Prom night.
Everyone was having the fun of their lives. Justin was with Jessica, Clay with Ani... And Alex with Charlie.
With Charlie.
Zach stared at them. How he wished to be with Alex. But instead he brought a hooker. He was pretending to have fun. But actually he wasn't enjoying himself. Seeing Alex with Charlie made him jealous. But it was his own fault. He should have told him how he felt. Not only about the kiss, but how he felt having the smaller boy around, in his arms. But he was a coward. To scared to stand his ground, to scared what others would think about him. He always was and for ever will be.
Alex deserved someone like Charlie. Someone so sweet, caring. Someone without any heavy burdens to carry around. Someone who wasn't a damn alcoholic.
He kept watching them. Alex was smiling. Everyone was smiling - but only his own smile was pretending.
He took off with his prom "date". And the next moment he remembered Alex and Charlie were entering the room, literally stopping him from assaulting the girl.
His mind was racing, the alcohol buzzing in his head. He heard Alex saying something about him being a mess. He saw Charlie staring at him, repeating his line he once told him "Be better."
They left the room as quick as they entered. Leaving Zach behind in rage. Not only because of what he almost did, but also because he saw how close Alex and Charlie were.
But what should he be jealous about. Alex was his best friend. And best frienda shouldnt be jealous about the other ones partner.
He didn't know how much time had passed since the couple left.
Zach sighed in anger and grabbed his jacket after adjusting his clothes. The way back outside led through a huge crowd of people dancing, some of which seemed to notice him, some of which don't. He bumped in some, didn't apologize. There was no need anyway since nobody cared. No one actually ever cared.
A short desperate laugh escaped his lips. Not even Alex. He only asked about what was going on with him once. The other time he simply didn't.
The time Alex was recovering from his suicide attempt Zach ignored everything, just to help his best friend through his dark times. He ignored his own struggles, he pushed his own needs aside only to see Alex smile again. And yet, the boy didn't do the same. Friends were supposed to look out for each other... Weren't they?
Lost in his thoughts he ran into Justin. Zach mumbled a rather not so audible apology to his friend who was looking at him in concern.
He reached his way to the parking lot. It was empty. Filled with cars only. Everyone was having fun inside while he was not.
He had no idea why he even came here. Only to see Alex and Charlie being together--as a couple? Only to make himself jealous?
He wanted to run away. Maybe jump from a rooftop.
He sat down on the pavement and let out another sigh.
His mind replaying the day of the car accident. Why was he even mad at Clay for doing this? Was it because he survived it? Was it because he wished he was dead?
Why couldn't he just have died. Being alive made no sense at this point anymore. His excessive drinking problem didn't came out of nowhere.
Zach heard footsteps approaching him, pulling him out of his own mind. In the corner of his eyes he could see someone in a white suit sitting down next to him.
"What are you doing here? Outside, alone?" he heard Justin ask.
"Could ask you the same. Y'should be inside with Jess."
Zach saw his other friend nood.
"But we also shouldn't ignore our other friends. Don't we?" a hand was placed on his back for a short second.
"I saw Alex and Charlie rushing outside with your date. And then only a few minutes later you followed. What happened?"
Zach scoffed. Of course someone saw it.
Still not looking in Justin's direction he waved his hand.
"Why don't you ask "Picture perfect couple" if they come back here? I think they can explain it to you better than I can since I'm a "mess" ." he didn't mean to snap. Not at Justin because he knew this boy only meant it in a good way.
Justin took a quick look at his friends face to see that something was bothering him. That he was carrying around to many burdens and no one seemed to ask. Not even him- but he wanted to know now.
"You know you can tell me everything, because you belong to this group too."
The other boy only nooded, with a disappointed smile.
"Maybe I don't wanna talk."
"Rather drown your struggles in alcohol and other drugs? It better not ends like my story."
"It won't. I promise. I will be dead much more faster."
"You don't want to die."
"Looks like it don't you think? Dying right here would be pretty nice actually."
Zach could literally feel Justin's worries.
It drove him crazy. He buried his face in his hands, thinking about how nice it would be to talk about his feelings but on the other hand just drown them in alcohol. And being called a "mess" for the rest of his life. By his friends. By his crush. Which definitely was NOT Alex.
"Maybe you want to die. But that doesn't mean I want to see you die. Why don't you stop being like this for at least one night, THIS night, and tell me what's going on? We all noticed."
But nobody dated to ask. He whispered to himself.
"Did something happen between you and Alex?"
Zachs head snapped up as he heard his friend asking this question.
"Why the fuck would you think that?" he sounded angrier than he wanted to be.
"Because you could barely look at him just a few hours ago. You even excessively tried to avoid him. I don't know about the others but I saw it. Clearly."
"Clearly" the taller one repeated and closed his eyes.
"What else did you noticed?" Clearly"?"
"Besides the looks you give him when he doesn't look your way... Nothing really. But there's always something in your eyes that I can't decipher correctly. But it shifted even more the moment Charlie and Alex got together."
Wow. Even Justin noticed it all. Even while he was head over heels into Jessica and busy with staying clean.
" Don't. "
" Don't what? "
Zach made a short pause, casually rubbing his eyes not to look to suspicious that he was rubbing tears away.
" What's it about?"
"Look you better don't want to heat about my problems while Clay is probably annoying you already with his things. And you have to take care about yourself man. "
"Clay, You, Me. We all have been through a lot of shit so it's only fair to tell each other the things that are on our minds."
They went silent for 5 minutes. No one said anything. The only noise was the music in the background or cars driving by.
"I hate myself Justin. And I don't condemn anyone who hates me too. I never wanted to turn into someone like Bryce but I almost assaulted my barely conscious" date". The day we all rioted at school I wreaked the office together with Alex, police came and I had a fight with them. Never imagined that to happen. And it felt good." he laughed, and it sounded tired, but continued with a smiled on his face "Days, weeks before that I took Alex on a little rooftop date. I told him to get rid of things. We balanced on the edge of the rooftop, the street beneath us."
Justin looked at him in shock.
"You did what? Walking around the edge of a rooftop could have been your death."
"Yeah, smart-ass. That's what I was going for. Wasn't actively looking for death but if I would have slipped I wouldnt have mind at all."
Another tired laughter.
"Why?"
Another few minutes passed. He heard a car being pulled down in the parking lot, and two people exited it. The voices were more than familiar. One of them belonged to his crush. The someone he could never have because of his own stupidity.
Looking up he made eye contact even though they were both many feets apart. First with Charlie, then with Alex.
Alex looked at him in disappointment. But walked straight back into the venue. Without even daring him to ask what's wrong.
Zach eyes followed him. Until he disappeared inside. Justin had noticed it, obviously.
"Never saw you staring at him in this way. What's going on inside your head when you look at him?"
He couldn't just let all his bottled up feelings out in front of Justin--couldn't he?
"Nothing." Zach lied to himself
"Really. Because I saw many things in your eyes. And it was just for a few seconds. Longing, pining. Fondness. Jealousy for Charlie. And that's for sure. "
"Theres nothing. You're just imagine things."
Right. Just imagine things. Zach himself was just imagine things. Feelings for his best friend that weren't actually real.
Justin on the other hand was silent. He didn't say anything like he was waiting for something.
He buried his head in his hands again.
"I fucking love him so much alright? He has been on my mind for the last couple of month, and then he had the audacity to kiss me that evening we went on the rooftop. He had the audacity to pull away. But I was stupid myself. Even though I enjoyed the kiss I told him I don't like guys. But doesnt mean I disliked the kiss. The kiss was nice. I didn't see it coming. I was confused and still am, a little bit scared. I had all these feelings bottled up inside and couldn't cope with it because I was just to afraid of it. To afraid someone might will find out. I struggled for the past months because I wanted him to be my best friend. Not more and not less. I don't want to lose him as a friend. But I also want to be more than friends with him. On the other hand I'm not good enough for him, because he deserves happiness and I can't give him that. But when I see them together I hate myself for not even trying to tell him because now it's to late. I just want to die. I tried so many things but non of which really went as expected. I was mad at Clay for the car accident while in reality it was like a dream come true. Maybe me being dead would be a relief."
The words just blurted out of him. Maybe it was the alcohol in his body, maybe it was because it's Justin right in front of him. His puppy eyes always worked.
Said one looked at him in shock, like he just told him he mass killed a whole bunch of people.
" Zach this isn't funny. This is serious. You should get yourself help"
"Says Justin Foley."
"Goddamn Zach. And all because you love your best friend?"
"Pretty much yes I guess? I mean I already told you I'm a mess. That's what everyone is saying. Was saying.
"You might be a mess right now but you can be fixed. We all can be fixed with time. I mean it's a good sign that at least you told me what's going on inside the head of yours."
The other boy just nooded.
"Maybe you should go back inside, Jess is probably looking for you."
"Not the priority right no."
Justin pulled out his phone and send a text message to her, to inform her that he will stay outside with his friend for a few minutes.
"Why are you doing this?"
"You helped me, and now I help you. You got me back into sports and now I will get you back into life. And how you used to be."
And now? They were all sitting in the hospital waiting room. Justin collapsed only a few minutes later after they both went inside again. At first he didn't want to go there but Alex and Charlie literally dragged him inside. He didn't want to be there. He couldn't stand the thought of Justin dying. After he confessed everything to him. Zach looked over to see Alex holding his boyfriends hand. At least he was happy. He couldn't stand the sight of them. He thought everything would be fine after he spoke out his mind to Justin.
But now, everything came back. The self hatred. The jealousy. The death wish.
Justin died not long after. Taking the secrets with him.
He should be strong for his friend