1.
Conan stared himself down in the mirror attached to his bedroom door, inspecting his appearance. He didn't like the way his light blue button-up matched his eyes and made his long lashes stand out even more than they already did. He didn't like it one bit.
"Fucking hell," he muttered under his breath, struggling to take off the shirt as he furiously fumbled with the buttons in frustration.
"Watch your tone, young man!" his mother, Lillian, yelled from the kitchen. The smell of pancakes wafted through his nose and made his empty stomach rumble, but he was too nervous to eat anything. "Come eat breakfast while it's hot!"
"Hold on a second!" he shouted back. He avoided looking at his shirtless self in the mirror, throwing on a grey hoodie before analyzing his appearance once again.
He groaned in exasperation. Why did everything have to look so awful on him? He couldn't stand the way the fabric hung off of his petite frame and seemed to swallow him whole. Clothes from the men's section were too big on him but he refused the embarrassment of shopping in the boy's department instead. That would be humiliating.
"Hey," his twin brother, Duncan, called from outside his door. "Open up."
Conan hesitantly took a step back and opened the door to reveal his brother who towered over him. They weren't identical twins, but the pair had matching dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. Duncan's face had sharp features whereas Conan's sported soft ones. The twin exuded an aura of dominance that Conan craved to possess.
A part of him hated Duncan for being able to have the one thing he desired most for in life without doing anything to earn it. Conan would've done anything to trade places with his brother.
"What is it?" Conan lowered his voice to a deeper tone. He always did whenever talking to the man before him.
Duncan scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and looked everywhere but Conan. "I came to check on you."
He rolled his eyes in response. "You came to check on me, or mom wanted you to?"
"Um... mom did," Duncan admitted sheepishly.
Conan scoffed under his breath, knowing better than to even think his twin would care about his well-being. Ever since Conan came out to the family, Duncan had been weird about it. He acted like a completely different person.
The kids in Texas had been cruel and did unspeakable things to the defenseless boy. It hurt inside that his own blood relative didn't stick up for him when he was bullied. Though Duncan never made any indication to show he cared.
After the bullying grew to be too much, their parents decided that moving to Massachusetts would be better for Conan. They wanted him to have a fresh start where he could be happy. It pissed Duncan off that he had to move his senior year of high school, losing all his friends and everything he had looked forward to for years.
Maybe it was a good thing for Conan, but for Duncan? It ruined everything.
Duncan narrowed his eyes. "Just hurry the hell up so we can get to school, 'kay? You're the reason we have to go at all." He stormed down the hall void of any picture frames or decorations since nobody had time to put them up yet. They had only moved into the new house a few days ago, right in time for school to start.
Duncan's temper was one of his seemingly endless faults. It was the most irritating and hard to put up with, next to his arrogance of course.
Conan grabbed his empty backpack and decided that his outfit didn't make any difference. He was going stealth at the new school. Looking like he spent no time on his looks would help him blend in with all the other boys anyway. It didn't matter. At least that's what he kept trying to reassure himself of.
"Well don't you look handsome!" Lillian gushed at the sight of her son despite him being dressed in baggy clothes that covered his entire frame. The long sleeves cursed him with sweater paws that he kept pushing back up, but the clothing slipped down his arm again each time.
Conan couldn't help but smile at his mother's bubbly attitude. He normally hated morning people but Lillian was an exception. She was always a beaming ray of sunshine and positivity that he aspired to follow after.
"How many pancakes? Two or three?" she asked. The pan she was cooking with sizzled under the batter as she flipped another pancake on the burner.
"I'm not really hungry." The nerves in his stomach were eating him inside-out. If he so much as took one bite, it'd end up all over someone's shoes later.
To anyone who didn't know him, he seemed fine. His face was blank. It was an expression he had practiced for years to master. He didn't want to be the same laughingstock he was at his old school. Going somewhere where nobody knew him was an opportunity to become a new person. To become the man he wanted to be without having to deal with anyone's unwanted judgement and cruelty.
Well, that was the plan at least. He couldn't bear to imagine what would happen if his secret got spilled. He made a promise to himself that meant he would do whatever it takes to make sure no one found out about his identity. Teenagers loved to gossip. If even one person knew, he'd be done for.
The only reason he wasn't nervous about Duncan knowing about it was that his parents might make them move again if the word spread. The last thing Duncan wanted was to have to restart again because of Conan's secret that he deemed to be ridiculous.
He didn't understand how Conan felt. Nobody did. Some pretended to, but they never really understood. And it made him feel even more isolated than he already was.
Lillian frowned at him. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You don't want to start off your first day on an empty stomach, you need your brain power!" She placed three pancakes on a paper to-go plate which was soon forced into his hands.
"Right," he agreed and thanked her so that he could get out the door faster.
They lived too close to the school for busing to be available but still not close enough for him or Duncan to walk, which resulted in them being forced to share an uncomfortable car ride to and from school every day that neither of them was looking forward to.
Conan made a move to escape but he was stopped by his mother who had her arms crossed over her chest, giving him an expectant look. They were almost at eye level. He was taller than her by an inch or so but it was barely noticeable. He thrived off of that extra inch though. Being taller than anyone at all made him ecstatic.
"Hug your poor mother." She tapped her foot impatiently on the floor with a raised eyebrow.
He sighed in defeat and gave her a quick hug. On the outside he might've appeared irritated, but inside? He loved her more than anything. His parents had been so accepting which made him eternally grateful. Not a lot of people had the luxury of acceptance from their family. It wasn't perfect because of the bullying and stray ignorant relatives here and there, but he was grateful nonetheless. It was better than nothing.
"Love you." He went to pull away but Lillian held onto him tighter.
"Please stay safe today," she spoke meekly with tears in her eyes. "I know it's not exactly like you can control it but for your old mother's sake, do whatever you can."
He swallowed down the lump in his throat. "I will."
Duncan was awkwardly standing by the door in silence. He watched the two, silently jealous of the affection he never got from their mother. In retrospect, it was his own fault. Though his ego wouldn't allow him to admit it.
"Remember to smile. First impressions are everything," she encouraged after pulling away. "Make plenty of friends and be nice to your teachers so that they give you good grades."
Conan laughed in response. "I'll do my best."
He knew that there was no chance of any of that happening but he wanted to soothe Lillian's worries. She had given up her world for him to be happy, at least tried to, and he wanted to repay her in whatever ways he could.
"We're going to be late." Duncan loudly cleared his throat, fed up with their lovey moment.
"Right," Lillian huffed and wiped away her tears. She was acting like her son was off to his first day of preschool with a Thomas The Train lunch box and cartoon full of crayons. "I'll let you go."
After saying their goodbyes they finally parted. Conan followed an impatient Duncan out the door with his backpack slung over his shoulder and pancakes that he tossed into the trash once Lillian couldn't see them anymore. He felt bad but there was no way he'd be able to choke down any food with the way his stomach was trying to combust in his gut.
They wordlessly got into their shared car, Duncan in the driver's seat. He pulled out of the driveway and the pair were on their way to high school.
"Don't follow me around once we get there. I don't want anyone knowing we're related," Duncan grunted out as they neared their destination.
Conan felt a little hurt but he would never admit that. He didn't expect much else from his brother.
"The feeling is mutual," he muttered back in the deepest voice he could.
"Wait two minutes before getting out of the car after I do," Duncan said gruffly. He pulled into the parking lot and Conan's empty stomach threatened to spill out despite not having eaten anything. Duncan was still talking but Conan wasn't listening.
The school had to be big enough for at least two thousand students. It was both of their first times seeing it and imagining the experience versus living it was vastly different. Suddenly he craved for the familiarity of his hometown. Even the thought of his old bullies taunting him and beating him up every day was better than the fear sizzling through his veins right then. Anything was.
"Got it?" Duncan finished as he pulled into a spot and pulled the keys out of the ignition. Conan couldn't understand how his brother wasn't at least half as nervous as he was. He didn't bother trying to confide in him since he'd just get laughed at.
"Yeah, whatever," he mumbled under his breath.
Duncan popped his car door open and didn't spare Conan another glance, striding straight through the front doors.
Conan wished he had Duncan's confidence too. He had so many characteristics that Conan lacked. He was the sporty, emotionless jock type that was a total womanizer. Conan was a quiet kid that was immensely awkward and didn't have any social skills.
He flinched when he heard a girl shriek from a couple feet away from the car. She had long blonde hair that curled around her lower back. He admired the smile on her cheeks as she laughed at some guy who was tickling her against a car. Conan assumed they were a couple and he sighed at the sight of the tall guy who was all over her.
The boy looked like the outdoorsy type with his tan skin and muscular body that looked like it was more from regular laborious work rather than hours spent at the gym. Conan was envious of his masculine frame and how he towered over the pretty girl with ease. He couldn't see the guy since his back was toward him, but his hair was dirty blonde and messy atop his head.
Conan longed to have that kind of strength. He wanted to be able to make a girl laugh the way the stranger was. He doubted any girl would ever date him. He wasn't anything a girl would want and he pitied anyone that might be stupid enough to fall in love with him. With his short frame, frail body, quietness, awkward personality, and inability to stand up for himself, there was no way he'd be as lucky as that guy.
They were from two different worlds. He seemed to be a popular jock like Duncan while Conan was some outcasted loser. Though he yearned to trade places with him, it was unrealistic.
He'd never compare to guys like that. Insecurities nipped at his skin but he shook his head in determination. This was supposed to be a fresh start. He wouldn't be some wimp who was too shy to hold his own. This was his time to at least become half the man he longed to be.
"Stop being so negative," he scolded himself. "Just go in there with your head held high and pretend to be confident. You're your own worst enemy."
He must've looked like a lunatic, sitting in an empty car and hyping himself up. But he didn't care. He couldn't care. He needed to be independent and strong. That was the only way to survive.
Though he didn't want to only survive, he wanted to live. He wanted a life and to enjoy his senior year the way any other teenager would. Neither of those things was possible but at least he could get through the days without wanting to die all the time.
Maybe life wasn't perfect, but it was better. It was as good as it was going to get. Being transgender in high school is horrible.