
Kiara studied her face for a few seconds before she breathed out a soft sigh. "What are you doing over here?" she asked, pursing her lips.
Izzy shrugged. "Staring at the stars," she muttered as she flicked her eyes back to the night sky. The stars winked back at her and she smiled. "They make me feel . . . "
"Safe?" Kiara finished for her. "Yeah . . . me too."
"Yeah," was all Izzy said. It was all she could say. People loved talking, but Izzy had never been much of a talker. She always carried an inner monologue without ever letting her true thoughts spill from her lips. She just could never find the right words, and she didn't want to ruin this moment because she said the wrong thing.
Instead, Izzy let the silence consume them. But this wasn't the type of silence that wrapped its cold hands around her throat, slowly suffocating her without actually killing her. No, this silence was warm. Like in the summer when it rained. This silence was like standing in the rain, feeling the drops caress your cheeks, leaving you warm. It was warm like a raindrop on a cheek. Izzy would have let it swallow her whole.
"When you left it felt like the world was caving in," Kiara suddenly whispered, breaking the silence, but the warmth stayed. The warmth came from her voice, wrapping around her words and floating through the air like a summer breeze. "Losing Sarah was one thing, but losing you was just shit."
And then Izzy's heart was swelling in her chest like a balloon. She wondered if it'd pop . . . and then she wondered if it did explode and you slit her at the sternum if it'd slide out and smack the floor, splattering blood in the process. "Kie . . . " was all she could mutter as she forced those morbid thoughts away and shifted her eyes to Kiara's face.
Kiara only shook her head. "No, look, I know this isn't the right time, but I need you to listen . . . okay?" she asked, her voice beginning to shake. She cleared her throat and snapped her brown eyes to meet Izzy's green ones.
Izzy wet her lips. "Okay."
Kiara nodded once before she averted her gaze to the night sky and sighed. "In astrology, there's this thing called a twin flame," she began. "The majority of the time you only get one. Sometimes there's a rare case where you have two but most people just have one. Just one shot at finding their person. It doesn't even have to be romantic or anything either . . . your twin flame is someone whose soul matches yours. They're the one person that gets you no matter what." Her eyes, now glossed over with tears, flicked back to meet Izzy's gaze. "And when I met you, it was like it just clicked. I thought 'This is it. I found my person.' but then you left me behind . . . and it felt like the world was ending."
Izzy couldn't breathe again. She wanted to cry. She just wanted to cry, but the voice in the back of her head warned her not to. "I'm sorry," she mumbled before she inhaled sharply and reached for Kiara's hand, intertwining their fingers together. "You will always have me. No matter what it's you and me. Even if it's four in the morning . . . if you need me, you call me. You call me and I'll be there. I promise you I will never leave again."
Kiara nodded and squeezed the hand intertwined with hers. "Promise me you won't leave JJ either," she muttered after a moment of silence.
Izzy furrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"
Kiara searched her eyes, then released a sigh. "He cares about you," she said, her voice soft. "He always has."
That almost made Izzy laugh. It wasn't that it was funny . . . it was just like . . . what the fuck? "JJ used to hate my guts," she began, with her heart heavy. "Now we're sort of friends as much as it pains me to admit."
"You can't be that dense," Kiara scoffed. "I remember you being smarter than that."
"Kie—"
But Kiara cut her off. "Iz, he has always cared about you," she said, her voice a little louder now. "He talks about you all the time. He literally won't shut up. Even before this summer, he brought you up so much I wanted to kill him." A sigh escaped her lips and she closed her eyes, before they fluttered open a second later and locked on Izzy. "He watches your website, too. I mean he didn't want anyone to know but I found him just watching you review music off some album. He was just sitting there on his phone while you talked and he looked . . . happy."
What? That made Izzy's heart pound in her chest, constricting against the twine. She wondered if the string would tear her heart if it pounded any faster. But she didn't dare voice that aloud. "Now why the fuck would he do that?" she asked, her voice hostile. She wasn't angry. She was just confused. She was always confused lately.
Kiara only shot her a look. "Why do you think?"
That only confused Izzy more. "You tell me," she muttered. This didn't make any sense. As far as she knew JJ looked at her as a friend. That was all.
A second passed before Kiara wet her lips and began, "He denied it for a while, but I finally got him to admit that he did watch your videos and . . . " She cut herself off, seemingly thinking about her words. Then she gave a sigh and continued. "He said he wanted to make sure you were all right. This was after your mom, okay? He said he thought you were sad like really sad. He wanted to make sure you wouldn't do anything."
"I wasn't sad. I'm not sad," Izzy blurted out before she could think carefully. It was a subconscious response; it was a defense she had ingrained into her brain since she was young. She couldn't help it. Every time someone asked if she was okay, she'd respond with 'yeah, totally!' because she wasn't supposed to be sad. She wasn't supposed to feel that way, but she did.
Kiara's eyes softened. "Iz, it's okay to be sad," she whispered as she squeezed Izzy's hand. "You lost your mom. It's okay to be upset about that."
But it wasn't okay. It was never okay. Izzy was just now realizing that, and she felt as if she were about to explode. She was a bomb, itching to detonate. The tears pricking her eyes were proof of that notion. "It doesn't feel like that," she muttered, her voice coming out in breaths. "It feels wrong."
Kiara furrowed her brows. "Why?"
"Because I'm rich, Kie," Izzy spewed out. She didn't know what she was saying . . . she didn't care. She just let her mind take control, letting her emotions spill. "There are so many people in the world who are suffering. Some of them have lost everyone. And I have so much money. I have so much privilege and all I can think about is how much my life sucks. That's fucked. I don't get to be sad because I have so many things that would make anyone else appreciate their lives." She shook her head as the tears spilled over her cheeks. Fuck. Of course, she was crying. "And I'm trying to change. I want to be better. I do. But every time I think things could be turning around, I get in my own way. I ruin everything for myself. So I don't get to be sad, because I'm me."
"None of that means that you don't get to mourn. She was your mom. She was special," Kiara whispered, her voice like silk. "You get to be sad, Iz, because your mom died. It doesn't matter how much money you have, you still lost someone you loved. Obviously, that's going to hurt. Just let people help you."
"But what if I let you and JJ and the others in and then you leave?" Izzy asked. She didn't know what she was saying anymore. Her mind was on autopilot. "Anytime I open up to someone, they walk out of my life, or they die. They always leave. Everyone always leaves, and I want to be okay with that, but it hurts so fucking much when the people you let yourself care about just decide they don't want you anymore." Sobs wracked through her body, making her feel small. She wondered if her feelings would swallow her whole. "And I know I did that to you and I'm so sorry. Oh, god I'm so fucking sorry I made you feel like that. I don't ever want anyone to feel like this. I'm sorry."
Kiara shook her head. "I forgive you," she mumbled. And she did. It was clear she did by the tone of her voice. "I missed you so much, you stupid bitch." She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Izzy, letting the girl silently sob into her shoulder. "Just let people care, okay?"
Just let people care, her voice rang in Izzy's ears . . . and then she listened. She wrapped her arms around Kiara, engulfing her in a tight embrace. "I missed you, too," she mumbled, smiling slightly. "That's why I never got the tattoo lasered off. I didn't want to forget you."
Kiara smiled. "I didn't either," she whispered. "I still have it."
A few minutes passed as the silence wrapped them in a warm embrace, before they pulled away from each other. Izzy quickly dried her tears, already feeling stupid about crying, while Kiara stared at the stars. Izzy wanted to say something, anything. She thought about thanking her, but that just seemed weird. 'Thank you for letting me use you as a human tissue.' Yeah, okay, she might as well have just burst into tears again . . . that was how stupid her idea sounded. So, instead, she just stayed quiet.
"You're wrong, you know?" Kiara finally muttered after another minute. "I would never leave you. JJ wouldn't either." She shifted her gaze back to Izzy, finding she was already staring at her in shock. "He cares about you. He's the one who cleaned all the lockers when Amelia wrote those . . . things."
Izzy sent her a blank look, but the twine still tightened around her heart, making her wince. She thought about Kiara's confession for a second. You see, last year after Izzy broke Amelia Wright's nose, the girl retaliated by spray painting 'Izzy Windsor is a slut' all over the lockers in the main hall. She and probably other girls then began writing that same shit in the girls' bathrooms. Pretty soon, everyone began looking at Izzy as if she was a walking disease. Not to mention all the times they would call her a freak or a basket case.
And all that shit they said about her stuck. If it weren't for Sarah being her friend, she probably would have been an outcast walking the halls of the Academy. But even being her friend didn't stop them from calling her all that shit. So, Izzy did the only thing she knew how to do. She had come to school a couple days later, wearing a shirt with the word 'slut' painted across it. Granted that got her in trouble with the headmaster, but it was worth it. Until it wasn't. Her father had a field day with that outburst, and pretty soon, Izzy was forced to just ignore the names they'd call her. She had learned to ignore them, no matter how many times they pierced her heart.
But, whatever, that wasn't the point. The point was that Kiara claimed JJ had gone to the Academy and washed off the spray paint . . . which was such bullshit. JJ wouldn't have done that. He just wouldn't have. Plus, he didn't even go to their school. There was no way he would have done that. There was just no way.
"Yeah, right," Izzy finally muttered as she rolled her eyes and scoffed. "How would he have done that?"
"I told him about it," Kiara confessed, shrugging slightly. "I told him what they wrote and the things they said about you. So we snuck in after the school closed and we cleaned the lockers and the bathroom stalls."
Izzy furrowed her brows. "Why would he . . . ?"
Kiara sent her a telling look. "You know why."
You know why, the words repeated in Izzy's brain as she tried to decipher the meaning. You know why. Did she? The only plausible reason as to why he would have done that would be that he did actually care about her. And maybe he did. But that didn't mean he would go that far. He wouldn't have cleaned off the lockers just because he cared a little bit about her.
She thought about what Sarah had said earlier. Like you don't see it. Was she right? Had Izzy really not seen what the two girls were trying to tell her? But she couldn't believe that. It didn't make any sense. There was no way JJ did all of that because he . . . liked her . . .
"Just don't ditch him, okay?" Kiara spoke up again, breaking Izzy out of her trance, but the thoughts still lingered. "You did that once and . . . just don't do it again." A sigh escaped her and she bit her lip. "That's why I didn't want him driving you home or involving you in any of this shit . . . because he cares a little too much. And if you ditched him again, it'd . . . it'd just hurt him a lot. So, just don't ditch him, okay? He doesn't let people in easily, but he let you in."
"Okay," was all Izzy could say, because her mind was somewhere else. He cares a little too much. He let you in. You know why. Like you don't see it. Their voices float through her brain, making her wonder if her gut-feeling was the truth.
"You guys are so loud," a new voice infiltrated the silence, causing Izzy and Kiara to sit up to see Sarah approaching them. The Cameron girl was holding three pillows and a large blanket as she slowly slumped toward them. Once she was standing above them, she looked between them, then bit her lip in contemplation. "Um . . . so . . . are we . . . are we cool?"
It was silent for a moment as Izzy glanced at Kiara. The Carrera girl flicked her eyes from Izzy to Sarah, then a warm smile spread across her face. "We're cool, Cameron," she murmured, her voice as sweet as honey.
A wide grin lifted onto Sarah's face, showcasing her dimples. "Thank fuck," she huffed. "Here. Pillows." She threw down the pillows to the girls before she plopped down beside Izzy.
The three girls began situating themselves. Izzy grabbed a pillow and hugged it to her chest while Kiara grabbed another pillow and shoved it behind her head. Sarah did the same before she threw the large blanket over the three of them. She released a sigh and scooted closer to Izzy, resting her cheek on the girl's shoulder. Silence soon consumed them once again as the three of them gazed into the night sky.
"So . . . what are we doing?" Sarah asked, breaking the silence once again.
"Stargazing," Izzy sighed.
Sarah nodded in response, and then it was silent again. And Izzy thought maybe she could get used to the silence if it felt like this. Because now she had Sarah and she got Kiara back and she felt . . . better. She liked feeling better.
"Hey, Sarah . . . Iz," Kiara spoke up, her voice hesitant.
Sarah glanced over at her. "What?"
The corners of Kiara's lips twitched. "I'm sorry I called the cops."
A grin grew on Sarah's face. "I knew it," she said, laughing slightly. "I knew it, you bitch."
Kiara began to laugh as well. "You guys should've invited me," she retorted, her voice light. And that was all it took before laughter consumed them, and the air began to feel easier to breathe.
But Izzy only smiled, her heart too heavy to allow her to laugh. She wanted to, but her mind was somewhere else, preventing her from engaging further.
And as she let her thoughts consume her, she realized she used to like to believe she didn't need anyone. But she refused to believe that now. Because Sarah and Kiara were laying next to her, laughing, and she thought it was the best she had ever felt. These were the people who made her feel. These were her stars.
But then she heard Kiara's voice again. You know why. And maybe she did. Maybe she needed him too. Maybe . . . just maybe . . . she'd let herself need him.
a/n: um this is emotional . . . i do apologize. but at least now my gals can be a trio together. i do love girl power. that's all. also, now y'all know why kie was so pissed at jj. she wanted to protect the baby boy :(((( also, also, kie calling izzy her twin flame & izzy referring to the girls as "her stars" ,,,,, my mind ✨✨
thanks for reading!