The ride home in Donghyuck's car that afternoon had been a tough lesson in patience and restraint. The two boys up front, not-so-subtly sneaking glances at each other--and at him--whenever they thought he was distracted, hadn't needed to tell him that he'd missed something big. Jaemin had been able to surmise that from the pointed silences, the barely restrained nervous energy and the way that Renjun had seemed to space out of their sporadic conversations every few seconds or so.
He'd tried to ignore it all the way through dinner too, hoping that one or both of them would tell him soon enough, if it was that important, but now Jaemin couldn't ignore the dull ache in the pit of his stomach as he sat on the office chair in his room and tried to focus on his Social Studies assignment. The subject didn't require a huge amount of concentration, leaving him free to observe the two boys sprawled out on the floor surrounded by their school work, but that was almost worse. It just left him with more space inside his brain to speculate, and to come to the inevitable conclusion that he had finally run out of time.
Jaemin wasn't stupid. Nor was he blind, so he knew without a doubt that Hwang Renjun was head-over-heels for a certain handsome soccer player. Granted, it had taken Jaemin far too long to come to that understanding, but, now that he knew, it was glaringly obvious. His best friend's eyes lit up whenever the boy entered a room--or if his name was even just mentioned in passing--and Renjun got the happiest, dumbest smile on his face whenever Jeno so much as looked at him.
If it had been anyone else--anyone else in the entire universe--Jaemin would have been first in line to cheer the two of them on with a gaudy, handmade banner and party balloons, willing Jeno to notice exactly what he was missing--because Renjun was perfect, inside and out, and he deserved to be that happy always--but it wasn't just anyone. It was Renjun, the boy Jaemin had been in love with since way before Jeno had entered the picture, before Donghyuck had touched down like a tornado and their world had been turned upside down. Jaemin didn't regret the majority of how things had turned out; he'd barely been a blip on Renjun's radar before Donghyuck had brought them together, after all, but he couldn't help but wonder if there was another parallel universe out there in which it was him that made Renjun's heart soar, instead of Lee Jeno.
"What did you get for question three?" Donghyuck asked then, pulling Jaemin back into the moment. Realising that his right leg was starting to fall asleep from the position he sat in, he shifted slowly, curling the offending leg up and under him onto the seat. Then he peered down at his work, knowing that Renjun was currently working on a different assignment from the other two boys, and sought out the question Donghyuck had mentioned.
"Hmm. I wrote 'social studies is stupid and Mrs Song can eat this entire piece of paper'," he offered dryly, spinning on the hydraulic base of the chair to look down at Donghyuck, who lay on his stomach with a pencil hooked loosely behind one ear. His friend lazily pushed up onto his elbows, staring up at him incredulously as a small smirk parted his lips. Jaemin sighed. "I might just move onto something else. This isn't due until next week anyway."
"NaNa..." Donghyuck started to say, a gentle rebuke sure to follow, but Renjun interrupted him, glancing up from his work to fix Jaemin with a knowing look.
"It's due on Tuesday morning, Jaemin-ah. It's Friday tomorrow, so you really don't have much time left." Jaemin considered his words for a moment, taking in the look of mild concern and disapproval on the older boy's face, and then sighed again.
"Yeah, I know. You're right," he hesitated, then added, "as always. I'll just start it again." Without further protest, Jaemin turned back towards his desk and pulled a new, blank sheet of paper from his notebook. He slid it across the wooden surface until it was side by side with the original, then he retrieved his pen and started to copy out the title again.
He might not like the way things were progressing in his relationship with Renjun, but Jaemin had to admit that he was by far the smartest--not to mention, the most studious--of the three of them. If Renjun thought he needed to get it done, he wasn't about to argue. It would inevitably benefit him in the long run, even if procrastinating seemed like a far more appealing option tonight.
The room fell largely silent again, save for the muffled scratching sound of Donghyuck's pencil against paper, and the tapping of keys on Jaemin's laptop as Renjun used it to research something for his essay. Jaemin found himself mindlessly copying out the first two answers of his assignment over again, two that he had mercifully been paying attention for, and let his attention drift once more.
If he ran the events of this afternoon through in his mind to their logical outcome, Jaemin could come to only one conclusion. Jeno, because the other boy was also far from stupid, must have finally realised what Jaemin already knew deep in his soul and made his move with Renjun. Jaemin couldn't imagine any other reason that Jeno would have asked to speak privately, only to have Donghyuck and Renjun emerge from the building ten minutes later, whispering giddily to one another like Renjun had just won the lottery.
Jaemin knew that Donghyuck was acutely aware of his own, unrequited feelings, although Donghyuck had promised never to tell Renjun about them, but he didn't begrudge his friend being happy for Renjun. Jaemin was even happy for Renjun--or at least he was trying to be. If he couldn't have the happy ending he wanted, and that fantasy was growing further and further away with each passing day beneath Jeno's shadow, he wanted that for Renjun. Even if that meant he had to step aside and watch him date someone else.
It didn't help that Lee Jeno was one of the nicest people Jaemin had ever met, once he'd gotten over his initial animosity towards the boy and had opened up to actually being friendly with him. He wasn't about to become best friends with Jeno--that distinction was reserved solely for the pair currently occupying every spare inch of floor space behind him--but he could appreciate the boy's appeal. Jeno was handsome, charismatic, talented at everything--except, possibly, fine art--and his smile turned heads wherever he went.
Jaemin would also be lying if he said that he hadn't had a fat crush on Jeno in early middle school, like just about everyone else in their class--one that may or may not have spurred him into some tough questions about his sexuality that he hadn't been ready to answer at that age--but that crush had faded with time. He could still appreciate Jeno's appeal from a purely clinical perspective, but it wasn't close to the same as how he felt about Renjun. That was so much stronger, occasionally bordering on obsessive when he wasn't careful to temper his emotions, and, instead of getting over it, his feelings had continued to grow with every passing morning they had spent at neighbouring desks together in homeroom.
Unfortunately, Jaemin told himself sadly, none of this altered the situation for him. Renjun still wasn't interested in him, as much as he'd prayed over the years for that not to be the case, and discovering what Jeno felt in the midst of all of this didn't really change much. Jaemin had made his decision weeks ago, when he'd come to the belated realisation that he didn't want to be estranged from his best friend for a second longer, and now he had to live with it. He'd stay by Renjun's side, in whatever capacity the older boy allowed, for as long as he wanted him there. He'd love him from afar, making sure that he was happy and fulfilled, while a small part of Jaemin died each day. It was a worthwhile trade, and one he was willing to make until he wasn't able to make it anymore.
"Jaemin-ah?"
"Huh?" Jaemin's head snapped up at the sound of Renjun's voice, just barely loud enough to cut through the swirl of emotions and turbulent thoughts inside his head. He leaned back into the chair and let the momentum swing him in a slow circle until he faced his friend. His friend--maybe, if he thought the word enough times, his heart would eventually get the message, Jaemin mused. The small clench of the organ beneath his ribs told him that wasn't likely any time soon, but he knew he had no other choice. Renjun--his best friend--needed that much from him.
"I have to tell you something." Renjun's facial expression was a carefully crafted mask of indifference, but Jaemin couldn't help the instinctive flinch that rippled through his entire body at the trepidation in the older boy's eyes. Jaemin knew that he'd just told himself he needed to be okay with this, with whatever Renjun would say when he told him the truth, but he hadn't expected it to be this soon. He wasn't ready to let Renjun go yet, as much as he knew he needed to, but time was up. This was happening, whether he was ready or not.
"Oh?" He was proud of the way that his voice sounded calm as he spoke, but the fist balled into Jaemin's sweatpants told a different story. He allowed himself to hold on even tighter, needing the slight burn from his whitened knuckles to keep him grounded, and focused on Renjun's face. "What is it?"
Renjun seemed to struggle for a moment, glancing over at Donghyuck briefly for moral support, but then he blew out a deep breath. "So, you know I talked to Jeno, right?"
"Right."
"Well, he...he asked me out." Renjun paused, watching Jaemin's face carefully, so the younger boy forced himself not to react. He had known that it would hurt to hear, but he hadn't anticipated the way that each word felt like a kick to the chest, stabbing him in the heart with each consonant. Only when Renjun's gaze shifted back to Donghyuck for a moment did Jaemin suck in a breath, winding his fingers so tightly into the fabric over his knee that he thought his nails might punch five ragged holes right through it.
"I told Hyuck earlier," Renjun continued, leaning into the boy beside him on the floor. Donghyuck looped an arm around his shoulders, but the younger boy's eyes were firmly fixed on Jaemin. The way they seemed to pierce right through his facade told Jaemin that Donghyuck wasn't fooled for a second by his reaction, but Renjun didn't appear to notice. "I didn't mean to tell you after him or anything, but he literally walked right in on us, while we were talking."
"Sorry about that," Donghyuck offered, but Renjun shook off the apology.
"It's fine." All eyes were suddenly back on Jaemin again, and Renjun offered him a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Anyway, I didn't want to keep this from you. I know you..." He broke off. "What I mean to say is, I said yes."
"Oh." Jaemin didn't think he could say more, and his gaze darted across to the closed bedroom door to his left. It was only a few paces away, although that short distance felt more like an eternity as his worldview seemed to shrink around the rectangular door frame, and Jaemin wanted nothing more than to escape through it. He was trying to be strong, he really was, but he was about to fall apart and he didn't want to do that in front of Renjun. He just needed a few minutes alone to pull himself together again, he justified, and then he'd be able to be the supportive friend that Renjun needed him to be.
"Oh?" Renjun sounded confused, but Jaemin didn't turn to see if that was reflected in his expression. He didn't think he'd be able to cope with seeing the other boy's face right now, not yet, so he steeled his shoulders and stood up quickly, the wheeled seat rolling back towards his desk with a soft squeak.
"I need to go to the bathroom," he announced, not bothering to wait for a response as he practically threw himself across the room towards the door. Flinging it open, he hurried out into the hallway and pressed himself into the wall beyond the doorway, just out of sight of both of his friends. He heard a grunt of surprise from someone, he wasn't sure who, but took advantage of the precious iota of privacy to take a steadying breath. A second followed, then a third, before Jaemin finally felt able to move again. There was a flurry of movement from inside his room, the telltale sound of footsteps over the creaky floorboard nearest to his bed, and he knew he had to move. If he could get to the bathroom before anyone came to investigate, he'd be safe. He could get himself under control before he said something he knew he'd regret.
He was halfway down the hall, close enough to the door to the family bathroom that he could have reached out and touched it, when he realised that he was no longer alone. The weight of eyes on his back gave him pause, and he glanced back over his shoulder to see Renjun closing in on him, eyes sparking with something fierce that Jaemin couldn't name. He considered making a run for it, eyeing the closed door reluctantly, but then Renjun was right there and he had nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." The response was immediate and automatic, like he was reading from a prompter, and, if the words sounded harsh and clipped to his ear, Jaemin hoped Renjun would forgive him. Hopes of finding a non-confrontational way out of this mess were fading fast, and he could only plead with the powers that be for Renjun to give up and leave him alone, before he lost anything more than his dignity.
"You're not okay," Renjun said, stepping closer so that he could press a hand to Jaemin's forearm. The sleeve of the younger boy's shirt was rolled up to the elbow--saying nothing of the fact that half of said sleeve still looked like it had lost a war with a tye-dye kit--so Renjun's fingers against his bare skin felt like a brand, too hot, too close and too sensitive all at the same time.
"I said I'm fine," Jaemin insisted, shrugging off Renjun's touch. Realising that he couldn't very well stand with his back to the boy for the remainder of their interaction--especially not if he wanted it to end any time soon--Jaemin turned around and immediately regretted it. Renjun stood so close that he could see the whites of his eyes, and he wore such a gentle, heart-breakingly tender look that Jaemin felt the hot sting of tears building around the bridge of his nose. It was so close to affection that it actually hurt, and yet the sadness that overshadowed it was unmistakable.
"I know you, Jaemin-ah." Pity. What he could see in Renjun's eyes was pity, directed at him. "I know that you're not okay, and I know that it's my fault." Jaemin froze, mind working overtime as he put the pieces together. Pity meant that Renjun knew something, something Jaemin didn't want him to know. He couldn't know. Jaemin would never retain his tentative grip on control if Renjun knew. It would all be over. "I--I'll tell Jeno no. If you ask me to, I'll tell him I'm not interested. Just say the word."
"W-why would you do that?" Momentarily, all thoughts of sorrow and discomfort fled, replaced with overwhelming confusion. "I don't understand." Renjun had pined after Jeno for--well, Jaemin didn't actually know how long, but it made no sense for him to back out now, not when he finally had what he wanted.
"Because you're my friend, Jaemin," Renjun told him. "I like him... you know I do, but I won't let that come between us. If you want me to back down, so you can have your chance, I'll do it."
"I--what?" Jaemin blinked stupidly down at Renjun, who looked about as close to tears as he felt. He knew that Renjun couldn't possibly mean what it sounded like he meant, that he was willing to give Jaemin a chance, but he couldn't see what other meaning there could be. It was unimaginable.
"I know you like him too. I've seen it in the way you look at him." Jaemin's jaw fell open, but Renjun wasn't about to be stopped. "I don't want this to drive a wedge between us. I already almost lost you once and, now that I know why, I won't let it happen again. If this is what it takes not to lose you, I'll tell Jeno that I'm not interested anymore."
There was a moment of shocked silence, then Jaemin let out a coarse laugh, which quickly turned into a thick, watery cough as the tears he'd been holding back welled up, unshed in the corners of his eyes. Renjun's face fell at the sound, but Jaemin couldn't take it back now, even if he thought it would have helped. He dropped his head, tucking his chin to his chest, and squeezed his eyes closed against the moisture trying to escape.
"You think I like Jeno?" It sounded utterly ridiculous to even say the words aloud, but the pained, forlorn sound that Renjun made deep in his throat stopped him in his tracks. Was it possible? Jaemin wondered, as he thought back over the past few months.
Their ridiculous fight in the hallway outside the drama studio, when he'd been an insufferable ass and then run away from his problems.
The way he'd swallowed his pride just to be around his best friend again, when he wanted nothing more than to scream to the heavens and confess everything.
The doomed frat party excursion, where he'd gotten embarrassingly drunk just to avoid having to watch Jeno enjoying everything he'd ever wanted.
The weeks that followed, where he'd tried so, so hard to pretend he wasn't in love with the boy in front of him--all the while watching someone else falling ever deeper.
"You don't?"
"No." It was blunt, brutally honest, but he owned Renjun that much.
"Then...why?" There was so much desperation, so much need in the older boy's voice as he spoke that Jaemin felt one of the remaining, intact pieces of his heart shatter under the onslaught. Renjun was hurting because of him, Jaemin realised, because he didn't dare to be honest. It wasn't fair on either of them, or on the boy who had so completely captured Renjun's heart, and he knew that he had to do something. It might destroy him, and their friendship, but the truth also might just set them all free.
"Because--" There was no going back from this, Jaemin reminded himself, before deciding that it didn't really matter anymore. As long as Renjun was happy, he would find a way to make peace with his choices, starting with this one. "Because I'm in love with you, Renjun-ah." There it was. Jaemin thought it should have been harder to say but, in the end, it had been as easy as breathing. The truth had wanted to be free all along, and now it could finally fly. "I have been for years. I swear I wasn't ever going to tell you, but I guess you deserve to know the truth."
When Renjun didn't speak, barely even swaying in place as he appeared to be frozen in time, Jaemin continued. He had nothing left to hide now. "I want you to be happy," he said quickly, almost stumbling over the words. "I want you to be happy and, if that's with Jeno, I'll support you every step of the way. He makes you smile, I've seen it, and you deserve to smile like that every second of every day, Renjunie. You deserve all the joy in the world and more.
"I know I hurt you when we fought after the drama social all those weeks ago. I was selfish; I thought that, somehow, if I made a big deal out of everything, you'd finally realise how I felt. I wanted you to figure it out for yourself, so that I could have my Hallmark moment, but I know now that I was just acting like a petulant child. It wasn't fair on you, and I wish so badly that I could go back and do things differently.
"I even tried to get between you and Jeno. God, I embarrassed you and I embarrassed myself, forcing myself in where I wasn't wanted. I was a real idiot, and I'm sorry. I'm still not sure why you decided to forgive me, but I'm so grateful that you did. You deserve more than me as a friend but, now that all of this is out in the open, I promise that I'll do my best to be that friend that you deserve. Heck! If you'll have me, I'll be the best goddamn wingman in history. I'll help you get your happy ending, and...and I'll get over you in time.
"I bet we'll even laugh about this at some point in the future, about that time your weird best friend had a dumb crush and almost let it ruin our friendship. Just don't force me away, please. I need you, Renjunie. You and Hyuck are all I have."
Impassioned speech over and unexpected boldness fading fast, Jaemin let himself deflate like a punctured balloon, back hitting the wall and knees buckling under his dead weight. He let gravity drag him down onto the carpeted floor, head falling back to press into the wall behind him with a dull thud. Renjun still hadn't moved, eyes now staring unseeing over Jaemin's head, but he'd said his piece. The rest was all up to Renjun now. Jaemin just hoped the older boy would be gentle about it, if he was about to push him away.
"Why did you never say anything?" It took so long that Jaemin almost missed it when Renjun finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper. Jaemin's eyes flew open, his whole being instantly fixated on Renjun's face, but the older boy didn't look down at him.
"Would it have mattered?" he asked resignedly. "Would you have felt any differently if I had?" Renjun didn't respond, not that Jaemin expected him to, but the way he tensed at the question told Jaemin everything he needed to know. "I didn't think so."
"I--"
"It's okay, Renjunie," Jaemin said quickly, not letting Renjun say whatever he'd been about to say. He knew the other boy well enough by now to know that he'd try to apologise, or to make Jaemin feel like it wasn't his fault that things had ended up like this, and Jaemin wouldn't let him. This was all on him, no matter the outcome. "This isn't on you. I told you, I'll get over it eventually." He didn't know how, or how long that might take, but that was his burden to bear. "I'm a big boy. Just don't hate me."
"I could never hate you, NaNa." At Renjun's use of that name--one he'd adopted after he'd noticed how much Jaemin loved it when Donghyuck used it--another piece of Jaemin's heart broke. He didn't outwardly react, not wanting Renjun to see how much it affected him, but the sorrow in his soul threatened to drown him yet again. "I--I love you."
Jaemin actually smiled then, and he fought back the urge to laugh despite himself. "I know you do." It was true; he knew that Renjun loved him. It just wasn't enough, not for him. "I love you too. Just, uh, not quite the same way."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Just promise me that you'll do what makes you happy, whatever that may be."
"I--okay." Renjun had never looked so small, Jaemin thought, as he gazed up at the boy that stood beside him in the hallway of his family home. This was all weighing heavily on him--on both of them--and Jaemin knew that it was probably a good idea to let Renjun have a bit of space to process everything. He had taken it all well so far, incredibly so, but he had to be feeling very overwhelmed right about now.
"I'm going to use the bathroom," Jaemin announced loudly, hoping that Donghyuck would hear him from his room. He wasn't sure how much the other boy had overheard, since they hadn't exactly been quiet about it, but he didn't think Donghyuck would judge him for any of it. He'd known anyway, Jaemin reminded himself, and Renjun could do with some support right then. Donghyuck might look their age on the surface, but he had a lot of life experience that both of his friends lacked. He would know what to do--what to say to make everything okay.
Pushing up off the floor, Jaemin stepped past Renjun and into the small room, locking the door behind him before sinking down onto the toilet seat. Slumping forward, he let his head drop into his hands, scrubbing his fingers over his skin, and started to count his breaths.
One.
Two.
Three.
By the time he got to ten, he heard movement outside the door and then muffled footsteps heading away, back down the hall towards his room. Still, he continued to count, his breaths becoming more even and more synchronized with each passing number. He allowed himself not to think for a few minutes, listening to his heartbeat and the gentle whoosh of air as it entered and exited his lungs. It felt good not to dwell inside his own thoughts, so he continued to count, reaching triple figures before he figured he'd probably left enough time to allow him to return to his bedroom.
He'd follow Renjun's lead from here on out, Jaemin decided resolutely. If the older boy never brought any of this up again, he'd respect that and follow suit. If he wanted to talk, Jaemin would acquiesce, but he'd make sure he didn't harm their friendship any further by doing so. He'd said everything he'd been holding back anyway, so there would be no more secrets on his end, and he meant every word he'd said. He'd be the best friend he could possibly be to Renjun, to Donghyuck, to Jeno and Yukhei and everyone else in his life. He'd do it for them, and for him, until it didn't hurt so much anymore. How hard could it be?
Unlocking the door to the bathroom and stepping back into the hallway, he was relieved not to see anyone around. He could hear the low hum of ambient noise from downstairs--his parents watching a movie in the family room, so they wouldn't disturb him and his friends, his mom had told him as they cleared up after dinner--and Renjun was long gone. The door to his room was partially open as he walked slowly towards it, mentally preparing himself to reinsert himself into whatever group dynamic awaited him.
"Hyuckie..."
Without realising it, Jaemin froze at the sound of Renjun's voice, arm outstretched towards the protruding door handle. He backed up a step, finding himself pressed against a familiar patch of wall yet again. He knew that he was intruding, and that he really shouldn't be eavesdropping, but it was like he was no longer fully in control of his limbs. There was every chance that he might not like what he heard, but he had to know.
"...I--I think I've made a huge mistake."
"What are you going to do about it?" Donghyuck's voice was muffled, but Jaemin thought he sounded conflicted.
"I don't know."