This chapter contains triggering content.
Amelia
I feel empty. I want to feel something, anything . I trace the long gash on my arms where William had hit me. I press on it but I don't feel any pain. I watch myself in the mirror and I'm not surprised to see my face swollen. I don't remember what happened last night. I don't know if I screamed when he whipped me , I must have but I don't recall anything after that. He must have tied my arms as there are harsh red lines on them . And the corners of my mouth is bruised as if he tied my mouth tightly as well.
I slide out of my gown and lower myself in the bathtub. The water is so hot that it burns my skin. I still feel empty though. It's like someone sucked all the feelings inside me. I start tracing the gashes again, tearing at them when it doesn't hurt enough. I haven't cut my nails in so long and it feels good when I pierce them in my skin and watch the blood flow. This gives me an idea. I get up and bring Williams razor . I remove the blade and watch the surface of the blade shine. To test it , I pierce it in my thigh and watch the blood ooze out of it. I make some more gashes and lose count. Now my legs are covered in bruises as well.
As I watch my arms , my inner arm doesn't have much bruises on them so I start slicing it as well. I welcome the pain and smile as my whole body hurts. It feels so good; I think. But then the pain comes and it's too much. It hurts too much and now I'm not sure if I like it. I might die , I think and the thought brings peace but I don't know if I want to die yet. I realize through the pain that I'm the one suffering when it should be William in my place. I have always been a good wife , I did everything he asked me to . I was the one always taking care of the children when they were sick and who is taking care of me now? I did so much for William , I was ready to give up everything for him and how is he treating me? As if I'm nothing,as if I'm just dirt stuck under his shoes. Abusing me and raping me . He used to say he loved me then how come all the love just disappeared all of a sudden. How can he love me so much in a moment and then abuse and hurt me in the next.
I close my eyes . I try to get up and go back in the room to sleep but I haven't slept properly in a while and I know that if I fall asleep now , this will be the best nap i would have ever taken so I close my eyes and let darkness take over me.