Chapter Twenty-Two: Have I Ever
"Never have I ever... kissed anyone in this circle." A small, giggly, blonde girl who was most definitely drunk said on her turn.
Thank goodness I didn't have to drink twice for this one because honestly, I had already had way too many more sips than I would have liked.
"We can change that right now." George said with a smirk and a wink, and I rolled my eyes at his behavior.
"Never have I ever had sex with anyone in this circle." The guy to her right said with a smirk. He had previously drunk on the kissing part, but I guess just to further the trend he decided on that one.
I took a quick sip of my drink, though I noticed Connor took a long swig of his while making eye contact with me.
I'll admit, I was pretty drunk, but I think everyone in the circle was. I don't know why Mitchell and I had played the game as long as we had, probably the clouded judgement of alcohol which would surely be followed by the hangover of regret the next morning.
I was not blind to the slight tensing of Mitchell's body as both Connor and I drank to that question though he knew we had been involved before.
"Never have I ever gotten back with my ex." The next guy said, laughing and fist bumping the dude next to him.
I watched as Connor took a long swim of his drink, though I did not. A reoccurring trend from the night, Connor had had way much more to drink than I, so I couldn't imagine the state of incoherence he was in.
The game continued on past Mitchell and I who both done slightly ridiculous never have I evers to which not many people drank.
And then of course, it got back in the circle to George. He glanced toward me briefly before saying very confidently, "Never have I ever dated someone while still having feelings for an ex."
My hand twitched on my cup as my gaze-and Mitchell's- was drawn to Connor who had dramatically tipped the rest of the contents of his cup back into his mouth while my grip on my red solo cup simply tightened, causing it to crunch slightly.
"You know you're supposed to drink to something you have done, Hallie." George stated, calling me out very publicly in the circle.
"Ah but I haven't dated anyone while having feelings for my ex, George." I replied firmly.
"Oh but I think you have." George replied with a smirk. "In fact, I think that's what you're doing right now." He finished venomously.
"That is not what's happening right now," I replied rather quickly and certainly defensively.
"Oh yeah? Then prove it." George dared with a raised eyebrow and the ultimate checkmate. "Kiss Connor, and tell us you don't feel anything."
"I'm not kissing Connor." I replied, "I'm dating Mitchell." I replied reaching for his hand, but I was met with the ultimate shock when he pulled his hand out of my grip.
"Go ahead and d-do it, Hallie. If you're really over him it shouldn't be a big deal." Mitchell agreed, slightly slurring his words. I knew he was drunk, too drunk to make rational decisions, and maybe too drunk to remember everything that happened tonight.
"No, I'm not kissing Connor, and that's final. That would prove nothing," I replied to Mitchell, though the anger in my voice was directed at George.
"Afraid?" George questioned, smirking again. He knew he was pushing me further and further into a position where I'd have no moves left, and he was certainly dominating the board.
"No." I replied quickly, "but I don't have to prove anything to you."
"What's wrong with kissing me, Hallie?" Connor asked, finally joining the conversation. He, too, was slurring his words, and the s's in kissing were really drawn out.
"I'm in a relationship, Connor." I replied, slightly aggravated as George's plan just played out exactly how he wanted it to.
"Well then take a pass, Hallie. It's not a big deal-" Mitchell said off-handedly though he was glaring daggers at Connor.
"Not a big deal? For me to kiss someone else while we're dating? Really Mitchell?" I questioned him, my irritation weeping through. That and the emotional drunk tendencies I had was fueling my anger to a level beyond normal.
"See Hallie? Mitchell's fine with it, so just do it... unless you're scared." George continued taunting me.
"And why would I be scared, George? Do enlighten me."
"Scared that Connor will kiss you and you'll find yourself falling for him again, if you haven't already," George theorized with a laugh, "Or maybe... scared that you won't be able to stop kissing him."
"It's just a kiss, Hallie. If you're really over him you'd have no problem doing it." Mitchell said.
"C'mon Hallie, just kiss me- no big deal," Connor added.
"Yeah Hallie, just a kiss- no big deal. Just do it-" George added.
"Stop," I interrupted him, "I'm not kissing Connor. I don't have anything to prove to any of you. I'm in a committed relationship with Mitchell, and I shouldn't have to do something stupid like kiss my ex to prove that I'm 'really over him.' That's like middle school shit.
I turned to George, "You are such an antagonizer- no, you're a bully, George. You're mean, you're hateful and spiteful, and nobody likes it- nobody thinks it's funny, so if I were you I'd start learning how to not be an asshole 24/7.
"And you," I turned to Connor, "I know you're drunk out of your mind right now, but that gives you no excuse to act like him." I said as I pointed to George, "Don't be an ass, Connor, you're better than that." At least Connor had the decency to look ashamed.
And finally, I turned to my own boyfriend, "And you, I'm with you- I'm dating you, and I'm not a cheater, okay? I trust you, and I expect you to trust me by not trying to force me to kiss my ex at a stupid party just to reassure you that I'm over him, that's stupid and childish." I shook my head at all of them, disappointment filling me mostly for Mitchell and Connor, sadly because I expected so much from George, but not them.
I turned around to walk away, and heard my name called from behind me.
It wasn't George. It seemed as though I'd shocked him into silence for at least a moment. It also wasn't Connor, he was barely standing up by himself.
"Hallie, babe, wait-" Mitchell said as he walked after me.
"No, don't- I just need a minute to myself." I told him and stormed off to find my support group, comprised of Lani and Miles.
When I reached them, they weren't far away, their sympathetic faces told me all I needed to know that they had heard everything and already knew the story.
"Good for you, standing up for yourself like a bad bitch." Lani told me and pulled me in for a side hug, "we don't take shit from men in this group."
Miles nodded in agreement though he was one. He then pulled me in for a hug too, "It's probably just the alcohol talking, that's no excuse, but maybe keep that in mind when deciding what level of bitch you wanna be to Mitchell when he's begging for forgiveness."
I wasn't all too thrilled to be talking to Mitchell or Connor anytime soon. In fact, my mood for the night had mostly been killed by that altercation. "I think I'm gonna call myself an Uber and just go home." I told Miles and Lani, "See you guys later."
After much mental debate with myself I decided as angry as I was, I should still go tell Mitchell I was leaving.
"Hey, I'm catching an Uber home." I told him when I walked up to him. After the argument, the Never have I ever circle disbanded and turned into smaller groups of tower cliques. Mitchell was currently talking with some guards from seven.
He gave me a blank stare, "Okay." He said, and turned back to the group of people he had been talking to.
I rolled my eyes at his childish behavior and walked up the beach and to the front of the house where my Uber was waiting.
+++
Once I got home, a part of me wanted to sleep this terrible night off, but the other part of me needed to wait until Mitchell got home to go to sleep.
As much as I would have liked to paint it as me being worried for his safety, I supposed I was being a sort of hypocrite earlier when I called him out for not trusting me. It was exactly what I was doing now, not trusting him.
I was staying up to make sure he didn't come back too late, to make sure he did come home... and to make sure he didn't bring anyone with him.
I had waited for an hour, when I heard a brushing noise against my window. I looked over to see someone throwing sand at it, and once I opened it I looked down to see Connor picking up another handful of sand.
"Connor?" I asked quietly, "why are you here?"
"Can we talk?" He asked back.
I nodded, then rolled my eyes slightly as I pulled my head back in the window before grabbing his hoodie from the other night out of my closet and going down to meet him.
Once I got outside, I asked him once again why he was here.
"I rode my bike here-" he said, still slightly slurring his words, but much more coherent than he had been an hour ago at the party.
"Connor, you're drunk. That's so dangerous." I scolded him, making sure to keep quiet because my mom was inside asleep and probably assumed I was too.
"I know, but I had to see you and tell you that I'm an idiot." He said, looking down at his feet.
"You are." I confirmed, which drew a small smile to his lips.
"I shouldn't have drank so much, I'm already regretting it, and it was wrong of me to try to pressure you into- you know." He continued, "So I'm sorry."
"I accept your apology," I replied with a smile of my own. Over the past hour, sitting awake and waiting for Mitchell, my mind has begun to wander. I knew it was all a part of George's scheme, but I couldn't help the seeds of doubt he'd placed in my mind. Was I scared?
"And, I'm sorry for ignoring you the past week, and not responding to your texts... I needed time." He said quietly, not looking at me.
"I understand." I responded quietly.
"I realized that, I need you in my life. I don't care how, but I need you-" Connor said trailing off. "You're my- my best friend."
"I need you in my life too, Connor." I replied honestly. I was slightly shocked I'd said it. There were few people in my life that I needed- wanted as constants. There were many replaceable people in my life, but it wasn't until now when I realized that Connor was not one of them. Maybe it wasn't the time for the two of us to be together, maybe it never would be the time again, because maybe we'd missed that opportunity, but you never forget your first. And very few people are fortunate enough to keep their first love in their life. "More than you know," I added slowly and quietly, just like the rest of our conversation had been.
It was silent between us for a moment, but the silence was filled with electricity cackling and waves crashing on the beach. All the unspoken words and the things I'd never told him chose that moment to reintroduce themselves in my brain, reminding me of last summer, and when I turned to look at him, finding him already staring back at me, everything became real.
And just as suddenly as I realized that I needed him, I remembered who else I needed... Mitchell.
And I'd just gotten Mitchell back, and I wasn't ready to lose him again.
So as Connor's hand reached up to cup my cheek and he leaned in close to me, parting his lips slightly, I knew I had a decision that needed to be made in that moment.
Because sometimes beautiful things aren't meant to work out.
So I leaned back.
Suddenly remembering the sweatshirt I had hanging on the crook of my arm, I pushed it into his chest as I took a step back, and then another, and then another. And I said the words that succeeded in breaking my heart once again, "I don't think we should talk- or see each other- anymore, Connor."
I watched the confusion swarm his gaze as he glanced down at the fabric I'd shoved into his chest, and the slight panic and sadness that settled in as he realized it was his hoodie.
"Hallie, I-I'm sorry. It was a heat of the moment thing, I swear I won't do it again." He pleaded, looking at me with wide eyes.
"It doesn't matter, Connor. Still I don't think that we can be friends anymore." I told him, shaking my head and praying for the tears not from fall from looking at his pained expression.
"Please, Hal. It was the tequila I swear. Can we please just blame it on that?" Connor asked helplessly, "Don't shut me out, please."
"Connor, I have to." I told him, my voice slightly cracking. "it's the only way either of us can move on."
And it was true. The only way I could truly be ready to start my chapter with Mitchell was by closing this one with Connor. Because as great as it sounded, being friends with an ex, was not possible.
I watched as Connor searched his mind to try and think of a response, an argument, or a plea that would convince me I was being over dramatic, to convince me we could be exes that stay friends. But I think deep down he knew that we could never just be friends, so we would have to be nothing at all.
"Goodbye Connor." I said with a sad smile, and walked back inside.
Though a part of me felt like I'd just ripped my heart out and threw it in the ocean, another part of me felt like I'd done the right thing by choosing Mitchell. Time would tell.
I'd spent so long wondering what went wrong with Mitchell, just wishing to see him one more time, and now that I had him I sure as hell wasn't letting him go. We'd never dated, but I still considered Mitchell to be my first love. If only I had realized earlier, maybe we could have been together this whole time...
So... Connor is gone,,, for now... what do y'all think?