I dreamed of him. Again.
It was very unusual.. for the past years all my dreams were filled with all the words I am studying. I always see myself memorizing everything I have learned every time I sleep and in the morning when I wake up, I recall everything and it helped me a lot especially during exam weeks..
But not for the past few nights. Hurricane filled my dreams. It felt so cringe and weird. I don't even know why his face always shows up every time I closed my eyes.
"Why do we dream?" I can't help but asked. I need an answer more than what the science provide.
Ansel looked dumbfounded at my sudden question, "There's many explanation." She simply said. She studied Psychology way back in college, she told me some about dreams but I can't remember it clearly now.
"Like?"
She shrugged, "Well, Freud believed our dreams are wish fulfillments. Unconsciously.."
I stared at her. Unable to comprehend her answer. She must've seen it in my eyes as she sighed, "For example, you are unconsciously thinking of this certain person or thing-then it can appear in your dream, pwede din na in different form."
"I understand, okay?"
I just can't accept the theory. Well, maybe it was right. I've been thinking of Cane because of guilt pero hindi ko lang matanggap na hanggang panaginip ko hahabulin talaga ako.
"Why? You're dreaming of Hurricane?" her grin already visible and teasing.
"No." I answered too fast than usual. Again.
"Ilong mo nahaba, oy."
Hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at binalik nalang ang atensyon ko sa samplex pero wala na talagang pumapasok sa utak ko.
"Hurricane's not a bad guy. Ang pangit lang naman sa kanya ay si Barbara." She frowned, shaking her head lightly.
"Barb's nice." Cyclone interjected. Hindi namin namalayan na nakabalik na pala siya.
"Nice your face."
"She's nice. She's been the best bestfriend to my twin."
"And reason why he's still single, you mean?"
"It's Hurri's choice. She's quite supportive pa nga e especially these past few days," Cyclone's eyes shifted on mine as he said the last words then he winked. Nailing nalang ako.
"Really? Siya?"
"Yeah. She's amazing, I must add."
"Whatever. Change topic."
Here they go again, talking like I'm not here. My eyes wandered at the seat adjacent to mine. It's been empty for a week now. It kinda felt empty.
There's really something wrong with me.
Napabalik ang atensyon ko sa dalawa ng may tumawag kay Cyclone. Para siyang tanga na tumatawa habang nakatingin sakin. Hindi niya sinasagot ng ayos yong kausap niya sa phone.
"Rupok mo." that's the line he kept on saying to the person on the other line. Kung ako yong kauap nababaan ko na si Cy ng tawag.
Maya maya pa umalis sa tabi ko si Ansel at Cyclone. Lumipat sila sa kabilang table, hindi ko na natuloy ang itatanong ko nang may umupo sa upuan sa harapan ko. The seat he always sits on. His usual spot.
"Miss me?" he's smiling again. I'm quite still in daze to see him here. Akala ko galit siya? Kaya siya umiiwas dba?
I remained unmoving. I knew it. There's really something wrong with me, something science cannot explain fully. Something I should be wary of.
He cleared his throat as he get his codal from his bag. Then he cleared his throat again. Lagi niyang ginagawa yon everytime he's uncomfortable. That's what I'd observed.
"I've been a jerk, sorry." He said glancing at me before looking at his codal. His ears red.
"You are?" I finally found my voice.
He shrugged, "I avoided you after that night."
Hindi nalang ako sumagot. Ako dapat yong nahingi ng pasensya pero siya yong nag-sorry. Mas pakiramdam ko tuloy na tama si Ansel. Sa aming dalawa ako yong mas attitude.
"You said it too before.." he carefully continued, I know where this topic will lead us.. to that certain night we both tried to bury, "That night of the graduation party.."
I only nodded. Feeling guiltier by the second.
"I've always been a nuisance to you."
Oh heavens.
"Stop."
Natigilan siya. Napakurap habang nakatingin sakin.
I get it. I've been really harsh with my words sa kanya ever since.
"It's not your entire fault. I hate dramas so stop." I said under my breath as I returned my eyes on my samplex.
Guard. Bakit parang naging math etong binabasa ko? Nahihilo ako sobra.
"Okay.. I'll try being less of a-"
"Just be the way you are." I cut him off. My eyes still on the samplex. I can feel my whole face burning from the sudden emotion I am feeling.
Kinakahiya ko bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko ngayon.
"And sorry."
Tonight. I've proved I have no control on my tongue everytime he's around. Saglit kong tinaas ang tingin ko sa kanya. He's now smiling, looking at his codal before he glanced at me.
"Apology accepted."
That night we studied quietly. I can finally say I am somehow in the middle of peace and confusion.
**
"What if we're not med students? What do you think you're doing today?" Ansel asked out of the blue. We're in Cy's condo. Nagpapa-lobo kami ng mga balloons na gagamitin ni Cy to surprise Ada. It's her birthday today.
I shrugged, "I didn't see myself doing anything aside from the path I am taking right now."
"What if nga lang?"
I paused for a moment. I really don't know what answer to give. All my life settled na ako sa gusto ko. Alam ko na kung anong future meron sakin. Naka-plano na lahat.. kaya parang ang hirap isipin ang sarili ko na may ibang pinu-pursue.
"I.. don't know."
"Boring naman. Ako.. siguro psychologist na'ko. Tapos naikot ko na yong mga underrated island dito sa Philippines. Siguro.. sumunod nalang din ako kay Storm sa ibang bansa tapos maga-apply ako doon tapos magpa-pakasal na kami. Ang dami ko na sigurong nagawa at napuntahan kung hindi ako nag-med.."
I was speechless. She told it so calmly.. like she's dreaming yet regretful and hearing her say those things made me question if everything we sacrificed just to have those two letters attached to our last name is still worth it.
We sacrifice so much of our youth.
We deprive ourselves from having a good night sleep. We missed every occasion or gatherings. We barely see our family. We never even been so carefree except for the times na we party.. we sacrificed our own health just to save lives in the future. Karamihan samin single or nasa failed relationship. Most of my classmates caught their partner na non-med na nagchi-cheat because wala daw silang time for them.
"I want to travel. I want to go on adventures.. explore myself, see.. dati sabe ko I want to have a piano lesson, tapos gusto ko din matuto mag-paint pero ni isa sa mga yon wala akong nagawa.." she continued. Tumigil nadin siya sa pagpapa-lobo.
"Sometimes.. I ask myself, pag tumanda ba ako magiging masaya ba ako dahil naging doctor ako o mag-sisisi kasi ang daming bagay na hindi ko nagawa?"
I really don't know what to say. Wala naman kasi akong ibang pinangarap kundi maging doctor lang. Hobby ko ang pag-babasa at wala na.. kaya I don't feel like I'm losing something in my life.. pero there's something missing, hindi ko 'yon itatanggi.
"It depends."
"On?"
"How you'll see your life."
She smiled. "Yeah. Perspective."
I nodded. "Why did you pursue med in the first place?" tanong ko. Of course, I know her reason.. I just want her to remember it again.. nage-gets ko na napapagod na din siya and all she have to do is to remember why she entered this path we are in.
"I love the smell of the hospital." She grinned. Her reason was really weird pero hindi lang naman siya ang nag-iisa na hindi talaga malalim ang dahilan but that keeps us going.
"Ang dami nating sacrifices. Sobrang mag-aral tapos ide degrade lang tayo ng iba no? Sisigawan, ipapahiya. Na parang nakipag-lokohan lang tayo kena pareng Harrison, Schwartz at Robbins."
I just shrugged. "As long as we do our job."
Napatingin si Ansel sa likod ko bago ngumiti ng malawak, "Hurricane!"
I stopped myself from turning my head. Cy told us na hindi uuwi ngayon si Cane sa condo niya.
"Hey,"
"Dito ka tutulog? We have surprise for Ada."
"Yeah. Nag-dinner na kayo?" he sounds so casual.
"Hindi pa! Aantayin namin sila Cy."
Saglit siyang nawala at pumasok sa kwarto. Napatingin ako kay Ansel na nakatingin na sakin.
"Napapanaginipan mo pa din?"
I rolled my eyes na kinatawa niya. Seconds later lumabas nadin si Hurricane. He sat beside me sa floor. Nangingielam sa mga lobo.
"Ang corny," he commented kaya nakatanggap agad siya ng sipa kay Ansel. It's her idea of course tapos masasabihan lang ng corny!
"Aray! Laos na kasi tong mga pa-lobo."
"Kinikilig padin kami sa lobo!"
Bumaling bigla si Cane sakin, his eyes curious. "Kinikilig ka din sa lobo?"
Umiling ako. I will be happy if someone gives me balloon on my birthday pero not to the point na kikiligin.
"See?"
"Syempre si Chandy yan!"
"So? She's still a woman."
Woman.
"Eh hindi naman niya dream ma-surprise ng mga lobo."
Hurricane cleared his throat, nilaro laro niya yong balloon before asking too nonchalantly, "What then?"
"Dream niya mai-date sa yacht! She's such a girl!" then Ansel pinched my cheek na agad kong pinalis.
What's wrong with that? I've seen dad surprising my mom a date on the yacht on their 30th anniversary. I've told Ansel about it at sobrang namangha talaga siya na may dream date pala ako.
"Mahal naman." Hurricane said, shaking his head.
Maka-react naman siya, as-if siya ang makaka-date ko. Tss.
"Salbabida lang kaya ko." Dugtong niya. Sabay silang tumawa ni Ansel at nag-apir.
I cleared my throat bago tumayo at pumasok sa banyo. Shit. My face's burning again!
**
We waited for Cy and Ada. It's almost 11 pm. Kanina pa sila dapat nandito, hindi naman namin ma-contact ang dalawa. Nauna na kaming kumain. Naka-ilang episode nadin kami sa Netflix wala padin sila.
"You think something happened?" I can't help but asked. Ansel already fell sleep on the sofa. Hurricane and I settled on the floor. Both holding a can of beer.
"Maybe. We knew that 'that something' is bound to happen."
I shrugged. Then it's tragic if it happened tonight.
"She will leave him." he sighed.
"He loved her for years..years. What a waste of time,"
He looked at me, his brow arched. "He kind of messed up.."
Nagkibit balikat lang ulit ako, "Was it really wrong, I mean, hindi naman sila.."
"You tolerate it?"
I rolled my eyes, "I'm not tolerating Cyclone, I'm just.. on his side."
He just smiled as he sipped on the can again. His eyes now on the television. It is really quite surprising to find peace everytime he's around. Even before. I always have to battle with myself whenever he's near.. because he always felt familiar and relaxing at the same time giving me the taste of waves he brought with him. One that is drowning.
He's a storm yet he can also soothe the loud beating of music inside me which he also caused.
It's alarming.
And maybe that's why I always have to shut him off.
"You want another?" he offered when he noticed my empty can. I just nodded.
He opened one for me, "Wait, wala ka bang klase bukas?"
"Meron."
Agad niyang inilayo yong beer kaya agad kong inabot, "Ngayon lang."
He just sighed before opening another for him. "May problema ka?" he asked, concern in his eyes.
I almost laugh in my mind. Ganon ba talaga ako ka-uptight? Na kapag pinili kong uminom may problema agad?
But maybe I really have a problem.. and that problem has a name..
I glanced at him again. He looked like he's thinking of something deeply and I somehow wanted to ask what's on his mind. Weird.
Ang hirap kapag hindi ka naman masalita pero bigla ka nalang na-curious sa isang tao and you somehow actually want to know.. everything or anything about that person pero ang hirap mag-tanong or i-voice out lahat kasi hindi naman ka naman ganon?
May tama na nga siguro ako ng alak.
But it felt like he's the one intoxicating me at the very moment.
"Ako may problema," then he sardonically smiled at the beer.
I cleared my throat, "What?"
"Ang hirap magka-crush." He said glancing at me.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable but I didn't let him see it. My face remained deadpanned as always.
"Why?" I drank the beer, letting it burned my throat to shift the sudden emotion rushing inside me.
He shrugged, "Hindi ordinaryo crush ko." He simply answered smiling at the can like he's looking at the very girl he claims he has a crush on.
And why the hell I am suddenly tempted to throw away the can he's holding?
I am really doomed. "She must be." I found myself answering.
"Yeah?"
I shrugged, "You're not ordinary too."
Lumawak yong ngiti niya.
"Abnormal ka." I added causing him to laugh out loud. And it sounds wonderful.