THE BEACH IS already packed by the time we arrive on the day of Finn's competition.
Lost under the noisy jostles of people bustling to and fro the sandy shores is an overhead tannoy, blaring indiscernible announcements that are about as pleasant to the ear as a thousand bumblebees building a beehive in your eardrum.
Interspersed among the crowds are the surfers — easy to spot with their surfboards in hand and blasé attitudes balanced atop their heads, traipsing down the beach to a station designated to register their attendance. Camera crews from local news stations fiddle with their equipment, sweeping the crowds for the best angles to capture footage of the event to come.
White Peak's Annual Surfing Competition...
I still can't believe I let Finn talk me into this.
"Do this many people care about surfing?" Gia stares in awe as she watches a group of kids (who look barely able to hold up their surfboards) walk past, debating which one of them was going to 'obliterate the waves' and win the whole competition.
Though I may have surfed competitively for over four years, Gia isn't quite as attuned to the surfing world. My most recent surfing competitions all took place outside White Peak, so she's rarely had an opportunity to attend in person. She isn't one to attend the Annual Surfing Competition event either, though I suppose this year she has other incentives...
My eyes momentarily flicker to the stack of large, white placards and the rolled-up cloth banner underneath her arm before I glance up to meet her gaze.
"I heard a lot of people from outside town are entering this year," I supply.
"I heard so too," Hunter says. "The prizes are decent this year, so I don't blame them. But there's a much larger turn out than usual. A lot of people here I don't recognise..."
He says that as if he expects to know every single person in White Peak. But then again, this is Hunter, Social Butterfly Supreme, so he probably does.
"Anyway," Hunter snaps, withdrawing his car keys from his pocket and twirling them around on his index finger. "I've got to go now. I'd like to stay and watch you compete, Finn, but it's really crowded here and I don't want to risk losing Harry."
"It's really not a problem, Hunt," Finn responds with a shrug, "I understand."
"Will you guys be okay?" Hunter asks the rest of us.
I look to Hayden and Gia before nodding. "Yep," I reply for us three, "we'll be fine. Thanks for dropping us off."
"It's nothing," Hunter replies. "Alright, I should get going now. I'll try to be back before the end. Good luck again, Finn. I'm rooting for you."
"Thanks," Finn replies casually, though the nervous laugh is coming back.
"You good, dude?" Hayden inquires once Hunter is gone, quirking a concerned brow.
"Yeah," Finn runs a hand through his blond hair, eyes darting about the place, "for now at least."
"You'll be fine," I insist. Turning to Hayden, I add, "What about Jay? He's coming too, right?"
Hayden nods. "He has a shift this morning but he's hoping to be here in an hour."
"Thought so," I reply. "Er, Hayd. You and Gia wait here, or go find somewhere for us to sit. I'll go take Finn to get registered."
I loosely link upper arms with Finn before I get a chance to overthink my actions, tugging him in the direction of the registration booth. Our sudden proximity and the aggressive force with which I drag him is enough to pull him out of his anxiety induced daze.
The crowded station is full of the suffocating buzz of competitors and excitable spectators, and as we near, a long-repressed sense of dread begins to fill me — but it's easy to ignore with Finn's eyes boring holes in the side of my head.
I pull my arm away, eyes fixed on the registration booth ahead as we continue at an unhurried pace towards it.
"What heat are you in?" I ask him in a levelled tone.
"Today? The seventh, I think," Finn says. "I was going to double-check at the register."
"Seventh. So towards the middle..." I muse. "That doesn't sound so bad."
"I guess."
From what I know, around 150 people have entered the surfing competition this year. Half of them would be competing today, and the other half later on this week. The contestants have been split into groups, or 'heats' of five with the best two from each heat advancing to the semifinals in two weeks.
"Do you remember what I said about choosing waves?"
"Avoid hesitating, but don't just take the first one without thinking. Choose one I think I'll be comfortable surfing on and able to ride the full length of if possible."
"Right, you'll be scored on your commitment to the wave and how difficult it is to surf," I reply. "After that you can focus on executing your manoeuvres. Remember to keep it varied, but relaxed so the judges know you're confident on the board."
"Got it."
I give in to the urge to look at Finn again. He still looks tense.
"Most importantly," I say in a softer tone, "have fun. Whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. So relax, don't panic too much."
The ghost of a smile plays on Finn's lips. He locks gazes with me.
"I know. Got my slap of reality earlier this morning," he says. With a playful look in his eyes, he leans in to whisper, "Wouldn't want all these people thinking my coach abuses me."
My eyes go round. My mouth falls agape as I wait for my brain to deliver a suitable comeback, but all that comes out is a series of indignant scoffs and other indecipherable high pitched noises that cause Finn to break out in a grin.
I fold my arms over my chest and shoot Finn a glare before walking off, quickening my pace so I reach the registration booth before him.
><{{{(•>
"AND DOWN GOES JOHNSON, not quite managing to stay in the barrel and going down on a backdoor wave."
Everything is sickeningly familiar. The waves, the sports commentators, the crowded beaches, the surfers. It all reminds me of when I used to be one of them. Surfing with the ocean in my ears and water up my nose, without a care in the world.
The memory alone makes me nauseous.
"Look, it's Finn's turn again," Gia pipes up eagerly from beside me. She bends down to pick up the unfurled cloth banner, passing one side to me to help her hold it up.
'Go, Finn!' the banner read, a dolphin fin doodled at the bottom, 'you can FINNish this!'
"That's an awful pun," Hayden had said when he first saw the banner, shuddering. "That's not even how you spell 'finish'."
"Shut up, Hayden," Gia had retorted, unbothered by his insult.
Now, Gia is whooping loudly as we watch Finn swim up to catch the next wave.
I'm unsure if she is doing all this genuinely out of support for Finn, or just to get a reaction out of Hayden who looks disturbed that Gia is paying more attention to his new friend than to him. But honestly, those two have more problems than I have time to solve, so I choose to focus on Finn's surfing.
Finn drops into the oncoming wave with ease, expertly carving his way into the heart of the swell.
For a moment, he is lost from view, concealed by the caving wave. My heartbeat picks up, gripped by fear that he has gotten caught underneath. But seconds later, he successfully emerges from the other side, finishing with a small aerial trick that causes the crowd to erupt in cheers before he dives into the water.
I breathe a sigh of relief. He did it.
"That was a sick air," Jay comments, sounding awestruck.
"I know," Hayden agrees, "and with that clean exit he's bound to get through to the next round."
I search around for the judging panel to see what score they were giving Finn. A mix of sevens and eights. For a brief second, a warm feeling of pride fills my chest. There's no doubt: Finn is definitely through to the semifinals.
I turn back to the sea to watch the rest of the competitors in Finn's heat. The surfer who was next in priority gets caught up in a huge swell, and mercilessly gets ripped off his board, ingested whole by the unforgiving current. The smile on the verge of forming on my face falls.
"Tough break," Jay sympathises. "It looks like the wind's picked up. It'll be a lot more difficult to catch a good wave now."
"Yeah," Gia says with a frown, "the waves look a lot more violent than before. Will it be alright?"
I think Hayden, or perhaps Jay, says something in reply, but it's difficult to hear under the loud thrumming that fills my ears. My breathing grows shallow as I watch the surfer emerge from the water, taking a moment to readjust before he swims back to the end of the lineup, hoping for another opportunity to catch a wave before the end of the heat.
He's gotten over the wipeout, but I am still frozen in that moment. Trapped. Buried under a sea of blue foam. Turquoise, navy, indigo swirls that latch at your limbs, pulling you down into a dark abyss. Withdrawing the air from your lungs and filling them with water instead. A searing gash in your leg. A bashed surfboard at your side. And suddenly, among the blues, red.
My eyesight begins to blur. My eyes are moist with tears threatening to spill.
"I'm gonna go find the toilets," I manage to aspirate before pushing past them.
I stumble through the crowds, willing my feet to move forward, willing my hands to stop shaking as I search for a quiet place to take cover. I trudge past a block of outdoor cubicles and keep on walking till I reach a deserted patch of sand.
The memories of that day come back full force. They overwhelm me to the point that my feet are no longer able to support me. I buckle under the weight, crumbling to the ground with hot tears pouring down my face.
My chest feels tight, my throat feels clogged up and I can't stop crying no matter how much I tell myself it's stupid to do so. Why this? Why now? I dig my hands into my hair, anchoring them to my scalp to stop them from shaking.
I'm hunched over and heaving, trying to tell myself to calm down. I'm safe. I'm fine. I'm not drowning. I'm not dying.
So why can't I stop crying?
Why does it still hurt so much?
Someone places a hand on my shoulder and a cold chill runs down my spine.
"Harvey."
I jerk away, looking up.
Oh.
It's just Hayden.
I release my hands from my hair, using them to shield my bleary face. Go away, Hayden.
"Harvey, what's going on?"
"It's nothing."
It takes all my effort to say that single phrase, but whatever weight the words may have had is nullified by the noisy sobs that escape from my lips a moment later. My whole body begins to shake again. My breathing thins and I begin to hyperventilate.
Hayden crouches in front of me. "Harvey, breathe." He hugs me in an attempt to calm me down, and though it quietens my cries, I'm still breathing fast. He promptly pulls away, then pries my hands away from my face, watching me with worried eyes. "Harvey, please."
I try to slow down my breathing, but it doesn't work. It brings back more memories from that day. I feel like I'm suffocating.
"Hold out your hand," Hayden instructs.
Amidst my clouded thoughts, Hayden's odd demand causes me to shoot him a questioning look.
"Just do it, Harv."
I cautiously agree, putting out my shaky hand. Hayden's takes a hold of it, propping it up in front of my face.
"Watch my finger," he says softly, resting his index finger by the base of my thumb. "When my finger goes up, you breathe in. When it goes down, you breathe out, alright?"
I watch confusedly as he demonstrates, tracing his finger up the side of my thumb and taking a deep breath in, then letting it slide into the nook between my thumb and index finger and taking a deep breath out. He repeats the motion and urges me to follow him.
Up my index finger, in. Down finger, out. Up middle finger, in. Down finger, out. Up ring finger, in. Down finger, out. Up pinkie, in. Down finger...
"Out," Hayden says, eyes still glued worriedly to me. "Good. Now you take over. Try doing it on your own."
I face my palm towards me and repeat the process, finding myself getting calmer, my breathing gradually slowing down to a regulated pace each time my index finger glides over a new digit.
Hayden grants me a few moments of silence before he speaks up again.
In the same gentle tone as before, he says, "Mention five things you can see."
I furrow my eyebrows, looking up at him. "What, why?"
"Because I said so. Do it, Harv."
Begrudgingly, I take a glance around our surrounding before replying, "Um, the sky. The beach. You. A food truck. That tree over there. Is that five?"
Hayden nods. "Four things you can touch."
The furrow in my brow deepens, yet I reply, "Sand, my shoes, uh, clothes... my hand?"
"Three things you can hear."
"Birds, music, cheering," I reply more easily, straining my ears to listen to the sounds of the surf competition still going on at the other side of the beach.
"Two things you can smell."
"That cologne you're wearing — which reeks, by the way. And," I gaze around, "taquitos from the food truck back there."
Hayden rolls his eyes at my comment, but still remains calm as he says, "Okay, now finally: one emotion you can feel."
I consider this for a moment. "Is hunger an emotion?"
The taquitos did smell pretty good.
Hayden shoots me an unimpressed look.
"Alright, alright," I murmur as I look down to give it more thought. Looking up again, I answer, "Relief."
I'm glad Hayden was the one to find me out here. I didn't want someone who would be all embraces, telling me everything is alright and trying in vain to comfort me with words I've already repeated to myself time after time. I just needed someone who could help pull me out of that state.
Hayden looks surprised at my choice, but a look of relief flashes through his eyes as well, noting I've returned back to normal now.
Hayden straightens up, then walks over to sit on the sand by my side.
"Are you feeling better now?" he asks.
"Yeah," I murmur back.
"That's good."
"Thank you, Hayden," I say, making eye contact to show him I am serious, "for helping me calm down."
"It's no problem." Hayden inclines his head dismissively. "Though, you should get cleaned up. You look awful."
"Why thank you, dearest brother," I say again, this time my tone dripping of sarcasm.
Amusement plays in Hayden's eyes for a brief moment before seriousness takes over once more. "But Harvey, what really happened? Is it the competition today? Did it remind you too much of that day? Does it still give you panic attacks?"
I fall silent. "How did you know?"
Hayden sends me a look. "I'm your twin. I should know this much."
I wring my hands together, unsure of how to reply other than a terse nod.
Hayden gets up, stretching out a hand to help me to my feet as well.
"The toilets are nearby. You go freshen up, and I'll buy you taquitos."
I perk up slightly. "Wait really? With your own money?"
"No, I was actually going to ask if you had any spare cash to pay for both of us," Hayden retorts sarcastically.
"I was just making sure," I say defensively.
Once I return from the bathroom, and Hayden from the food truck, bearing a bagful of taquitos, Hayden addresses me again with a pensive look.
"I was thinking," he speaks up, "are you sure it's okay for you to train with Finn? If you think it's triggering these episodes, then I think you should stop."
"No," I reply — perhaps too quickly, from the way Hayden does a double take, lifting an eyebrow. "No... I don't think the surfing lessons are making them worse. In fact, I think they're helping. They're helping me remember what I liked about surfing. A few months ago, I wouldn't dream to be anywhere near a place like this again, and yet, here I am, completely almost okay."
"Completely almost okay," Hayden repeats, sounding a little doubtful. He looks to me for further confirmation before he grudgingly concedes. "Okay then, if you really say so."
"I do."
Almost as an afterthought, Hayden adds, "You should tell Gia. In case this ever happens again and I'm not there. She's your best friend, she'd want to know."
I know. Gia would want to know about my panic attacks. She'd want to know I was still afraid to go out to sea. I know she wouldn't judge me for it, if anything she'd try to help me overcome it. And that's what I dread. Gia already worries enough about me, I don't want to add an extra burden to her load.
Not wanting to directly lie to Hayden, or get into an argument over this topic, I choose to respond with a noncommittal hum.
After walking forward for another minute in silence, it occurs to me to ask, "By the way, Hayd, why are you still ignoring Gia? I know you still like her, so why haven't you asked her out yet? You do realise she likes you back, right?"
Hayden's jaw clenches, and his demeanour instantly becomes more hostile.
"I'll believe it when she says so herself."
I raise an eyebrow, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. I guess what Gia has in store might be necessary after all.
When we arrive back at the central beach, the first thing I notice is that Finn has returned. He's still decked in his surf gear, his hair dried by the wind that laps at it and his eyes twinkling as he engages in an animated exchange with Jay. He looks a lot more relaxed than he was before the competition, which is a relief.
The second thing I notice is Gia. She stands directly opposite us, holding up the stack of large white placards in her arms. She takes in a deep breath, seemingly bracing herself, before she turns the stack over, revealing the message written on the first sheet.
HAYDEN
Hayden and I stop in our tracks. I exhale wearily. Here it goes...
Gia lets go of the sheet, allowing it to fall to the ground so the one behind it is revealed.
PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME
My eyebrows furrow as this sheet then falls to the ground revealing the next poster.
JE T'AIME
I could feel myself gagging, but it seems to have the desired effect on Hayden.
TE QUIERO
The next reads.
MAHAL KITA
She drops the next card to the ground.
사랑해
Saranghae? I mouth to myself to help me read the message, the little Hangul I vaguely remember learning coming back to me.
TI AMO
It would be shocking if I had an Italian best friend and didn't know what that one at least meant. I turn to Hayden, snatching the bag of taquitos from him before saying, "You should go to her before she embarrasses herself any further."
Hayden snaps out of his daze, striding across the beach to Gia, just as she drops the card to reveal the final message.
I LOVE YOU.
I'm not even sure if Hayden gets a chance to read the message before he tosses the poster aside, picking Gia up and pressing his lips on hers.
I look away in disgust as Gia wraps her arms around his neck and gleefully returns the kiss. I was planning on eating taquitos, for God's sake. Now I'm on the verge of losing my breakfast.
I slowly walk up to the soon-to-be couple who are currently eating each other's faces out beside Jay and Finn. The crowd around us break out in a series of whoops and cheers, having noticed the entire confession scene.
Gia pulls a way to murmur to Hayden, "Will you go out with me?"
"I'd be crazy not to," Hayden replies before connecting their lips again. "Yes."
The appreciative crowd starts clapping again. Do people really have nothing better to do with their time? There's still a surf competition going on.
"I suppose now is really mission accomplished," Finn says to me.
I smoothen out the pained look on my face so I can address Finn properly.
I didn't realise when he had migrated towards me. My cheeks flame red for the briefest moment before I reply, "Yeah, it seems so."
Finn throws me a knowing look, a lighthearted gleam in his eyes as he grins back at me. I momentarily recall the first time we believed we had accomplished our 'mission'. Back at Gia's party. The rest of that night flashes in my mind, and my traitorous heartbeat picks up ever so slightly. Unconsciously, my eyes drop to Finn's lips.
"Finn, you're letting these two rude lovebirds upstage you on your day?"
I blink.
Wait. That was Hunter's voice.
An arm snakes around my neck, putting me in a mini chokehold. Another arm does the same to Finn, drawing the two of us towards the owner's chest. Is this Hunter's version of a group hug?
Finn bursts out into a little chuckle, attempting to pull Hunter's arm away from his neck. Hunter however has got a slight height advantage, tightening his grip around Finn and drawing him closer, nearly causing us to bump heads.
Why must you be like this, Hunter?
"I heard you did good today," my eldest brother says. "This calls for a celebration."
"Oh no, there's really no need," Finn hurriedly replies, as I blurt out a more forceful, "Definitely not."
The two of us make eye contact, surprised that our responses echoed similar sentiments. I can't decide if being trapped under Hunter's arms worsens or lessens the tension brought from our faces being so close.
Finn taps twice on Hunter's bicep, and the innate martial artist in Hunter automatically lets go, freeing Finn and I from his grasp.
I look away from Finn, taking a large step back.
"Not everything has to end with a party, Hunt," I say. I tuck the loose wisps of hair that had come undone thanks to Hunter behind my ear. Glancing up, I add, "Not that Finn didn't do good. You aced it out there today, by the way. It was pretty cool to watch."
"Uh, thanks," Finn replies. "But all the same, I'm utterly knackered right now. I don't think I could see myself attending an all out party tonight," he says apologetically to Hunter. "I haven't really done much to deserve one either."
"Don't discredit yourself too quickly," Hunter says with a slight frown. "Small hurdles lead to big gains, or however the saying goes."
My face twists. That's a saying?
Finn shrugs. "I guess. It's just a bit too early to get excited over a little achievement. Though I suppose I wouldn't mind a few of us hanging out together," he proposes instead.
Hunter muses over this new suggestion, "I suppose I could work with that."
He steps away from us, glancing to the rest of our ensemble.
In a loud voice, he barks, "Alright kids, break it up! It's time to go home."
The rest of the afternoon is a blur of squabbles over 'who goes where' and 'who goes with who'. Someone complains about Hayden not buying enough taquitos for everyone. Someone else about the smell overpowering the car.
As we begin the long journey home, I think over the eventful day gone past. And for some reason, despite its ups and downs, and the fact that I'm trapped in a car full of squabbling teenagers, I feel content.
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A/N:
Man, it might not show but this chapter took a lot of research to write. Still I'm really sorry about how long it took me to update :(
I've finished all my school/uni work now, so fingers crossed I should be able to go back to frequent updating now.
My lengthy 20 day hiatus has put me behind schedule, but if I can get back into the 'every 3-5 days' updating swing, hopefully, we'll be on track to completing TULOHM by the end of July.
Thank you all so much as always for reading!
Imma go back to reading 116 page PDFs about World Surf League event rules :))
♕ Carmen ♕