Hi, Moonlights! To answer some of you, YES, I want them to kiss too, lmao XD Enjoy!
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Chapter 10: Let's Confuse Each Other
I messed up. Big time. I shouldn't have left him there. I shouldn't have acted so immaturely. I should have been a real friend because he certainly needed that more than a freak show named Selena. Instead, I shouted at him and ran away because of all the stupid issues I have inside my head. I should have acted rationally.
All day these thoughts were playing in my head like a broken record. I'm so full of regret and embarrassment, that by the end of the day when I've already sent the email to Austin, all I want to do is sleep.
I can't though. I can't sleep, I can't work for my next show, I can't even eat the full tube of ice cream lying next to me.
I keep tossing and turning and tossing some more, until I sit up exhausted, knowing that I will not be able to sleep without apologizing.
It's almost 2 in the morning when I press my phone to my ear, waiting for him to pick up. With every passing second, my mind starts to make up all these crazy scenarios, where he cusses at me and ends the call on my face. Because honestly, that's what I deserve.
When Kai picks up on the 5th ring, I let out a relieved sigh.
"Selena? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Kai asks me the second he picks up. I hear the sounds of honks and cars and someone cursing, and I assume he's outside.
"Uh, hey. No, everything is fine, I just..." I sigh running my fingertips lightly over my blanket, in my usual playing the piano move. "Look, if I didn't talk to you, I'd not be able to sleep or function. I... I'm sorry." And then I start to ramble as fast as I can before he gets the chance to cut me off.
"I knew you were not in the mood today; I should have acted like a friend and not lash out at you instead. I was just confused and angry because you didn't understand where my logic was, but then again, I never explained it to you... But you lied to me too, which still really upsets me and I want to kill you for it and... Urgh, what I am trying to say is that I'm really, really sorry for not being your friend when you needed me to be it."
Kai doesn't say anything for a whole painful minute, while my anxiety gets massive.
"Sorry doesn't fix everything." He says and I better he kept silent.
"I know but I th_," I hurry to make excuses, but Kai cuts me off with a chuckle.
"But you keep hitting on me all the time and it kind of makes me forgive you for everything. Even though I think it's inappropriate since I'm your boss now."
"What? I'm not hitting on you."
"Relax. I don't find it inappropriate, keep it up." I growl, done with him.
"Does this mean we are okay?" I ask, just to make sure.
"We are perfect..." As soon as he says it, I look up to the ceiling, mentally thanking everyone above.
Thank you God Almighty. Thank you, Jesus and Mary.
"I get you, you know. I get why you were upset with me. I do. And I'm really sorry I lied to you. But you will understand my point too when I explain everything to you tomorrow." I nod, even though he can't see me.
"Okay, I will listen, I promise. Let's talk like adults. It was immature of me to run away. I just... I tend to run away when it gets too much for me."
"And then you say you don't like running."
"God, I know right. But just to clear this out, I personally wasn't running, my feet were doing that on their own. Trust me, I cornered them and gave them a long lecture on it."
Kai lets out a short laugh and I smile stupidly. Absolutely STUPIDLY.
"Don't laugh, I'm serious."
"Yes, as serious as Donald Trump's hairstylist."
I giggle but say "Don't get political."
"Fine. Selena?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to see you." He says and my heart stops along with my breath. I love just how he drops such huge bombs so innocently as if it's a walk in the park.
"Can I? Can I come ov_" and then suddenly he is cut off by a female voice.
"There you are!" The voice shouts and my heart drops. "Come back inside, Sean is going to play "The 1975" song that you told him to."
"I'm coming, Amelia," he shouts back, and then I hear a door slam.
Amelia? So, he's with her, the girl from that motorcycle race night. And here I was wondering about him, thinking of ways to apologize and asking him if he was okay, and he's just there with her listening to "The 1975". How dare he!?
How dare he ditch our midnight wanderings for that! How dare he listen to one of my most favorite bands WITH HER!!! With someone who is not me! How dare he say something so breathtaking to me when he is there, having fun with HER!
JUST.LIKE.THAT!
"So, can I? Can I come over? Now." He asks me and I clear my throat. Is he kidding me?
I try to calm myself because I don't want to let him know that I am goddamn jealous! I can't let him make fun of me.
Pathetic, I'm SO pathetic.
"I'm actually going to bed."
"Sel, I re_," He starts to say when I cut him off.
"I'm tired, Kai. I honestly need to get some sleep." After a pause, he sighs and clears his throat.
"Okay...Sure. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Probably." And then I end the call.
Now we might be okay, but I'm definitely not.
I throw my phone on the nightstand beside my bed and close my eyes.
After a while, I hear it vibrate twice, but I don't pay attention to it and try to count the imaginary stars to fall asleep.
Except that doesn't help the way it always did.
The next day my first show already discussed with Austin via emails, I get ready to go to work all wrapped up in excitement.
Because 1) I'll be talking about 'The 1975' and 2) I'm thrilled to meet Robert, since Austin told me he was hyper to meet me too, and 3) I am positive that my chances to meet Kai are higher, when I'm at home than I'm at the office, since he only shows up there whenever he pleases. The words of his staff, not mine.
I rush out of our apartment block since I don't want to see Kai, because I'm still confused, or worse, bump into Amelia if he did bring her home last night.
This thought alone makes me throw up in my mouth a little, although I know I have no reason to act or feel like this.
On my way to the station, I buy four bowls of ice cream-vanilla, chocolate, chocolate mint, and strawberry flavored just in case, so that I can bribe Robert and Lola to like me.
I open the door to our studio to see Austin, a girl, and a guy, arguing over which songs from the Coldplay playlist they are going to put during the "InfoPlay"- my show.
Austin is explaining something to him, all worked up, so I realize this guy is Robert. Wow, his name is not Asian so I didn't even think he'd be one.
Robert's dark hair is flying all the way, his one ear is pierced and his white shirt matches his sneakers, he's standing there, his arms crossed against his chest, shooting Austin what are supposed to be mean glares.
He then starts to cuss at Austin, while the latter fights back not with cuss words but a strong and commanding tone, that will cut through a stone.
I look at the girl next. She is sitting, legs crossed, short blue hair reaching her shoulders, red lips turned into a small smile, making heart eyes at Austin. She has a thing for him and it's so obvious even I notice. This must be Lola.
"We are playing those songs and it's final. I'm the head of this project and arguing about stuff like that with me is a waste of time, Robert," Austin is saying.
"For Christ's sake, this was his idea, so bow down all. He's the master of the Universe. I don't think so. I'm the music God here! I'm the fucking music prosecutor."
They start a short killing-with-the-looks match, which I think they both win- Austin with his intimidating look and Robert with his scary stare. I decide to help them out, so I clear my throat, knocking on the door.
They both turn their heads toward me. Robert narrows his eyes at me while Austin manages to give me a polite smile. Not knowing what to do, I raise my plastic bag and give them the biggest smile in the history of the biggest smiles and say. "I brought ice cream."
Robert and I hit it off just fine. Amazing actually.
Our first conversation went something like this:
"You who!?"
"Uh... I'm Selena. The new __"
"Oh, the Indiana kid." He cut me off.
"I believe we are almost the same age," I trailed off nervously.
But Robert ignored me going on, "Well, obviously you don't look like Selena Gomez."
"Leave her alone," Austin scolded Robert and the latter scowled at him while Lola glared at me. The first reaction she showed towards me. She kept ignoring me since the second I came in.
"And you kiss my ass," Robert said, making me chuckle mentally. Then his attention was back on me. "Don't worry, you're cute too. I'd really tap you, but sorry sister, not my train to board. I'm gay."
"Oh," I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Such a pity, I'm sure wherever he goes girls are all over him without even knowing that they don't stand a chance.
"Yeah, pity, right? I mean, look at all this awesomeness." He said, pointing at his face. "So where is this ice cream you mentioned? Or were you bullshitting me?"
"Nope, right here," I held up the plastic bag again, which he snatched out of my grip and looked inside.
"Ooooh, strawberry, I think I already love you, sistah."
"You guys have only 20 minutes, have fun," Austin said crossing the room and then leaving.
"Austin, wait for me," Lola called after him and ran out but not before glaring at me again.
Oh-kay? Have I already done something wrong?
After eating the ice cream together with Robert and chatting about music and different stuff, our vision for the radio show, Austin shows up, Lola behind him.
It's time to start the show, so I round the room and get behind the glass. I put my notes in front of me and get comfortable in my chair.
Honestly, I am not even nervous, since I have had some experience at our local station in Indiana, and the fact that my face can't be seen the whole time is even more encouraging and thrilling.
I see Robert working on the mixer, and Austin standing arms crossed and looking at me, a handful of papers pressed against his chest. I smile at him and he gives me a closed-mouthed smile too and a nod. I look at Lola next and she raises a brow at me questioningly. I smile at her too, to get on her good side, just in case she is thinking about killing me.
The clock hits 8 and Rob gestures for me that we are on air and so I start.
"Bob Marley once said "One good thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain. Hello, this is InfoPlay and I'm Selena Young."
Then I tell the listeners, I hope there ARE listeners, what the show is about, and then finally start the great part.
I talk about the history of Coldplay becoming a band, about their members, achievements, interesting facts about them, their songs. Robert puts some of their best hits, such as "Yellow", "Viva La Vida", "Paradise" and of course "A Sky Full of Stars". I can't be happier. The whole show goes as smooth as butter. I notice Robert and Austin encourage me with fists in the air, and Lola... well, Lola just doesn't care that I exist.
"Thanks for being with us, we hope we'll be a good reason for you to like Mondays, and I'm not even talking about Fridays, because well, who doesn't already like them? Anyways, have a nice week. You were listening to InfoPlay. Have a life-changing week."
As I enter the part of the studio the guys are in, Robert stands up, making his way to me.
"Oh boy, your voice sounds even better through the radio."
I smile nodding, "Thank you," instead of telling him that, if he said that one or two years ago, I'd think he was joking, because back until my internship started, I was too insecure about my voice. I always felt like it was kind of too raspy and edgy. Strangers would always get surprised whenever I opened my mouth to talk to them for the first time. Some told me it doesn't match my appearance, some thought I was smoking, which I definitely am not, because... Hello? Cancer?
So yes, I let my voice become one of my so many insecurities, but then Rose, the woman I was helping at the local station and who taught me a lot of things about life and stuff that matters, the woman who knew me better than my own mother, made me understand that it's my thing and that it does sound beautiful and unique, that it makes me extraordinary.
"I agree," Austin says coming up to us, "I loved even those small laughs you gave during some fun facts," he stares me down as if it's the first time he's seeing me. I chuckle, uncomfortable under his microscope.
"Oh， I knew you were paying attention to everything, Austin," I tell him feeling even more uncomfortable since he's staring at my lips now as I speak. Uh? Excuse me? "I hope I met your expectations."
"Even better than I expected, you can keep the job now for 100%." He answers, his eyes never leaving my lips.
"Oh, but you are not the boss, are you?" Robert rolls his eyes at him.
"Shut up, Robert," Lola says.
"What's wrong with you two? Are you always bantering like this?" I ask, looking between Robert and Austin.
"Trust me, you haven't seen anything," Lola FINALLY talks to me, but when I turn my head to face her, she turns her eyes away.
"Whatever, see you on Wednesday, Selena. That is if you don't come the other days. Goodbye Lola, Robert," Austin nods at him before storming out.
"Bye Rob, bye Young," Lola says, before grabbing her bag and running out after him.
As soon as the door's closed, I turn to Robert.
"Why don't you like him?" I ask purely out of curiosity.
"He's a jerk," he shrugs, waving the matter off.
"I don't know, seems like a nice guy to me."
"Yeah, you are not gay, of course, he's nice to you. So ready? We should get our asses out of here too." I nod, taking my bag, and together we walk out.
We are standing in front of the elevator waiting for it to arrive when Robert says.
"You can call me Rob, you know. Everyone does, it's just Austin's stupid habit to call people by their full names."
"Rob suits you better, honestly. By the way, what's your nationality? Is Rob your English name?"
"I'm Korean. But please don't assume that I love dancing to "Gangnam Style", because I HATE it."
I laugh, shaking my head at him.
"Isn't it sad how people label nations or simply crowds just by an example of one single person?"
"It is actually. We label everything and it's so limiting. On a bright note, tell me you like those Korean dramas, please. Because I definitely need a fan-mate," I tell him.
"Ooooh, you are a Kdrama fan. Who'd have thought? Yeah, some of our tv-shows can be good. We should watch one together sometime. Not a soppy one though. And about my name, I was born in Korea. My mom died while giving birth. Dad couldn't raise me alone. He left me at a local orphanage when I was 2, then after a year an American family adopted me and brought me here with them to raise, so they changed my name too. I'm happy they did."
He's so cool telling me this. I'm sure if I were him I'd have broken down every time I told this story to someone.
Is it always that easy to open up to a stranger?
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I don't even remember anything from my early childhood. Anyways, I only went to Korea like... 3 times during my whole life. That's why I speak English fluently and have trouble speaking Korean."
Two girls pass us by, greeting Rob, giggling on their way.
"Hello, ladies," he says and then turns to me. "So that's pretty much it. What's your story?"
"My story?"
"Yeah, everyone has one."
"Well, yeah, but mine is lame and simple," I say.
"I don't believe so," he says but doesn't press for much information, for which I'm eternally thankful to him.
The elevator finally arrives and when I turn to walk inside, I see Kai in front of me, leaning his back against the elevator wall, hands tucked inside his pockets, looking down.
He's wearing a black suit, with a dark blue dress shirt that has its three top buttons undone. When he looks up and our eyes meet, a surprised expression crosses his face, before it turns to amusement. His hair is brushed back, making his eyes stand out even more and become more of a danger for the whole population. He is standing there like he owns the world and to be honest, this energy suits him like no one's business.
"Good evening, Mr. Daron," Rob turns to face Kai, nodding.
Kai nods indifferently and so cold, that it makes me think whether he's really the guy who's joking around me all the time. "You must be the new host for the radio station," he turns to me, his voice distant, but I think I notice a hint of amusement sparkling in his eyes.
What's he doing?
"Uh, yeah," I answer.
"Hope you got here without any dangerous alley adventures."
My eyes widen in recognition of his remark and I turn my head to Rob, only to catch him typing on his phone now.
"What are you doing?" my lips form the words soundlessly.
"Nothing," he does the same, before winking at me IN FRONT OF ROB. WHAT?
Taken by surprise and his devilish charm, I stumble back on my feet and start to cough. Rob holds me by the arm, steadying me.
"You okay?" he asks.
Kai is staring down at me, his lips curved into a knowing smirk and I'm seconds away from slapping that smug look off of his face.
God, he's so arrogant.
I nod at Rob, my coughing fit slowly coming to its end. If he wants to get a reaction out of me then well, he's not getting any. Not more than he already did.
"Certainly. Thanks for the concern." I answer and Kai narrows his eyes at me, as if not understanding what I am saying.
Then he gets out of the elevator, before Robert and I enter and starts to walk to the end of the hallway.
We are watching him walk, and I notice Rob lick his lips before sighing and pressing the first-floor button. The doors close, but not before I see Kai turn back to us for the last time.
"He's so hot I could cheat on my longtime boyfriend with him." I chuckle as he goes on. "And "alley adventures"? Is that a metaphor for something?"
Oh my God, so he did hear what Kai said. Thank God, his attention was down on his phone and he didn't see the exchanged looks.
"Probably," I mumble.
"Gonna look it up."
"It'll be completely useless, Rob, " I want to tell him, but don't.
"He's so goddamn smart sometimes it becomes scary," Rob says, picking my interest. I kind of know some things about Kai, but I have no idea about Kai Daron, the financial director.
"Is he?"
"Yeah, he's the best in the field, you know. Like you could ask him what some ridiculous numbers will be when multiplied and he would tell you the answer in a heartbeat. And the guy remembers everything. Even if he rarely comes to the office, the financial part of the company is always winning at everything. He's the one signing most of the serious contracts."
I kind of didn't even doubt it. I don't know why I never thought he could be dumb or useless. I remember how he got all "personal" about Math when we broke into the gallery. He has this genius vibe sometimes when he talks, that makes you question everything.
"I wonder what he was doing here. He doesn't come down here often, whenever he is at the company, he's either in his office or smoking somewhere. Besides does he know all the employees here? How does he even know you are new? Weird."
Just then my phone beeps with a new message distracting and also saving me from answering. When I see who it is I try to move away a bit for Rob not to see, though I doubt he'll understand who stands under "The Psycho".
The Psycho: you looked beautiful, but I guess i wasn't that bad myself either, judging from the entire coughing fest.
I don't answer, choosing to glare down at my phone instead.
The Psycho: don't tell me you've fainted from excitement.
I ignore that message again.
The Psycho: giving me the silent treatment? i see...
The Psycho: what was that cold 'thank you' about? i was expecting more from you, moonlight. a sarcastic answer or a smartass comeback maybe.
The Psycho: great, be like that.
The Psycho: meet me in front of the abandoned building near our block at 9... you promised you would hear me out.
"Can you stop the beeping?" Rob says, elbowing me slightly. " I'm trying to write a long, pissed reply to the girl that has just commented under my bf's profile pic, and that sound is distracting me."
"Sorry." I put the soundless mode on and start to text Kai.
Me: Okay, but I will not stay long. I told you your being my boss changes things. We can't be friends.
The Psycho: 'oh i don't want to be your friend, i want to kiss your neck.' said our great the 1975.
I take a step back, pressing my back against the elevator wall for support. What did he just...? This whole message itself is just... Screw him! I'm not letting him get into my head with his stupid use of good quotes.
He's just flirting the way he does with everything that wears a skirt. Well, okay I don't wear a skirt now, but whatever. Just yesterday he was with Amelia, probably telling these things to her.
"You okay?" Rob asks next to me, making me notice how nervously I'm tapping my foot on the floor.
"Yeah, sure."
Okay, calm down Selena. Come on, he's just quoting The 1975. It doesn't have to mean anything. He's just being an arse. It's not a big deal.
Another message pops into my screen.
The Psycho: see you in 2 hours 27 minutes and 17...16 seconds.
"He is Impossible," I mumble to myself, giving up.
"So, what do you think about Daron? Was this the first time you met him?" Rob says grinning and I shake my head, pushing my phone inside my jean pocket.
"I've seen him around yesterday too."
"He is hot, isn't he?"
"Well," I clear my throat, "He isn't bad, I guess." Rob stares at me, eyes narrowed as I lie. "What?"
"Are you sure you don't have a problem with your eyesight?" I roll my eyes at him, making him go on. "I hope you do. Because as I have already said, it's not just the looks that have us all swooning, he's also the financial beast of the office, smart as hell and with this dangerous air hanging over his head. Don't pay attention to his attitude though, he's that cold-hearted to everyone, hence the nickname most people gave him - Cold Heart." He sighs dreamily. "God, why isn't he gay? I'd keep him even if his heart were the iceberg that got Titanic down."
As Rob keeps talking about Kai, I remember how he took care of me when I was ill, how Nat and Matt talked about the way Kai loves Kitten, how Kai painted for an orphanage, how he laughs and smiles around me, how he tells what he feels...
That's the problem, Rob, I don't think his heart is an iceberg, or even cold. Not at all, even though he sometimes can be a total asshole.
***
"What did you have to say?" I ask loudly as I reach Kai. I barely have time to stand in front of the building right next to the supermarket around our block, when he grabs my hand and starts to lead me inside.
I let him, just because I'm tired of fighting him...for now and maybe because I like the feeling of having his hand wrapped around my three fingers after all the no touching for several days.
By the time we reach the roof of the basement I'm breathless, but Kai seems completely fine. Looking around, I see a bench in the middle of the space and a plastic bag on it. The whole place is lit with small bulbs that are pinned on the walls here and there. My heart starts to race like a rabbit being chased by a fox and my head becomes home for one thousand thoughts.
What's this for?
"Come on," Kai says, dragging me toward the bench and sitting me down. He takes a seat next to me, before fishing into the bag and pulling out a box, sauces, and two bottles of beer. He places the stuff between us, as I clear my throat.
"What is this?" I ask, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Celebrating your first working day, even though it's the second one. But well, we were busy fighting on the first day, so..."
"I thought I was clear today," I stand up, looking down at him. "Stop doing this."
"Doing what?" Kai asks, looking up at me, genuinely curious.
Does he really not know it? Well, Kai, stop making me think I matter. Stop making me think I mean something to you. Stop telling me you want to see me while hanging out with other girls.
"Confusing me. Stop confusing me all the time."
Kai stands up, taking a step toward me and immediately I take one step back. He cocks his head to the side, examining me carefully as if all the answers are written on my face.
"I confuse you." He states rather than asks, his voice lowered and... Is that amusement?
"Yes, you do."
"You confuse me too." He says, his eyes looking through mine.
"Not true."
"You confuse me more than you know. More than I will ever be able to admit. And it's okay, Selena. That's how things get better. Let's confuse each other together."
"Do you even hear yourself?"
"Not really, no. I don't pay attention to anything else when I'm looking at you." Ignoring the rapid rise and fall of my heart, I shoot him a glare.
"See? That's exactly what I am talking about."
Kai sighs, now probably irritated, running both hands through his hair nervously, then keeping them tucked behind his neck.
"Listen, can we stop this for now. Please let's sit down and eat like normal... Just like two normal people having a night out, confusing the crap out of each other, having fun... That's all I want for now."
"And what then?"
"And then we try to figure this out, as much as we allow ourselves."
I close my eyes and start to count to ten, trying to make sense of this ridiculous conversation we've just had. When I open my eyes again, Kai is staring at me, a hopeful close-mouthed smile plastered on his face.
When I sit down reluctantly, so does he and again starts to pull the goods out of the bag.
"Sweet and sour sauce for you, since you are allergic to tomato, and ketchup for myself."
I pause, blinking slowly.
"How do you know I'm allergic to it?"
Kai stops for a second, his hand holding his ketchup midway, but then recovers just as quickly, making me think I imagined the whole thing. I definitely did though. I shake my head.
"You told me yourself. At the Paradise. The first night we were out together."
"Oh, did I? I was probably too dizzy to remember."
"But that's weird, you know that? Who in the world hates tomatoes?"
And just like that, we are back to normal talk. And by normal, I mean completely out of line.
"I don't hate them; I am just allergic to them."
"Fucking weird," he murmurs to himself, taking a spicy chicken wing from the box and biting it.
I do the same and we stay in silence for 2 minutes or so, enjoying the view and the chicken. He takes one beer and opens it, before handing it to me. He opens his as well.
"Happy first working day," Kai says. "Cheers."
"Cheers," we click the tips of our beers and take a sip.
"Woah," I let out a satisfied moan, "This is nice."
We lean back, looking up at the sky. It reminds me of the night we were lying on the road, looking up, sharing secrets like no one's business. Moments like this make me like being me.
"Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?" I ask Kai, eyes up to the sky.
After a second Kai answers.
"I used to want that all the time."
"What changed?"
"I found a purpose."
"Purpose?" I ask, glancing at him just for a second before turning my face away. "How did that help?"
"Now I have something I'm determined to reach. If I weren't me, if I weren't Kai, I'd not have the slightest chance for that."
"And what's your purpose, Kai? What do you want to reach?"
"The moon." He tells me and then immediately asks me a question, letting me know he's done with answering mine. "How about you? Do you wish you were someone else?"
"Sometimes I do. I wonder what it would feel like to be someone, who could fit in everywhere, connect with something or someone on a personal level. I wonder what it's like to be someone who has a purpose. Someone who just belongs, you know? Who is always herself, no matter what."
"Someday you'll feel like you belong... I know that," Kai says.
"You can't know that."
"I can. I will try to be the one to make you belong."
I turn my head to look at him, to catch his eye, tell him I appreciate him for saying it, even if he might not mean it. But when I see him looking up at the sky like he's one of those guys out of a painting, I don't find my voice to talk, so I just stare at his side profile, that somehow, even without me realizing it, has become the only face I think I'd recognize even if I lost my mind.
Kai sighs, making me turn my face away and look back at the stars. I like staring at him, I do. But it doesn't mean I will let him know that and make fun of me all the time.
"I found this place days after I moved into the neighborhood," Kai says after a while. "No one needed it, so I thought why not make it home? You know, somewhere to run, when you want to think and stare up at the sky. Have your head straight in the game, let the wind disperse your tangled thoughts... When I first moved in, I didn't feel at home in my own apartment. I didn't feel like home anywhere. Now though I don't feel like I HAVE to belong somewhere: maybe it's that simple. Maybe some people just need to belong to one single person and not to crowds and places, so we just need to find that someone. "
"That was a beautiful thing to say," I admit after a second of pure admiration for him.
"I have my moments," I notice Kai shrug.
"So why did you bring me up here?"
"To apologize and make you believe that I mean it. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I'm not sorry I didn't tell you. If I did, I'm sure you'd either run away without trying for the job or just avoid me. I don't know why you keep making a big deal out of something so tiny..."
"Kai," I turn my body to face him, and cross my legs Indian style on the bench, still holding my beer.
"I came here to do everything on my own. I want to do everything alone, without anyone's help. Back at home," I take a deep breath and decide I should open this can of worms and explain to him why exactly this is a big deal to me.
"Back at home, whatever I did, whenever I achieved something, people looked at me and thought 'hey, she won that, she got that, she achieved it because she's our little town's hero Mr. Young's, the Young Enterprise's CEO's daughter.' And it didn't matter how hard I worked to get something. They never saw me as me..."
"At times they were right about everything being given to me easily because when you live in a small town when everyone knows everyone, and when people know whose daughter you are, they just decide to be nice and give way to you. They never give you the chance to do it on your own, they don't let you climb the mountain on your own, they drag you up."
"And it was so, so annoying and it made me so angry, that I couldn't do anything on my own, that I couldn't make it to the top by myself. It made me so obnoxious, so mad. I didn't want to be that girl, who got everything because of someone else. I have been that for so long, that I can't even remember not being her, but that chapter is over. I don't want to be that girl anymore. We know each other, we hang out together and I can't be sure, that if I mess up, you will call me out on it. I want to be seen for who I am."
"Selena, I understand why you felt like that, I do, trust me. But I'm not your father, thank all the fucking saints I am not, we are not related, and I'm always professional when it comes to my job. I will call you out on it, I can even fire you if you mess up... if that's what you want. Hell, I'm not even your boss, like a boss. I'm just the financial director, dealing with money, sometimes contracts and that's all. I have nothing to do with the staff."
"You swear?"
"God, yes."
"You promise you'll not interfere with decisions involving me as an employee?"
"I do."
"And that you will treat me as a colleague at work and not someone you hang out with?"
"Scouts promise!"
"Were you even a scout's boy?"
"Nah," he grins.
Then he puts his right hand on his heart and shouts.
"I swear to call Selena out on her bullshit!"
"Now that's a real promise. Do you like your job?" I ask him.
He smiles at me, amused.
"No, I LOVE my job. I just don't like the office vibe. Do you like yours?"
I take a minute to consider this.
"Should I answer this as a question from my boss or the guy next door?"
"It's past 8, so technically I am not your boss now."
"To be honest, I don't know, it's not like I hate it. I'm just... not passionate about it, I guess."
"What'd you like to do instead?"
"That's the thing, I have no idea."
"Then you just have to wander, to find what you really like."
After that, we keep eating our chicken and drinking our beers while talking about stuff, like I didn't get jealous about Amelia yesterday like we didn't have a weird moment minutes ago like we didn't pass on from talking about ketchup to belonging like I don't care that he keeps confusing me.
When we are done eating and our bottles are already empty, we lean our heads back against the bench and look up at the sky again. It's even darker now, covered with thousands of stars, making your head spin in a nice way.
I've always thought that even when from down here we see them surrounding each other, they are still alone up there, because of the huge distance between them. But now when I look up at them, each one surrounded by others, they make me realize that perhaps the distance between them is a myth, just like us-perhaps no one is alone in this world. Sometimes we don't see people surrounding us and think that we have no one, just like we don't notice the stars that don't have enough brightness to show off. But they are still stars, and they are still there, even though we can't see them.
"Selena," I hear Kai's barely audible voice next to me and turn my head to the side to look at him. "Why do you care though? Why do you care what others think or say about you? Why make it so complicated and not just ignore them all."
"Because people make up our society and as much as I don't want to pay them attention, it just doesn't feel right to be talked about negatively. Sadly, I am not brave like that."
"Look," Kai turns his face to me and sits up, "It's all up to us- the way we see things, people that we choose to ignore or accept the opinion of. We choose the ones to trust, the ones to resent. We compose our own life. Some of us aim to have a positive influence on others, while the rest of us not so much, so it's okay if you choose to see only the ones that make you feel glad to be alive. Here's what I believe in, life is like a painting... a sketch."
"How so?"
"We ourselves build our own lives, draw the sketch of our lives and then color it with people that we hand some of our pencils to. We just have to choose the right people because if you don't, your painting won't be colored the way you'd want it to be, your choices will be limited, your decisions wrong, your painting colored with guilt, "what if", "but" and other dark colors, your perspective will be tangled. It's all about you choosing what's right for your own self."
I look at him, a small smile forming on my lips at how awesome he is, how thoughtful and smart, because yes, he IS all of these things, even though I don't admit it out loud.
When I think that I can get him out of my head, he goes ahead and says something so amazing that I want to push him against the bench and kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM some more. For a second, I let my mind linger on that thought, before I clear my throat, trying to clean my unholy thoughts.
"You do really have your moments, Kai. But tell me, when did you become so smart? Did it happen overnight?"
Kai groans, throwing his head back as if exhausted.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY AFTER THIS LONG LECTURE, WOMAN! I can NOT believe you." He almost shouts and I chuckle.
"I get your point," I nod. "I do. And you are right, but you can't change the way someone thinks in a matter of minutes."
"We have all the time in the world," he crosses his arms behind his neck and leans into the bench. "I will work on it."
"Good luck with that, but meanwhile," I sit up, "Meanwhile at the office, let's keep this friendship between us, okay?"
He stares at me interested as if he wants to see what the next thing he's going to say does to me. And then he smirks. I bring my bottle to my lips nervously, even though I know it's empty.
"I told you we are not friends, Selena." Kai says and then adds, "The 1975."
I almost choke on the air.
The thing is, I know, I've listened to the song he quoted today in his text and I know exactly what he's referring to. It's a song by "The 1975" and it's called "falling for you".
Goddamn it.
He gives me an evil smile, making me close my eyes and want to kill the words he wrote to me hours ago.
But closing my eyes doesn't help me tame my damn heartbeat. I wish I didn't have a heart at all, literally. And maybe in a few seconds I won't, since it seems like it attempts to burst out of my chest and break into a fast run.
I open my eyes and suddenly Kai's so close I feel his breath on my lips.
"This isn't a joke," I tell him, eyes wide open and staring into his blue ones.
"Of course not, do you see me laughing?" His eyes roam from my eyes to my mouth and I hold my breath.
"You are doing it again. Co-confusing me." I freaking stutter. God, I can't even stand myself right now.
"Good. Because you co-confuse me all the time." He teases and I manage to glare at him. "Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you."
Here I am, reading him a lecture on keeping things leveled, and here he is seducing me.
YES, that's what he's doing, he's seducing me! And I'm too weak to fight him back. I'm sure if he kissed me right now, I'd kiss him back harder.
"Kai," I want to make him back off, but my voice is such a sad attempt.
"Selena," he says amused, his tone matching mine. Is this funny to him? Isn't Amelia enough for him?
Amelia.
The name pumps into my head, reminding me that just last night he was with her and doing God knows what. I don't even know who she is for him, and I don't even have the right to know. But I refuse to be someone he can play with and that one thought alone is enough for me to come back to my senses.
I push against his chest and get to my feet.
"Stop playing games with me. I'm not that easy."
His face makes me feel proud of myself, he's surprised and completely taken aback, blinking slowly, trying to process what just happened. As if he didn't think I'd push him away. As if he thought I couldn't. Good, let him be confused.
"Goodnight Kai," I tell him, and then trying not to show the regret in my voice, I decide to add, "Stop listening to The 1975 so much, you are losing your mind."
That's all he needs to relax as if he's just solved a difficult Math equation.
"How can I, when I know for a fact, that you love it when I lose my mind." He stands up, his confidence back in the game, with his notorious smirk.
Asshole.
"Whatever you say, at least don't make one of your "friends" look like a joke as you flirt with me 24/7." There, I said it, go figure, Kai. Turning around, I almost run to the exit, trying to get away from him and my irrational attitude, which honestly has no logical ground. We are not together, so my head knows that I shouldn't behave like this, but well, tell that to my damn heart and mouth.
Later that night I'm safe under my covers when I get a message from him.
The Psycho: about yesterday... amelia and i have history, we are friends and yesterday i accidentally met her at sean's party.
One single message and the big baggage is off of my shoulders, even though I have a hard time admitting it.
But that's the truth, even though we are not in any kind of relationship, about which I'll have to remind myself constantly from now on, I felt betrayed, angry and jealous when I realized he was with her last night.
And wait a second... WHAT history exactly? But of course, I don't ask him any of that!
Me: Why are you suddenly telling me this? I didn't need to know that. It's not even my business.
The Psycho: i feel like it IS your business now.
Me: What's that supposed to mean? You can spend your time with whoever, whenever and wherever you want. Whatever.
The Psycho: now that's a lot of "ever"s in one text.
Me: The more the merrier. BTW what's that cold attitude of yours at work? Do you even know that people don't like you?
The Psycho: that's the thing about life, moonlight, "you can be someone different to everybody."
The Psycho: what's your favorite word right now?
Me: This is so random. How can you just change the topic so abruptly?
The Psycho: come on, just answer.
Me: hmmmmmmmm... Success. Because today was successful. Your turn.
The Psycho: confuse.
The next morning, I am searching for fun facts about The Fray, when I hear "Falling For You" blasting from Kai's apartment.
My whole body stills and honestly, this is not funny anymore.