· Merri ·
(Earlier that day...)
Katie has both brushed and braided my hair, and now I am in my room getting ready for our day out. I slip into a clean top and jeans, then pull on my tennis shoes in preparation for the walking I know is in store for us today. I don't particularly relish the thought of traipsing around the mall--with all the people, the noise, and the smells that are so foreign to me--but I am looking forward to the additional time spent with Katie.
Like her brother, she makes me feel better about myself for a time, and though that brings with it its own sense of guilt to compound what I already feel, I try not to let it sour my mood.
It seems to make them happy, seeing me happy. And if this is what it takes to make them smile I will do it, no matter how I feel about it later. Soon enough it won't matter anyway--all of this will be someone else's memory. Far be it from me to make it an unpleasant one. A myriad of thoughts still running through my mind, I join Katie in the living room, where she is lounging on the massage table and staring at the ceiling.
"You know, I've never let Jace give me a tattoo," Katie muses as I enter the room. "I'm a bit of a coward where pain is concerned."
"It's really not all that bad," I say as I move to stand next to her. "The process is painful, and the two days afterward are uncomfortable. The worst part is the terrible itch of its healing."
Katie turns her head to look at me, the light of amusement dancing in her eyes.
"You don't have to lie to me to be my friend," she laughs. "I've been with Kyle a few times, and judging by the stuff that comes out of his mouth while Jace is working on him, I'd say you're downplaying it quite a bit."
I laugh a little at that and turn away. "I guess it just comes to mind over matter: if it matters, you don't really mind."
"I know how important this is to you, Merri," Katie says softly after a pause, rising from the table as she speaks. I can feel her gaze on me but I don't turn around, instead looking out the window to the bright day waiting for us. "Jace knows, too. That's why he worries about it so much."
"He worries? Why?" I turn to Katie as I speak.
"Because he's terrified what he's doing won't be good enough. He wants it to be perfect."
Katie's smile has faded and been replaced by a look of concern, and a seriousness that gives me pause. I hadn't known Jace was afraid his work wouldn't be good enough, but Katie's light frown is proof of her honest assessment. I have seen what he's done so far, and it is turning out even better than I could have hoped for. He is a gifted artist, truly, and the masterpiece he is creating is exceptional.
Have I told him that? No, I don't think I have.
"He is very talented," I finally say, dropping my gaze to his chair. "I could not be more pleased than I am with what he's doing for me."
"Maybe you should tell him that," Katie says, slipping off the table then laying a gentle hand on my shoulder. "He's always doubted himself in nearly everything he does. It's one of his biggest flaws. Strong as he seems to be, he's one of us. He needs reassurance every now and then, and to be told that he is enough."
I frown at that. Jace seems so strong, not merely physically but emotionally as well. It has never occurred to me that he might wear a mask too.
"Come on," Katie says, switching the subject. "Daylight's wasting and we have a lot of ground to cover this afternoon."
I sigh as I fall in behind Jace's sister and follow her out the door. But even as I adopt my smile once again, it is a battle against my inner thoughts and misgivings to keep it carefully fixed into place. I am being drawn meticulously away from my main goals, straying from the path that had once been so clear, and I am no longer sure how I feel about that.
For the first time in a long while, I feel the stirrings of true happiness inside me, and it is all due to the influence of Jace and his sister in my life. But that happiness is tinged with the thought that I shouldn't be doing this, that it is wrong of me to have this type of relationship with them. In the end, will it cause them to hate me? Will they look upon my behavior now and wonder how I could have presumed to be so selfish?
A thought occurs to me as I climb into the passenger seat of Katie's car and shut the door. Is my withholding my true intentions a lie? That errant idea sends a nervous flutter through my stomach. I want to be as open and honest with them as they've been with me, but I don't know how. Nor do I want to lose them should I find the courage to do so.
For the first time in my life, I find I can not organize a plan of action, can not put my thoughts into neat columns and rows in my mind, can not decide what I should do based on the facts that lie before me. Because, truth be known, I am more confused than I've ever been. And though that bothers me on some fundamental level, I find I am enjoying it more than I should. With the Declan siblings I have found a level of comfort that has never been mine, and I want desperately to keep it now that I've discovered it.
The question is, can I?
***
After Katie and I had walked around the mall for a while, Katie had stopped by the library at my request on our way back to my house. Since I have rid myself of everything--including my computer and the internet service I no longer require--I need the services offered there. By the time I've finished and everything has been taken care of, I feel more relaxed than I ever have before in my life. I am doing the right thing for once, and that is something I will not regret, no matter how I've gone about accomplishing it.
When I finally log off the public computer, I wear a smile that feels more welcome to me than any I've worn all day. I find Katie seated in a chair near the front entrance, where she is waiting patiently for me to join her.
"Did you finish whatever it was you needed to get done?"
"I did." I give her a bright smile. Though there are questions in Katie's eyes she does not ask them, for which I am thankful. I am a terrible liar and no amount of torture could make me confess the truth.
"Perhaps we still have time to stop for coffee?" I offer instead.
"Yeah, I think so. And maybe a danish." Katie winks at me then laughs lightly as she loops an arm through mine.
We leave the library then drive across town to the familiar shop, the one where we had had our conversation about Jace several days ago. I smile when I see it and am glad Katie has chosen to come here. Though the talk we'd had previously had been awkward, it still is a fond memory for me that I don't mind to revisit now.
We make our way inside and place our orders, then move to find a seat near the windows. As I sit down, I sigh contentedly and allow my previous smile to linger as a spectral version of itself.
"You seem to be in a mighty fine mood today," Katie says as she sits across from me. "I don't know that I've ever seen you smile so much. I like it."
"I like it, too," I admit, letting my smile widen just a bit with the confession. "I enjoy your company very much."
"Same here." Katie reaches across the table and pats my hand affectionately. "I'm not gonna lie to you though, you were a bit of a hard pill to swallow at first."
"How so?" I ask, curious. I sit back and sip my coffee as I wait for her to explain.
"Well, for starters, I don't think I've ever met someone as serious as you. It's like you analyze absolutely everything in life."
"I do. I've found there's less likelihood of surprises that way. I've always found them to be rather disagreeable."
"Oh, but Merri, that's the beauty of life--not knowing where it will eventually lead you. Surprises are like taking a wrong path to an even better one. I'll admit that some things you can't treat that way, there's no way around it, but to truly enjoy life you have to be impulsive every once in a while. Let your hair loose. Stand in the rain. Shout at the storm."
"You are speaking metaphorically?"
Katie grins at me and shakes her head. "Only in part. Look, I came to grips early on in life that it can't last forever. When the end comes for me, I want to be able to look back and grin, not regret all the things I could have done but didn't. I want to laugh and smile and be happy, and I want others to remember that about me."
There is a kind of sorrow behind Katie's words, and it tugs at my heart. She speaks of her impending death as if it is no more important than the changing of the seasons, and that bothers me. How can she not realize she is so much more important than that?
"Merri, there is so much to life that most people simply ignore, but all the little things are what makes it worth while. If you can't enjoy them, then you truly aren't living at all, and if you only see the bad side in everything there is no way you can recognize the good when it comes along.
"I choose to see the good side and not dwell on the rest. That's the legacy I want to leave behind."
As she speaks, Katie's expression turns into a thoughtful kind of softness, as if the words themselves have taken the hard edges off her reality. I wonder at that. Though her future is grim, she still has will enough to see it differently than anyone else does.
"Have you ever done anything impulsive, Merri?" Katie finally asks.
"No." The warmth of my confession creeps into my cheeks and I smile shyly at my ... friend?
"Then I think it's high time you did. Is there anything you've ever considered doing that you've stopped yourself from following through with?"
"Yes," I admit. An image of Jace slips into my mind, and how he had looked last night as I'd tried to sooth his troubled mind while he'd slept. For just the briefest moment I had thought how easy it would be to just lean up kiss him, to find out how that would feel just because I'd wanted to.
I have been kissed before but it had never been because I'd particularly hoped for the experience, not even when it had been Jace who'd initiated it. Last night was the first time I've ever wondered what I might be missing in that.
"Then I really think you should do it. You never know, it might not be nearly as bad as you think. You could even think of it as an experiment, if that would make you feel better about it afterward."
As I sip my coffee and look at Katie, I wonder if she is right. Should I do what my heart had told me to do instead of listening to my mind, with all its facts and neat little tick marks in its perfect little boxes? Would it be so terrible to give spontaneity a try, if only this once?
With a tiny smile and little flutter in my heart, I think I just might, consequences be damned.