"Hey princess," my father smiled down at five-year-old me, "want more ice cream?"
I nodded my head quickly and clapped my hands together in anticipation. There was no way that I was going to pass up an opportunity for ice cream.
I loved this. Being daddy's girl, I could live like this forever.
My father carefully placed the cone of the chocolate ice-cream in my hands and I quickly bit into it and regretted it immediately.
"Daddy," I cried, "I can't feel my teeth. My head hurts."
My father laughed and proceeded to take the ice-cream from my hands, "that's called a brain freeze, honey. You're going too fast."
He handed me back the ice-cream, and I took a little lick out of it as he nodded in encouragement. I smiled up at him.
The image of my father's face morphed, and I found myself at the front door of my house.
I was standing there, boxes at my feet, while my mother screamed at me. My father stood in a corner, not looking at me.
"Please," I begged, my voice breaking, "don't do this... I can go back to conversion.. I-I'd do anything, please."
"No." my mother's voice was firm and her eyes lacked emotion. Lacked sympathy.
"Daddy, please." There was no reply. He didn't even look at me.
"Get out," my mother said. Her voice was hard. "Now."
There was the sound of my begging echoing throughout my head. Me pleading, hanging on desperately, scared.
Please. Please. Please. Please.
"Wake up, Muna," a voice said from above me. Hands were on my shoulders, shaking me furiously.
"Please. Please. Please! Please!! PLEASE!" my eyes snapped open at this point.
I was hot, drenched in sweat, Miss Rose was leaning over me. My bedside lamp was switched on.
"Here, have some water," Miss Rose whispered, handing me a cup of water.
I sat up slowly as I took the cup from her with trembling hands, I suddenly became aware of the dampness on my cheeks. I had been having another nightmare, and I was screaming in my sleep. My hand shook suddenly, spilling the glass of water all over my bed sheets.
"Hold on a second," Miss Rose mumbled, taking the now empty glass away from me.
She suddenly lifted me out of the bed like I weighed nothing, walking the few feet over to her bed and sat down, her back pressed against the head of the bed and me in her arms. She cradled me in her arm as I tried to suppress my cries. My body was still trembling slightly, and I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Miss Rose whispered softly once my heavy breathing had calmed down.
I was silent for a moment.
"It really hurts sometimes," was all I could mumble out, I felt myself becoming loose and Miss Rose's arms wrapped tighter around my waist as she pulled me closer.
"I'm going to keep you safe, Muna, I promise." Miss Rose stated as she nuzzled her face into my hair. I looked into her eyes, they were bright and she smiled softly at me.
I leaned my head into her chest, listening to the steady pace of her heartbeat whilst she traced patterns up my arm, leaving goosebumps in her wake.
I believed she meant it. I believed she wanted to keep me safe and was going to find a way to do just that. I snuggled deeper into her arms. Why did this feel so right?
Slowly but surely, my eyelids grew heavy.
Knock knock knock
I opened my eyes slowly; the sunlight streamed in through the blinds, causing me to squint.
Knock knock knock
I suddenly became aware of my surroundings, I realized I was still in Miss Rose's arms, her head was resting on my shoulder and I could feel her warm breath on my neck.
Knock knock knock
"Do you think they're in there?" I heard a voice say from the other side of the door.
"Maybe they've left already," another voice responded. It was male as well.
There was the sound of retreating footsteps and Miss Rose's light snoring.
I caught a glimpse of the clock on the wall, 10:30. We were an hour late for breakfast.
Shit.
"Miss Rose," my voice still came out a bit hoarse, and I shook Miss Rose as I tried to wake her up. "Miss Rose, we're really late. They just came looking for us."
"Huh," she mumbled as her eyes groggily opened, revealing her green orbs. There was a moment of silence in which she just looked at me, seated in her lap with a blank expression before a wave of realization washed over her.
"Shit," she cursed, "we're late Muna."
Yeah, I know.
Once again, she picked me up her lap like it was nothing and dropped me gently on the bed next to her before she got up and began searching through the drawers for clothes to wear.
I ignored the feeling of vulnerability that I felt from no longer being seated in her lap and instead rushed into the bathroom to get ready. By the time I got out, Miss Rose had already left the room. Although my heart ached for her, I felt a little thankful I wouldn't have to encounter her so soon after the events of last night. I thought about everything that had happened last night as I quickly got dressed. More importantly, why the hell was I having to deal with these nightmares all over again?
There was a dull ache in my head once I finished dressing up and practically ran all the way to the dining hall.
"Hi Muna!" Javier said raising his hand from where he was seated surrounded by a group of people and waved at me, "I brought you some breakfast, you almost missed it."
I mentally thanked God for Javier and I smiled as I approached the table. The dining hall was bustling. It didn't escape my eyes that Lisa was plopped in one of the seats next to Javier and was clinging unto his arm.
"Hey," I said, glancing quickly at everyone around the table before I sat down. Most of them looked familiar.
I began gobbling up the breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon while the table broke into conversation. The food was a bit cold, but; it was better than nothing.
"I guess we have the water activities today," some guy with light brown hair said, "I'm pretty excited. I've heard the sea is pretty cool."
Pretty cool was an understatement, as I soon came to find out.
I was staring at the sea. It seemed to go on forever. The water looked so smooth and soft, and I gazed at my reflection in the gentle waves. I was standing in my bathing suit with my towel wrapped around my waist. In the distance, I could hear the roars of speedboats.
"I can't blame you. I would stare at my reflection that long too, if I was that gorgeous."
I spun around, coming face-to-face with Miss Rose, who smiled at me, amusement twinkling in her eyes.
My head was spinning. Had she just indirectly called me gorgeous? Had she just called me gorgeous? The situation was so ironic I almost laughed. Almost.
My eyes had travelled down Miss Rose's body that was in a long sleeve bikini and shorts. Her abs were on full display and I dug my fingernails into my palms to prevent myself from reaching out and touching them. I forced my eyes to look up at Miss Rose, her eyes were looking down at me. That's when I realized my towel had fallen a little, exposing my lime green bikini bottoms that were two sizes too small for me. My whole ass was basically on display. It wasn't my fault, there hadn't been enough time to buy a bathing suit that fit me before the retreat, so I had to make do with this.
I watched Miss Rose watch me silently for a little while longer, her eyes seeming to linger on every inch of my body.
I cleared my throat and Miss Rose's eyes immediately snapped up.
"Um," Miss Rose began clearing her throat, she seemed flustered," I wanted to ask if you would like to come with me on my speedboat?"
"You have a speedboat?" I asked dumbly, like she didn't just mention that.
"Um yeah, I bought it a few years ago when we came here for the first time." She turned around and began walking towards the end of the beach; I guess that meant I should follow her, so I did. I walked behind her, taking in her toned muscles through her bathing suit and her strong legs. A number of people whizzed passed us, spraying water everywhere.
"Here we are." Miss Rose said, stopping in front of a speedboat.
It was small, painted a gleaming black color. I smiled at how typical of her that was. At the right side of the speedboat, there was a painting of a Rose.
"Get it," Miss Rose said, noticing me staring, "because Anastasia Rose."
She looked at me then and winked, and I giggled. She took my hand, slowly leading me into the boat, and my heart began beating hard.
"Hang on tight, Muna." Miss Rose ordered, and immediately the boat lurched forward with incredible speed.
I gripped the railing hard to prevent myself from flying backwards and possibly, you know, dying. Water was spraying from all around the boat. The engine was loud, and I had to squint to keep the sun out of my eyes. But I was laughing at the same time, and so was Miss Rose. I was happy.
The boat began to slow down until it came to a halt and a jolt passed through me.
"Are you okay?" Miss Rose asked, concern written all over her face.
I nodded my head, smiling up at her.
Miss Rose walked to the back of the boat, appearing again with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.
"Sorry, I only have non-alcoholic wine."
"It's okay," I said, taking a glass from her, "I'm not a big fan of day-drinking, anyway."
She silently poured wine into my glass and did the same with hers before softly clinking her wine glass against mine and taking a swing.
I took a drink out of my glass, not taking my eyes off Miss Rose. The wine was sweet; it tasted like apple juice, but better. I remembered Malcolm back at the meeting mentioning something about Miss Rose not drinking. I wondered how he even knew that. There seemed to be some bad blood between them.
"How come you don't drink alcohol?" I asked, surprising myself, "is it a religious thing.."
Miss Rose laughed softly. Reaching out, she took hold of one of my braids. This seemed to be a habit of hers.
"Actually, I sometimes lose control and get really reckless when I drink. So I try not to," Miss Rose replied, still playing with my braid as I nodded.
I looked into the distance and watched the other speedboats in action. The sun was streaming down heavily and I felt myself relax as I basked in it.
Here I was, looking up into the eyes of my boss, drinking wine with her while dressed in a bikini. So many things about this situation seemed so odd, but yet, it felt like things were falling into place. I had not felt this much comfort in a while.
"It's refreshing not having technology on these retreats, and just being in touch with nature." Miss Rose said, looking out to the water surrounding the boat.
As cliché and hippy-e as it sounded, I had to agree with her. I had not missed home as much since coming here; I felt really refreshed. Plus, I was outside. Not cooped up in an office or in my apartment or just worrying. The details of the nightmare from this morning had even begun to vanish from my memory.
"We should jump in."
What?
I looked in shock at the woman standing in front of me.
"Come on, it'd be fun." Miss Rose said as she looked at me with a hopeful look in her eyes.
"But what if..." I stuttered, trying desperately to get myself out of the situation, "sharks. What if there are sharks?"
"There are no sharks here."
"Maybe. Sting rays can be poisonous, they camouflage well too. Oh, jelly-fishes-"
"Muna."
I paused in my ramble and looked up into the eyes of Miss Rose.
"Did I not promise you I would keep you safe?"
My heart practically jumped out of my chest and I stared up at her, blinking like a thousand lights were being shone directly into my face.
"Yes," I squeaked.
"Good. Now give me your hand."
I knew there was no way of getting out of this. I tentatively placed my hand in Miss Rose's outstretched ones. She immediately responded by holding my hand tightly in hers as we leapt into the water. I braced myself for a cold impact, but to my surprise, the water was warm. It felt like I was in a hot tub rather than in the sea, but with the bonus of seeing many beautiful fishes swimming around.
I ducked my head beneath the water, admiring the fishes as they swam around me. I felt like I was in heaven. I looked at Miss Rose only a few feet away, admiring how her short hair seemed to move gracefully underwater, and staring at her legs, which seemed to be even longer.
"Bet you're glad you jumped in," Miss Rose said the second we came up for fresh air. I nodded my head and smiled.
There was a moment of silence. The tension between us was thick, I could cut it with a knife. Even though she was only a few feet away, I felt I was too far away from Miss Rose and unconsciously found myself drifting towards her.
All of a sudden, Miss Rose's arm reached out, snaking around my waist and pulling me to her. She stopped an inch away. Our chests were almost touching, and I looked upward into her eyes to distract me from this very fact.
"The dream you had last night...do you have dreams like that often?" Miss Rose asked. Her voice was soft.
"Sometimes." I murmured. Why was she bringing this up now?
"I hate the idea of you being alone at home and having a nightmare," Miss Rose mumbled taking hold of one of my now wet braids, "hell, I hate the idea that I won't be able to know if you're doing okay at all times."
My head was whirling. She needed to know I'm okay because I'm her PA, that's all. I told myself that there was nothing more to it. I dug my nails into my palms to jerk myself out of any other fantasies and stray thoughts. My relationship with Miss Rose was simply platonic, she cared about me simply on a platonic level. I shouldn't get carried away.
I forced out a laugh and slowly unwrapped Miss Rose's arm from around my waist.
"It's getting late. We should start heading back if we want to be on time for the barbecue."I turned around and began swimming back to the boat. "You coming?" I asked, glancing back at Miss Rose.
She was still where I left her, just staring after me. I looked into her intense eyes. They had taken on a new form I had not seen before. They showed confusion, and somewhere in them, I saw something unexpected and unfamiliar.
Was that hurt?