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. . . There's too much pain I can't let go hidden in scars I'll never show. . .
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CHAPTER 13
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“No, huh?”
I rolled my eyes and turned around. The hallway on the fiftieth floor was empty as always. I was headed to take Nara from Dayeon and Taeyong’s room and unfortunately I had someone on the tail again while the rest were still trying to get informations from the stubborn Japanese woman. Jaemin walked behind me with a smirk on his face, hands buried in his pockets as he approached with slow steps.
“No...” I confirmed with a nod, never changing my tone or glare to less cold while I spoke and looked at him. “Let me repeat: don’t put your hopes up, sweetie!” I faked a smile making it look as obvious as possible while the last word came out of my mouth too sarcastically even for my liking, but I didn’t care to sound any less annoyed, rude or cold. “I would never date you...” I mumbled lowly.
My eyes stayed focused on his in a stern glare, while he was just staring at me like everything I said was a joke, with a mocking sparkle in his eyes as he stepped closer to me, so suddenly that I backed off immediately, eventually finding myself trapped between him and a cold wall with no escape.
My heart thundered in my chest and I gulped in nervousness. I was a fighter, I had the skills and at least enough strength to push him away. But everytime I found myself trapped my strength left me, my whole body weakened and I felt like my legs were shaking as fear and panic overtook my brain. I felt powerless and once again memories I thought I buried in the past came to the surface intoxicating my mind.
“Hmm... strange...” Jaemin hummed in thoughts, his low and smoky voice caused me to shiver under his gaze and I tried my all to look as strong and fearless as ever in front of him. A smirk made its way to his lips. Both of his hands resting next to my head as he lowered his face to my eye level. “You seemed to enjoy it so much last night.”
I gulped remembering the happenings from last night, every single look and every single touch, every feeling that came along with it and every sparkle of lust and desire that I felt so strongly for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it all, but this wasn’t about it.
Yesterday was yesterday, he didn’t threaten me to expose the whole gang. And now was a new day and I couldn’t look at him the same way anymore. I regretted ever laying my eyes on him and even more bringing him here. I was aware that I caused my efforts to go in vain with bringing him here and now it was time to stop.
Jaemin leaned close to my ear, his breath steady as it hit my earlobe and another rush of shivers went down my spine. I closed my eyes trying to stabilise my abnormal breathing without showing it, but he wasn’t helping at all. “Should I remind you love?” Jaemin whispered seductively and I could imagine the half grin on his lips before I felt something soft on my neck just below my left ear.
He was kissing my neck and I didn’t like it even a little bit. A wave of memories flowed in front of my eyes and I felt the panic rising. My heart was pumping two times the amount of blood more than usual, my palms covered in cold sweat and I foresaw what was going to happen to me— a panic attack...
My hands rose up to his chest trying to push him away in any way, but he wouldn’t even budge. Instead he pressed his body harder against mine, hands stroking every inch of my body. The soft butterfly kisses he left down my neck and shoulder involved teeth and I felt as he sucked on my skin between my neck and collarbone hard, making me hiss in pain.
It won’t hurt kitten, you know I would never hurt you...
You've been a bad girl today! You need to receive a punishment...
“Jaemin stop!” My voice came out a lot weaker than I planned it to be and I knew the flashbacks were at fault for that. That voice was still fresh in my mind even after years and at that moment it was so loud in my head that I couldn’t take it. The pictures were so visible in my head and too real it made me sick, every bone in my body twisted at the memories and I needed to get away from it as soon as possible, but Jaemin obviously wasn’t going to let me.
Every forced touch and kiss against my skin made my stomach twirl. All of it was too similar to the one’s I was afraid of and it all drowned me in more disgusting memories. My body was giving up, I was at the edge of losing myself completely. I wasn’t sure how long would I be able to control my panic in front of him, but for my luck it all stopped fast.
Someone cleared their throat at the end of the hallway, it was loud enough to make Jaemin stop and pull away from my neck and once he did I pulled my hair in front of my shoulders covering the hickeys he left on my skin. “You two better get a room.” My hand moved to my chest as Jaemin stepped away from me talking something my ears couldn’t reach anymore before he entered the elevator.
I didn’t realize I hadn’t been breathing until he was out of sight and the moment he was gone I could finally allow myself to breathe. I didn’t care to hide from the ravenette approaching me, I couldn’t keep pretending any longer. I let my legs give up on me and the episode of panic overtook me completely. I breathed in and out heavily and I didn’t notice that tears had been building up in my eyes from the lack of oxygen.
Though I didn’t have the strength to stand anymore my knees didn’t hit the ground. Instead I was pulled in a hug and supported until I could stand on my own again. “It’s okay... He won’t hurt you Ji...” Mark spoke lowly as he stroke my hair to calm me down and it seemed to work. I gripped his shirt tightly in my sweaty palms and I closed my eyes while regulating my breathing once again.
He was a man, I was supposed to fear him too in that moment, I always feared them all when I had panic attacks. But he always had his way of affecting me positively. And this time breathing in none other but his scent calmed me way faster than any pills I had taken before.
It took time for me to get a hold of myself, but Mark didn’t seem to mind that while he was still protectively holding me in his embrace. And once it was all over and I managed to chase away the traumatic experience off my mind I pulled away, suddenly noticing his reaction to my panic attack.
He didn’t know I had episodes of panic attacks, he didn’t know what I've been through, how did he know I thought Jaemin was going to hurt me?
I looked up at him in confusion. His eyes focused on mine in worry as he erased the tears from my cheeks. “Are you okay now?” He questioned and I couldn’t help but doubt how much he knew about me. It was supposed to be only Jina and Taeyong that knew, but did he too?
“You know...” I mumbled. “... about—” My voice got caught in my throat. I could never say that name again, only shiver and stutter in fear at the thought of it.
“I know... I've known for long enough now...” He mumbled staring at the ground and I wasn’t sure if I felt sad and even more vulnerable with more people knowing or I was just glad I didn’t have to hide from him too. But one thing was for sure, it was probably the reason why he understood me the most and didn’t try to stop me with whatever I was doing.
“How?”
“I overheard Taeyong and Jina the last time they tried to hide that you suffered an episode... I'm sorry, I probably shouldn’t know that—”
“Don’t be!” I curved a weak smile stopping him from further apologising. “I'm actually glad I don’t have to hide from you too.”
Mark cupped my cheek with his hand out of a sudden. His ocean eyes were gazing deep into my own and I felt like I was drowning into them. They always did things to my heart I wasn’t aware off and my smile dropped slowly before I gulped, my throat dried off. He looked too serious making me feel a different kind of nervousness. “Don’t ever hide anything from me Ji! I will always be there to protect you.”
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“Are you sure you don’t want to rest first? You know we can leave Nara to Haechan and Jina.”
“I'm fine Mark. Let Jina and Haechan stay with Jaemin. Hanging out with this sweetheart is exactly what I need to completely relax.” I said immediately curving a smile when my eyes moved to Nara following her while she was walking in front of us and playing with her new Barbie doll. The sight of her indeed calmed me down and made me forget about everything.
Mark sighed. “Whatever you say Ji.”
My room was obviously just cleaned. I remembered leaving the bed messy this morning, but now it was all neatly done. But it didn’t take much before Nara jumped on it and messed it up again. I chuckled watching her having fun before taking her arms and making her sit back down. “Watch out dear, you might hurt yourself.”
“Can I keep this doll?” The cutie asked and I nodded, the wide smile never leaving my face. It’s strange how toddlers always managed to put a smile on my face without even trying. And Nara being the good girl she is took my mind off of things so easily. I knew I would miss her once I leave.
“Of course. Dayeon and Taeyong bought it for you, it’s yours.”
“Really?!” I nodded again staring at her cute widened eyes filled with joy. “This doll looks like my mom. I like it.” I looked at the doll. Her mother must’ve been blonde and most probably with blue eyes like hers. I chuckled touching the Barbie doll's hair.
“Your mom must be very pretty. Tell me something about her! Is she good to you?” I smiled as both Mark and I sat down on both sides of the girl on the bed, sharing a quick look. Dayeon said she still hadn’t opened the topic about the girl’s parents that Yuta and Taeyong struggled to find and maybe this way I could get some info from her.
“She is the best mother ever.” The girl started exhilarated. Her cute smile was so wide while she spoke, two little dimples showed on her cheeks and her eyes shone with love. I realized she must have been speaking the truth. “She is very busy, but she always makes time on weekends to spend with me, dad too. And she always buys me the most beautiful dolls.”
“Woah, she sounds really nice. What’s her name?” I asked innocently and when Nara mouthed her mother’s full name, I froze in my place. My eyes widened, locking them with Mark's while both of us stared at each other in shock after receiving the information. But anyway I managed to pull myself together fast and give the girl fake reaction as I smiled widely. “It’s a very beautiful name, dear.”
Then I looked at Mark again, speaking in Korean instead, though I wouldn’t have said anything I shouldn’t in front of the cutie. “Take her to Jina and Haechan, though they are definitely not the best babysitters. I'll call Taeyong.”
The ravenette nodded and took the girl out of my room. I sat there in shock for a short while, my slow mind needed time to process the information, especially since it didn’t make sense and did at the same time. We never knew she had a daughter, but then again we never knew she was married until few days ago either. It shouldn’t have been such a surprise.
On the other hand I got an idea that could help me solve my own problem too. I smirked widely. It was a very beautiful surprise. I got three birds with one stone.
I unlocked my phone and called the leader, waiting just a short while until he answered as coldly as ever. “What is it? If it’s not important you’ll be dead the second I see you!” Yeah, I expected that sentence.
I just smirked even wider. The tone of my voice low and confident as I chuckled before speaking. “Trust me you will like this.”
“What, did the traitor speak up?”
“No, but I got a very valuable information about her.” Before he could ask I stopped him again with a loud “But!” before I kept talking again. “I need a favour for telling you this.”
Taeyong groaned in annoyance. “What do you need money for now? Did you do something stupid again?!”
I rolled my eyes. “I wasn’t about to ask for money Tea-yong!! Though I would accept some insurance, why not.”
“What do you need then?” The leader asked confused. It wasn’t even strange for him to think I would ask for money since I blackmailed everyone in the house for some cash, but he was the biggest victim. Because he had the most money, obviously.
Either way, I planned to use this card for going back home. He wouldn’t have let me until the drugs and money were back in our hands, but now I knew he wouldn’t have another choice but to agree, I had something he wanted and to get it he would grant me a wish.
“Let me go back to Seoul tomorrow!” I said coldly and seriously.
Taeyong was gone for a few seconds before replying and I smiled widely in satisfaction once I heard his cold and dissatisfied “Fine...”
I had a whole plan to run once I returned. I already though about everything to get rid of Jaemin in the most painless way. I was sure Jina and Haechan would cooperate with me, but Jisung and Chenle might be a problem to persuade. Anyway their thoughts weren’t important.
“Manami Tanaka has a daughter which we could use to get answers from the woman.”
“Is that all you got? No name, no place, nothing else?” The leader asked clearly annoyed and not surprised at all. It made me roll my eyes skywards again. He never listened till the end.
I scoffed before raising my voice just a few notes higher. “Calm down cowboy! You didn’t hear me out! Nara... Nara is Manami’s daughter...”
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To be continued. . .