· Merri ·
"So, you want me to jump with you or not?" Byron asks again after I don't answer the first time.
I shake my head. My mind has been wandering again, even though I've been trying my best to pay attention. The closer we draw to the airfield, the more I seem to unravel. But we are nearly there. I am sure I can keep it together until then.
"No, thank you, Byron. I appreciate the offer, but I think I need to do this on my own." I try not to look him too long in the eye. I am too close to my end goal to let him become suspicious of my true motives now.
He nods in understanding then sits back from the table. "Sometimes we all have to fight our demons alone. I'm proud of you for that."
I smile lightly at him, though his words become a new nervous flutter in my stomach. The last thing I need at this moment are such kind words from him or anyone else. I don't need anything else to make me question my plans. Already there are enough doubts running through my mind, but not so many as yet to outweigh my decision.
"So what's after this?" he asks.
"I haven't decided yet. There are only a few things left I haven't done. I think I'll worry with this one first."
"I understand. This one is pretty big."
I pick up my glass from the table and take a drink, glad to see my hand remains steady. I set it back down then pick up the check.
"It's my turn. You paid last time." Byron nods his head in consent. We have never argued over things like this, possibly because he knows it will be a hard battle fought with me, with very little to gain from the effort if he wins.
I lay a few bills on the table as a generous tip for our server, then Byron links his arm through mine as he walks me to the register. After I pay, we make our way to his truck, then head North again. He turns on the radio and taps his finger against the steering wheel in time with the song playing.
As he occupies himself with the music, I occupy my thoughts with the harness details I'd studied in depth months ago. I never go into anything unprepared, and I'm not about to do it over something so important as this. I know the ins and outs of each buckle, each strap, each pad, and especially the portion they call the cage. Though I know how each belt is cinched and each cord is tightened, I will be paying meticulous attention while I am being fitted for my jump.
"What are you thinking so hard about over there?"
I smile at not having to lie to him again. "The tandem harness."
"I'm guessing you probably already know everything about one of those." He glances at me and gives me a knowing smile. "It wouldn't be like you not to research the subject to death."
"Of course."
He laughs at that and shakes his head. "I don't know if you'll enjoy this or not, but you'll definitely never forget it. I remember the first time I jumped ..."
I listen to my brother as he describes in detail his own skydiving experiences, and I allow a soft smile to escape me. This is a good memory, this moment. Talking with Byron, listening to his laughter. I wonder idly if he feels the same. I hope he does. There are too many bad things that happen in this world--good moments and good memories help to balance them out. I hope for him that he has more than his share of those.
"Almost there," he says after finishing his tale, and my heart does a sudden quickstep in my chest.
I take a long slow breath to calm it then let it out slowly, just as Jace had coached me so many times. At the thought of him, my smile fades and I look out the window to hide the sudden tears that sting my eyes.
Will my family tell him? Will he even want to know?
It doesn't matter. Soon all such questions as these will be moot, and I will no longer have to worry about them catching me unawares to reignite my sadness. All I know is that he had cared for me once, but I forced his feeling to change with my thoughtlessness. But it really is better this way. I could never have been good for him in the way he had hoped.
As the last few miles pass in silence, I empty my mind of those fruitless thoughts--of the could-have-beens and what-ifs--focusing instead on what is to come and the harsh reality that it is approaching very quickly now.
"We're here," Byron says as he turns on his blinker and begins to slow his truck for the turn.
I look to the upcoming road on our right then let my gaze follow it to the buildings and runway beyond. This is it, my last hoorah and my final tribute to Joey. I watch as the hangars grow bigger, the buildings get larger, and the runway lengthens.
For the first time since I decided to do this it is finally feeling real. The familiar tightness draws around my chest, as if the harness is already in place and being slowly cinched too tight. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, focusing on keeping my breathing steady. I swallow against the constricting of my throat then take another deep breath.
I can't let my panic win, not today. This is far too important to me. But as Byron pulls into the lot and shuts off the engine, that all too familiar gnawing begins somewhere around my heart, sending it into the beginnings of its habitual frenzy to escape. I wish Jace was here, he would be able to help me do this. But he isn't. I have to figure out how to do this on my own.
"You ready for this?" Byron asks, reaching over to lay one hand gently on my shoulder.
I nod my head, fearing he might hear the rising terror in my voice if I try to speak. He gives me a single quick nod, then opens his door and gets out. It takes me a moment longer to open my own; once I do, I step out of the truck on legs that are not nearly as confident as I would like them to be.
I join Byron on his side of the truck and we make our way to a small building to the left of the first hangar together. He opens the door then leads me inside.
Near the other end of the spacious room we've entered huddles a small group of people, no doubt the other student jumpers judging by the excited hum of conversation that permeates the group. Just a bit off from them to the right stands another group: the instructors. As Byron leads me to the second group I stop.
"I think I'm going to be sick," I say, my voice suddenly hoarse.
"Bathroom's right over there." He points to the left of the students then gives me a gentle shove in that direction. "Better be quick. They'll want to meet you before everything gets going."
I nod then turn and make my way quickly toward the restroom sign. Once inside, I stop at a sink then turn on the cold water and splash some on my face. For a moment I just hang my head, letting the water drip from my nose and chin. I can do this, I think to myself. But my trip hammer heart tries to convince me otherwise.
I try to take a deep breath, but try as I might I can not convince my lungs to fill more than halfway. By the time the door opens behind me, I am nearly enveloped by my fear. When someone lays a gentle hand on my shoulder, I let out a tiny scream then spin around and back away.
I stumble but a set of hands reach out to grab my shoulders and steady me. I lift my head, my gaze meeting one that is nearly as familiar as my own.
"Don't freak out, it's just me."
"Katie?" Jace's sister smiles warmly at me and nods her head. "What are you doing here?"
"You didn't really think I'd miss this, did you?" She frowns at me then shakes her head. "This is a pretty big deal. I wanted to be here to celebrate with you when you knock this thing out of the park."
"But I didn't think--"
"Merri, don't think. You do way too much of that already. Now, dry you face off and let's get back out there."
I nod, at the moment too shocked to remember the panic that had sent me scurrying in here. I snatch a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall, dry my face as instructed, then toss it in the trash. Katie gives me a wink then turns and puts an arm over my shoulders.
"You ready?" she asks.
"I think so."
"Well, let's go then, before they decide to fly without you."
Katie leads me from the restroom, then across the floor and back to the group of instructors. They make their introductions before leading me to the group of students, who are already being fitted in their harnesses. After giving my shoulder a quick squeeze, Katie drops her arm and backs away.
"Good luck, Merri," she says before turning her back to me and joining Byron on the far side of the room.
I just stand there for a long moment, confused over everything that has just happened. I hadn't expected Katie to be here. No one knew I was here but Byron, and I know he didn't tell anyone else.
A new wave of panic ripples through me. Though I am glad to see my friend, and elated to know she doesn't hate me, I don't want her to be here for this. Had I been confident enough to come without him, Byron wouldn't be here either.
A hand touches the small of my back and I stiffen in place. When a voice I know speaks, my throat tightens at the warmth of its tone.
"Thought maybe you were trying to back out on me for a few minutes there."
I turn slowly, convinced my mind must have finally snapped. But when I face the man fully and he tips my head up in that same familiar way, I know that this is real. When I meet his warm brown gaze, all my manic thoughts cease their babble. And when he smiles at me, I immediately forget where I am and what I am preparing to do.
"Breathe, Merri," he says softly, and I do.
"Jace?" I whisper. "I don't understand. Why are you here?"
"Because I made you a promise. I said nothing you could ever say would make me hate you. Plus we had a deal, we're supposed to do this together. I don't break my promises, and I'm not backing out on you just because things got a little hard."
My eyes sting at his words. Is he saying he doesn't hate me? Even after everything, he still cares enough to be here for me in this? Those questions send my mind into a tale spin, and my heart isn't sure whether to leap for joy or bolt in fear. His being here is changing everything, and I just don't know how to feel about that.
"How about we go get you fitted for our jump."
Only then do I realize he is wearing a harness, just like the one I am about to be strapped into. I shake my head in disbelief. This isn't happening. He isn't here and I am hallucinating. But then he smiles and I know it is all real. Even on my best days, my mind can only reproduce a weak replica of that warm smile.
Bending down, he whispers in my ear, "You'll never soar too far for me to follow. I'll catch you before you land and we'll still be broken together."
He pulls away then takes my hand and leads me to where an empty harness waits for me. My mind reeling, my body numb, I step into the loops that will soon be tightened around my legs and waist, my eyes never leaving the ones that watch me now so closely. He read my letter. He read my letter, and he had come ... to save me from myself.
I don't watch as the straps are tightened. I don't watch as their ends are neatly folded then tucked under the small bungees that will keep them securely in place. I don't watch as each buckle is tested to make sure it's working properly. Suddenly, none of that matters to me anymore. All that matters is the soft gaze that holds mine, the one that no longer looks so pained as it had just hours ago.
All that matters is Jace.