twenty six
"Do you see yourself with her?" I question dad as we stroll through the isles of the supermarket.
Dad looks at me with a steady smile on his face, pulling a box of rotini noodles from the shelf before chucking it into the buggy. Tonight Christian and I were going to make dinner for dad and Lorelei. Though last nights dinner and movie was quite enjoyable, for some reason, the entire dinner ended up being about how Chris and I were doing in school. We didn't get that much information on Lorelei or the relationship she had with my dad.
"Of course. Why date someone who you don't plan on having a future with? Life is too short and I'm too old to date for the hell of it," he pauses, continuing down the isle. "I always pictured your mother being it for me. Do I think I will love Lorey the way I loved your mother? No. And I say that with the upmost respect for Lorelei. Your mother and I had a love for the ages. I never imagined giving myself to another woman the way I gave myself to her. Lorelei and I both agree. You do know she lost her husband years ago; drunk driver. We understand each other and the trauma losing a loved one embeds."
Dad's lips quiver with more to say but he holds his tongue and proceeds forward. Neither of us spoke a single word on the ride back home. Particularly due to the fact that most of it was spent recalling every insult I'd said in response to my father's love life. Maybe I judged Lorelei too soon and too harshly. Perhaps if I'd skipped the pity party, dad and I could've used that time to strengthen our relationship as he absolved himself of grieve. Lorelei and I could've even built a relationship of our own. She deserved an explanation for my resistance. I thought it only necessary that it happened soon.
At home dad encouraged Chris and I to start dinner early so we'd be able to talk afterwards. Making dinner with my brother turned into insisted blabbering about why I only now understood the reason he dropped the feud against our dad's new love. Most of it I didn't even think he cared to hear. His mind was obviously elsewhere because instead of actually helping me cook, he stood blankly watching me labor. It wasn't until I was preparing to fetch Dad and Lorelei to eat did he finally break his silence.
"You know how I said rumors were going around about you and Professor Thornton? Turns out Meghan heard about it and went to your dorm to confront you."
He goes on to mention how belligerent Meghan showed up demanding answers and even offering up valuable information that Taylor felt necessary to repeat to my brother. Meghan slept with Trevor, not too long ago either. For Christian, an uninterested expression resides on my mug to divert suspicion, but on the inside I ache. What the hell was professor's ex wife doing barging into my dorm to confront me about a man she divorced? Not to mention happens to be in a monogamous relationship with my brother.
My poor brother. He hunches across the island bar, eyes drooped in disparity. "She has no reason to believe those stupid rumors are true. A better question would be why does she care about it so much? She cheated on you. That is unless the two of you broke up."
"That's besides the point, Alex. Taylor told me everything. Everything."
His body language told a story his lips might never utter. He was just as bamboozled as I had been. What was everything? Because there was a lot Taylor hadn't even known. Chris had his mind set on a confession and I knew he'd never let up without one but to confess to one thing would be to confess to it all. Instead I sat idly letting him go on about what he thought he might've known. In time everything would figure itself out. Our main concern should've been correcting the strain with our father and finally getting to know his girlfriend.
Unfortunately for me, I couldn't get the thought of Trevor sleeping with Megan again. Not after everything she'd been putting him through. When? Where? Had it been around the time he and I had our moment?
I felt used.
On account of my lack of response, Christian sighs and finally contributes a little help to the dinner that should've been prepared half an hour ago.
As much as I know my brother tried, avoidance was the least of his qualities. There was something in him that couldn't let the conversation go. Maybe it was because of Meghan and how she managed to wrap him in this entanglement. Despite knowing that letting it go was the best thing to do, I couldn't either.
"Imagine what dad would think," is all I could say but it's enough to convey just how disappointed dad would actually be if he found out about either one of our scandals.
When dinner finished, we gathered around the table to eat. I even traded in my usual seat for the one across from Lorelei so dad would know I was genuinely making an effort to be okay with all of this. For a while we sat occasionally glancing at one another between bites of our dinner trying to pretend the awkwardness didn't exist.
"So," Lorelei says, breaking the silence. "Dinner tastes amazing." Of course it did. I had only mastered Hinkhouse's rotini recipe months ago thanks to Professor Thornton. Since then I made it my own, not that anyone outside of this house would ever know though. Nevertheless, Christian replies with gratitude as if he'd been the reason. "Might need the recipe one day," she smiles.
"Can't. Top secret," I shrug before taking in another bite.
Christian shakes his head at me then changes the topic to Lorelei's children. In all honesty, I wondered what her daughter thought of me now or if she had ever told her mother about the dysfunction between her and I. Maybe Lorelei secretly hated me for everything that happened between her daughter and I and this was her way of retaliation. Whatever it might've been, the urge to keep her and her problematic children away from my family only festers.
That is until she mentions her own strained relationship with her daughter for similar reasons as I towards my dad. For a moment guilt slithers up my spine. How difficult it must've been for Trinity to lose her father the way she had. So sudden and without warning. Lorelei continues on about the fact that at fifteen Trinity had to cope with the death of her father and she took it harder than anyone. Fighting, drugs, and skipping school. It was only until senior year that she turned it all around.
I'm reminded of the moments I last saw her with tears streaming from her eyes as she raced out of the church we held my mother's funeral in. Her stonewall facade couldn't stand a chance against all the grief and suffering buried inside her. The wrenching in my gut, the weak laboring breaths daring to escape and the hollowness in my chest aches as I recall the drama my friends and I pulled her in during one of the worst chapters of her life. Perhaps I owed more than one member of that family an apology.
Once dinner was finally over, dad appoints himself and Christian to clean and clear the table. Though he tried his best to be discreet, his true motives was obviously getting his girlfriend and I alone which in theory may have been the best option. I was all for reconciliation but when it came to situations that had the ability to affect multiple people, procrastination always prevailed.
We idly make towards the family room, her taking the lead. I watch her finds the way around our house as if she'd already made it home long before I had knowledge of her. Once she settles herself on the sofa, she lets out a sharp exhale and tucks one leg under her bottom.
"Feels like I'm headed for the boss's office," she says and though I don't comment on it, I'm almost offended until she proceeds. "You're very intimidating which is understandable when you have a father like yours." I reply with a dismissive shrug as if I hadn't been giving her the cold shoulder for the past hour and a half. It was the best I could do without completely changing my heart of reconciliation to utter disapproval. Nevertheless, to lessen the anticipation, I sit across from her in my father's LaZboy chair and make myself as comfortable as I could. "Let's just cut straight to the chase then. I love your father."
Her words made me cringe. I might've even flinched the second they hit the air but I hold my stiff composure on the sofa to let her continue. She tells me how my dad is the first man she's been able to have an intimate relationship with after losing her ex husband. About how before they were involved she could barely survive a day without a complete meltdown. I believe it because my dad went through the exact same thing. Now it's me trying not to let it turn me into a pile of mush.
"Believe me when I say the last thing I expected to happen when I met your dad was falling in love with him. Not to mention introducing him to my children which I've never had to do." Lorelei rants. She goes on about how she would have never gotten involved with him if she knew it was going to upset both families to this extent. It was only after they'd become serious that she realized being with another man might be a little difficult for them to digest. Apparently they both tried ignoring their feelings for one another but it never lasted.
"I want to be honest with you, Lorelei," I speak, finally allowing the tension locked in my shoulders to fall. "When I first heard about you and my dad, I didn't like it. Even now a part of me feels like I should be doing more to prove to my mom that this doesn't mean she's replaceable."
"My intention is never to replace her or even come close to it. Your mom will always be your father's true love. He told me that himself. I can't blame him because between us girls, if I had another chance with my husband, I'd take it without a second thought."
I want to tell her that I understood because I expected nothing less from my dad but I don't get the chance because my dad comes strolling into the family room with a full frontal smile on his face.
"The kitchen is done. Chris wanted me to tell you that he needs to speak with you upstairs, Alex.z Lorelei, can you meet me outside, please?"
Giving my dad a nod, I rise from the sofa and make towards the way upstairs but Lorelei stops me once the both of us are free of my father's presence. She gives my arm a soft squeeze to catch my attention and then flashes a toothless smile.
"Before we call it a night, there's something I want you to know. It's about your father," she probes, dropping her voice to a whisper. Her tone sparks my interest so I remain quiet to allow her to finish. "I probably shouldn't even be telling you this, but it's important. Your dad isn't doing too well. Not as well as he's letting on. I've been trying to get him to see someone because I'm concerned. He's severely depressed and he's in denial about needing help."
She stood waiting for a response but nothing was coming out. What could I say in response to her? When I had reached my all time low, it was my mother that helped me dig myself out of the grave I'd prepared for myself. My throat felt like sandpaper as I tried swallowing the lump forming in it.
"I'm not looking for a response," she says, laying a soft hand on my shoulder. "But I knew I needed to let one of you know because your father has a habit of sweeping his well-being beneath the rug."
My dad hollers for Lorelei from the front porch. She jumps in a fright before grabbing her winter coat from the coat rack.
"I-um. I'm sure if he says he's okay there's nothing to worry about. My dad is a pretty strong person. He just needs time to accept this new transition in his life," I say, but even I have trouble accepting that possibility. My father openly admitted his feels for Lorelei to my face so clearly he had no problem transitioning. But the idea of my father's instability didn't seem realistic either.
Maybe it was horrible, but I never imagined my dad depressed. Much less to the point professional help was advised. Dad grieved over my mother of course, but in the normal way you'd expect someone to react after losing a spouse. He spent long mornings in bed, skipped several dinner's that were always prepared by me. And still somewhere in the midst of that, he managed to raise two grieving teenagers through high school. Before Lorelei could say anything, Chris hollers my name from the top of the staircase waiting for me to finally join him in whatever he needed from me.
"Coming," I yell back, focusing my attention on Lorelei once more. "We'll talk about this later."