As much as I hated it, I couldn't stop thinking that some people were just destined to be unhappy, destined to a life of misery. Even more, I couldn't stop feeling that I fell amongst such people. And to be honest, it was extremely hard for me not to think this way. Everything in my life constantly seemed to be unraveling, falling apart. I had finally found a bit of happiness and it was snatched away from me before I could easily fully grasp it. She was snatched away from me.
The tears on my face were still fresh. I had been seated on the floor in the same position for two hours now, just slowly turning my phone over and over in my palms as the emotions of despair oozed out of me.
I thought of Mis Rose. Her perfectly chiseled face, her delicate bone structure, her smile. My heart hurt me all over again and a fresh set of tears began brimming in my eyes.
Maybe Caroline was right.
Maybe this was all my fault for even falling for Miss Rose in the first place. We were from two completely different worlds. How could I ever imagine that Miss Rose could be with a person like me? There was never a chance of us lasting anyway, I was going to go back to Grad school as soon as I had saved enough money. I didn't plan on working with Starlight Industries forever, this was just a phase of my life till I found my footing. After which, I might never even see her again. Maybe I'd even forget all about her in a year or two.
I tried to tell myself that what I felt for Miss Rose was not real. I tried to convince myself that it was nothing but a little crush. That my feelings were not serious, were not real... but deep down within me I knew this wasn't true.
I did not doubt that Caroline was making empty threats. I could see the truth just by looking into her eyes, there was no emotion there except for anger. Not even hurt, just anger. She was a mentally unstable woman with a shit-ton of anger. I was certain that if I had stepped out of line tonight, she would have pierced that knife through my heart. The worst part is, I didn't even think she realized that. She would have done it as a spur-of-the-moment situation, blinded by anger, and hence, all other sense of reasoning would have been given a back seat. She would have driven the knife clean through me and I would have bled out in under five minutes.
There was no way I could risk this. Irrespective of what I felt for Miss Rose, I couldn't put my best friend's life in danger because of her. I couldn't risk my future because of her. I refused to do it.
I heaved a deep sigh of conviction as hot tears fell down my face. I had to do exactly what Caroline wanted. There was simply no two ways about it.
I didn't get a single ounce of sleep that night. I did not want to have to deal with the nightmares that I knew would be intensified. Paranoia kept me up all night. I constantly stared at my door expecting Caroline to burst through, knife in hand, eyes ablaze. She'd tell me she had changed her mind and wanted me completely out of the picture, then she'd jab the knife right through my heart. All night I stayed awake on high alert. All night, I thought of what was to come.
I thought of what I had to do and felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces a million times over.
The sun began to rise, and I watched the whole thing from my bedroom window. I wished it didn't rise. I wished it would never be day again; I wished I would never have to see another day again. But yet, as much as I willed it not too - day came around. I watched as the morning turned into noon and in the same manner, noon turned into eve. My stomach growled, but I didn't care. I did not see the point in doing anything. I didn't see the point in getting up and making myself a meal. I did not see the point in anything.
Things I hadn't thought about in years suddenly resurfaced to the top of my mind, dark thoughts. I pondered these dark thoughts in my head for a while, but was immediately snapped out of my thoughts when I heard an alert go off from the next room.
It was my phone. It was still at the same position on the floor where I had dropped it last night.
I heard another alert go off, and I got up groggily from my bed. My muscles ache terribly, I had been seated in the same position for hours.
I picked up my phone, my heart instantly doing a backflip once I read the message on the screen:
Miss Rose
I'm on my way.
I stared at the text message, reading it over again and again. I had completely forgotten that I had previously agreed to go on a date with Miss Rose tonight. My throat hurt and felt extremely weak.
Another alert went off on my phone:
Miss Rose
I'm five minutes away.
I began shaking furiously; I knew this was it. I had to do this now or else I feared I wouldn't be able to at all.
I walked into my kitchen and downed a glass of cold water. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the icy burn hit the back of my throat.
I finally left my apartment. The soft evening breeze against my face almost brought me to tears. I wanted to turn around, but I thought of Amanda and kept walking.
My palms were sweaty and my heart was beating rapidly as I stood waiting for Miss Rose. A car appeared on my road and it took me a while before I realized who it was. Miss Rose wasn't in her usual black jeep, but appeared in a dark blue car. I recognized the car from amongst the cars that had been parked in her garage the day she gave me driving lessons. Thinking back to that day instantly formed a knot at the back of my throat. I swallowed hard and blinked back tears.
The car pulled up slowly beside me and Miss Rose stepped out. She was dressed in black skinny jeans and was wearing a black biker jacket over a baby blue button-up shirt. Her top buttons were open, revealing her sharp collarbones. Today she wasn't wearing trainers but black wet-look boots.
She looked gorgeous.
"Muna," Miss Rose said as she scanned me from head to toe.
I was dressed in pajama pants and a sweatshirt.
"Did you not get my text in time? I can wait for you to get ready-" she had confusion etched into her brows as she spoke and my heart ached.
"No." I said. My voice came out weak and I cleared my throat, "Miss Rose, I don't want to go on a date with you."
She stood staring at me as my heart beat rapidly in my chest. Her face was expressionless but slowly broke into a smile.
"Oh, I get it," Miss Rose said as she leaned against her car and crossed her arms over her chest, "you want a Netflix and chill kind of night? I don't mind, I found those extremely romantic."
She had completely misunderstood me. I felt my heart fall as I now understood that I was going to have to be more direct; I was going to have to be extremely blunt. Raw.
"With all due respect, Miss Rose. I don't want to go on a date with you right now... or ever. You are my boss and I want our relationship to solely be just that. Professional."
Bullshit.
Miss Rose stared at me in confused amusement, "is this a joke Muna? Really funny."
She reached out to touch me, and I instantly jerked away from her reach. She pulled away in utter confusion.
"Muna, what's going on?" Miss Rose asked. The amusement that was spread across her face just seconds ago had completely disappeared, and now all that was left was confusion.
"I think it's inappropriate that we pursue a personal relationship, Miss Rose."
I couldn't even look into her eyes as I spoke, I feared what I would see there.
There was a moment of silence as Miss Rose took in my words.
"Muna, where is all this coming from?" Her voice sounded distant, "is this because of the meeting the other day? I'm sorry, I might have taken it too far. I promise, we can keep our relationship strictly professional when in work settings henceforth."
She reached over to touch me and I jerked away again, causing her arms to fall limply to her side.
"Muna-"
"This has nothing to do with that, okay." I said harshly, cutting her off.
"Where is all this coming from, Muna? I don't understand-"
My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, then I lied through my teeth: "I'm honestly not interested in you at all romantically. I think I just went along with it cause you are my boss. I felt pressured."
Miss Rose drew a sudden sharp breath.
But I kept going, I couldn't stop now, "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I am your Personal Assistant Miss Rose, and that is solely the relationship I want to have with you."
Lies.
"I'm sorry for having to make you come all this way for nothing."
That was it. I was done. I had recited word for word what I had practiced earlier on; I was done. I turned around just as the first tear rolled down my face and began walking away.
"I don't believe this," Miss Rose said from behind me. Her voice sounded even more far away than she was. It sounded weak. "I don't believe this Muna."
I didn't turn around; I didn't say anything, I just continued walking.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel anything for me!" Miss Rose was screaming after me, "Why wouldn't you look me in the eyes? Look at me and tell me you don't feel it too!"
I had never heard so much emotion in her voice. The tears were falling in masses down my face and I quickened my steps as I walked away. I began climbing the stairs to my apartment, taking them two steps at a time.
Miss Rose's yelling had increased, she was screaming my name, but I didn't dare look back, I didn't dare slow down.
"Fuck you Muna Johnson, FUCK YOU!"
I pushed open the door to my apartment, slamming it shut behind me before collapsing to the ground for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.