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WOW-EE! OH, BABY, I'D LIKE TO GNAW ON YOUR TWIGS!
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It had been Alice Cullen who opened the door of her home for the one, and only, Harlequin of Crime and Mischief. Her wild, short hair frames the shock expression on her beautifully shaped face. The homicidal maniac before her plants on an awfully large grin and makes herself at home by confidently stepping into the foyer. Her pale hands grip onto a black duffel bag and her infamous charbroiled beaver. A soft hum escapes her throat as she spins to find the vegetarian vampire staring back at her with confusion written all over her face. ".. What," she casually asks. It's as if she hadn't just showed up to her friend's house without warning. "Do I got somethin' on my face?"
Alice, the female vampire, quickly masks her shock with a genuine welcoming smile and shakes her head. "No. No," she kindly replies. She gently shuts the front door closed and continues to explain. "I just.. I didn't expect your arrival."
Normally whenever someone plans on arriving to the Cullen's home, the fortune telling immortal would receive a warning. But in this case, she didn't. Of course, she's not bothered by Harleen's presence. She loves the human with all she has to offer. She's just slightly bothered by her lack of warning. If she knew her best friend was coming for a visit, she would have prepared buckets-full of food for her, gotten her makeup-stand ready, gathered a racket-full of clothing for her to dress upon. She would have had everything planned. But what can you expect? Harleen is the very definition of the unexpected.
The unexpected guest playfully scoffs and waves her hand in the air, wearing a small smile. "I just thought you could use the company, ya know? .. That's all," she swiftly answers.
It's a lie.
If anything, she is the one who is in desperate need of companionship. It has all been getting to her: the death of her beloved, the sudden move, being away from her friends and family in New York, not being able to find a job. I mean, can you really blame her for befriending a dead beaver? The world is just tossing that poor girl in every which way, and there's nothing to do but hold onto something close and wait to see what happens next.
Her lips spread into a slight smile as she looks around the house, observing the very same decor she had previously seen the day she was invited for the first time. "I love what ya did with the place," she starts. "Looks the same as it did the day before yesterday." A small laugh escapes her lips and she turns to Alice, still holding Bernie to her chest. "Ya got a bathroom by the way? I gotta twinkle."
Held by her tattooed arm, Bernie begins to speak to her. "This that Alicia girl ya was talkin' 'bout, Sweetness," he asks, referring to the pixie - like vampire.
A childish giggle escapes his owner's throat. She beams a smile at Alice, her mood completely shifted to happiness. All of this is made possible by her talking beaver, who had made a funny remark. "I think my Bernie likes ya, Dandelioness," she says, calling Alice by the new nickname she has for her. 'Dandelioness' is inspired by the bouquet of wildflowers the fortune teller had gifted her the day she came into her home. Happy again, she mischievously hides the dead animal behind her back. "Ya wanna meet my beaver," she mysteriously asks.
To put it short, Alice doesn't know what the hell to expect. "Do you want to meet my beaver," is just something you don't hear often, even for an eighty-three-year-old vampire. "Um.. Okay. Why not," is all she manages to say.
Grinning from ear to ear, the sociopathic teen extends her arms to face her 'Dandelioness' to her 'Wittle Bernie.' "Bernie, meet Alice. Alice, Bernie," she formerly introduces Bernie to Alice as if he were a living, breathing being.
In her wild imagination, Harleen catches Bernie's eyes widening with lust and excitement. "Wow-ee! Oh, baby, I'd like to gnaw on your twigs," the dead beaver exclaims, though he's unheard by everyone but Harleen.
Completely oblivious to the beaver's sexual comment, Alice gives her friend's dead pet a kind but awkward smile. "Oh. It's an actual.. beaver. And he's.. burnt," she points out. A small chuckle rumbles her throat as she moves to pet the top of his head.
"Burnin' up for you, Sweet Cheeks," Bernie purrs like the pervert the schizophrenic teen pictures him to be.
A shocked gasp escapes his owner's throat. She quickly pulls Bernie away from Alice and holds up her pointer finger, wearing a mean scowl. "Bernie! Behave," she demands, speaking to him like a mother would to her misbehaving son. She turns to face Alice and flashes her a quick smile. "Sorry about him. We haven't taught 'em how to behave around beautiful people yet."
Her friend's perfectly shaped eyebrow lifts with absolute shock. "Is he.. speaking with you, Harleen?"
Still smiling, Harley nods her head with nothing but proud. "Yup! He can only talk to me though. It's a real special connection we have. Some kinda talkin' beaver or somethin', real treasure he is. I named my little Bernie after Bernie Bash, my first ever crush," she drifts off the initial question and begins to chatter away about her precious talking beaver and the origin of his name. "That boy was all trouble - classic psychopath. Ya know how it is with those." She laughs at her own joke and rocks side to side as she remembers a specific memory.
The woman who receives the other end of her conversation smiles at her and hooks her arm with Harley's as she leads her across the foyer. "Sounds like a real charmer," she comments.
".. Yeah, he was. That boy was all sweets. He threw Bonnie Harper, my middle school bully, in front of a truck for me," Harleen casually says. There it is. Her favorite memory, ever. If God came down from heaven and told her, "Harley Quinn, my favorite child of all, ya gotta pick one memory to live by fer-ever. Which would it be, my child?" Yup. This would be it. No hesitation. At hearing this, Alice's eyes widen slightly. She quietly lets Harleen continue with her story. "She was a real piece of work, I'll tell ya that. What he did was the most romantic gesture I've eva' seen.. But then, he got sent away to juvie fer, like, ever.."
The two figures disappear up the flight of stairs and into the living area.
"Pie is here," Harley excitedly shouts as she sprints up the flight of stairs and into the living room, where the Cullen family awaits her. Everyone is in the room, except for the parents, who are off being busy. Carlisle had gone off to work, and Esme is out, shopping for food to keep up the facade of having a regular, human family. Two plastic bags hang from Harley's abnormally pale wrists.
Rosalie Hale diverts her vision from her intimidating husband and quirks an eyebrow, her lips forming into a small smile. "Is all that really necessary," she asks, referring to the several bags of food. Looks can be deceiving. For a small, little girl, Harley can eat for two. She can fight like one, too. One hit from the former gymnast will knock you back a couple inches.
A small pout forms on Harley's lips as she drops on the floor and sits on the ground with her legs crossed. "It very much is, Rosa-Lilly. If you could taste the deliciousness, you'd understand," she replies as she pulls out several flavored pies out of the two plastic bags. Four pies lay out before her. There's strawberry, blueberry, cherry and key lime, her favorite of all. "But ya can't, 'cause they're all mine," she playfully sings and picks up a plastic fork, her lips adorned with a massive Cheshire - like grin. "Now I hope you don't mind." Still grinning, she stabs the middle piece of the key lime pie and playfully waves it in the air in attempts of teasing the immortal beings before her.
The beauty releases a soft smile and shakes her head as she leans back in the couch. Near Jasper, Edward smiles and shares the look of amusement with his brother, Emmett. Beside her husband, Alice chuckles at Harley's playfulness. "Human food doesn't appeal to us, so go for it," she replies.
Once hearing this, Harley's smile drops slightly. She ordered several pies for her friends to enjoy them, too. She was only teasing them. Of course, she knows of their diet and consumption of blood, but she didn't know that they cannot enjoy human food. Now she's stuck with four pies, spent money and several plastic forks. At least the napkins were free. ".. Bein' immortal must suck, don't it," she pitifully wonders. Not as thrilled, she sets down the fork and picks Bernie off the ground. She plants him onto her lap and sets her chin on the top of his head.
The Cullens look at each other.
Rosalie's red lips match hers, tilted with a sad frown. She leans on her husband and places her head full of hair onto his shoulder. Emmett looks down at his wife and soothingly rubs her thigh as Alice speaks up from her seat on the couch.
"It does," the female vampire starts. Her eyes drift to Edward, who intensively watches Harley as she listens from her spot on the carpeted floor. "But there's many perks to it, too," she smiles at him and looks at her as she continues, "We get to meet people from different places in the world. We have the luxury of watching humankind evolve, the fashion, the culture, the world.. Just because we stopped aging, doesn't mean the world did." She looks to her husband and leans in to peck his lips. "I'm just grateful I get to witness this with my family and loving husband."
The blonde on the floor looks up at her, her naturally blue eyes filled with tears of awe and her lips formed into a tight smile. And, as usual, her thoughts are racing at a thousand miles per hour, too fast for the mind reader to catch a single word out of her. But he knows she's thinking.. planning. Finally, she nods her head and gestures everyone over. "Alright, come on. Gather around, Butter Cakes."
The family glance at one another, confused but curious.
She chuckles and adjusts Bernie. "Come on, now! We ain't got forever - Well, you do, but ya know."
Grinning from ear to ear, Emmett is the first one out of the five to join her on the floor. Next is a trusting Alice and a curious Rosalie. Investigative but slightly skeptical, Edward and Jasper are the last to join the circle. The tight-knit family surrounds Harley and her furry friend.
"Now everyone grab a fork," she tells them as she hands them a plastic fork. They gracefully take it into their hands.
Jasper stares at the flimsy fork and lifts an eyebrow, curiously staring at it. Of course he has eaten out of these when he was human, but he's never bothered to pick one up again after his transformation. There just wasn't a need to do so. Now, there is.. for some strange reason.
"Er, Harley, we can't have —" Edward's statement gets cut off by Belle Reve's recently released inmate.
She holds up the fork from before, still having the piece of pie at the end. She waves it in the air, almost bumping his nose with the whipped cream. "Uh-Uh! You're all gonna have some. This is the day you can be like me.. and Bella. Even if ya gotta puke it out later, you gotta try some. Promise?"
Everyone looks at their neighbor, still holding a fork in their hands. No one replies. Instead, they think about it. Harley is trying to show her friends how similar they are to her and how, no matter how much their venom - filled bodies rejects human food, they can still enjoy the thought of enjoying a piece of pie.
"All these pies look good ta me," Bernie suddenly says.
The blonde smiles and nods her head with agreement. She sneaks a fork into his hand, adjusting it to sit in between his middle and pointer finger.
"'Specially that hot blonde ova' there," the talking beaver continues.
"Bernie! Behave!"
The incredibly beautiful family watches her with wide eyes. She looks up from her perverted beaver and flashes them a quick grin. The comedian in the family leans into Rosalie's hear and whispers something to her. "Rose.. why did she give her stuffed beaver a fork," he asks as if his wife knows the answer to Harley's outrageous actions.
Still watching the beaver, Rosalie leans in and quietly replies, "I'm not sure.. Anything he puts away is just gonna ooze out."
Her eyes big and wide, Harley suddenly leans in and digs her way into their quiet conversation. "You guys.. Bernie can hear you whispering — Bernie! Behave," she orders out of nowhere.
Edward glances at the stuffed beaver, then at the Queen of Gotham. "What did he say, Harleen?"
"I'd rather not repeat what he said. It was quite foul.. even fer him. Bats make my Bernie Sanders feel a bit restless. Don't take it personally."
Everyone decides to stay quiet.
"Now fer pie! Let them eat cake," she suddenly and enthusiastically exclaims, referring to Marie Antionette's famous quote. Grinning like the maniac she is, she stuffs a massive chunk of creamy key lime pie into her mouth and moans, practically bouncing as she feels the sugar coating her insides.
Beside her and Rosalie, Emmett shrugs his shoulders and shares a look with his siblings. He gives it a "what the hell" and quickly inserts a spoon-full of blueberry pie into his mouth. He slowly chews it's butter crisp edges, slightly gagging at the taste.
Alice thinks about it and quickly leans in to catch a sniff of the strawberry pie. Her sensitive nose wrinkles with disgust. Strawberries used to be her favorite fruit growing up. Oh, boy, have things changed. But she won't back down. She glances at her adoptive sister and, at the same time, they poke a corner piece of a pie. Alice has strawberry, Rosalie has cherry. The two of them insert the plastic forks into their mouths, immediately groaning with disgust.
The former war leader stares at his wife with wide eyes. He then turns to look at Harley, who watches him with her creepy, blue eyes. Those are the pair of eyes that say, "Go on. Eat it. I'm not poisoning you," and the next day, you end up dead and with your credit card maxed out. Harley mumbles something and gestures him to carry on, while struggling to swallow the massive chunk of key lime pie. He takes an unneeded deep breath and follows after his wife and sister, immediately gagging of the taste of sugar and strawberry.
In front of Harley, Edward glances at his siblings as they either continue to chew or spit out the fruity pie. He looks to Harley as she waits for him to continue. He hesitates before he sets a small piece of key lime pie onto the edge of his fork. His nose wrinkles with absolute disgust as he slowly inches it toward his mouth. The girl before him notices his hesitation, so, as she's chewing the dessert, she mumbles something about him being a "fucken pussy," and shoves the plastic fork down Edward's throat. Caught off guard, he pulls his head back, but it's too late. The sugary dessert is already in his mouth. After moments of chewing, Harley finally swallows the pie in her mouth and grins. "We're all the same now."
FIN