#NewClassicILIB
Chapter 23
Happiness
After how many years since that night, I couldn't believe we were here again. In this dark night, we were two broken souls who met each other. I didn't know if it was a right or wrong timing. But honestly, I was just glad to see him again.
The man I love was hurting and I wanted to be there for him. Though I wasn't really sure if I could be of help to him―if I could make him whole when I was also broken inside, but I'd do my best like what he did before.
He comforted me―years ago―at the same place as where we are tonight. He managed to make me smile when I was feeling down. And when my mother died, he might not be aware that his presence caused me more pain, but I knew he only did that to comfort me―to make me feel like I wasn't alone.
On that starless night sky, he was the only star who tried to shine on me. He tried to give me light, but I was blinded with pain to see it. My world was filled with darkness as I had my eyes closed.
Now that he's the one who needed support and maybe someone to confide to, I would do my best to comfort him and give him back what he had given me. I'd try my best to be the person whom he used to be in my life.
I tried to peek a glance at Isaiah who was still quiet. His back was leaning on the bench's backrest, while he was staring straight into distance.
When I cautiously approached him earlier, I sat on the bench next to his. I didn't dare to sit right next to him. I made sure that to give him enough personal space. He knew me as just a fan, and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.
As I already got a good look at him, I averted my eyes and just stared at the playground. The profound silence reigned between us. Being with him here―with just the two of us―felt awkward, yet surprisingly familiar.
"It's been weeks since I last saw you." Isaiah was the one who broke the silence between us. "You're still on break from the fandom?"
Ngumuso ako. I wasn't really sure how to answer that, so I just said, "You can say that..."
Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong idagdag na sabihin kaya nanahimik na lamang ako. It was so bold of me to decide to comfort him when I didn't have any idea how to start doing so.
"I didn't know you live in this subdivision..." He found another topic to talk about right away.
I smiled bitterly.
Of course he wouldn't know because he couldn't remember me anymore.
"I've been living here all my life," I told him, my voice soft and quiet.
"We used to live here, too," he said, sharing me a piece of his private life. "I used to come here at night to write songs. It's peaceful here at night."
I know that... Sinabi niya na rin 'yan sa akin noon. He told me that it was his hobby. And that night, when we met for the first time, I became his inspiration. He wrote and composed Smile for me.
"Ganoon ba?" I acted nonchalant―like I didn't know about it.
"Yeah..." His voice became huskier as he whispered.
Once again, the atmosphere was filled with quietness. It made me hear the beating of my heart in full swing. It was getting louder and louder as I drowned deeper into silence, only to be pulled up again to the surface by Isaiah.
"How are you, by the way?" he asked me.
I bit my lower lip. He even had the courage to ask me, when he was also hurting like me. He suddenly reminded me of my brother who would always put me first.
"Getting better..." I answered.
I might not be okay yet, but I was slowly going back on the right track. It was a progress that I was proud of after being down the slump and losing my way.
I turned my head to face him and asked, "How about you?"
His lips parted. It was like he wasn't expecting that I'd ask him about his feelings.
He chuckled and bowed his head down. "I don't know..." he vaguely answered my question. "I don't know if I should lie or tell the truth."
May kirot akong naramdaman sa aking puso. For a second, I regretted asking him. I didn't want him to think that I was prying into his feelings. Ayokong maisip niyang nanghihimasok ako sa kanya. I should've just let him open up to me―if he would―instead of asking him.
"Am I okay?" he asked himself as he lifted his head to look up to the sky. "I know I'm not okay, but I'm trying to be..."
Biting my lower lip, since I didn't want to see his pained expression, I also averted my gaze away from him.
"Have you ever experienced falling in love?" he suddenly asked a question which caught me off guard.
Yes.
I fell in love with you and I still do―but I can't tell you that.
Zipping my lips, I didn't answer his question. I was afraid that I might slip a tongue and accidentally tell him how I truly feel about him. He didn't pressure me to answer, though. I guessed he was also lost on his own thoughts and feelings that he didn't care about it.
"I met her years ago..."
My heart hammered against my chest and my eyes widened as I realized that he was really opening up to me. I wasn't sure if he trusts me enough to keep his secret or if he just really didn't have anyone to talk to about his heartbreak, so he had no choice but to tell me about it.
"She is my sister's best friend."
"Blair..." I couldn't stop myself from saying the name of the person he was talking about.
At first, Isaiah was slightly taken aback when he heard me say Blair's name. But then, he just smiled and licked his lower lip.
"Right..." He nodded his head lightly. "I almost forgot that you're a friend of her."
My eyes widened. I didn't expect that he would know that. Though I wasn't sure myself if I was really a friend of Blair or just an acquaintance. Pagkatapos ng concert ay hindi na kami nakapag-usap na dalawa. Kahit na mayroong subject kung saang magkaklase kami ay hindi kami nagpapansinan. Hindi ko rin naman naisip na kausapin siya. She also didn't bother approaching me.
"She told me that you were partners for a case digest before," he explained how he knew my vague relationship to Blair.
"Uh, oo..." sabi ko na lang kahit bahagyang nanunuyo na ang aking lalamunan.
"So, yeah..." He breathed out deeply. "I had been courting her for years already. Though I wouldn't really describe it as courting, but I've been loving her for a long time now."
I didn't know how I managed to keep a straight face, while the man I love was telling me about his romantic feelings for another woman. The lyrics of the song they just released suddenly hit so different to me. Mas lalo kong naramdaman ang sakit sa bawat salitang nakasulat sa kanta.
"She's often misunderstood by other people, but I know her well..." he said. "She's an amazing woman. She could be feisty and intimidating, but the reason why she's like that is because she grew up to be independent. Her parents aren't always at home as they live overseas. She's close to my family because my mom always wants to invite her since she's always alone."
I didn't know anything about Blair, but the way Isaiah described her, it really seemed like he knew her so well. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay mas lalo ko siyang nakilala.
"I courted her by being by her side whenever she needed me. I let her feel my love for her as much as I could. I believed that it's what she needs. We had a mutual understanding. And believe me, I was already satisfied with that because she wasn't ready for anything serious yet," he continued. "However, due to the nature of my work, I couldn't be with her all the time, especially during our tour. I was out of the country for months."
I absentmindedly shook my head.
Distance and the time spent together shouldn't matter if she really loved him. Because how could Isaiah stay in love with her? Why couldn't she do the same thing, right?
"When she told me that she feels like falling for someone else, I was willing to sacrifice everything for her..." he said, and I could feel that he was slightly hesitating to tell me about it. "I was willing to leave the band and quit the entertainment world to focus on nurturing our relationship."
There was a feeling of betrayal inside me. As a fan who dedicated myself for the band before the tragedy, it felt like I got betrayed though he really didn't do it. Knowing that he could do it easily, slapped me real hard.
I witnessed how much he enjoyed performing on the stage and making music. Every time he smiled, closed his eyes, held on the mic, and played his guitar or piano as he sang―I could remember it all. To think that he was willing to drop everything for Blair, I realized that I underestimated his feelings for her. It was way beyond than I expected.
"She gave me a chance to properly show her my feelings. She didn't want me to quit the band." He bit his lower lip for a second and took a deep breath. "But I guess it's not enough..."
He lifted his hand and acted like he was holding on to something, when he was just reaching out to nothing but air. I wanted so bad to take his hand, hold him, and fill in the gap. However, I stopped myself. I couldn't do it. It felt like I had no right to do it.
"I told her to think about it while we went to Miami to film the music video of the song I wrote for her," he said. "I hoped that she would change her mind, but she didn't. In the end, I was just like a family to her... The feelings she has for me are just familial. She confused herself and thought that it was something romantic."
I think I'm getting it now... I suddenly felt guilty for pre-judging Blair. I think she ended the things between her and Isaiah because she didn't want to mislead him anymore. She wanted to settle everything.
"I didn't want to lose h-her..." His voice croaked a bit, and I saw his eyes sparked a feeling of anger. "Not to him..."
Not to him?
He must be talking about Gael! But why did he sound like he has a deep grudge against him? Pakiramdam ko ay hindi lang ang tungkol kay Blair ang pinagmulan ng kanyang galit.
"But like I said, I know Blair..." he said. "And I can see that she really loves him. She trusts him so much. I made her mad at me."
Pursing my lips, I internally argued with myself if I should say anything or just keep quiet. However, I thought that there would be no other chance to tell him what's inside my mind.
"Why don't you try it again?" I blurted out my thoughts at once.
He snapped his head to face me.
Napalunok ako nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa. Nakita ko kung gaano namumungay ang kanyang mga mata.
"What do you mean?" he probed quietly.
Muli akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya. Huminga ako nang malalim at tipid na ngumiti.
"I know you said that she would never change her decision, but we don't really know." I shrugged my shoulders. "We don't know if you'll end up getting what you want or end up hurting more than what you're feeling now. Nonetheless, I feel like it's a chance that you should consider taking and risking."
I knew encouraging him might seem absurd because I'm in love with him, but I guess I finally understand the purpose of sacrifice. This is what they meant about sacrificing your own happiness for the one you love.
For other people, they might think that this is an opportunity―a chance for them to take and hold on tight to. However, I couldn't bring myself to do that. It wasn't an opportunity that I should take.
I used to think that the characters I read from books who sacrificed themselves for other people were too selfless. But being on the same shoes as them, I realized that it comes out naturally. Because to be honest, even if it hurts in many ways, their happiness is still also your happiness. You'd just find yourself doing what you can to make them happy.
"You can try again." I encouraged him with a smile. "For the last time, you can try it with her again. And if you fail, at least you still did what you can until the end instead of just giving up."