"And then smiles cover your heart,"
Fade Into You Mazzy Star
R U T H
The heavy door creaked before it clicked shut. Rueben stayed behind with Reese. I was sure it was to exile Anthony.
"But it was out of his control," I stated the obvious to Tiger-Lily with devastation tugging on my heartstrings.
"We know. I wish there were ways around the law, but ours states that those who kill innocent members of their own pack are to be exiled. Besides, Jerome could still manipulate him into killing again. We need to be cautious. Anthony can't be here anymore."
"And it's not like that with Rueben because he's the Alpha? He can't exile himself." I curiously asked and received a solemn nod.
We stepped into the daylight, and Elias dramatically winced.
"I love the sunlight, but I prefer the moon more."
"Oh, poor baby," Tiger-Lily cooed at him, earning a glare.
They joked around as we walked to the footpath. Ander was leading the way ahead, his posture tense and alert the whole time.
"In my opinion, though," Elias stopped his chatter to speak to me. "It takes a very courageous person to do what you did today. We need a strong Luna, someone to stand as an equal beside our Alpha."
My face flushed. I was not nearly as strong as Rueben. Besides, I barely raised a hand to interrogate Anthony.
"I agree," Tiger-Lily shot me a wide grin. "You're our Luna, and I take pride in that. You didn't even need to grab a weapon."
"She is the weapon." Ander's voice trickled into my heart, and a newfound hope ignited.
An awkward chuckled tumbled from my lips.
"Please, I barely did anything. Anthony just needed someone to listen."
"And that's what you did. You'll be a great leader, Luna. Luna Ruth... like the sound of that?" Tiger-Lily raised her dark eyebrows at me, honour gilding her expression like gold.
☽
Ander didn't stop at the pack house. No, he kept walking five minutes out of the boundaries I was familiar with until I realised we were going into town.
I turned to Elias and Tiger-Lily for answers, but none of them were engaging in conversation anymore. There was a sombre tension around us, their eyes glazing over differently than to what I'd ever seen before.
Elias caught my eyes and faced away from me. He cleared his throat before walking further ahead to Ander.
"What's that about?" I murmured to Tiger-Lily.
"When Alpha exiles someone from the pack, we all feel the link sever. It's a little painful. Like something pulling at our brains. It hurts even more for the person being exiled. Elias- well, he doesn't like remembering the feeling of it. His dad was exiled many years ago, and it reminds him of the pain all over again."
My heart ached at her words, for Elias. It must've been incredibly heartbreaking to feel his father's connection snap from the pack.
"We're walking into town?" I asked when we took a turn into a street.
It seemed to be a ghost town, with numerous stores bordering the roads. Most of them were closed, and the open ones weren't entertaining any customers. The wind picked up, and the trees rustled around us. Silence.
"Yeah, Rueben wanted to be the one to show you around."
"Why is no one else here? Is it always this empty?"
"No, but the pack likes to be warned when Alpha goes out," Her mumbled, as if ashamed of her own pack. "They're scared he'll lose it and hurt them. He won't ever do that. I don't know how his curse works, but it doesn't work like that. Rueben is a good man. Honourable. His curse doesn't change that. Not to me or any other of the warriors."
I took her words into consideration. I didn't know much of Rueben's life yet, but I could tell how much of a resilient leader he was. His parents seemed to be as honourable as Tiger-Lily said Rueben was, so I believed her.
Minutes later, when we had passed a grocery store, Ander stopped and waited for us to catch up. His eyes turned glassy as he mind-linked Elias and Tiger-Lily. They nodded at me once before leaving together.
"Feeling alright?" Ander questioned with raised eyebrows.
I took a deep breath and nodded.
"That didn't scare you? Interrogating Anthony?" He was curious.
"No. I'm glad we have more information, but I just-" I rubbed the back of my neck, uncomfortable with the situation. "Anthony didn't seem like a bad person. He was just manipulated."
"We know that. But you have to understand, Ruth, that we can't take any chances."
"Yeah," I exhaled sharply. "I understand. It doesn't make it any easier to accept, though."
Ander raised his head to look at a spot behind me, and then I felt his presence wash over me like a warm blanket over my shoulders. Rueben. He came to stand beside me and conversed with Ander, all the while I was starstruck by his scent.
It wasn't as if I had supernatural senses, but Rueben's scent was something new to me.
An image of the ocean flashed in my mind. He smelled of the ocean at night, when the moon was hanging high on its throne and using the ocean as a mirror. My breath caught in my throat.
"I'll see you later, Luna," Ander bowed his head toward me before leaving.
That title was taking its time settling into my chest, but I'd wait for however long was necessary to be the leader everyone was hoping I'd be.
"Have you eaten today?"
Rueben's question caught me off guard, causing me to face him the moment Ander was out of sight. His eyes were waiting on mine, and the moment they locked, Rueben's chest heaved.
"Uh, yeah, I had something before the interrogation," I murmured, leaving out the fact that I'd lost my appetite.
"There are a few restaurants and cafés around this block and the next," He nodded to the street across. "If you're hungry."
"Oh, I'll be sure to visit later today then," I cleared my throat and turned away from him.
Rueben was distancing himself from me again. I could sense it in the stiff atmosphere, in the way he chose to stand so far away from me. I wasn't sure what changed until I remembered the early hours of the morning.
I had a nightmare. Jerome was chasing me, taunting me about my best friend's death, and I'd seen her face in the dark void Jerome was haunting me in.
My mate had woken me up so tenderly, but he'd chosen to do so when Jerome's face had emerged into my nightmare. For a split second, I thought Rueben was Jerome. My chest felt heavy at the memory of Rueben's expression morphing into one of hurt before masking it with his usual stoic look.
"Panemorfi-" Rueben began to say something, but the regret in his voice made me interrupt him. [Beautiful-]
The rest of the day was going to be about seeing his town for the first time. I wanted to embrace this new place with joy and wonder, not with confusion and hurt. This new destination didn't even exist to anyone who didn't believe in werewolves, but I was here and this was real.
I wanted to know more of Europa and its history. Most of all, my mate's history.
"I'm curious," I tilted my head at the wide, empty street before me. "Where do you remember your first childhood memory in this town?"
A beat of silence followed.
"Chuck's Candy store," His voice resonated defeat, yet he pointed across the street to the bright pink shop sign.
"Is it open?" I mindlessly asked, taking in the cartoon drawings on the glass windows.
"No. Chuck doesn't open most days."
"...the pack likes to be warned when Alpha goes out..."
"Right."
Rueben crossed the street anyway and reached the other side before I did. Catching up with him was easy when he was purposefully taking slower strides. When he was ahead of me, I took the chance to inspect his form. He was in tailored pants, mostly covered by the long black coat that hugged his broad upper body.
My eyebrows furrowed. Did he suddenly need to attend a meeting somewhere? He wasn't in that attire an hour ago.
"My first memory is in there," Rueben ignored my gaze and pointed through the clear window to the cash register. "My dad was friends with Chuck. He used to bring me here when I was little. Chuck usually gave me ice-cream in exchange for some new pieces of information I'd learned about the pack. He was so sure he'd be proud of the Alpha I'd become. I only ever cooperated when he gave me mint choc chip ice-cream, though."
I couldn't help the wide-eyed look I threw him.
"What?" He murmured, glancing away with tinges of pink coating his cheeks.
"Mint choc chip ice-cream was your favourite?"
"Yes, it still is."
Rueben's firm statement was laced with an attitude I thought I'd never lived to see. It made me chuckle.
Hurried footsteps echoed up the street, and while I tensed, Rueben shook his head as if already knowing who was unsteadily sprinting towards us. I wasn't surprised. He'd most likely recognised the person by scent.
Child.
He'd recognised the child by scent.
"Alpha!" The little boy called out to Rueben's back. "Alpha Rueben!"
His unkempt brown hair bounced with every huff of energy he used to run toward Rueben. I would've been worried the kid was in danger if it weren't for the eager, toothless grin he wore proudly on his round face.
"Quincy," Rueben sighed, but caught the kid when he jumped into his Alpha's arms. "What are you doing here? I thought you out of town with your parents."
Something about the sight of Rueben's large form holding a cute kid made my insides melt.
"They heard about something dangerous happening and wanted to come back to help." Quincy's sweet voice deepened the slightest to tell Rueben that he was eager to help too.
My chest felt hollow at the thought of this child rushing toward danger. He shouldn't have known about anything so terrible anyway. I wanted to take him away from any bad thought he might've conjured. I wanted to make the sun shine for this small stranger and never let him see a shadow that might spook him.
He was too young to be hearing about any sort of danger, especially involving the topic of Jerome.
"Listen to me, Quince," Rueben's began to murmur, his voice naturally lowering. "Nothing bad is happening, okay? The only dangerous thing that will happen is your parents getting mad when they can't find you at home. Then you'll blame me and then I'll blame Ruth over there." He whispered the next sentence, purposefully making sure I could still hear him. "And you don't want to see her get angry. That's the most dangerous ever, okay?"
Quincy puffed his cheeks before a squeal of laughter burst from his lips. He tried to contain himself by covering his mouth, but it was no use. His giggles filled the empty streets. I wished more people were around to see this side of Rueben. He was most likely making the kid's day, and they were afraid he'd hurt them.
"Let's get you back home, buddy." Rueben ruffled Quincy's hair.
"Is the lady coming with us?" He whispered.
"Do you want her to?" Rueben whispered back.
Little green eyes peered over to scan me. Deciding in an instant that I was not a danger, he nodded to Rueben and smiled at me. I smiled back and watched as he hid his face into Rueben's neck.
Our eyes caught, and the gold glint in his eyes sparked as he spared me a silver of a smile. It was the closest to one I'd ever seen on Rueben's face in the short time we'd known each other, and my stomach became a home to swarms of butterflies.
"Okay, then. Let's go." Rueben tried to lower Quincy to the ground, but the kid tightened his grip. "Tired of walking, huh?"
"No, but I like to be up high. I can see better from up here," He explained while making himself comfortable in Rueben's arms.
"You're only four years old. You'll be taller than me before we know it."
We began walking from what seemed to be the town square into a street filled with houses only a few minutes away. The entire time, Quincy asked too many questions to keep count of, but Rueben answered what he could anyway. He was patient and polite. He never turned down a question or lied.
My face flushed, and not from the walk. I let my mind get caught in fantasies of what Rueben would look like as a father, raising his own children. Would they have his eyes? Would they ask as many questions as Quincy? Would Rueben still be this patient?
"Are you friends with my Alpha?"
It was the first time Quincy had addressed me, and I wasn't expecting it.
Was I friends with Rueben? He was my mate, and I was residing in his home for the time being, but Rueben hadn't exactly made any effort to warm up to me. He was pushing me away, more so today than he had in a while.
"Yes, I am," I said anyway.
"That's good," Quincy grinned wider. "Alpha Rueben needs good friends. He is the bestest friend ever."
"Really?" I couldn't help but smile back at the boy.
"Mhm," He reached out to play with the strands Rueben's hair curling against his nape. "He plays basketball with me when my brother doesn't, and his wolf is the biggest, most scariest ever. He's so cool."
I darted my eyes to Rueben's face. He was blushing.
"His wolf is very cool, isn't he?" I decided to play along because having Rueben stand so tall beside me and become flustered in a matter of minutes was too entertaining to miss out.
Quincy nodded, his little fingers combing through Rueben's hair.
"You know what else is so cool?"
"What?"
"His eyes."
I could've sworn Rueben stopped breathing.
"His eyes?" Quincy took a moment to get a good look.
"Hm," He tilted his head. "They're like the sun."
Rueben made a point not to engage in the conversation and kept his gaze on the street ahead as we turned into another block. His eyebrows were lowered in what seemed to be concentration as his breathing return to normal.
"But they shine like the moon," I observed.
Minutes later, Quincy was waving goodbye as his older brother pulled him inside by the arm. He was going to get an entire days worth of lecturing once the door was closed, and I shook my head. Little children were rascals.
Despite the change of plans, Rueben walked us back into the town square, not uttering a single sound. I'd decided I had enough of his silence. If he wasn't going to take charge of whatever relationship was bound to happen between us, I had to be the one to help him step out of his shell.
When we had reached the street we took a detour from, I took a few moments to look at him. Rueben's face had somehow absorbed more tension and his coat had become too tight around his shoulders that I thought it might tear.
"You didn't scare me."
At the sound of my words, he stopped walking, and I halted in front of him.
"In the morning, when I had that nightmare, you didn't scare me. I saw the way you flinched away from me."
"Ruth," he sighed and turned away from me.
"And I don't like the way you looked at me." A burst of confessions flew from my lips before I could stop them. "Sometimes, I could swear that I feel the mate bond, and you pushing me away doesn't exactly feel very nice. Even without the mate bond, rejection feels like shit, by the way. So, if you don't want me, and you can't let me go, what is it that you want?"
The heavy weight on my chest returned, and I took a moment to catch my breath.
"I can be your Luna. That was the entire point of bringing me here, right? To be the Luna of your pack. I can your Luna," I softened my voice and stepped toward him.
But he moved away, and my heart sighed. I tried to blink away the sting from my eyes. This conversation wasn't worth crying over. Not yet, at least. I could hold off my tears for now, even though angry crying was my forte.
"I can take that risk," I went on. "Being a Luna isn't exactly as straightforward as it sounds, but I know I can lead. I can attend meetings and take ideas on board. I can physically train my body and educate myself on matters that need attention. I can look into the killings more and get samples of the deteriorating plants around the bodies. I can find answers. I know I will, but it takes time for those things to happen.
"I can wait. I can- I can treat my anxiety because I know that poses a threat to leadership sometimes - at least for me. I- I can-"
"Ruth," Rueben ran a hand through his hair and attempted to roll the tension away from his shoulders.
"I can learn to love you."
He tucked his face into the palms of his hands. His chest was moving in uneven patterns, and it made mine hurt.
"But you need to take those risks, too."
He was shaking his head, and I almost crumbled with impatience.
"Yes," I nodded. "You need to. You can."
"Please," his voice was muffled.
"What? Just tell me what you need. Tell me. Talk so I can understand you because I don't understand."
Rueben gave me his back for a while as he tried to compose himself. When he faced me again, I saw the fear in his eyes and the vulnerability he'd tried to mask all day. His eyebrows were etched with worry, and his lips were pursed. He couldn't hold my eyes. Instead, he watched my lips, then my neck, then the necklace adorning it.
"Talk to me," I probed.
Our eyes locked.
And as he spoke, the weight on his shoulders deflated with each passing word.
"I want- Ruth, I want to. You have no idea how much I want to freely accept this. Accept the mate bond. I want you to lead with me because you're smart, patient and kind. You're also human. There are too many risks-"
"That I'm willing to take-"
"There are too many risks, Ruth. Your life, for one."
"What else?"
"What else?" He scoffed in disbelief. "Your life isn't so important to you that you're willing to ignore the risk of losing it?"
Rueben moved closer to me, watching me with such pain in his eyes that my soul yearned to comfort him.
"Because you can't. I won't let you sacrifice your own life for the sake of whatever shit show is going on here, okay?"
"That's not your choice to make."
His lips parted, and he merely stared at me like I was delusional. I probably was, but werewolves existed, so I didn't care.
"I won't let you," He firmly stated.
I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded.
"Okay, so I'll leave," I retorted.
I wasn't going to. But I needed a reaction from him. One that revealed his true emotions out in the open for Rueben to see for himself.
His eyes widened, and he made a move to step forward, to catch me in case I decided to run.
"You can't."
"Why? Because you won't let me do that either?"
"You can do whatever you want, but you can't leave without reason."
"My life is a good enough reason. You just said you don't want me to risk it."
"Then I'll protect it. I'll protect your life." He placed a hand on his chest desperately, his breaths coming out fast.
"And stay when you won't even look at me for more than a minute? You want me to stay when you won't acknowledge the fact that we're mates? Sure. And then what? Live my entire life here waiting for you to want me?"
"I do want you!"
His hands reached out to hold my face, and I let him. I let him pull me close and I let him look at me as if he'd rather die than let me go.
"God, I want you." Rueben's voice was lost to his desperation that it came out in small whispers. "I want you all the time. Every moment that I breathe, I want you."
"But?"
"But the thought of losing you tears me apart, Ruth."
"That's always going to be a possibility," I told him the truth, reaching my hands up to touch the hard planes of his chest. "Death doesn't spare anyone. I get scared, too. I'm afraid I'll lose someone without getting the chance to say goodbye. I get scared that I won't have enough time with everyone in my life before I die. But I don't let that stop me from living. Otherwise I'd have died two deaths."
His hold on my face was light, but the power of his gaze held me still within his grasp. Rueben allowed a moment to watch me. My eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my lips. My eyes again. He wouldn't look away this time, and his words finally imprinted into my soul.
I blushed, and he lost his breath again.
"The way you looked at me... I never want to see that look on your face again. I thought I'd be able handle it, but I can't. I don't think I'd be able to breathe if you were ever afraid of me."
"I'm not. Maybe I was confused when I first met you, a little scared of the unknown. I felt like Alice when she found Wonderland. I'd gone into the Rabbit Hole and panicked. But I know you now. I know you're not the monster you think you are, and I'm willing to know more."
A slight brush of his thumb caressed my cheekbone.
"Just give me a chance. That's all I ask." My voice faded into the wisps of air brushing between us.
Rueben held on tighter to my face before his eyes glazed, and his jaw tensed at the interruption. I spotted my reflection in the silver tint of his irises momentarily before the colour retracted. It was fascinating, watching his human body adjust to his primal half.
I opened my mouth to ask if everything was okay, but Rueben, deciding he was too tired to speak, rested his forehead against the crown of my head. The brush of his nose on the tip of mine didn't last an entire second before he was tilting my head to the side to plant a chaste kiss to the cheekbone he'd just caressed.
My heart stuttered and I was so sure I'd gone blind until I realised my eyes had fluttered shut.
"Okay, Ruth," He mumbled into the side of my face. "Okay."
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a/n: something about August and September drives me through a wall. I've been so busy and have no time to sleep lately. But this chapter made me happy because the tension is giving my life some spark :')
[NOT EDITED!]
have a great day/ night <3