use of drugs mentioned in this chapter
I got better. I was returning to old me, minus quirkiness from my early teen years. My relationship with Bella flourished and I learnt how to control myself a whole lot more. I've stayed at Dani's house for MONTHS and even got to know more about the craft she does and misconceptions people often have with witchcraft. I spent time with my offspring-yes. I said offspring- more and dropped the hate I felt for the way I had even obtained them. I got the courage and approvals from my small friend group- that I now trust I don't have to repeat their names- to move out and into my own home. I was genuinely ecstatic about that one. The main reason being that I had space for myself, not because it was nearly 6 miles away from the rest of civilization. I was improving on everything a whole lot more from the eyes of everyone I know. except for my mom of course. One thing I do know is that the reason I improved on everything they've noticed me improving on is due to the fact I can put up a much better façade.
Because just like everything that they've mentored me on, BELIEVING that I was coping. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS A FUCKING LIE.
Now, trust me on this one.
I tried to genuinely get my shit together the times I was at home - because meetings and interviews and shit- by boxing and any physical activity... but that almost always either ends up in me fracturing a part of myself and/or breaking the object or something in my house. For example, I had to buy 3 punching bags over the course of 2 weeks because I got too carried away; and one of my cousins were over one day. Imagine the fright he had and me trying to convince him to calm down. The last cleansing ritual they did on me was probably 3 weeks ago. The same time I began to take heroin. The same day I moved into my own house. As weird as it may sound, it brought back my appetite for the most part. I say that because there are a couple of days I would literally hold back myself from going ballistic because I craved to kill someone. The demon in me didn't reside completely. It was weakened but not weak enough because of the days when the aforementioned urges came I had the most psychotic thoughts and breakdowns ever. On those days I avoided calls from 1 pm to 1 am the following day. The most recent one of them was yesterday and HERE I AM TODAY looking as good as ever.
I looked in the mirror as finalized my outfit for this evening, putting on a tiny bit of makeup before deciding not to put in the brown contact lenses. I opened a compartment in the wall and eyed the drugs. 16 year old me would be so devasted.
I didn't have a variety of options per se, and I guess that's the good part. Just a couple prescriptions, heroin and cocaine... it's not an everyday thing, I swear.
I took out a bit of coke hastily got it over with. I tilted my head back when I was done and wiped away the few tears threatening to cascade down my cheeks. I smiled that realistic smile before heading out the house and to Dani's to pick Bella up. It was her birthday after all and I decided to treat her and our 'clique' to a night out.
I waited a while in Dani's driveway until the two exited the house. To say that Bella looked stunning was so much of an understatement. Even with her baby bump. glad I can call her mine for the meantime.
"You look amazing," I leaned over and kissed her and her belly before following behind Dani's car, being that she'll get my cousins and Shawn.
"You look even more beautiful." her cheeks flushed then she furrowed her brows looking at me. I kept my eyes ahead of me but could still see her in my peripheral vision.
She put her hand on my flushed cheeks then decided to comment. "Wait, Were you crying? Are you scared of something? Why do you look so flush-"
"I'm fine Bella. You have nothing to worry about I just.. felt hot." I lied perfectly and gave a fake reassuring smile. Just enough to crinkle the eyes.
She furrowed her brows in confusion before rolling down her long sleeves and putting the a/c a few degrees higher. I restrained a chuckle before she glanced at me and squinted her eyes.
"Ya nasty," She slapped my arm and chuckled, I forced a chuckle also. "I already know that's on the agenda." She whispered the last part in my air and I slammed on my brakes, realizing Dani had stopped at the house. Alexa, play birthday s*x.
Bella laughed and clapped her hands in amusement. I shot her a look that said 'You're gonna get it,' then put a hand over my area, knowing that that was happening.
God, can y'all hurry up.
"Girl, hurry what up. Wait, is there something on your nose?"
She reached to touch it but I quickly checked the mirror and wiped off my nose.
"Ha, I guess I can't sneak in a snack before dinner if my life depended on it." I shook my head and sat back, starting the car up when I saw the doors from Dani's car closed.
We drove in silence for a good 5 minutes before she started to ask question after question. She had so much to ask and talk about despite the fact we saw each other some days ago. And she was the queen of bringing up random facts and asking random stuff.
"You're in a really good mood tonight. Is there something I'm missing out?" She quirked one brow up and I forced a chuckle.
"Well, it is your night. I want you to have the best time ever and I know your energy can be affected by mine. So, no negativity from me shall do the trick." I added in a convincing laugh.
She smiled and held my available hand, rubbing i for a while before she slowed down.
"Y'know, I never thought I could get pregnant again," she paused. "You.. you don't mind that I keep-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there." I shot her a quick glance. "Don't let any man nor woman dictate whether or not you keep your baby. They're not the ones carrying it. I believe the child is meant to be here for something."
I glanced at her again before pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant we're to dine in.
"I love you alright?" I turned off the engine and put on the light. "Don't hurt yourself or any part of you. Don't ever second guess how wonderful every aspect of you are as an individual. Te Quiero mucho." I leaned over and kissed her, gently wiping her tears away.
"I love you too." She rested her forehead on mine then kissed me again.
We pulled away just before someone came knocking at my window. I looked at who was at the window and rolled my eyes. I flipped her off as she skipped away then laughed along with Bella.
I knew it would be nearly 10 more minutes until I really felt the effects of the drug kicking in. Until then I was just listening to the conversation at our table and laugh when others did. Minutes later I found myself wanting to get into the discussion. I wasn't masking happiness now.
Whatever the opioids stimulated, did me a favour. I know they were probably curious about how fucking wide my pupils were but I was too busy giggling to give it much attention.
I hadn't even realised when the waiter was taking orders.
"And you ma'am? Woah, hold your horses." He tried to joke and I awkwardly chuckled. "What can I get you tonight." He was eyeing me a bit. Douche.
"I'm getting the exact fucking same thing as my lady, here," points at Bella, "got. Along with a try-not-to-hit-on-me!-will-ya! Card." I smiled and he pouted.
"Got it. Can't blame a guy for trying." He walked off with a nod.
We all giggled and I wiped away some stray tears. A few more jokes, and a glass of water later, I found myself wanting to use the bathroom. It wasn't until I was passing some of the patrons in the restaurant that it occurred to me, we should have gotten a private table. Oh well.
I went in, peed, tucked and got out the stall quickly since no one was in there. As I was washing my hands, I felt a strong wave of euphoria pass through me. I stopped moving my hands, let the pipe run and tilted my head back a bit. A couple of minutes passed and all I could feel was the bliss. It was no time for me to be out there so I got back into my stall and sat on the toilet cover until it was at least halfway down for me to go back out. If people were to see through stalls, they'd be creeped out by seeing me staring blankly ahead while in my head a kaleidoscope was going on. I would definitely be hearing them thinking yup she's on crack. So to that, I hoped the high wouldn't last 15 minutes.
I was so glad when I barely lasted 10. I got up, steadied myself and went to wash my hands again.
I returned to the table minutes before the food arrived and continued to engage in their discussion. They kept trying to make me the centre of the discussion for a while but I would always turn it back on someone else. Eventually, they gave up trying and I felt satisfied. On top of that, my high was dying down and I was slowly developing a headache.
I began to talk less and build the façade up again, just waiting for the food to arrive now. Bella slid her left hand around my thigh then leaned on my shoulder. I smiled at her gesture and leaned my head on top of hers until I heard the waiter approaching with our food.
I stared at the large plate in front of me and began to honestly question my actions. There were more than a hundred options on the menu, but I was too buzzed to even pick a slice of pizza.
I hadn't even registered how bright this place was until I found myself closing my eyes and slightly shaking my head.
"Zen," Dani called out; I exhaled then looked at her. "Are you ok?"
I laughed and flipped my hair. "As fine as Strawberry wine."
"Good, let's dig in!"
I looked at my food again and forced myself to start eating. I feel like I'm gonna die.
—time skip and graphic scene skip bc I like to skip stuff Idk how to detail.—
Bella and I lay down momentarily. She was catching her breath from what just occurred and I was barely panting. I was actually trying to get my headache to stop. I felt a bit nauseous from eating the food we had, but I forced it to stay down. Maybe laying down wasn't ideal for that.
So I sat up and kept my area covered before I took deep breaths to get the food to stay in my system. Then Bella came beside me,
"Are you still nauseous from the food?" She kept her eyes glued on mine, I nodded. "I think you should go to an ophthalmologist-"
"No, Bella, I'm fine." I grabbed a nearby mirror to look and saw just a bit of brown rimming the pupils. I sighed and closed my eyes, focusing on constricting it. Seconds later I opened them up, and they were a little more hazel with less pupil dilation. "See, I'm good," I put back the mirror and smiled.
She returned the smile before getting up to take a shower. As soon as she was in the bathroom I walked into the closet and got a bathrobe on. I then moved some clothes around to get a wall where another compartment was, searching for the perfect sharp object. Because there were a lot. Different types of knives, razors, even wires from bras because those fuckers can stab.
I must have stood there contemplating for a long while 'cause just when I was about to reach for a holographic object, the bathroom door opened.
I Jumped at hearing her voice, locked the compartment and came out of the clothes. I got a large blouse for her to sleep in and met her right at the closet threshold.
"Thank you! can we watch a movie?"
"We sure can, I'll be waiting downstairs." I half smiled and avoided her gaze as I walked away from her. But she pulled me back and pulled me into a kiss.
As mushy as this would sound, it was probably the only time I felt good in this transition back to a 'normal' life. our lips moved in sync for a good while before I realized it had gotten as far as leaving a couple of hickies on her neck already. She pouted as I pulled away from her and helped to fix her towel around her body once more.
"I'll give you your privacy... you shouldn't want a round two in your current state-"
"Nooo, don't come to me with that b.s." she flicked my arm before I turned around to leave the room.
As I arrived on the couch, I pulled up Netflix -- knowing damn well round two would be soon-- and began to search through the genre she liked most for her favourite movie.
In the midst of searching a couple of things crossed my mind.
ONE. It would be nice to have a puppy. I wouldn't be by myself, he would have an occasional caretaker and lots of space to roam about in.
TWO... For as long as Bella as here I won't be able to do anything around her.
She came down the stairs just a moment later and promptly sat on my lap. she turned to look at me with a smirk then guided my hand up her blouse.
"You're asking for trouble," I mumbled and she turned around.
"Nah. Demanding it? yeah."
This motherf-
Words 2424
It's been a couple of chapters since I included that type of content. It won't e often, I promise. I'm trying to end this book but IDK if I want her to too(die) or figuratively see the light at the end of the tunnel. maybe something kinda tragic, but IDK