Listen to the music while reading the chapter!
"Once you return, come look for me. Right here, at the usual time."
"Hm keep this with you until I return."
Empty promises.
That's all we've made.
My beloved friend, did my existence mean nothing to you?
Are you even the same person I used to meet under the Golden Shower tree?
Was it fun playing with my heart?
Yes, I'm a monster.
I had always been one.
And now, as I watch you walk away to your wife and unborn child,
I have fallen back to the dark pit I had once lived in.
~Anonymous~
**********
"Destroy my soul." The firm and deep alluring voice said followed by a loud crashing sound and a woman gasping in shock.
"What are you saying?" A husky voice asked, disbelief evident in his tone.
He added colorlessly, "It has been decades and slowly life has become transparent in my eyes. Just a continuous cycle of repetition. In the end there had been nothing I had gained nor lost. I don't feel sad or happy anymore. I'm becoming more and more numb to everything and everyone around me. I do not see the purpose of continuing any longer. Even if I were to be reincarnated, I know what will be left of me would be just an empty shell."
*Bang*
"What nonsense are you speaking?!!" The husky voice roared.
Even as he witnessed the raging bull the deep voice was as calm as a lake, "I cannot guarantee my life when I leave to Asrayn. By any chance something happens, I hope you will fulfil my wish, brother-in-law. I assure you my people are trained enough to fill the gap of my absence."
The light peeked out through the narrow slit of the door as I stood outside the room, my body frozen, my stomach twisting in knots. A silent tear sliding down my cheek. The voices faded into air as I watched the moon shining brightly at a distance, it's brilliance slowly blinding my vision. Soon I was enveloped in a bone chilling coldness that creeps up through my feet and all the way to my upper body. Tears rolling down one after the other as I heaved desperately. My bloody hands and legs dipped into the snow struggling to pull my body forward. In the cold winter, my body was coated in beads of sweat as I crawled pathetically across the snow, a bloody trail leaving behind me. My determined and grief-stricken eyes focused on the body that was a couple of feet away from mine. As I inched closer I heard his quiet voice,
"Why?" was all he asked.
My shaky hands cupped his impossibly handsome and perfectly sculptured face trying to speak but nothing came out as he looked at me with his empty, pitch black eyes.
How did this powerful man get stabbed in a critical place? A small dagger embedded to his heart, however his strong and muscular body was free of wounds. But that's not even an issue, it was the weapon that was used to seal his death. My face paled with terror,
"Please *sniffs* Please don't leave me *sniffs*." A hoarse and despairing whisper escaped my dry lips.
His voice never wavered, as if he had not been stabbed, his thumb gently wiping my tears, "You can do fine without me, you know it."
My eyes widened trying to retort, but my mouth was immediately covered by his cold palm that once used to be very warm.
"I don't want to doubt my decision."
I sobbed into his palm as he closed his eyes, his features softening, "It's okay. I have long forgiven you."
I shook my head violently, "No no please don't say that. I don't- I don't deserve it! I don't!-" My muffled cries could be heard, ugly and miserable.
Time seemed to have slowed down, my heart beating in my ears as I watched his hand slid down my lips, dropping onto the snowy ground as the little bit of warmth left his body. A heart wrenching scream escaped my throat. Clinging to his body as if I was holding onto my dear life.
"No no no no no no no please please please PLEASE!! PLEASE I BEG YOU! DON' T LEAVE ME! I'M SO SORRY. I'm sorry. I'm wrong. I'm so sorry..." Burying his face into my chest, stroking his head gently and whispering an endless amount of sorrys.
Not once did I think, there would come a day, the man who was so very strong, undefeatable and unmovable like a raging mountain would die. Why was I so confident? Why did I think I could live without him? What hurts the most was, I knew it was all my fault!
All I could do was weep and shout to the world, to show how broken I was. My blurry vision caught sight of his sword that was beside him. The sword that was always a part of his soul. An absurd idea entered my mind. My eyes then fell onto the dagger in his heart. Eyes glinting with tears as my trembling hands reached out to its hilt, gripping it tightly and pulling it out from his body.
Once a person told me- "Life is a trial. So its okay to fail, but never give up."
I shook my head in denial. How am I supposed to get rid of this pain? How long will I be able to go on, in a world without him? Blindly waiting for him, knowing that he's never going to come back to me...
Guilt, regret, fear and finally it was an overwhelming despair that I felt.
I'm so sorry. I can't handle this crushing pain. It's just... It's too much. I'm truly sor-
"No!! Don't you dare do anything stupid! Put that thing down! Now! Listen to me! YOU STUPID BRAT!!!" The husky voice roared with authority, a sharp pain shooting through my head. My body grew numb as the dagger slipped through my fingers. Holding onto my head I screamed in agony.
"Your Highness?!" Shang Mo looked frightened as he gripped my shoulders.
I had screamed my guts out and not only Shang Mo but even the maids and guards had come into the room worry etched on their faces. I immediately ordered them to leave. After carefully searching my face Shang Mo stepped out of my bed chamber with a deep frown.
"..."
Clutching onto my head I bit my lower lip. My shaky hands reached out to the ceramic jar that was at the bed-side table. Pouring some water into a cup, I gulped down the water hurriedly. Once again pouring more, I slowly proceeded to sip from the cup.
"What the actual hell?" Lightly panting, I muttered frustratingly as I wiped the sweat that was sliding down my forehead with the back of my hand.
Every time I closed my eyes, that man's silhouette invaded my mind, my heart beating wildly each time. He looked a lot matured, probably was in his mid-thirties. So unfamiliar yet familiar as if I'd known him for ages but I never recalled ever meeting him or maybe I have? Moreover, this familiar beat of my heart that beats only for one person, was now beating in the same rhythm for a stranger.
I gazed at my hand in awe, remembering every touch and caress. I could still feel it in my hands. His skin, even though losing its color, seemed to be radiating a golden light. However, I don't recall his face. I surely saw it in my dream but now all I could remember was a blurry shadow.
A legendary war hero. Taking bits of information from the dream into account, that was all I could describe him with. If I were to fight him in the battlefield I knew it would end up me losing miserably. Even though it was hard to admit, I had a gut feeling not even His Majesty could win against that man's sword. How could such inhuman strength be possible in this world? Someone who could surpass His Majesty, who was the world's no.1 swordsman and martial artist. A warrior who stood above all. And what demon was powerful enough to take down this legendary war hero?
No... That's not the issue I should focus on right now... I should be more worried about what this was all about. Some kind of baseless dream? Perhaps a prophecy? Or something related to the past of Xu Lin? If it was the past, maybe if I refer to some ancient scrolls I would be able to get some information on this man. But if this kind of man ever existed, by now his statue would have been at the heart of the city as a token for his bravery.
If it's related to the present then I was sure that by now he would have been the centre of topic in gossips.
Why do these dreams feel so real? As if I was really experiencing them? Can a mere dream cause this much heartache? I didn't know. But if these keep continuing maybe there was some meaning behind them.
*Sighs*
I clicked my tongue in irritation.
Why does life have to keep getting complicated? I just didn't have the patience anymore. My hands were already full of unsolved problems. And it only keeps increasing day by day. After having to deal so much during the day, I couldn't even have a good night sleep anymore.
It should be best to leave everything behind and go settle down in an isolated land, where there were no humans and their complicities. I could live in peace and have nothing to worry about. All this suffering was because I was unable to let go of my greediness. Since the beginning if I had not desired so much from life I would have been able to feel genuinely happy. My heart wouldn't feel so heavy and in pain right now. Constantly forcing myself to be convinced that I didn't need or want anything in return, not even a single drop of attention and love. No matter what, I knew I couldn't obtain it either. However, my heart knew I was craving for it so badly. In the end I had finally reached my limit.
Do I really need to go through all this torture and continue to dance at the palm of his hand? Recently I have been thinking this often, do I really have to lower myself down to dirt just so he could get the satisfaction of trampling me? What about my dignity? Outsiders weren't aware of the thorny situation between us, only a handful of people knew this matter. But even they didn't know the harassment I had to face. Even worse now that it had started to become physical. It might be just a scratch to me but why do I have to endure even the slightest scratch for no apparent reason? I was already having too much to deal with.
I knew I was a fool but hated to ever admit it.
I shook my head in disbelief. Disbelief at my own self for being so blind and accepting of everything he does to me. I wouldn't have minded it before, but thinking about yesterday's events had somehow made me feel humiliated. I didn't like the way he had approached me.
I didn't mind his cruel intention towards me because I had already grown numb to it after eating a full load of back stabbing, but the least I expected of him was to give me my personal space. Now he had even started invading my comfort zone.
I felt like crap after I had witnessed those uncaring and ruthless eyes last night, that my own heart which was beating out of my rib cage had instantly turned cold that very moment.
He was mocking me.
Added to that, the immense pressure and the exhaustion I had to endure with the constant betrayal from the people around me had finally cornered me. The patience I had in me was wearing thin and now my line of endurance was reaching a red point.
Something inside of me had completely snapped.
It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff. And I knew I needed to find a solution to avoid falling down that steep cliff.
Emotions were always a weakness. And I had tried my best to keep them under check but slowly it had become a burden to keep tolerating. Slowly I'd come to realize that I didn't want to continue this kind of imbalance relationship. I have become emotionally drained after having to deal with him and trying to bear the heartache of his words and actions.
I had been given a wake-up call.
True love. Ah I finally understood... In the end I've come to realize I'm no different from that foolish pipa musician. It seems my situation was worse than simply committing suicide. I laughed mockingly at myself, clutching to my chest, my eyes swirling with emotion.
How can just one person put all the effort into loving a person, when the other is nothing but ignorant and cruel?
No... Both of them should have an equal understanding, effort and the ability to be selfless to one another. Your pain, happiness, excitement and sadness becomes their pain, happiness, excitement and sadness. As if that person was a part of your soul. He will be willing to sacrifice for you just like how much you're willing to sacrifice for him. No matter what argument or disagreement you both have, he would be very patient and willing to listen and understand you. Even the couples around you would start to feel jealous at the sight of such great love.
Does such a love even exist? Such a fairytale love where two people love each other unconditionally? Like a single pebble in the vast ocean, you could almost never get to witness it. However, it does exist. And no matter how much they reincarnate or how much challenges they face in those lives, they will reunite in the end and their love will grow stronger at each life, bounding their souls for eternity.
My love isn't true love; this was only a foolish one-sided love on my part.
Ah I truly envy them. It's easier to love someone who loves you back. But it breaks you to love someone who doesn't love you back. Some say only the strong could love someone who doesn't love you. While some others say only fools would love someone who would never even spare a glance at you.
Feelings can never be ridiculed like that. Strong or weak, foolish or smart, we all experience the same love.
It's just a matter where not everyone is able to move on from a fruitless love. It felt like I was stuck in a muddy swamp, unable to pull out my legs no matter how much I tried to break free.
I just love him.
Like the thriving moon, His Majesty had always been unattainable. He never belonged to me. Knowing that, I kept my feelings to myself and watched him from afar. I only dared to dream and envision a life with him. It's wasn't my choice to have these feelings, however this pain was my choice. I just thought it was the right thing to do when you face the one you love. Accepting everything he gives you, be it pain or happiness. I was too wrapped around my feelings, so deep that even when I knew this wasn't right I chose to remain blind.
I've now come to realize that the pain was unbearable. It's not even the pain of not having my feelings reciprocated, it's the pain of having been constantly poked at my heart so cruelly when I had done nothing but kept my silence.
"Why? Why do you hate me this much, when I love you with my whole being that I'm willing to dig out my heart for you if that is what you had wished for?"
The water cup in my hand was crushed into pieces as the blood dripped down my fingers and onto my lap. One drop after the other I watched it drench my night robe. The crease between my eyebrows softened as I gave a small laugh out of sudden relief, my eyes hardening with determination.
I should face him as the man I truly am. He and I both knew this wasn't me. I would never tolerate impudence with exceptions. Because to me all wrongdoers were one and the same. However to me who always felt guilty since I had taken something precious from him, decided it would put my heart at ease if I'd take a step back and let him take full control of the Empire.
To me who always felt I had unknowingly wronged him, was willing to bow myself to him when I wasn't supposed to. Only when I felt that his decisions would threaten his reputation or harm the innocent, or violate any of the moral codes of humanity, would I voice out my strong opinion, disregarding the outcome of my opposition. Just because I had the power in my hands, I had not tried to abuse my power. We were supposed to be in an equal footing but even I had forgotten that I was actually someone who could sit on the throne if I'd wanted to. Knowing this well, he took it as an opportunity to constantly disgrace me. And if I didn't fight back now, I knew he would soon cross the line and that fact itself was a very unpleasant feeling.
I mustn't let him toss me all over the place like this. I got nothing by being the loyal and obedient subordinate in my past life. Even though I stood on my ground I had let him think I was easy to manipulate and use me however he wanted.
He was and will always be my world. However, all this time I had let him have his way ignoring myself and now it was time to give myself more priority, to give more importance to my well-being before putting others first.
I dropped onto the bed, my eyelids feeling heavy.
It's enough already.
I don't want to think anymore.
If I think further my brain would explode any minute.
I feel so tired. Tired of thinking...
Tired of looking for solutions...
Tired of everything...
*Sighs*
I just wanted to lie down, close my eyes, and have a dreamless, peaceful sleep.
Forget everything... The upcoming assassination, the cruel betrayal of my trusted ones, the pain caused by the love of my life, all of it.
I wish I could have an eternal sleep... No, it didn't mean I wanted to run away from my problems, I was just so tired of dealing with all this that I wanted some rest. To enjoy my life, to feel the freedom of life for once.
Just once.
How can I even run away when my heart was tied down to him?
God, no fool is worse than an old ragged fool!
A/N: Finally I'm back 😭 I thought I won't be able to see you guys this year but I managed with your encouragement. Thank you so much guys. I have read all your msgs and I'm so grateful for all your kindness and patience. It really helped me a lot. A reader's heartfelt encouragement means a lot to us authors who have a lot to deal in reality. Thank you ❤️