V I V I E N
May 10, 2017
Early Afternoon
Sillons Café, Bloomsbury
"I can't believe I've never been here before," she said, looking out by the window, marveling at the small portion of London streets she can see. "And my family's just from Northern Ireland."
The afternoon brightness burned in her honey brown eyes and brings out the golden in her golden-brown hair. She's much more like everyone around here than I am. Jasmin's half British, but she's lived longer in the Philippines than I have, only making brief visits in Belfast every vacation she could get. This year, however, she decided to make a quick detour over here at London to be with me for two weeks. In return, I have decided to take the second summer term, giving me three months of break until I go back to classes in July.
"To be fair Jas, I've never been to Belfast either," I retorted. "Quits lang tayo."
(We're just the same.)
"Ah, true," she agreed, electing to look back at her plate of carbonara. I do the same, munching on my avocado toast. We comfortably eat in silence.
"The next year, maybe I'll fly back to Manila and you could introduce me to your Lasallian friends," I said, recounting her stories about the new people she met over at college.
"Asahan ko yan Vienie, promise me!" she said, calling me by my nickname she only uses for persuasive matters. The name sounds so soft that it softens my heart and I give in to anything she says. It worked for the weekend parties she dragged me to. It's also the same nickname from my mom and dad and Nana, so I guess it's a family thing at the same time. Jas is technically my sister anyway.
(I'm going to look forward to that, promise me!)
"I'm going to promise when I finally get my hands on a plane ticket," I explained, not wanting to make the decision an entire year before. So much could happen by then. And I'm not saying that things will go wrong, enough for the plan to not push through. I'm just talking about future circumstances that may influence the schedule. "For now, let's just enjoy the break here."
"That's right and I plan to," she said. "I was hoping to meet your friends."
"Oh, you will, maybe on Saturday when they're free from acads," I said.
(Acads—Tagalog slang for school, schoolwork, and anything school related)
Bryon, Zach, and Gracie weren't too happy with me when I decided to take an earlier break than them. But with an explanation matched with pouty lips and puppy eyes, they supported me anyway. I even got them to be excited to meet Jas.
"What're their names again?"
"Bryon, Zach, they're the couple," I described, "then Gracie, she's the one with great fashion taste."
"Right," she muttered, raising an eyebrow. With a careful sound, she added, "and the business mogul?"
"Theo?"
"Theo."
"Oh, yeah him too," I said, hesitation lacing my words.
Theo and I are still friends, although, we're back to being on awkward polar ends. After he drunk dialed me about two months ago, things haven't been exactly normal between us. Every time I see him, I have a hard time separating his blind drunk side to his sober side.
It was on the night that Bryon reported Harry's presence in London. I thought that after my abridged story of what went down between me and Harry, that he was going to drop the topic and put it past us like I had planned to do after that day. But a little later in the evening, an unknown number called me without a person speaking on the other line.
It was only after two hours later that I was given a name. Theo called me, completely inebriated, slurring his words. With music in the background, I could already tell he was in a pub. It was also after I had blocked his number and he called me using another one that made me conclude he was also the first nameless caller.
○ ○ ○
"Vivien! I'm not stupid. I just thought I'd have the chance. Yo—you're lying. I know it. I can see it. You still like him. You two aren't just t—two people who know each other like you always say."
"Theo, please just go home. You're too intoxicated for this conversation we can talk again when you're better," I replied, shakily.
Even though his drunken state was anywhere near me, I felt scared. Cold ran through my body despite the thermostat set to around 80° and I was still in a sweater. He spoke in a throaty growl that vibrated throughout my body, making me feel weak.
"I like you Vivien. Fuck, I still like you," he said, frustration in every word. "And I don't understand. I don't understand how you're still hang up on that—that fucking popstar. You haven't talked to him in m—"
"Stop. Theo stop," I interrupted, fighting my stammer to sound firm. "You don't know him. You weren't with us. I have told you there was nothing going on—"
"No. NO!" he shouted. His deep voice thundered through the speaker. I don't like thunder. Like the crashing noise from the sky, he further frightened me, almost making me lose my grip on my phone. "Don't feed me the same shit please."
"Theo, I already made it clear ever since we met." I bit my lip, thoughts muddled while I figure out what to say next. "I've told you again and again. We're friends. That's all we can be. With or without Harry in the picture."
"Are you sure? I saw the way you looked when you found out he's in Lon—"
"Don't," I threatened, but with the way he is right now, I know he'd barely flinch at that. "Stop analyzing my face. Stop this, wh–whatever this is. You're drunk. You're just drunk."
He laughed with spite. His laughter was usually phlegmatic. This time, I couldn't even tell if it was his or a different wicked person's. "I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid Vivien."
"I don't like you, okay?" I raised my voice, forcing power over my agitation. I was scared, but I was also growing madder. Before this all blows up for us, I leave him an ultimatum, "Now stop this or you'll never see me again."
After that, I pressed the end button. I put my phone down. I got myself a glass of water, fighting the unsteadiness of my hands. On my bed, my phone buzzed endlessly. My fear was slowly overtaken by brimming anger as the ringtone repeated over and over again. I ran back to my bed and blocked his number.
I tolerate merely a minute of silence before incessant calls followed again. Another unknown number flashed on the screen. I answered it, and immediately, upon hearing the sound of party music, blocked it as well. I was done.
I did all that I could not to lead him on. I have been honest with him on where I stand in the kind of relationship we have. I guess it's my fault that I didn't really make sure whether he had grasped that or not. But it's all because he wasn't out of his skull drunk all the time. And he's smart.
I laid in bed that night struggling to understand if he had versions of himself. Sober, drunk, extremely drunk. Or if that was simply who he was, just completely unguarded by his own sense of right.
The next day, Gracie showed up at my door with a number of missed calls on her phone. All from Theo. Then Bryon followed, showing me the same thing. They both looked at me, reflecting my exhaustion but with concern. They were curious. But they kept their wandering thoughts to themselves and just decided to stay for popcorn and movies, eager to change my sullen face.
Their questions were left up in the air for the rest of the day until Zach called Bryon with a worried urgency. Theo met up with him, looking like hell, he described. He said that the poor lad was asking for his help to talk to me. Zach didn't push for his favor despite having no clue about what was going on. He only told Theo to wait until things dwindled. I thanked Zach for what he did.
After that phone conversation, I finally decided to tell the girls what went down the night before. I still left out the huge truth about me and Harry. Honestly, at that point, I felt so burnt out by the number of times he's been mentioned. He's barely in my life and yet his name rolled around our tongues as if he was.
I told them about Theo's ever so present feelings for me and my absent ones. I was prepared for them to tease me again about how we're going to end up together but they didn't. Then, I told them about Theo's assumptions about me and Harry. I calmed their shock in desperate hope that they would finally just believe me when I say that I no longer talked to Harry and that there was nothing big that happened between us at all. They simply nodded.
Finally, I shared how Theo didn't sound like himself at all. I repeated his words, his laugh, his shout; and shuddered while doing so. I cried telling them that I didn't recognize the person on the other side of the line because all I felt for him was fear and anger. I felt like I was talking to an indignant stranger and not a friend.
They hugged me, expressing the same upset as I felt. I thanked them for being the comfort. Then, I shared that I planned to talk to him anyway, asking for their help. At first, they were apprehensive, but understood why it felt necessary still.
Truth is, I didn't like the heavy weight on my chest. I could never bare having grudge for long and that's why I can never let a fight with anyone last for more than a day. Whether we needed to make up or just have a closure, I'd do them all.
The two of them argued that it wasn't a fight and that it could be indicative of potentially disturbing behavior from Theo. I told them that crossed my mind and that I'll remember that when I talk to him.
They left only after I told them a thousand times that I was going to be okay. They made me promise to call if I needed anything. Gracie reminded me that she was just a floor below me.
That Sunday night I felt better. I owe it to Bryon and Gracie. I kept my attention on my online copyediting work and the savory pizza I had delivered. I was doing better than yesterday and every second that passed until my phone rang. I jumped at the sound, discovering that I had somehow grown uneasy over phone calls.
It was from the first unknown number the other day. I furrowed my eyebrows trying to figure out I had blocked this number or not. I decided to take it. I inhale a sharp breath, setting up a brave facade just to tell him that I was willing to talk the next day and hopefully end his persistence. I put the phone right next to my ear.
"Hello?" I said.
No answer.
"Hello?"
I tried again, sounding croaky and tired of dealing with phone calls over the past twenty-four hours.
"Hi?"
A dark voice replied.
"Hello?"
I resaid.
"I—"
"Theo?" I mustered.
As I'm met again with silence, I cleared my throat, gathering all that's left of my energy for him.
"Theo, if this is you using a different number to call me, quit it. I blocked you and your second phone. I'm going to block this one, too. Please just go home, let's talk about this on Monday."
With that, I cut my connection to him, making this the third number on my blocked list.
○ ○ ○
Jas and I made it back to my flat after about three hours of chatting. I almost escaped Sillons without the reminder of another certain person. I almost escaped it for the sixth month. But:
As we made our way out, Jas stopped in her tracks, causing me to do the same. I look at her weirdly as her face twitched into looking like she had remembered something.
"Viv, this is where you saw Harry, right?" she said, excitement growing in every syllable.
I nod, smiling.
Her neck tenses up as she holds down a squeak, "You're so lucky. Where did he sit?"
I look back to the table we sat in and realized I actually didn't know where he originally sat before he came to me. So I just followed the direction from where he walked towards me. I point to the chair by the door, "Over there."
She walks towards the luckily empty table, caressing it as if to get his essence.
"What are you doing?" I asked her, moving closer to her.
"I touched the place where Harry was in. I have his DNA!"
After that, she couldn't stop talking about how she had indirectly met a part of Harry and how she just might have walked the steps he took on the streets. I just nodded and laughed along, realizing I had missed this so much. More often than not, this was the topic of our conversations in high school and I had always enjoyed her fangirling. Experiencing this for the first time in a while made me feel at home and younger.
"Hey do you have NBC over here?" she asked, looking up from her phone.
"I'm not sure I haven't really looked through why?"
She proceeds to grab the remote from the tiny center table between the couch and telly. She recoils back to her curled-up position on the couch beside me. Then looks at me to give her reason, a smile spreading across her face, "Harry's trending on twitter. He sang a new song on the Today Show."
"Oh," I said.
"Have you listened to his other song, Sign of the Times?" she asked while looking through the channels.
"Kind of, yeah, I haven't really fully."
"What?" she exclaimed, surprised eyes immediately darting at me.
I was the Harry girl in our set of fangirl friends. I usually looked forward to Harry's parts in One Direction songs or Harry's appearances in their music videos. I could understand why it would be so unlike me to have not watched any of his new material. But we all know why that's different now.
I have listened to Sign of the Times once when it played in Bryon's car stereo and there was no way to skip (like I'd want to). In that sense, actually, I have fulfilled one of the last few things I told him before we parted, permanently:
"Guess the next time I'll be listening to you's from the radio, yeah?" I recall telling him.
Catching my drifting mind, I replied to her, "I've been busy, but I've heard of it. S'just, I don't have it down word for word."
"Vivien," she said, like a conservative mom who just watched her kid do something mildly untraditional.
"Jas," I smiled. She turns her head back to the television.
I wasn't really entirely avoiding anything about Harry anymore but I couldn't see myself going back to being the same level of fangirl of his as before. Sure, I wasn't as passionate of a supporter as Jas but I still supported him strongly then. Now, it's just basically like, he consumes way less of my life. Of course, I couldn't control how much of him would appear everywhere I go but I find myself rarely pausing over a tweet about him or clicking an article about him or intentionally googling his name or his new songs.
"Found it!" she proudly screamed.
Now, with Jas around, I have to accept that I'm going to hear anything and everything about him more frequently than I have over the past few months. That means nearly every hour she could. Because there he is, on the screen, in a rich pink suit with a haircut that's barely longer than the last time I saw him.
a/n:
Mixed feelings over Theo.
Listened to:
You're Somebody Else – flora cash
Hope everyone's doing well, thanks for the 1.5k reads (smol acc happiness)
x