» i wish you all a happy new year, i can't believe i don't update since last year *crowd boos* *leaves* i'm sorry
Anywayyyyyy , in the last chapter i dealt with a lot of people feeling confused with what happened, I KNOW it was awful and i don't know what i did there but there's an explanation along the text, i hope you understand now, something just ask now and i will answer :)
btw THIS IS HUGEEE
~*~
He puts Harry's journal on the side and stands up. He finally stands up and walks towards Harry, crouching down straight away when he reaches his side. His hand travel from Harry's leg, to his arm and then to his face. He makes the younger guy look at him by his hand pressed against his cheek and with the available one he puts one lock of Harry's long hair behind his ear. Finally.
Then Louis nods.
"I understand."
Harry stares back at Louis, his lips a bit parted almost as if he is searching for something in Louis' face, Louis' eyes, Louis' touch, Louis' everything. Louis is smiling a little but Harry keeps with the blank expression, his cheeks getting warmer with Louis' gesture and it's been ages since this happened. Ages since these two shared such a tiny little space, where they could feel the other one breathing, could feel the other one alive.
"You... You do?" Harry whispers, his voice hardly coming out but Louis understands. He could even understand just by reading his lips.
Louis drops his hands from Harry's cheek, sliding in a way as if he was caressing his skin. Louis' gaze drops and he looks down, however his lips are still twisted into a smile. "Yes." He quietly answers, not sure if Harry hears it or not.
And that's the moment everything hits Louis, so hard he even has difficulty to hold himself. This was something huge, what happened was something Louis never dared to even think about, to mention, to even think that it'd be a good idea to talk about with Harry. The precisely words weren't spoken, it was almost vague, filled with metaphors and words for Louis to decipher. But in times he was good with this, at reading Harry, so that's what happened now and Louis feels free again.
Harry couldn't say it afraid of the consequences, afraid of the way it could come out but what Louis read made him understand that he and Harry are still in the same page of the same book, they were just ripped off and lost. But they were found out and now they need to be put on the same place so the book can make sense again, because they... they were the important part.
Harry still has Louis kept in his heart and there's no way he can ever get out of there. There's wounds, like Louis has, but it doesn't mean they can't be cured. What Harry feels - and what Louis freaking feels as well - is something between having a crush on someone and saying I love to someone you truly want. He is not quite there because Harry is in love with the idea of being in love with Louis. He wants to love him, he wants to feel that beautiful feeling again, the warmness, the comfort, the relief of knowing that there's someone there to protect him, making him feel safe. That kept Harry alive for so many years, Harry lived for that feeling, lived for him and Louis only. His future was Louis, his present was Louis, everything was LouisLouisLouis.
Harry knows he can't hurt Louis again. He can't and won't allow that to happen, it'd crash him, both. Louis won't let that happen too, he won't let himself break down again and fool himself that maybe he can have back the happiness he once won. That's why he - both, are afraid of trying again. This whole thing is complicated because they have this second chance to make everything even better, to make everything different so there's no room for mistakes.
So the main point here is, the fact that Harry loved loving Louis makes him want to try again, makes him want to go back to have a relationship like before. But before wasn't healthy, before was dependence, before was irrationality... before was one. And Louis and Harry are two people, two people with different ideas, different thoughts, different minds and bodies. They can't throw this away and make the same mistake, they can't hurt each other and others. That's why Louis always said that things can't be like they were before, not because it was impossible, not because he thought they couldn't do it, but because they can be better. They can manage to build something better, yet with the same magic.
So Louis almost feels like crying because he can understand this, it almost makes him have a headache but now he knows he isn't alone on this.
He lets himself fall, in a way of giving up on his body this time and only to lay his head down above Harry's legs, once the curly haired lad had put them down and stretching them in front of his body. Harry almost takes it by surprise, especially when Louis hugs him by the waist at the same time he turns his head and keeps it rested on his thigh.
"I didn't know if it was a good idea to talk about this but... we should have done it sooner." He speaks slowly, feeling the fabric from Harry's jeans on his cheek and Harry is still a bit tense due the sudden move but he is soon coming back to normal. Their breathing starts to come out in union, Harry places his hands to the side and Louis keeps his firmly around Harry's waist. He doesn't even think about how weird this is, how uncomfortable it can get to be laid down on the floor. But he doesn't care, dammit, this is happening.
"Harry..." Louis whispers, after some minutes in silence. "We should try... we should try, please. Something better." he whimpers, he literally whimpers, holding back the emotions even though his eyes burn a little, which interfere with his throat.
Harry sighs but Louis doesn't even dare to look up at his face, he even shuts his eyes tightly not to fall into temptation. Suddenly, he feels Harry's hands resting above his head, first just staying there, just to have a touch and tell Louis that he is there. Then he starts playing with Louis' small and thin locks of hair, twisting them in his fingers, sinking them into his scalp, caressing his hair in such a tender way that Louis couldn't even feel this way when it was Zayn doing it, to comfort him.
"Did you, in these past years..." There's a pause and Louis opens his eyes when hears Harry's voice. "Did you have someone else?" And silence again, because Louis can't even think of an answer. However, Harry doesn't stop touching his hair and Louis decides to tighten his grip around Harry's waist.
But Harry waits for an answer and Louis eventually has to give him one.
"I didn't." Louis answers softly. "I couldn't." Harry nods even though he can't see him. "But, that doesn't mean that I... you know." he sighs and closes his eyes again.
"I know." Harry stops moving his fingers but keeps his hand above his hair. His head falls back, resting it on the wall behind.
"It was at college, it didn't mean... it didn't mean anything, I swear." His voice comes out so fragile and even sad. "Most of the times I was drunk and it was meant to prove something to myself. In a stupid way. But that's what I became, stupid. And lost."
"Hey," Harry moves his fingers again, relaxing Louis a little bit. "you are still in time to find yourself. Nothing is lost forever."
"I'm on my way to do that."
"I can't be your medicine Louis." Louis stiffens in Harry's laps. "You were mine and that was toxic. You can do it alone. I could have done it alone but I knew I had you so I didn't even try it. That isn't good."
"But you did it alone. I always told you that you were doing it alone." Louis tries to move and look up at Harry but the younger guy only puts his other hand above Louis' eyes, shaking.
"You were lying. You knew you were doing most of it. I knew it too. But it's okay now, Louis. I'm still so grateful." He finishes saying the last words going from Louis' hair to the skin from his neck, brushing his thumb there, making Louis shiver. "And I'm going to be by your side, though. It doesn't mean... it doesn't mean I won't be." Louis sighs in relief and tries to nod his head.
"And did you... have someone?" Harry laughs, not a loud and truthful laugh, but it's almost amusing.
"I only kissed one person." He confesses then, his fingers massaging Louis' neck, whose expressions keeps getting relaxed.
"Was it Niall?" Harry laughs again, this time quieter and it ends up with a sigh.
"No, Louis." he answers softly then and Louis' shoulders relax. "I don't know who it was, I went out once with him though, and Stella too, on my birthday. They took me to this place and it was... you know a weird place." it's Louis' time to laugh a little, noticing how flushed Harry's is getting and how innocent he sounds. "But yeah... it didn't matter. I never really looked for someone, maybe that's why love never showed to me. I didn't want it." There's a pause. Harry's fingertips are no longer cold due the warmness of Louis' skin. "Did you ever kiss Zayn?" Harry asks suddenly and actually pretty naturally, as if the question was in the tip of his tongue waiting to be asked for so long. "I feel like... what you two have is something really..." he stops but quickly finishes. "precious."
Louis could say a million things to try to change subject, to twist Harry's mind and his own words but... they need to be honest, don't they? They're only talking to each other, they're understanding what's going on so Louis needs to speak, can't hide anything. So he's direct.
"I did kiss him. Once." He confesses and he is sure Harry just nods and when he gives a quick glance up at him, he sees Harry pressing his lips tightly together and looking forward even though he keeps with the sweet gestures in Louis' skin. "It was... It was on the New Year's party after our conversation." He whispers, wishing he would never need to say these words, because he knows, he knows what Harry is going to think and say next.
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," he hugs Harry again by his waist and fuck, should he think now that this is weird? The fact that they've been talking such things in this position, with Harry caressing Louis' nape, just touching him, while Louis feels his eyes wet while his face his rested on his thigh, it should be weird. It should. But there's so much happening that Louis can't care about it. "I know, I know what you're thinking and I swear he was the only person I kissed because I knew...I knew how you always wanted to have that new year's kiss with me," he sinks his face on Harry's fabric. "and I wanted that too, so badly. Since ever. I swear, even before thinking about loving you the way I did, I thought about it. I'm sorry I ruined this for us, but... Was that," he whimpers, cleaning his face on Harry's shirt, Harry is shocked feeling the wetness of Louis' tears. "Was that ever going to happen? Will that ever happen? I don't think... I don't know, I'm so sorry, I -"
"Hey baby," Harry calls him softly and his tone of voice, so sweet, so calm and he calls him baby, Harry calls Louis baby, not mate, not just Louis but baby and there's this tenderness in his voice that Louis recognises but at the same time is like watching one of those home-made videos where Harry's voice is still so little and just like a teenager should sound. It feels nostalgic. "It's okay... it's..." he sighs while Louis tries to keep his sobs quiet. He starts pushing Louis' fringe away from his forehead and tries his best to wipe Louis' small tears away. "Don't cry."
"I don't even know why I am crying." Louis leans over to the touch of Harry's fingers and takes a deep breathe. "I started hating crying so much."
"No one likes to cry, Louis." Harry caresses his temples. "But it's good crying."
"Not always."
"It is. Was there any time that you started feeling worse after crying? Isn't it the otherwise?" Louis takes some time and thinks. He wipes his face on Harry's jeans one more time and then grabs the end of his shirt tightly, sniffling.
"It is." He hoarsely answers and Harry softly taps his head this time. They fall into silence and Louis takes that time to think, blankly staring again at one precisely point, waiting for his eyes to heal and himself to process this episode. He isn't even sure what is happening but he will handle it. Harry is here, he will definitely handle it.
He doesn't know how many time it passes, he doesn't even care about calling Zayn anymore, he doesn't even feel like moving but somehow he yawns, making his eyes watering a bit again and that's Harry's cue to react.
"You're sleepy."
"No," Louis doesn't even recognise his voice. "Just... comfy."
"You're laid down on the floor, Louis." Harry laughs. "And my bum hurts." And it's Louis' turn to laugh. "You must be tired with the trip and everything." Louis only hums and keeps with his position on Harry's lap. "To the bed we go then."
"No!" he protest, now extending the word even though his voice sounds weak and almost like a kid.
"Yes!" Harry mimics his tone and Louis doesn't understand - he never really did when these kind of things happened but somehow Harry manages to move, making Louis drop his head from his lap, however he also manages to get Louis' in his arms to carry him. And isn't he strong? Louis didn't need to know that Harry is actually able to hold Louis in bridal style, up from the floor only with the strength of his legs.
Louis literally groans when Harry gets him in his arms and starts walking. He doesn't even get time to put his arms around Harry's neck - but he feels the muscles from his chest and shoulders pressed against his body and that's just too much - because they soon reach the mattress and Harry drops in his knees to lay Louis down on the side of the bed he slept the last time he stayed over.
"Harry..." Louis pouts, he isn't too award of his actions anymore, he feels like he is floating, all of this events have made him hit his limit and he was so comfy previously otherwise it'd look like.
"Louis..." Harry says back, a small smile appearing on his lips and Louis really wants to giggle and maybe he is even blushing but he just watches the beautiful boy, whose face is just above his. "You good?" He asks and Louis only nods. "Want me to get your pyjamas?" Louis shakes his head this time. "Are you going to sleep like this?" Louis bites his bottom lip. "I'm not going to undress you babe." Harry laughs and Louis sighs in defeat. Harry shakes his head, still with a grin playing on his lips and then leans over to press a kiss on Louis' nose. He keeps smiling when pulls away. He needs to keep smiling, especially when he looks deeply into Louis' blue eyes. It's just a shame that the room is just illuminated by the Christmas lights Harry has. "I'm going to get ready to sleep, okay?"
"Okay." Louis mutters.
Harry pulls away and gets up from bed, pulling over the blankets to cover Louis and then goes undress his clothes and dress his own pyjamas. Louis is subtle, after everything Louis can still be subtle but he watches how Harry's muscles flex with the way he pulls his shirt out from his back, how his arms look like when he unbuttons his jeans and he also admires Harry's tattoo. Harry's tattoo for Louis. He gives with himself smiling a bit with the memory, from not that long ago.
Harry walks back to the mattress, laying down right next to Louis. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep?"
"Will you be here?" Louis asks in a tiny, tiny whisper.
"Of course."
"Then yes." He answers and he hopes he is right. He really does.
Harry turns his face to Louis, just to have one last look at him and the older guy truly tries his best not to look back, his eyes too tired to even do that. Harry looks away and rolls over to face his back to Louis and also covering himself better with the blankets.
"Good night, Lou." He says and Louis' lips move to say the same two words but no sound comes out, making him giving up. "And yes." he says and Louis frowns even though being as sleepy as he is. "Yes we should try. Something better." He finishes and Louis can't speak, this time not only because he is too sleepy but also because there's no words left. So maybe he stays awake for a little bit more time than he should, the silence making him company but he eventually falls asleep and maybe he has a good dream. He doesn't know, because it's like he didn't dream about anything, which it isn't bad itself.
~*~
Next day Louis wakes and he might panic a little, not only because he is in a much different bed he has been waking up in lately but also because he is alone. And it is Tuesday. He has work.
He quickly sits up on the mattress and looks around, his heart is beating so fast in his chest, he feels dizzy and so confused that it's even hard to keep his eyes fixed in one place only. He notices he still has his clothes from yesterday, he has sleep in his eyes and his hair is bothering him too much. It must be a mess.
He crawls to the floor, out of the supposed bed and walks to the kitchen's area. He sees a cup of coffee and a yellow note on the counter at the side.
It must be cold by now, just put on the microwave. I went for a run, get comfy or just go back to sleep because you looked very pretty. -H
Louis has time to smile a little with the message, however he gets his phone from his jacket still rested on the couch to check the time. He has two missed calls from Zayn but he doesn't even see that, it's almost a quarter past eight, he is fucked. He shoves it back and then puts the coffee heating up on the microwave as Harry said, meanwhile he gets a pen and writes on the same note Harry has left for him.
I had to go to work, thank you for everything, we will see each other very soon.x
He doesn't even think if it sounds right but he has no time to think about that. He goes to the bathroom, pees, washes his face, fixes his hair and even puts a bit of toothpaste on his teeth, too in a hurry to get his toothbrush. He gets back to the kitchen, drinks his coffee while trying to put on his shoes without the help of his hands, resulting in a disaster, really.
When he finishes, he puts the mug on the sink, dresses his jacket and gets his suitcase. Now the big problem, how is he supposed to get to work if there's no way he can know if a bus is stopping near here and he has no money with him at the moment? He is running down the stairs, the suitcase hitting hard each step he takes and he honestly doesn't know what he is going to do.
Harry should have remembered that he had to go to work the next day, he should have brought his car, Zayn should have picked the god damn phone and... and... fuck. He can't skip work and maybe he is too stubborn to call Zayn and ask him to pick him up from Harry's. Would he come anyway? Would he pick up the phone this time even after calling Louis an hour ago?
"Hey, mate!" Louis quickly turns his eyes to the elevator area after he reaches the first floor. And maybe it's Ed who speaks to him but Louis only sees an angel. An angel with ginger hair, but that's just an insignificant detail.
"Hi, Ed." He tries to act naturally, as if he is not breathing heavily after running down the stairs with a suitcase behind him, as if his eyes don't show his anxiety and as if his hair is looking like that because he decided to brush it that way.
"You good?" He raises his eyebrow looking at the blue eyed guy. "You look like a runway." Ed looks over at his suitcase and observes better his face. "Did you just rob Harry?" Louis would laugh but now he nods. He is nodding like a fucking idiot, which only makes Ed laughing loudly. "Okay, I won't tell him. I'm going to have a class now so I have no time to worry about that." Louis finds himself laughing as well but then he decides to speak.
"Sorry man, this is going to sound so inconvenient but, well... I have a problem." He holds tighter his bag in his hand.
"Oh, I love problems. Always loved problems." Ed jokes, clearly being ironic.
"Who doesn't, right?" Louis chuckles. "But, yeah, I have to go to work and Harry decided to be healthy so he went for a run, so in conclusion I have no way to get there. And I'm getting late." He sighs.
"You want a ride then?"
"Erm, if it's not, like, a bother?" He says carefully but Ed only smiles.
"Sure, man." He says and starts walking outside, making signal for Louis to follow him. He doesn't even have time to thank the ginger guy because they quickly reach their car and then he speaks. "Hey, about Harry's key -"
"Oh, I have it on my wallet I'm glad you remembered!"
"No, no..." Ed interrupts him with a brief laugh. "That's not... hum, you can keep it." Louis stops rummaging in his bag for his wallet to quickly look at the guy with his hands on the wheel.
"What? No." He furrows his eyebrows but Ed kind of ignores him, while turning on his car.
"Yes. You're a good guy and... you know him better than everyone else he hangs out with. He trusts you better than he trusts everyone else he has been talking for the past years. I think it'd be more practical for you to have it." Louis sits straight on the seat and looks carefully at the ginger guy.
"I can't keep it. That key is yours, Harry gave it to you, you need it and he wants you to have it. He didn't give it to me, I'm new in his life and -"
"New?" Ed laughs and Louis should feel offended by the way he is laughing at him, but the guy's appearance doesn't let him. "If you're new in his life then why does he talk about you since the first day I entered in his flat and saw that one picture in his wall of a young guy, with blue eyes and that'd make Harry match his wide smile, just by him looking at it? You're not new in his life, otherwise you wouldn't be leaving his flat at eight in the morning, after taking him to god knows where for three days. Yes, I noticed." He finishes and Louis isn't even able to look at him in the eyes. What colour are Ed's eyes? He will never know, he will never know.
"I can't keep it." Louis ends up saying, looking down at his knees. He hears Ed starting the car after leaving a sigh escaping his lips. Harry could even get mad with Louis for having his key and he doesn't only thinks this way just by the way he reacted when Louis opened the door from his flat that day Harry didn't open the door for him. It's a big step and Louis already thinks things are going so far and quickly. He needs a break, he needs to go slower or he'll get hit by the bus.
Eventually, Louis tells Ed he is a teacher and indicates him the school he needs to take him to. Ed probably doesn't notice how Louis keeps searching for his wallet in the bag and then takes the key from the little zipper – definitely ignoring the picture he still saves there of him and Harry kissing. He keeps it in his hand, clenching his fit till it leaves the mark on the palm of his hand.
Ed stops his car in front of the school, not too long after the bell rang for the first period. "Thank you very much, you saved my day." Louis says, smiling the best he can. Ed smiles back and then nods.
"It's okay. I wasn't in a hurry anyway and I like you, mate."
"I like you too." Louis laughs. "Except your cat. I don't like your cat."
"No one does." Poor cat.
"I'm going then. Here." He says dropping the key from Harry's flat on the little storage space underneath the radio.
"All right." Ed nods as if accepting his decision. "If you need anything, you know where I live."
"Thanks. Have a good day." Louis smiles and leaves the car with everything that is his with him. That's when begins.
He runs, meeting some students on the way that probably overslept and now are in the same circumstances as him and this time he can't even argue with them.
~*~
"Louis!" Louis hears calling from him while walks along the hallway back to his room, after the morning classes have finished. He doesn't look back, he tightly grabs his book in his hand, by the side of his body and keeps walking. "Louis." Zayn calls him again but he is quick getting inside of his cabinet - he likes to call it that even though there's more teachers sharing it and he has a tiny space with an empty table. "Didn't you hear me calling for you?" Zayn gets in anyway and Louis drops his book on the table, sitting there next to his suitcase spotted on the floor.
"Zayn," He tries to sound normal. Failing a bit. "no I didn't, I'm sorry."
"Yes you did you asshole." He rolls his eyes and leans over Louis' desk, crossing his arms against his chest. He looks good, he looks so much better than when Louis had remembered. Everything that happened almost made him forget that he actually missed Zayn a bit but it's kind of an insult seeing him looking hotter since the last time. He has a messy tie hanging around his neck, the first button from his white shirt is undone, his sleeves are up till his elbows revealing a few tattoos he has on his wrist and arm and his hair is done in a messy quiff that honestly Louis would only use it that way at home after a long day, but Zayn still looks amazing to walk on the catwalk. Louis also rolls his eyes but it's only by the vision. He is surrounded by hot people he can't bang.
"I'm good, what about you? Long-time no seeing you." Louis smiles and Zayn knows that smile, Zayn knows that smile too well.
"Hey, I'm sorry, can I explain?"
"What about you?" He repeats, his smile not losing form. Louis can't believe he is this good.
Zayn sighs in defeat, he needs to do this in Louis' way. "I'm good."
"Good." Louis answers, nodding and smiling, that stupid fake smile. Then he only looks down and gets his book and papers to get ready for the next class, even though he is in lunch break.
"Little one..." Zayn gets closer from Louis' chair and crouches down, holding himself by the tip of his toes.
"Don't call me that." Louis says way too brutally and then notices it, biting his bottom lip. "Don't call me that... here." He corrects himself, now his tone softer.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, not only for that but for yesterday. I knew you were coming home but I..." He sighs. "And I didn't answer your calls. It wasn't on purpose, I swear, just -"
"Where were you?" Louis asks, interrupting his friend. Zayn looks a bit surprised at him, which okay, Louis understands why, but he still raises his eyebrows and asks again. "Where?"
"I was with Liam." Louis furrows his eyebrows. "We were hanging out."
"For that long? And you couldn't even pick the phone?" Zayn opens his mouth then shuts it.
"I know... I could," Zayn looks down and then stands up. "I was just distracted, it's no excuse I know... but yeah."
"Were you out on a bar? You both don't do that when you have work the next day. You only called me at half past seven, was that when it hit you that maybe I needed to get home and a ride for work?"
"No, shit," Zayn says frustrated and then passes his fingers through his hair. "I was at his place, just hanging out. We drank too much wine perhaps and I ended up staying at his place." Louis can't really believe what he is listening to, it's just bizarre. It's almost as if Zayn forgot about him, Zayn never forgets about him. Apart from that day when he left with Stella, Louis should have stayed mad but he didn't, but this time he doesn't even know. This isn't Zayn, Zayn doesn't do that, Zayn doesn't disappoint him but lately, after he got to know that he told everything at Liam, he doesn't know anymore.
"Right," He nods. "I don't even want to know anything else." He says, as calm as possible.
"Louis,"
"It's fine. It's okay." He takes a deep breathe but then looks up with a small smile on his lips. "You don't need to explain to me what you do or you don't do." Why is he even saying this? "Different lives, remember?" He smiles wider, not with his eyes though, his eyes look blankly at Zayn but his smile covers that up.
"Hey..." Zayn tries to speak and gets closer to Louis again but he doesn't allow that to happen. He doesn't need Zayn to see that this just crashed him down a bit, he doesn't need to have Zayn trying to read his thoughts and help him with something he doesn't even need to get bothered with.
"Stop. Don't try to make this." He says calmly, not looking at Zayn. "I said it's fine. Just don't forget about me at the end of the day." He reminds the dark haired guy.
There's silence for some seconds but Zayn speaks afterwards. "Okay. I'm sorry." Louis nods. "How did you get here? Did you spend well the night?"
"Harry's neighbour brought me here, since Harry went for a run. And yes, I did spend well the night." He tries his best to keep his tone normal and he really needs to look okay, he needs to look, sound and seem like what he says is the truth. He needs to be good to himself and somehow he knows if he tries to pressure Zayn to say stuff, to make him tell him what he has been doing, almost controlling every step he takes like it had been the last few years, he will feel guilty. He will feel guilty to keep depending on Zayn, to keep thinking that Zayn is a forever, that Zayn owns him everything, even what he does in his life... He will feel guilty to keep doing things the wrong way.
"Good. Are we good?"
"We are." Louis nods and rests his hand on Zayn's wrists friendly but is quick to pull away.
"Good." Zayn repeats, then he walks to his own desk, next to Louis'.
Louis reaches for his phone and sees two messages from Harry, he doesn't really wants to admit that he was expecting it.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THAT YOU HAD WORK TODAY, I'M SORRY.
Ed sent me a message telling me he gave you a drive, I can't believe it had to be him doing that instead of me.
Louis shakes his head but types an answer. All good, I reached on time and I don't blame you for not knowing my schedule LIKE I KNOW YOURS. Kidding. What about having lunch together so I can forgive you?x
The answer comes quicker than he thought. I might be on my way to pick you up already.
Louis can't stop but smile when reads it and doesn't waste time to get his stuff done, not worrying about bringing anything besides his coat, since he has no money with him - he will have to pay for the meal later to Harry -, to walk away from the room.
"Where are you going?" Zayn asks noticing Louis walking out.
"Having lunch with Harry."
"Oh. I thought we were going together with Liam. As usual, you know?" Fuck.
"Yes, erm... Sorry I don't really want to ruin this routine and left you guys but -"
"It's okay." Zayn smiles and it actually seems genuine. Louis doesn't understand. "Go on. Have fun, I'm happy that you two are okay now." Louis nods smiling back.
"I am too."
~*~
Two weeks pass by and Louis doesn't quite understand his life. It's weird, he doesn't know how to feel, he doesn't know how he manages to sleep, he doesn't know how he manages to just walk out from his flat for work and back there feeling okay. Normal. Happy.
He has been the most tolerate person with Zayn ever. He talks with him like he talked before he left to Doncaster. He shows him that he is fine, that they are fine. He has been eating lunch with Harry after work and if it's not with him he just goes to his coffee shop visiting him, with Zayn and Liam. It's always good in the middle of the day go to see Harry, see his eyes, see his smile, see what he does when usually Louis is at work.
It's good, it's warm and Louis is okay with this whole thing. He likes to believe he is doing things right. He likes to think that he is putting himself first, because he can finally care about himself without needing the others to care about him in the first place. He needs them, yes, but he also needs himself. He needs to be his own medicine.
He calls his mother more often as well, the weather doesn't bother him, classes go just fine, he has been talking with Johnathan after class almost every day, he is enjoying again what he is doing, he is enjoying his flat a little bit more because he has been going to look out from the window not only when he needs to smoke and he has also stop sleeping on the couch. He still doesn't like his room, much less his bed. He still doesn't like to feel alone, he can't be alone in the flat, or in the streets. He always tries to have someone next to him. It's mostly Harry, especially when somehow he decides to go almost every day pick him up from work. But that's an excuse because at the end Harry goes back to his flat in his own car, as well as Louis goes back to Zayn in his own car as well.
He just goes there to pick Harry for a walk on the cold street, he might see Niall too often as well but he sticks up for a wave, however Niall always smiles at him before turning back to give attention to Stella or his guitar.
It's Sunday morning and Louis isn't hangover and soon is around the afternoon and he isn't sleeping, neither sat on the couch watching TV with Zayn. They had lunch at home - Liam was there somehow -, Louis tried to cook something, which only ended up with them ordering Chinese take away and then he finished some work for school, since Zayn did his in the morning, Louis went doing some grocery with Delilah. Surprising, he knows, but it's good, it's good dealing with new people and she's from the same building and Louis always liked the way she looked and the way she smiled and said good morning to everyone, the way Louis didn't do but wanted to. He saw Liam on the way, probably to make Zayn some company, or maybe they're like high school students, who like to do work together. So that's why he crashed there for a while, till going back home before Louis could even finish work.
"We haven't had a time only for us, in a while..." Zayn says when Louis appears in the kitchen, if Zayn looked at him he'd ask why he is dressed in such way and not with his sweatpants and hoodie. "Maybe we could hang out today. I miss our old times."
Louis looks over at him, Zayn has his feet under the coffee table while watching some documentary about sharks. Louis would say he is talking at the TV.
"Today?"
"Yes. Why not?" But then Zayn finally looks away from the screen to look at Louis.
"Erm, yes, okay but I'm going out with Harry now." Zayn raises his eyebrow because, yes, he didn't know about that.
"Oh, leave it then. We can go another time." He turns around to the screen again.
"Nonsense." Louis says and walks over towards his friend. "It's just till the end of the day. We can hang out when I come back. Maybe even have dinner out and go watch a movie. Or just have a marvel marathon again like we used to."
"Can we cuddle?" Zayn asks, hope filling his eyes.
"We sure can, so get ready." Louis smiles.
"That sounds good. Have fun with Harry, text me when you think you'll be back soon." Louis nods and walks over again.
"Okay, love." He hears Zayn laughing and it's an amazing sound, not only because it's Zayn but because Louis did it. Louis made Zayn let out that sound, which is so much better than listening to Zayn shouting at him from worry when he is crouched down in front of a toilet with tears in his eyes.
~*~
"Where are we going?" Louis asks looking at the side, at Harry's profile. His eyes are focused forward but Louis sees a dimple forming up on his cheek just by hearing the sound of Louis' voice.
"Thought you would never ask." Harry jokes, right in time when they stop on a traffic light. He joins his hands together, rubbing them in each other. "We're going to the aquarium." Louis, who previously was laughing, stops and carefully looks at Harry. The green eyed boy is looking back at him, his look and smile soft and warm.
"The aquarium?" He says but only to hear the word out loud from him and... remember.
"Yes, seems good to you?" Harry says and Louis can't almost understand why his tone is so neutral to the subject.
"Yes..." he says slowly. The light turns green, making Harry drive away, but Louis composes himself and feels the need to repeat in a more steady voice. "Yes." Harry keeps smiling looking at the road and Louis is no one to keep looking at him, but he does it anyway.
They reach the park that goes to the aquarium itself and Louis can't even say a word, neither ask himself, much less Harry, the reason why he'd bring him here like this. He literally just texted Louis asking him if he wanted to hang out because he was a bit bored and it'd be a waste stay at home in such a sunny day, which is so unusual. Louis accepted because till there he didn't know anything better to do.
He wonders if he is trying too hard, if they are trying too hard since none of them have touched the subject about trying something better. Louis feels like talking about it but he doesn't know what to say, he just feels like mentioning waiting for something Harry has to say because he likes the subject, it gives him hope and makes him feel all warm on the inside. He doesn't know what to feel, what to think so maybe that's why he doesn't know what to say and keeps quiet.
His soul is so out of his body that he doesn't even notices what is happening when they get in the building and Harry pays for their tickets.
"Hey!" Louis protests, waking up. "I have money this time. I can pay." Harry ignores and walks forward, to the inside. "I'm talking to you, Styles." Louis says loudly quickly walking towards Harry, farther away from him.
"I'm listening, Tomlinson. Now come on." He raises his arms and calls from him, not really looking back and keeping walking inside.
"Let me pay." Louis stops and he almost looks and sounds like a kid, he even hits his foot on the ground.
Harry stops and Louis sees his shoulders going up and down slowly, meaning he takes a deep breathe. He turns around, a smirk playing on his face and then he walks towards Louis. The smaller man gives a step behind and looks surprise by the way Harry quickly reaches for him, more specifically for his hand.
"Aren't these type of discussions only meant to be done when people are on dates?" Harry asks and he doesn't wait for an answer, he doesn't want an answer. He keeps Louis' hand in his and drags him to the inside in a quick step. Louis eyes only keep wide looking at his broad back, his curls moving from the back of his head and okay. Okay.
It gets calmer. It gets really calmer, they walk around the aquarium and Louis is too fascinated with the vision of what's around and above him. It's so blue, so pretty and it makes him feel like he is really underwater. He is free, he is in peace, it's quiet and relaxing and he is just hanging around with no worries now, his mind cleaned and it makes him forget that there's actual people around him.
Harry keeps always by his side though, his camera hanging around his neck he is busy taking pictures but he doesn't really forget about Louis. Neither does Louis forgets about him. He keeps looking back making sure Harry is there and he just doesn't notice the way Harry always looks at him after snapping a picture.
"Louis!" He hears Harry's voice while he is looking at the weird fishes, feeling too overwhelmed to read the name of them but knowing if he did he wouldn't be able to pronounce it anyway. Louis looks around to meet his gaze, his lips twist into a smile just to see the way how beautiful Harry looks with the blue reflecting on his face, contrasting with the dark of the background. The same moment that happens, Harry puts his camera in front of his eyes and snaps a picture of Louis.
Louis' eyes go wide, no, no, no, no. "No," He walks towards Harry trying to stop him to look at the picture he just took and with the aim of getting the camera and delete it. "give me that, give me!" he says a bit loudly when Harry steps away when Louis tries to grab him. Harry holds the camera with one hand and pushes Louis away gently with the other.
"Stop it." Harry chuckles, but really, Louis doesn't feel like laughing now.
"Harry, let me delete it."
"No." Harry frowns, still with a half-smile on his lips. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing." Louis looks down, realising what he is doing. "Let me just... delete it. Don't look at it." He sounds like an idiot but this is kind of a desperate situation. Harry doesn't answer and Louis, confused due the silence, looks up and sees Harry looking at the screen from his camera. "Harry..."
"You look..." Harry starts, not taking his eyes off from the picture. "I thought your eyes looked good with this blue." he says and Louis notices the way his voice changed from before. He dares to walk closer from the taller guy. "So I wanted to..." He stops and Louis is sure he was going to apologise, but he looks up at him and Louis almost panics because what is happening? He feels an overwhelming in his belly, he feels like he is falling over an abyss, or maybe is kind of that feeling he almost falls from the chair or misses a step on the stairs but instead of being for just a moment, it doesn't stop. What did Harry see in the picture? Did he see what Louis feared him to see or did he saw something else and maybe he felt disappointed... or relief. Relief is no good. Disappointment makes Louis confused. "Louis... I can't want you more than I do right now. It will kill me."
Louis gulps in dry, he needs to drink water, his lips part and his eyes get a bit wide. He feels a familiar feeling in his throat and he wants to move, he wants to take a step forward, but he doesn't want this to happen now.
Louis wants to tell him no, stop and that Harry doesn't really want him that much, he doesn't want him that way and he still can handle it well but he can't really find the courage to say that.
"But I'll want you so much more," he continues and Louis wants to run away. However, he also wants to keep listening to him. "and neither you and I will be able to stop that." he gets one step closer from Louis and puts his hand above his cheek. "And I'm kind of glad of it."
"You will be killed..."
"You will be there for me." Harry answers easily and maybe is the way it comes out perfectly that makes Louis shiver.
Louis wakes up from reality when Harry only keeps his hand there looking at him in fond and that's enough. That's definitely enough for Louis. "All right, let's keep going." Louis pulls away and starts walking immediately, Harry smiles from behind but follows him proudly.
~*~
Louis doesn't know how it happened, but somehow Harry also takes him for dinner since they spent so much time inside the aquarium. Louis kind of feels it like a déjà vu when Harry stops the car inside of an Italian restaurant. He wants to punch him, then Harry makes him realise that he knows what he is doing because he mentions the day Louis took him on a date in a posh Italian restaurant when they travelled to Liverpool, where he spent almost all his money, so Louis wants to kill him. But the difference from today and the day years ago is that this time they don't drink pepsi, they actually drink the best wine from there. The alcohol makes it all easy for Harry so Louis let him live, also add more details about their first date and how he almost died by how full he was after the dessert, so basically Louis likes to see this day as a reunion. Two old best friends joined to remember the old times.
So Harry brings Louis home again, and maybe he is a bit too dizzy and it's a little too late but his head is in the clouds.
"Thank you so much for tonight." Louis says, prolonging the 'o' from the word so.
"My pleasure." Harry answers and Louis smiles at him, not only because of the words exchanged, but also because Harry's cheeks look way too red and his eyes way too bright.
"Thank you." Louis repeats, now slower and his voice husky but tender.
"You're welcome." Harry answers the same way, none of them take their eyes off from each other and Louis nods.
"Goodbye." it's Harry's time to nod, however he shakes his head next and before Louis can open the door fully he speaks.
"I want to finish filling all the blank spaces." Louis stops and looks at a specific dark spot from Harry's car. "Thank you for reminding me about that." Louis raises his head and looks one last time at the curly haired lad. He can only smile and nods again, there aren't words to actually say something that fits here.
So going to the aquarium, check. And that can only make Louis happy.
"Have a good night." Louis says before opening the car and leave. Harry probably says something else but he doesn't understand.
He walks to the building, calls for the elevator and gets in to go to his floor. He takes his keys from the pocket of his jeans and opens the door. He walks to the kitchen where he sees the light from the TV screen illuminating the space. When he gets in he sees Zayn smoking besides the opened window, the TV forgotten and being replaced by the sky.
Fuck.
Louis is actually glad that he has alcohol in his blood right now. "Zayn?" He calls for his friend. The dark haired man doesn't react to the sound of his voice, he only keeps smoking his cigarette. "I know, man... I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this but I forgot. It makes me sound like an asshole, I know." He admits trying to have some kind of reaction from the other guy.
Zayn sinks the cigarette on the ashtray slowly and it almost makes Louis nervous. "You always saw me as him." Louis heart falls and hits the floor and when Louis takes a step back, he smashes it with his feet.
"What?"
"You wanted him so you used me as your best friend."
"Stop right there." He says loudly, unlike Zayn, whose voice is actually making Louis want to puke. Zayn finally meets Louis' eyes, he almost looks calm but Louis knows that's Zayn's way of dealing with him. He knows he will change and he'll go to the next method but Louis doesn't want to, doesn't need that.
"You need to know what you've been doing and what I always hid from you."
"Like you hid from me that you told everything to Liam?" Louis covers his lips with his hands, he didn't want to say this. He didn't want to reveal this this way. Zayn should have been the one telling him this.
Zayn doesn't even react to his words, he doesn't look surprised, doesn't even look guilty. He keeps with the same expression he first had when looked at Louis. "I did it to help you." Louis wants to laugh, he really does. "Everything I do is to help you."
"Even when you forgot about me when we all hung out and you went with Stella or the when I came back from Doncaster and you were with Liam? Was that to help me?"
"Do you realise that you're attacking me with that and forgetting about everything I've done for you..." Louis opens his mouth in shock.
"Fuck you. I don't want to listen to this." Louis shakes his head and turns around.
"You need to listen to this, Louis." Zayn keeps talking calmly and that's what pisses Louis off the most, Zayn knows what he is doing and Louis hates this. He wants to shout but he bites his bottom lip hard to prevent that to happen. "Louis." Zayn calls him and then he feels a hand grabbing his writs, stopping him to walk away then Zayn is pressing him against the wall close from him.
"No." Louis shouts in his face. "I'm tired of you treating me like this. You won't do this anymore." He tries to release himself from Zayn but he was always stronger, he always knew how and when he should do this. Zayn knows he hit something Louis doesn't like but needs to listen to and he knows how to deal with it.
"Can you even imagine how you make me feel Louis? Think about that, for once, try to think about how other people feel." He talks louder close to Louis. The blue eyed guy shuts his eyes, he can't. He can't and he doesn't want to try thinking about how Zayn is feeling. "You found him and you fucking forgot about me."
"No." Louis shouts and starts moving his body, his eyes getting wet by how frustrated he is feeling but it only makes Zayn grabbing his two wrists.
"Yes, Louis. I always knew you just wanted to replace him and you used me. But I always acted okay with that. But I don't want you to push me away."
"I don't. I won't. I can't do that, I'm doing this right, it's not only me and him. I can't do that again."
"You're forgetting about me, Louis." Louis shakes his head, clenching his jaw and Zayn looks at him sadly. "You always saw him instead of me. That's why you kissed me in the new year's party, that's why you called me Harry after those nightmares."
"No, Zayn, please..." Louis is actually giving up on releasing himself.
"That's why you always made me do with you the things you used to do with him. That's why when we fight you never apologised first because it wasn't worth it for you. That fucking hurt Louis, that fucking hurts." Zayn's voice breaks and fuck no, this isn't happening, Louis can't let this happen. Zayn is even losing his strength and Louis doesn't want to see the way Zayn is looking at him, the way his eyes look like. Zayn never cries.
Louis sees his opportunity when Zayn loses his grip on his wrist to push him away from him and release himself. Zayn loses his balance and walks some steps behind, however when Louis looks at him he sees him with his arm above his eyes.
"Stop this." Louis shouts. "You can't say this to me. I don't... You're Zayn, I know you're Zayn."
"But you always wished I was him," he cries and when he drops his arm to the side Louis sees the small tears falling from his eyes, a thing that Louis never really witnesses. "and that never made you see how much I'd do for you, how much I wished you could be okay every time I'd hear you crying in the middle of the night, or see you getting drunk and losing yourself. He came now and suddenly you're all full of life. I'm so grateful for it but he just did that. He appeared and I did everything but never had that chance to feel like I actually helped you. That you actually got better. He was the one guilty for the way you were and the reason why I was trying to fix you." Zayn sniffs and cleans his face with the sleeves of his shirt. "You wouldn't hear me because at the end of the day you would see my eyes instead of the green ones you wished you could see. I would hug you, I would give you words to hold you, but you wished for his kisses and I'm sorry that I could never give you that. I tried to remind you that I was Zayn... but you wanted me to pretend I was someone I wasn't."
Louis paralyses. Louis' all world and body freezes. His tears stop falling from his eyes and the colour of his eyes gets darker, almost black. He stops breathing for some seconds, literally, too in shock to actually react to something. He is having a panic attack but he is in silence, he is keeping it down and inside of himself because now it's all too fresh, all too soon, all too dark. He doesn't want it to get darker.
"Leave." He speaks, emotionless.
"No."
"Leave. Now." Zayn shakes his head. "If you don't leave, I will." it pains his heart to even say it. "That will be worse."
"Worse for who?" Louis looks at Zayn, his eyes transmitting a challenge, being daring. Louis doesn't speak but Zayn gets the answer.
The dark haired guy presses his lips together, he grabs his jacket from the couch and leaves the kitchen. Louis keeps stood up looking at the floor where only the light from the TV hitting it tells him that there's still life out there, he is still breathing. A few minutes later he hears the front door being shut and he falls.
Louis has trouble breathing but he doesn't deserve anyone to help him now. He needs to do it on his own. Even though Zayn left - left with bags with him - he did it for Louis. It'd be worse for Louis, he knew that. It'd always be worse for Louis, whatever the situation would be. Leaving is such a strong word for him. Louis can't leave anyone, but he can handle someone leaving him because he handled with it before. He couldn't leave someone knowing the pain he'd cause. He felt it already. He'd be selfish.
~*~
» so zouis is mad at each other, i hope you don't hate zayn now, he doesn't deserve your hate, he is good and he isn't a bad character, he wants the best for Louis and he isn't jealous (maybe a bit you see) but he only wants to wake Louis up and he knows how he is dealing with him and he says what louis needs to say , the kind of relationship louis and harry didn't have. Louis needs Zayn, Zayn tries to make Louis need him in a healthy way, but sometimes it doesn't work.
questions
what do you think Harry saw in the picture he took from Louis? And what do you think it made Louis so afraid of him seeing it?