Almost a week and many physio sessions later, Cas was deemed fit to go home.
'I want you back here at least every two weeks for monitoring,' his doctor said. 'But at this point, you're more likely to make progress at home.'
Cas nodded, his heart making a sickening flip in his chest. He was no longer attached to monitors or a drip, and he could walk around for ten minutes before getting tired, but he was nervous. He still couldn't remember Dean, or anything about their life. What was home?
'That's great, doc,' Dean smiled. His boot had been removed, and though a slight limp still lingered, he appeared to be healed. 'Thank you.'
'All right, I'll get someone in here with your discharge papers, and you're free to go.'
Dean shook his hand warmly, thanking him profusely as he left.
Cas watched him, sitting up in his bed.
'What?' Dean asked.
Cas shook his head.
'Don't look so worried,' Dean said. 'It doesn't matter if you remember home, you'll love it anyway, trust me.'
Cas nodded, though a little apprehensively.
Dean filled out the discharge papers for him, seeing as the only information he could remember was his own name, then he was sat in a wheelchair and wheeled out of the building.
'I got it from here,' Dean said to the orderly, taking hold of the chair.
Cas closed his eyes once they were outside. The sun shone down on his eyelids and a gentle breeze caressed his cheeks. He realised it has been a long time since he'd been outside and relished the feeling. He could smell salt on the air and hear the wind rustling the trees. Birds sang all around him, and he felt he could name each one, if only he could remember the names.
Dean wheeled him gently through the parking lot, allowing him to soak up the outdoors, until they arrived at the car.
Cas opened his eyes and was confused by what he saw. A shiny blue Toyota, which Dean unlocked with a click of the keys. 'This isn't your car,' he said, with an odd certainty.
'You remember my car?' Dean said, eyebrows shooting up.
'No, but this isn't it.'
'Well, you're right, this isn't my car. Mine's still in the shop. She got pretty beat up. No, this is your car.'
'Mine?' Cas said, even more confused. 'I don't drive, do I?'
'You didn't used to,' Dean said, opening the passenger door. 'You used to cycle everywhere, but I made you get a car. I thought it would be safer. Go figure.' There was a bitter note to his voice, but he quickly buried it with a smile and made sure Cas was comfortably in the car before closing the door. He folded up the wheelchair and shoved it into the trunk.
Cas sat quietly in his seat, running his hands along the dashboard. It was very clean inside and he wondered whether it was him or Dean that kept it so. He glanced up at the rearview mirror and saw Dean struggling with the wheelchair. He decided that it wasn't Dean that kept the car clean, and investigated around the driver's side. Sure enough, he found wrappers shoved into the door, and an empty bottle in the footwell. He picked it up and put it with the rest of the wrappers. He absent-mindedly fiddled with his seat, and pulled down the sun visor. A piece of paper floated down and landed in his lap.
'Whatcha got there?' Dean asked, climbing into the driver's seat.
'A picture of you, I think,' Cas said, squinting at it.
It was a small square picture, featuring Dean after just eating something, his cheeks round and full like a squirrel's.
'I didn't know you had this,' Dean chuckled. 'I don't even remember where that's from.' He gazed at it fondly, then started up the car and drove smoothly out of the parking lot.
Cas stared out of the window with the picture of Dean in his hand, watching the world roll by. They went through a small town at first, then out into the quiet countryside. Eventually, they drove into a village, and pulled in to a long driveway, lined with trees. Dean turned left right at the very end, into another, smaller drive. He stopped the car at the bottom and opened the wide gate. Then he dropped back down into the car and slowly drove it onto the gravelly yard.
Cas leaned forward in his seat to take it all in. Dean parked the car on the patch of gravel in front of the house, but there was a small square of grass to the left of it. A large apple tree stood in the centre of it, with a stone bird bath just underneath.
The house itself appeared to be a bungalow, made of yellowish stone. It had one large red front door, and another, smaller door on the side. To the right of the house was an empty garage, where Cas assumed Dean kept his car; and a path that lead down the side of the house.
Cas jumped as his door opened. He had been so entranced by the house that he hadn't noticed Dean get out and walk around the car. Dean extended a hand, looking extremely pleased with himself. 'Come on,' he said. 'Can you walk, or do you need the chair?'
Cas looked at the short path between the car and the door, considering it carefully. 'I can do it,' he said.
Dean helped him out of the car, but hovered behind him as he walked up to the door. He put a hand on the door knob. Up close, he saw the red paint peeling on the door, and the white net curtains through the window. It wasn't familiar, but it was welcoming.
It smelled like fresh air as soon as he walked inside. The hallway was narrow, with two closed doors to the left, and glass door straight ahead. The hall lead away to the right, with another glass door at the end. The carpets were beige and the walls were patterned blue.
'I suppose I'd better give you the tour,' Dean said, closing the front door behind him. 'That's the spare room in there,' he said, gesturing at the first door on the left. 'This is our room.' he opened the second door and Cas peered inside. It had the same carpet, but the walls were painted white. The bed sat in the middle of the room, underneath the windows that ran all the way around the outside of the room. The bedding was crisp and white, and matching nightstands stood either side. Closets filled the wall closest to Cas. Then he spotted a dog bed on the floor at the foot of the bed.
'We have a dog?' he said excitedly.
'Oh yeah,' Dean grinned.
'Where?'
'In the living room. Come on.'
He followed Dean back out of the bedroom, and into the first glass door.
The living room was long, with a fish tank on one end and a fireplace on the other. A TV sat in the middle. A large French window opened out onto a balcony on the left side of the TV, and a set of shelves filled with tapes and DVDs that almost reached the ceiling stood to the right Opposite the TV was two recliner chairs on either side of a comfortable looking couch, and a stone archway lead into the next room.
Cas heard a whine and looked down to see a small, brown Dachshund running towards him as fast as his tiny legs could take him. Cas gasped and knelt down to meet him. 'Hello!' he said, the dog jumping up at him, licking him all over, tail wagging so hard it was a blur. 'We have a weiner dog?' Cas said, scratching the dog behind the ears.
'Yeah,' Dean smiled. 'You wanted a retriever or an alsatian or something, but then we met this guy at the shelter. He was just a tiny puppy. Didn't even have a name.'
'What is his name?'
Dean grinned again, but this time red spots appeared on his cheeks. 'His name's Hoagie.'
Cas laughed. 'Really? Because he's a weiner dog?'
'Actually, it's short for Hulk Hogan.'
Cas hugged Hoagie, who whined again and continued to lick Cas as much as possible.
'He missed you,' Dean said.
Cas made to stand, but didn't quite have the strength to push himself up from the ground.
'It's all right, I got you,' Dean said, lifting him up. 'Do you want to sit down for a while?'
Cas shook his head. 'I can keep going. What's through there?'
Dean showed him through the stone arch to the dining room.
There was another French window with another balcony. A small, pine table and matching chairs filled most of the room, with a cabinet to one side that had a bowl of fruit and a record player on top.
Cas walked around the table to look out of the window. 'Wow,' he breathed.
The balconies connected by concrete steps and white railings, then lead down onto a paved area. There was a large greenhouse and a pond just off the paved area, then behind those was a large garden. The lawn had gotten a little overgrown, but flowerbeds bloomed all around the edges, along with lots of different fruit trees. It ended in a neat hedge, though it too was looking a little overgrown.
Beyond the garden, Cas could see rolling fields and hills, and to the left was the ocean, glittering in the sun. 'Wow,' he said again.
'Sometimes thunderstorms get caught in the valley over there, and you can see everything from here,' Dean told him.
Cas unlatched the window and stepped out onto the balcony. Hoagie jumped out too and sniffed around Cas's feet. 'This is all ours?' Cas said in disbelief.
'Yours,' Dean corrected. 'You bought it. You just let me keep my shirts and pants and stuff here.'
'Mine?'
'Yeah. It was a couple years after we started dating, and you-'
'I cried when they accepted my offer.'
'You remember?'
Cas looked out on the garden and nodded.
'That's great! Well come on, let's see the rest.'
Cas reluctantly left the balcony and went back inside with Dean, closing the glass door behind him.
On the other side of the room was another glass door, which opened into a large kitchen. The sink under the window, through which he could see the car, and counters fitted against the walls all the way around. There was a white door on the left, and the glass door that Cas had seen on the other end of the hallway on the right. Cas went digging through the cupboards.
'I do most of the cooking. Usually,' Dean said, watching him take down all the mugs. 'You're an awful cook.'
Cas nodded distractedly. He considered all the mugs on the counter and picked up two. One was short and wide. Heavy and coloured dark blue, Cas turned it over in his hands. 'This one's yours.'
Dean nodded, holding his breath.
The other mug was smaller, lighter, and patterned in feathers.
'This is mine.'
'That's right.'
Cas put the mugs down and rubbed the back of his head.
'It's okay,' Dean said hastily. 'You don't have to remember everything right now.'
Cas chewed his lip and put a hand on his quickly tightening chest. 'What if I never do?' he asked quietly. 'What if it's just these mugs and that's it?'
'Cas, listen to me,' Dean said softly. 'I don't want you to worry about that. Right now, I just want you to focus on getting better, all right?'
Cas sighed, then began putting the mugs back in the cupboard, his hands shaking slightly.
'Cas?'
'Sorry,' Cas mumbled. 'I think I'm getting a headache.'
'Don't be sorry. Never be sorry.' Dean's voice cracked slightly, and Cas looked up at his heartbroken expression. 'I'm fine,' Dean added hastily. 'There's only one more room, do you want to see it now, or do you want to sit down?'
'I'll see it,' Cas said.
'Good, 'cause it's your favourite room.'
'It is? Why?'
'You'll see.' Dean opened the white door on the left, which lead to a small pantry, with a chest freezer. Cas was confused at first, but Dean walked past it to a sliding door, which opened to a short step and an alcove. There was the smaller red door that Cas had seen from the outside, and one more white door to the left.
'You built this,' Dean said, patting the doorframe. 'Well, not you personally, but you had it built.' He opened the door, but this time let Cas go first.
Windows ran the length of the room on one side, and bookcases ran the length of the other side, each one completely stuffed with books.
Cas walked along them, running his hand over the spines of the books.
'You know what, maybe this is a good thing,' Dean said. 'You always said you wished you could go back and experience your favourite books again.'
Cas smiled. 'That sounds like something I'd say.' He surveyed the shelves but nothing jumped out. 'Which are my favourites?'
Dean thought about it carefully, and a sly look crept across his face. 'I think I'll let you work that out for yourself.'
'Good answer,' Cas said, glancing at him.
'Although...' Dean moved closer, standing close to Cas. 'I'd start with these.' He picked up a book and placed it in Cas's hands.
'Harry Potter?' Cas said.
'We live in a post Harry Potter world. You will get spoiled for it if you don't read it.'
'Thanks for the tip.' Cas flipped through the book and looked at the rest; seven in total. He gripped it tightly and slowly walked out of the room. His legs were feeling weak again, so he made his way to the living room. He dithered between the two recliner chairs. One was big and made of red leather. The other, made of a beige material, with a crocheted blanket thrown over the top, looked more comfortable. He carefully lowered himself into it, and Hoagie immediately jumped up into his lap, though it wasn't an easy feat for a dog so small.
'I gotta go down to the village. Will you be okay here?' said Dean.
Cas nodded, too tired to say anything else.
'All right then, here's your phone,' he said, pulling a phone out of his pocket and passing it to Cas. 'Call me if you need anything.' He took one step then turned back. 'Lemme just write down your passcode.' He grabbed a pen from the table next to the chair and wrote it down on the back of Cas's hand. 'All right, see you later.'
Dean left the house in silence, and Cas got comfortable in the chair with Hoagie. He covered himself in the blanket, opened the book and began to read, but it wasn't long before sleep overtook him. It was the most comfortable sleep he'd had in a while, but unfortunately cut short when he was jolted awake by the doorbell. His book dropped to the floor, and Hoagie jumped off the chair, barking at the doorbell.
Cas got unsteadily to his feet and went to the front door. He opened it, and Hoagie ran out, still barking but now also wagging his tail.
An older woman with closely cropped dark hair stood at the door. 'Hey, I saw your car in the drive, so I thought- Cas!' she exclaimed, her eyes widening. 'Dean didn't tell me you were awake! Oh my God, it's so great to see you! Here, hold on a sec.' She moved past him, through the door, and Cas followed her to the kitchen, where she put down the big lasagna she had been carrying. She bent down to pet Hoagie for a moment, to stop him scrabbling at her legs, then she turned around and flung her arms around Cas. 'You have no idea how much we all missed you,' she said, patting him on the cheek. 'I've been making sure Dean took care of himself.' She put the lasagna in the fridge. 'He's not so great without you, so I've just been bringing him stuff to eat, helping him keep the place clean. Regular stuff.' She caught sight of his bewildered expression and her smile faltered. 'What? What's wrong?'
'I- I'm sorry, but, who are you?'
Her smile dropped completely. 'Oh, Cas...'
'I'm sorry,' Cas said hastily, twisting the fabric of his sweater around his fingers. 'I can't - the doctor said-'
'Hey, hey, it's all right,' she said, putting her hands on his shoulders, resuming her smile. 'Jeez, what must have I looked like? A total stranger just walking into your house. Let's start again. My name is Jody Mills and I live just next door.'
Cas smiled and shook her hand.
'So, complete memory loss?' she asked.
'Not totally. I remember which mug is mine.'
Jody laughed. 'Well, if it makes you feel any better, you still seem like yourself.'
'That does actually make me feel better, thank you.'
'Oh! I have a great idea! Has Dean showed you the photo albums yet?'
'No.'
'Great! Let's do that. I'll make some coffee. You like coffee, right?'
'Um...'
'Right. Let's find out.' She switched on the coffee machine, and sat Cas down at the dining room table. Then she moved the fruit bowl and record player off the cabinet, which turned out to be more like a chest. She opened the top and pulled out thick photo albums. Some were older and dustier than others, but they all looked well-loved. She dropped them on the table, then went to the kitchen to get them both mugs of coffee.
'All right, so where should we start?'
Cas watched her flip through the books. Her enthusiasm came in stark contrast to Dean's nervousness, and made him feel almost normal, as if she were showing him anyone's photos.
'Ah, this is a good one!' She picked one with a dark blue cover and opened it. 'This one's got lots of pictures from your trips together. Here, these are from your first trip to the Grand Canyon.'
She turned it towards him, so he could get a good look.
He and Dean both looked younger in the pictures, and they had their arms around each other in most of them. Cas scrutinised them carefully. They both looked so happy in the pictures. He turned the pages, and found them in different places.
'Oh, these are Niagara Falls,' Jody said, 'and those are Mount Rushmore.' They turned more pages, and eventually, Hoagie joined them in the pictures. Cas ran his hands over some of the pictures, hoping that somehow he would feel what they were feeling through the tips of his fingers.
'We travel a lot?' he asked.
Jody nodded. 'Dean gets a little...'
'Restless.'
'Yeah. Restless.' Jody reached out and took his hands. 'Cas, are you sure you don't remember anything?'
Cas bit his lip, looking down at the pictures. 'I don't know him,' Cas said. 'But I do. It's a very strange feeling.' He squeezed his eyes shut, his headache beginning to return.
'I'll get you some water.' She squeezed his hands again, and went into the kitchen.
Hoagie whined under the table, where he had been sitting, and Cas reached down to pet him, not even flinching when he felt Hoagie's tongue instead of his ears. Cas's eyes fell upon a small, white album on the table.
'That's your wedding album,' Jody said, placing a glass down on the table. 'We can look at it, if you like.'
Cas placed a hand on the album, but pushed it away. 'I don't want to look at it. Not yet.'
Jody pulled the album closer to herself. 'Are you scared?' she asked kindly.
Cas nodded.
'What are you scared of?'
Cas sighed. 'I'm afraid... I'm afraid that nothing will happen if I look.'
'But you want it to?'
'Yes.'
'Then maybe that's all you need for now,' Jody said, smiling at him. She put the album away. 'Besides, I don't think everything's as gone as you think it is.'
'Why do you say that?'
'You've been talking to me for the last half an hour, haven't you? If I was really a stranger, would you be doing that?'
'I didn't think of it like that.' He took a sip of his coffee and was surprised to find he liked it. 'I'm not sure if I'm supposed to have caffeine.'
'I won't tell anyone,' Jody said. 'You wanna look at some other pictures? This one's got Hoagie when he was a puppy.' She patted a green book, and Cas nodded.
When Dean returned from his errands an hour later, he found Jody and Cas laughing together at the dining table, each with a mug in their hands.
'Hey, what's going on?' he said.
'Oh, hey, Dean, me and Cas are just catching up,' Jody said. 'Why didn't you tell me he was home?'
Dean rubbed his neck awkwardly. 'I was going to, but, you know, one thing at a time.'
'Right, of course.'
Dean walked over and sat next to Cas. 'Since when do you drink coffee?' he said, frowning at Cas's mug.
'Um, since today, I suppose,' Cas said, looking down at it. 'What did I drink before?'
'Tea.'
'Really?' Cas said, wrinkling his nose.
Dean stared at him. 'Maybe Sam was right about that taste thing.'
Jody looked between them both, trying her best to keep a straight face. 'I gotta go,' she said. 'Kids and cats to feed.' She got up and kissed both of them on the cheek. 'I put a lasagna in your fridge.'
'Thanks, Jody,' Dean said.
'Don't get up. I'll see myself out. Bye guys.'
'Bye, Jody,' Cas smiled.
'Sorry I was gone so long,' Dean said once she was gone.
'It's all right. I had Jody and Hoagie to keep me company.'
Dean glanced down at the dog. 'How are you feeling? You want to take him for a walk with me?'
'I'd love to,' said Cas, a warm glow spreading through him. He got up and went to the side door, where Hoagie's harness and leash were hanging. Hoagie was close behind, wagging his tail excitedly.
Dean waited patiently while Cas fiddled with the harness and put his shoes on.
They walked up the drive together, Cas admiring the trees around him.
'Who is she, Dean?' Cas asked. 'She seems to know a lot more about us than a regular neighbor.'
'Yeah... She took care of me after my mom died.'
Cas winced, feeling the pain behind Dean's words. 'I see.'
'She's good people.'
'I can tell.'
Hoagie trotted just ahead of them, his tail held high.
'Dean, are you all right?' Cas asked.
'You shouldn't worry about me-'
'Shouldn't I? We are married.'
Dean chuckled. 'You got me there.'
'Tell me what you're feeling, Dean.' Cas reached out and held Dean's arm. It was almost natural, but he dropped it when he saw the look on Dean's face. 'Sorry.'
Dean shook his head. 'I've been better, but that doesn't matter-'
'It does matter. I want to help, if I can.'
'It's just that-' Dean stopped walking, his shoulders slumping. 'I miss you.' He looked down at his feet. 'I know you're right here, but I miss you.'
'I'm not myself right now,' Cas said gently. 'I don't know who I am. I don't know how to be me. It's okay to miss who I was.'
Dean looked up. 'You always know what to say.'
'Perhaps. Perhaps not.'
'I just don't want you to feel bad. It's not your fault.'
'It's not your fault either. You shouldn't bottle yourself up just because you're afraid to hurt my feelings. You matter, Dean.'
Dean fidgeted on the spot.
'I want you to be honest with me from now on. I think that's the only way we can get through this,' Cas said firmly.
'You want to get through it?' Dean asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
'I do. I saw how happy we were when I was going through those photos. I want to remember that.'
'All right. I can do that,' said Dean.
'Good.' He looked back the way they'd come. 'I think I've walked enough for today.'
'Let's go back then. Hoagie's worn out now anyway.'
While they were talking, Hoagie had run the length of the driveway and back again, and was now sitting at Dean's feet, panting.
The three of them walked back to the house together, and Cas sat quietly at the table while Dean warmed up the lasagna Jody had made.
Cas only picked at it, thinking more of bed than food, but Dean made him finish it anyway.
At last, Cas made his way to the bedroom, but he hesitated at the door.
'I'll take the spare,' Dean said cheerfully.
'Dean-'
'I'll be fine, really. It's your house and your bed.'
'But-'
'I'm trying to be a gentleman here, Cas.'
'All right,' Cas conceded. 'You take the spare.' He turned into the bedroom but stopped again. 'Dean, where are my pajamas?'
Dean laughed. 'Here...' He came into the room and opened one of the closets along the wall. He pulled down a fresh set of pajamas and handed them to Cas. 'Goodnight.'
'Goodnight, Dean.'
Dean closed the bedroom door and Cas got changed, asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.