If you've made it this far, then you have probably read through my whole life for the past three years, so I don't feel the need for a big summary.
Because I wasn't even at home. I couldn't go home, and right now, I don't think that's a bad thing.
I was talking to Elena on the phone, walking out of my house--that I had to compel myself on the border of Mystic Falls. "I don't even go to Whitmore, and I never have. Why would I care about their stupid football team?"
"It's the opening game of the season, Nicola. Time to pick a home."
"I did pick a home." I looked at my house behind me. "I just signed the deed to my new house."
"You mean, you compel paid for your new house on the border of a town that doesn't want you. That's not home. That's sad."
"Do you even like football?"
"No, but I like drinking in the parking lot before hand."
I heard Tyler's voice. "Nikki, you're coming."
"Tyler, how many times do I have to tell you that's a family nickname?"
"What family do you have left to call you Nikki?" Tyler replied jokingly.
"Ouch," Elena said.
"Touche," I told him.
"Stop trying to change the subject," Tyler told me.
"Don't act like you have any ground to stand on. You skipped an entire year."
"And Caroline hounded me for an entire year. So here I am. We convinced Care to come. I taught you everything that you need to know about being a vampire even while I am human, and it's been pretty freaking hard considering that I'm at college and you're not, so you owe me big time. Get your ass over here."
"Nicola, I'm picking you up a 6 P.M. sharp tomorrow," Elena told me. "Okay? Bring your school spirit. Bye!"
Elena hung up before I had the chance to argue.
I sighed, hanging up, going through my phone pictures.
There was one of Stefan and Elena, Damon and Elena, Stefan and Damon....
I sighed, sitting down on the porch steps behind me.
Damon died.
Stefan had left to go find a way to try and bring him back, but I hadn't heard from him in months.
I debated calling someone for a moment, finally deciding to call. I got their voicemail. "Hey, Stefan. I know that you probably won't get this. Or you will, and you won't care. If you're just trying to spare me the high hopes feeling, or if you just want to get all of this crap out of life, remember that I am a vampire now, and this crap is permanently in my life, and I can handle whatever you tell me. Please, Stefan. Just call me. Text me. Anything that let's me know you're alive, or that you still care. When I lost Damon, I didn't think that I would lose you, too."
I sighed, hanging up, sitting back on the steps, hanging my head.
I missed him, and I wanted him back, but I didn't know what to do.
I stood, turning to look at the house behind me. The house where no one else but I lived in, and it was even more depressing than the Salvatore Boarding House, my actual home, because at least I could call that my actual home, where I had been born and raised in, where everything bad thing that happened to me, literally, happened there, and yet, so did every good thing.
I just wished that there was a way to go home.
~~~~~~
Instead of spending another boring, lonely day at home, I decided to go to the game the next day.
I had needed to do something different than staring at the same old walls of my house that would never be my home.
Standing in the crowd, I looked around in boredom, sitting on a bench, looking toward Alaric and Tyler.
Tyler bumped into Alaric. "Oh. Watch it, dick." He saw it was Alaric. "Whoa, sorry. Still working out the kinks of being human. My tolerance blows."
Tyler took a sip of beer.
"Yeah, Tyler, not to play chaperone here, but are you sure somebody with your anger issues should be drinking at all this close to a full moon?" Alaric asked.
"My issues are under control," Tyler told him. "Coach lets me practice with the football team. I get to kick ass in a controlled environment."
"Till you get plastered and do something stupid and trigger your werewolf curse all over again," Alaric told him.
"Alaric, chill," Tyler told him. "It's under control."
"Good," Alaric told him, taking the beer away from him. "But just in case..."
"Really?" Tyler asked.
Alaric took a drink. "You know, I haven't been buzzed since I came back to life. And saying that aloud while sober really freaks me out."
Alaric chuckled.
Tyler looked toward me.
I looked away, taking a sip of beer, pretending that I wasn't listening in.
Alaric followed Tyler's gaze to me. He chuckled, looking at Tyler. "As the only stober person here, trust me when I tell you this, Tyler. The girl is so not into you. Thanks for the beer."
Alaric walked away.
I looked toward Tyler, realizing that he was looking toward me, standing, turning around, walking away.
~~~~~~
Later on, I saw a football player with a scraped, blood-stained elbow before the game even started. It was oozing blood.
My eyes turned red, veins crawling underneath hungrily.
I closed my eyes, trying to force the urge out. I opened my now-normal eyes to see Tyler. I sighed. "Don't you ever get tired of doing that?"
"Tired of saving you from yourself or teaching you control?" Tyler asked.
"Both," I answered.
Tyler shook his head. "Doesn't bother me." We started to walk away from the blood. "What brothers me is that Stefan abandoned you to learn how to be a vampire by yourself."
"At least I had you as a replacement," I said sarcastically.
"Look, you haven't killed a human being, not even when you were one," Tyler told me. "Why start now?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't for lack of trying," I told him. "It was because of you. Too bad I don't know of something just right to pay you back. Because, yeah, you were right yesterday. I do owe you big time."
"Aw, don't worry about it," Tyler told me. "I just did what had to be done that shouldn't even be happening to you."
I sighed, shaking my head. "I know what you think about Stefan and Damon, and I know that I should think about the same exact things, but I just don't. I can't explain it."
"And you don't have to," Tyler told me. "I know I wouldn't understand it even if I tried. But I get it... I think." I smirked, looking away. "Just forget about it."
"I can't just forget about it, Tyler," I told him. "If it wasn't for you, I would have torn through a town by now."
"I wouldn't say that..." Tyler trailed off. I gave him a look. "Yeah, okay, I would."
I smirked, shaking my head, turning to face him. "I don't know how, but I will pay it back to you somehow."
I turned around, walking away.
~~~~~~
After dark, I saw Tyler having Luke in a chokehold, in the middle of the crowd, walking toward them. "Hey! Knock it off. Knock it off." I pulled them apart, looking at Tyler. "You got it under control, huh?" Tyler didn't answer, drunk, walking away. I turned to face Luke. "You want to tell me what the hell that was about?"
Luke beathed heavily, not answering at first.
He had been making Elena magical witch drugs that made her hallucinate Damon, made her confused and blood-thirsty and violent.
And that seemed to explain everything.
~~~~~~
At Tyler's dorm, I saw him using the doorframe as a pull-up bar, walking toward him. "Could you be more of a douche bag cliche?"
Tyler let himself fall to the floor. "I got a little out of hand. I know."
"A little?" I repeated. "You could've killed Luke tonight, and triggered the werewolf curse all over again."
"I know," Tyler told me. "But why do you care? He got to live that day. Remember? The rest of us lost people because of him. You lost someone because of him."
"I'm aware of that, Tyler," I told him. "I care because even though I'm a vampire, I still think and feel a human, okay? Damon turned me a month before he died, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have this hunger that won't go away. Everything is heightened, including the loss I felt when I lost him, and when Stefan left without saying goodbye. I came this close to turning it off, but I didn't, because of you."
"And I know what it feels like to have something stripped away from you and be left with something that you never wanted," Tyler told me. "Nikki, four months ago, I could do anything. I could make anyone do anything that I wanted. I was stronger than most people on this Earth. And then it went away. And all that's left inside of me is rage. So, believe me when I tell you that I know what it's like to lose something and never, ever be able to get it back. But I want you to understand that I am trying to deal with it, just like you're dealing with yours. And not to use old quotes or anything, but I don't need your help."
I scoffed, shaking my head. "Now you're starting to sound like me. Just forget it. Forget I said anything."
I turned around, starting to walk away.
Tyler grabbed my arm to stop me. "Why do you always do that? You've always done that."
"I've always done what?" I asked in annoyance.
"When I'm trying to talk to you, and you just give me that look and walk away," Tyler answered.
"You're the one who said you don't need my help, and that you want to me to forget about it, Tyler," I told him.
Tyler let me go.
I walked away.
~~~~~~
I went home, sitting alone in the empty, deserted dining room at the table, trying to call Stefan again. "Hey. It's me. Just leaving another message about how today was not a good day. Everyone drifted apart. It's like everyone's pretending they can get through this alone. Elena's gone, and I think she's so scared to accept what happened that she's become a completely different erson. And if you ask me, Tyler's just hiding at Whitmore, pretending like everything's fine, as if he can outrun his werewolf gene or something. And Matt and Jeremy never leave Mystic Falls anymore. There's an invisible wall standing between us and them, and nobody's doing anything about it. Part of me wonders if they hope we never find a way back in. Caroline dropped out of Whitmore. She barely speaks to anyone, other than her mother. Sh can't let go of her old life. I can't blame her. Then there's me, sitting in my new house that I can't even bring myself to say my home, because I can't either. I can't let go of the life that I had before all of this, Stefan. I know that I'm dead, and that I can never have the life that I had back, but... I just need some form of it. Humanity, my home, because let's face it, this empty shell of a house will never be my home... Or you, Stef, and so that is why I am not going to stop calling you until you pick up the phone and I hear your voice and you tell me that you are going to help me fix this. Fix me, or fix our friends, or fix the town that we can't even take a step into. Because, if I know you as well as I think you do, you're sitting in some temporary home, alone, just like I am, with only a few people to call friends. But they're not family, and right now, the only family that you have left is ready to give up, because I don't know what else I can take. Please, Stefan. Come home."
I sighed, finally hanging up.
I had lost everything. My mom, my dad, being human, Damon, Stefan....
I had almost nothing left.
So if I didn't get even a semblance of that back, I didn't know how long I could hang onto my humanity.