In the morning, he greets me with kisses. Small, little, sweet things on the tip of my nose, cheeks, forehead, and occasionally brushing past my lips. He brushed stray curls out of my face, twists my hair around his fingers. I like to pretend I'm still sleeping so he doesn't know I'm awake, though I know that he knows I'm awake. He's mentioned it before, that my breathing changes when I'm awake.
I just laughed and drank whatever drink I had that morning, be it tea or coffee. I don't remember, nor particularly care to remember.
That was what I woke up to this morning. I kept my eyes closed for a few minutes, listening to John's breathes and keeping back a smile as he kissed my nose sweetly. He was so sweet.
"Good morning, Alexander," he whispered after a moment. My eyes fluttered open and I smiled softly at him.
"Good morning, J."
He sat up, fumbling with the ribbon in his hair, which was tied into a braid. "Let's get breakfast, hm?"
"That sounds lovely," I said, sitting up as well and following him when he got up and went into the kitchen. Outside the window, there was silence. The birds weren't singing anymore. I frowned.
"We don't have much. We should go into the market today," John said, looking back at me.
"Alright. We can go after we finish eating, how does that sound?" I asked. I walked up to him and kissed his cheek, then went into the living space, finding a match and striking it. I lit a fire in the fireplace and sat by it, while John cooked for the both of us.
I listened intently, hoping to hear the birds chirping happily and plucking worms out of the soft soil. I heard none of that this morning. When I looked out the window, I could see a light snow falling onto the ground, with the sun rising, casting a light across the snow, causing it to sparkle.
Usually, the birds sing to calm me down. I like it. It's pretty. Soft, chirping to wake up to.
Now, it's not the case.
I looked up when I heard John's footsteps. He sat down next to me with a plate of eggs for the both of us. We ate in silence, listening to the fire crackle and pop. I leaned against John, setting my fork down to let him know I was done. He gave a soft him, finishing the food, then getting up to put the plate away.
I got up from the floor and went into the room we shared, opening the dresser and beginning to get dressed. John walked in as I was buttoning my shirt, smiled softly, then began to get dressed as well. I pulled on my breeches and stockings, then found a pair of shoes and clicked the snap, standing up straight.
Our coats were hanging up in the closet, so I pulled them out and handed John his, then buttoned my own. We found our hats, then went outside.
I shivered at the cold, even with my layers of clothing. I felt like I still wasn't used to the cold in America, nor would I ever be used to it. I missed to warm sun back home.
I waited on the porch for John to lead the horses out of the small stable by the cabin. The horses whinnied and neighed, tapping the ground with their hooves. I went over to my horse, pet it's cheek, then climbed onto it, shifting in the saddle to get comfortable.
"Ready to go?" John asked, and I nodded.
"Of course I am," I said with a sideways smile.
—-
After a while of riding, we arrived in town. John and I tied our horses to a fence post, then went into the marketplace.
It was surprisingly busy for a winter morning, a light chatter strewn about. Women with children bundled in blankets buying food to prepare dinner for the night, men chatting with each other about whatever the latest news was. A dog ran in the middle of the street, barking and wagging its tail happily. A young child, underdressed for the weather, chased after it with a laugh. The tip of his nose and cheeks were red from the cold, his skin pale.
John tipped his hat to a man, then turned to me. He gave me a pouch with some coins in it. "Would you go get what we need? I'll catch up to you here soon. Want to chat with him."
I hummed. "Of course. Don't chat too long, I want to get home as soon as possible." I pointed to my red cheeks. "It's chilly."
John simply nodded, pat my shoulder, then went to speak with the man. I recognized him, since he lived in the town and had his own little shop where he carved wood. His name was on the tip of my tongue, but I decided to leave it be.
I walked down the streets, shivering a bit. I could see my own breath in the air. I walked into a shop, smiling at the women who were chatting by the window, one holding a beaten up box.
I grabbed some food we would need for the dinner I had in mind, then a few other items simply other foods or toiletries, then placed them in a basket. I paid for the things, tipped my hat to the shopkeeper, then walked out, looking around.
In front of me, was the young boy that was chasing the dog. He almost bumped into me, but stopped just in time.
"Oh, I'm so sorry mister," the boy said quickly, the dog at his side, panting and wagging its tail.
I chuckled slightly. "It's quite alright, no need to apologize."
"Erm. I hate to ask you this, mister, but do you think you could watch my dog? I want to get him something to eat, but the shopkeeper won't allow dogs in. He's allergic, or just doesn't like them. I don't remember," the boy rambled.
I put a hand up to tell him to stop talking. "I can do that." I then arched an eyebrow. "You're very underdressed for this weather, where's your coat, young man?"
The boy shifted on his feet and laughed nervously. "I don't have one, mister. My momma is going to make me one, though!" He smiled. "She sent me out here to buy fabric. She's sick right now, so she can't."
I simply smiled, not understanding why children over shared so much to strangers. "Ah, I see. Do you have enough money for both a meal for your dog and the fabric."
The boy nodded. "I do. Momma's been saving up money, and Daddy gave her some, too."
I nodded and pat the boy's head. "Alright, go get something. I'll wait on the steps with him. What's his name, and yours?"
"My name's Hugh, and my pup's name is Cuthbert."
"My name is Alexander. Nice to meet you. Now, go."
Hugh nodded and went into the store, the bell above the door jingling. I sat down on the steps next to Cuthbert, who sat next to me and nuzzled my thigh. I scratched his head and waited.
Cuthbert was very well behaved, sitting patiently, not barking at anyone passing by. I picked at the straw on the basket I had, growing a bit impatient.
A black women came up. "Pardon me, sir, may I get inside?"
I nodded to her, moving out of the way, then sitting back down, scratching Cuthbert's chin. He licked my face in response, earring a small laugh from me.
Eventually, after some time had passed, Hugh came out of the store with a loaf of bread and beamed at Cuthbert. "I got some bread, buddy!"
Cuthbert stood up and pawed Hugh expectantly, trying to reach up and nibble at some of the bread. I stood up and smiled.
"Thank you for watching him, mister Alexander," Hugh said, happily giving Cuthbert some bread. "Would you like some?"
I shook my head. "No thank you, Hugh. I just bought some food."
Hugh hummed. "Hm, okay. You're just about as skinny as my momma."
I arched an eyebrow, then shook my head. "I best be going. My partner is waiting for me."
Hugh nodded. "Okay! Come visit the market! You can play fetch with Cuthbert when you come back!"
I laughed slightly and nodded, then left the boy and his dog, looking around for Laurens. I found him quickly, since he was looking for me as well.
"Ready to go home?" I asked, then he nodded.
"Yes, that was why I was looking for you. Let us go."
We walked back, out of the marketplace, and to the fence post. The horses were still waiting, pacing in the space they could. I untied out horses, climbing onto my own. I ran my fingers through her, then kicked her to get her trotting.
There was a loud commotion coming from the marketplace, someone yelling. We decided to get out the as soon as possible.
"Where were you?" John asked after a moment.
"Oh, some boy asked me to watch his dog. I told him yes, while he went into a shop. He came out, asked me to come back, then we left."
John hummed a response. "What did you get?"
"Just some fruits and stuff for dinner," I responded.
The rest of the ride was quiet, the both of us just enjoying the ride as much as we could. We passed a frozen over lake, the ice and snow glimmering in the light. It was beginning to snow again, a bit harder than in the morning, covering up the tracks the horses left slowly.
We hurried our pace, returning to the cabin. John went to put the horses in the stable, so I walked inside and started a fire, warming my shivering self by it. John came back in after a moment, taking the basket and setting it in the kitchen. He then grabbed a book, sat down next to me, and began to read out loud.
I listened to him in silence, leaning against him and closing my eyes, though not falling asleep.
We stayed there for a while, the whole scene calming in itself. The fire crackling occasionally, giving me the warmth I sought out. I hoped I didn't catch a cold from being out too long. The gentle rising and falling of John's chest as he read from the book. I wasn't paying much attention to the book itself, mostly just listening to John's voice while it went in through one ear and out the other.
I felt myself beginning to drift off into sleep, John's voice calming me and relaxing me. I was comfortable and safe near him, with nothing to fear but the outside world. Where we would be judged, exiled, hung. Where we we be sent back off to war. Where we'd have to wed a lady. I'd prefer to just stay here, safe and comforted in his arms.
His warm, muscled arms, cradling my body.
His shuffling as he set the book down, lying us both down on the floor. He leaned into me, holding me protectively.
His soft breathes and he began to fall asleep, lulling me to sleep completely.
—-
This morning, I wasn't awoken by his kisses. Nothing. There wasn't his warmth nearby. He wasn't holding me, protecting me.
I didn't hear his breaths.
Then, I remembered.
I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest. I was shivering from the cold, the fireplace wasn't lit. There was no warmth at all. My fingers were cold and I could feel them through my pants. I must have fell asleep in my day clothes from coming back from the marketplace.
I felt so alone. There was no comfort being alone anymore. I don't see him anymore.
I miss him.
I miss his laugh, deep and loud. I miss his face, the way he smiled at me oh so prettily. I miss his hair, soft and a bit shiny, perfect for running my fingers through. I miss his body, beautiful and muscled. We fit together perfectly. I miss him so much; I just want to move on sometimes.
But alas, I cannot do that.
I see him, I feel him, I hear him.
Today I don't.
Is it finally time? Is it finally time to accept that he's gone now? I don't want to accept that.
I shivered and let out a breath in front of me. I hated the silence in the cabin. The warm breaths John would make both warmed me up and provided a bit of sound. It wasn't much of a sound, but it was a comforting sound.
Now, he's not here.
—-
Hugh greeted me at the marketplace. "Hello, Mr. Alexander. Look, my mama finished making my coat! I'm so warm and cozy now."
I looked at Hugh, hopping off of my horse and tying her to a fence post. "That's good," I said simply, just wanting to see him again.
"You look stressed. Are you okay, Mr. Alexander?"
Shaking my head, I said, "no, no, I'm okay." I wasn't. "Just busy. I'm going to visit someone."
Hugh hummed a response, watching me as I began to walk away. I knew he was following me, but I didn't say anything. I don't mind much.
It was odd to see Hugh without Cuthbert, but I assumed Cuthbert was just at home with his mother.
I continued walking for a while, a snow beginning to fall. People were staring to head home fro the market after the snow came around, not wanting to get stuck in the cold, or worse, a blizzard.
My riding boots left imprints in the snow, but we're being quickly covered up by the snow falling. I could hear Hugh's teeth chattering behind me. He should go home soon.
Eventually, we arrived at the graveyard. I opened the gate and walked in, knowing where to go to find his grave. I've been here many of times since he died, so I had memorized where he was now.
I went over to John's grave, sitting down in front of it on my knees. My hands clasped together and I closed my eyes, silently praying.
When I finished, I ran my fingers gently across the headstone. He'd onto been dead for a few months now, but it's felt like years.
"Who is that?" Hugh asked gently, sitting down next to me.
"He's...he's my," lover, "friend. We were very close..I loved him very much," I said quietly.
Hugh didn't answer, but held my hand to comfort me.
Everything's been changed since he passed.
I don't ever sleep well unless I feel him near me, like his spirit is watching me.
I don't feel happy unless I hear him. I feel like we're actually having conversations, although I know I'm just imagining it.
But, God, I just can't wait to see him again.
I looked up at the dark cloud in the sky, my eyes brimmed with tears. "Darling, I can't wait to see you again.."
—-
I held my gun up to the sky, a small smile on my face. "Darling, I'm ready to see you again.."
I'm ready..