#NewClassicILIB
Chapter 20
Rain
My mother ended her own life.
She committed suicide.
When help arrived, it was already too late. There was nothing they could do to help her breathe once again.
Like an explorer in the middle of the vast ocean, without its map and compass, I was feeling lost. My heart and mind were not working properly. They were both dysfunctional. It felt like my life lacked purpose and direction. It felt like my life had just ended, too.
My hands were shaking as I held the microphone. I gripped on it tightly. It was my turn to say my eulogy. It was the last night of her wake, after two nights since her death.
In our family, no one had the courage to say farewell to my mother. My brother still couldn't control himself. He was filled with pain and anger. I was thankful for Ate Allison because she was there for him. Somehow, she could still keep him in sane. Even if he couldn't control himself, she could control him. On the other hand, no one could talk to my father properly. He was lethargic. He stayed beside my mother all the time and barely took care of himself. Unexpectedly, I was the one who got the strength to stand in front of the mourners to speak in behalf of my family.
Biting my lower lip, I turned to my mother's casket. Tears blurred my eyes as I looked at her already resting. She looked at peace that I felt slightly guilty for grieving, when she was already in a better place.
"M-my mother..." My voice croaked as soon as I began to speak.
Inilayo ko sa akin nang bahagya ang mikropono para huminga nang malalim at kalmahin ang sarili kahit papaano. Some of my relatives told me that I didn't have to do this. They told me that I didn't have to force myself. But since I didn't have the chance to bid my farewell while she was still alive, I wanted to do it this time. I wanted to say it in front of her, at least.
"M-mom..." I stuttered, trying again.
Unlike other eulogies, I addressed my speech not for the mourners to listen to―it was for my mother.
"Y-you mean so much to me..."
I wasn't able to control my tears. It fell freely and rolled down my cheeks.
"You're the kind of mother who would do anything for her children. You would disregard your own feelings for me and Kuya Zedrick," I said, my voice somehow became more stable. "You gave me comfort and love. You supported me in everything that I do. You are an amazing woman. You are a mother that any child would want to have. You are everything to me."
Though I knew it would be useless, I still brought my hand to my face and wiped the tears away, even though tears wouldn't stop streaming down.
"I know how much you're suffering, and I hate myself for doing nothing to help you stay alive. I hate myself for letting you suffer on your own. I should've done something. But I only took your presence in my life for granted," I continued, feeling anger and regret. "Mom, you held on to the pain for a long time. You are so strong, and I admire you for that. Thank you for holding on for us, but I wish you could've hold on more―for me... For Kuya Zedrick... F-for us..."
Saglit na dumaan sa tingin ko si daddy. He wasn't looking at me. He kept his head down, but he remained seated beside my mother's casket.
Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili sa paghagulgol. Ngunit kahit na ganoon ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako.
"Mom, I don't know how to live without you... I-I don't know..." I cried more, feeling like I was at the verge of breaking down and passing out.
Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Kuya Zedrick sa akin. I didn't notice that he already got up from his seat to come to me. His warmth comforted me, but it didn't stop the pain that I was feeling.
"You can stop now, Zendaya..." he gently whispered on my ear as he caressed my back.
I stubbornly shook my head. I wasn't done bidding good bye to our mother yet.
"Mom, I'm sorry if I couldn't grant your wish..." I apologized, pertaining to the short note we found inside the room.
To Zedrick and Zendaya,
I wish that you won't ever have to cry for me. This is my decision. I'll be fine after this, so I hope you two will also be okay.
And to my husband,
I still love you very much. I'm sorry for everything, Richmond. Please take care of our children.
"Like what you said, I really hope you are in a good place now. I hope you're happy because you deserve all the happiness in the world," I told her. "I love you so much, mom... We will see each other again. I promise. It might not be soon, but in time, I know we will."
I couldn't literally say good bye to her, even though it was my intention at first.
Actually, having to say farewell isn't the hardest part, but rather what comes after it. When you say good bye, it means that you'd have to live without that person for a period of time―until you meet them again. In my case, I'd have to live without her for the rest of my life. There's this huge responsibility that I have to do, in order to fill in the gap that's left inside me as she went away to never come back.
It was hard for me because she was there all my life. Even when I had not been introduced to the world yet, she was already with me.
After the eulogy, I broke free from the crowd to have some time alone. I went out of the funeral home to the quiet parking lot. There was a grassy place beside it. I went there and sat on the grass―facing away from the cars. Instead of looking ahead, I lifted my head up.
The sky was painted in black―the same color which had suddenly splashed into my life when I saw my mother lying on the ground. They said that stars couldn't shine without the darkness, and it amazed me how their light could overpower the dark sky. However, it seemed like the stars couldn't win over it tonight. Even the moon was having a hard time showing itself because of the dark clouds, probably getting ready for a heavy precipitation.
"Found you..."
I almost jumped in surprise when I heard a familiar voice. Even his speaking voice had a unique distinction. It sounded beautiful even though he wasn't singing.
Bago ko pa siya malingon ay naramdaman ko ang maingat niyang pag-upo sa aking tabi. Sa gitna ng pagkamangha, nang nilingon ko siya, mas naramdaman ko ang sakit.
Why does he always appears every time I want to be alone? Why is he always there every time that I'm at my breaking point? Why does he always have to see me at my worst?
"I know that you may have been wanting to be alone, but I also feel like you shouldn't be left alone," he told me, explaining why he came to me, then looked up to the sky.
New Classic arrived earlier at my mother's wake before I started my eulogy. They went with Mr. Joel. As the main organizer of their events, they eventually got closer to my mother, especially during their world tour. They admired and respected her as a person, so even though they had busy schedules, they still made time to visit and pay respect.
I didn't pay much attention to their arrival, though. Ate Allison and Jerlyn helped my auntie to assist them and the other mourners as well. My senses were flooded with pain that I couldn't function well. They expressed their condolences to me, but I was busy gathering every courage and strength I had left inside me to stand up and say the words I wanted to tell my mother for the eulogy.
Instead of responding, I averted my gaze away from him. I looked down at my feet, while he remained looking up at the sky.
Even with him by my side, the silence of the night comforted me more. But then, he decided to break the quietness in between us.
Heads up,
You're more beautiful than the moon
Heads up,
Your smile is brighter than the stars at night
So, listen to me...
My heart banged against my chest rapidly, when he started singing the bridge of the song, which used to be my only companion during those hard times.
I snapped to look back at Isaiah. His head was still facing upwards, but his eyes were closed as he sang.
Your tears are so precious
Just to let it fall on the ground
Smile and hope that someday
Things will come around
I bit my lower lip hard and clenched both my fists. My chest tightened up. The pain was sucking up my energy that it was getting harder for me to breathe.
I'm singing for you
Who's crying tonight
Smile for me
Smile tonight
Smile under the moonlight
And shine...
Isaiah slowly opened his eyes as he finished singing the song. Eventually, his gaze drifted to mine. He was smiling a bit, but he was also looking at me with sympathy and consideration. It reminded me of how he looked at me that night—years ago.
I hated it.
Maybe if I'm not aware of my impossible feelings for him, and I don't know about his relationship with Blair, I would still feel glad somehow. I would be comforted by his song and his presence. I would smile. But it's frustrating because he isn't what I need right now. I'm frustrated because the song, which used to be my savior, broke my heart even more.
"I'm sure you're having a hard time right now, but I hope everything will be okay soon. I hope you'll be okay." He breathed out deeply. "I wish I have the right words to comfort you, but please know that I care. We, in the band, care about you."
At loss for words, I remained staring back at him.
"Mr. Joel also wants to tell you that it's okay to take a break. He will lend a staff of ours to help with the other admins," he told me as an assurance.
I was satisfied and relieved that Mr. Joel gave me the chance to take a break. If he didn't offer it to me, I might be the one to ask for it personally. Ngunit sa totoo lang, hindi ako sigurado kung panandaliang pahinga nga lang ba ang talagang kailangan ko. I was thinking about the possibility of passing my position as the president to Dawn and quitting for good.
I knew I promised myself that I would support them all the way, but I wanted to prioritize myself more this time. I had so many things to juggle. I wanted to heal first.
"Take all the time you need for yourself," Isaiah added, and I could tell that he was genuinely concerned of me.
Hindi pa rin ako makasagot sa kanya. Magsasalita pa sana siya nang biglang umilaw at tumunog ang kanyang cellphone. My eyes automatically dropped to his phone on his hand. It stunned me a bit when I saw a picture of Blair as his lockscreen, before he read the message he just received.
I just saw it for a very brief moment, but I was sure that it was Blair. I should've expected that, but I was still surprised. He didn't seem like the type of person who would put the woman he loves as his lockscreen. But I guessed that was how much he loved her.
Mabilis siyang nagtipa ng reply bago muling nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. I acted like I didn't see anything. I used the strength left in me to act unaffected. But if he would see through me and saw that I was in pain, he wouldn't know that a part of it was because of him. He would think that it was solely because of my mother's death.
"I'm sorry, we have to leave now..." he told me, slightly hesitating, as he was about to get up. "The members want to express their condolences again."
Tinikom ko ang aking bibig at mas piniling walang sabihin. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang dapat isagot sa ganyan kaya nanahimik na lang ako.
"You should go inside now. I think it's about to rain." His hand gently squeezed my right shoulder. "Take care," he bid, before he stood up to leave me.
Kahit na paalis na siya ay hindi pa rin ako nagsalita. Iniwas ko na lang ang aking tingin para hindi makita nang tuluyan ang kanyang pag-alis.
I stayed sitting on the grass, waiting for the rain to pour down. I didn't have thoughts to shield myself from the nearing downpour. I was in dire need to cry as much as I wanted to. And with the help of the rain, no one could see my tears and no one would hear my pain.