When Haruna got home that night, it was past 11:30 p.m. Silently, she snuck inside her house and slipped off her shoes. Her parents had known she was going to be out, and considering she was going to be in the care of the Nakatomi's, they were perfectly fine with Haruna being out late. Regardless, that didn't mean she could come in and make a bunch of noise. So, as quietly as she could, Haruna made her way up the stairs and into her room.
When she got there, she quickly went through her routine. Haruna changed out of her uniform into her version of pajamas, brushed her teeth and then went straight to bed. She knew she'd have to face her past very shortly, but Haruna decided tonight was definitely not the time as she swiftly fell asleep.
The next morning, she awoke to the sound of birds chirping loudly outside of her window. "Ugh, shut up..." Haruna whined. But of course, they didn't. In fact, they seemed to get louder. Looking at the time on her phone, Haruna saw it was 8:00 a.m. "I just wanna sleep more..." she moaned, but her complaints were ignored. Knowing it was useless, Haruna gave up and got out of bed.
When she went to step on the floor, Haruna felt something stab her foot. "OW!" she yelped, looking to see what it was. Picking up the item in question, Haruna saw it was a broken phone strap. It had once been whole, and it was something she had bought with Kanako not too long before their friendship ended. In letters beginning to fade, it still read "END" where it had snapped in half.
Haruna stared at the piece of plastic in her hand. For a while, she thought nothing, simply keeping her eyes on those three letters and reading it over and over. Finally, something came to mind. It was a thought that Haruna was pretty sure had never crossed her mind before, but with how conflicted her heart had become, a certain question was forced to the front of it. "...Why did it have to end?"
That question was one Haruna had always avoided. Part of her reason had been that she was just trying to forget about Kanako and all the time she had spent with her, but the other part was because Haruna felt like it was pointless to try and come up with an answer. Of course, Haruna felt that way because she was fairly certain that even if she did try, she probably wouldn't be able to find it.
Not finding answers turned out to be the theme of the weekend. Over and over Haruna went through moments in her head. The moment she realized she was in love with Akio. The time she had spent with him. The deal he had made, making Haruna confront her past even if she didn't want to. Then, there were the moments with Kanako. At first, there had been so much yelling and arguing, but now...
"It's like my outside and inside are out of sync..." Haruna sighed. It was true the amount of fights the two girls had been getting into had gone down, but there were still times when Haruna said something she knew she shouldn't have and it would make Kanako upset. "I used to never even care about how she felt," Haruna thought. "So how come I do now? Why do I feel guilty when I hurt her? Why... does my heart race every time I'm near her? Why do I find myself looking forward to seeing her?"
"Feelings like those are ones a person should be able to enjoy... so why can't I?"
Question after question flew through Haruna's mind. Continuously they went by, each one going unanswered. Haruna had a feeling that she might get some answers if she finally would look back on her past, but she was afraid to. Haruna was afraid of what it would mean for her and how it would change her relationship with Kanako. But when your past catches up to you, it will wait no longer, and for Haruna, it was as if hers loomed over her heart, casting its shadows of doubt and regret.
Not having to worry about anyone hearing her, Haruna screamed.
If there was any singular way to sum up her feelings, it was like all of them had been tied together in a neat bow of frustration. "I don't... get it..." Haruna said quietly as she dropped to her knees in the living room. Her landing let out a loud thud, but no one else was home. The noise echoed in Haruna's ears and she began to feel tears forming in her eyes. There was so much emotion storming inside of her that she didn't understand it. So many questions and no answers and now haunting guilt and pain were being piled on top of it. Nothing seemed to make sense. However, there was one thing Haruna was sure of. One absolute truth she believed. "It really was... all my fault..."
Friendship is defined in many ways, and to many degrees. Sometimes people have only known each other for a couple of years, but it's felt like a lifetime. And for others, it's the opposite, knowing someone their whole life but not really being friends. For Haruna, it was somewhere in between. When she was younger, she had thought her and Kanako were close, but she had noticed gaps. There were times when she felt like she knew hardly anything about Kanako, and as time went on, that feeling only got worse, creating a chasm of distance between them.
*****
That Monday, Haruna didn't go to school. She felt like she couldn't. Somehow, she had managed to convince her mother to let her stay home, but the same tactic didn't seem to work on Chiyo, who had texted Haruna wondering where she was at. Message after message came, annoying Haruna so much that she nearly threw her phone. However, instead of taking such an aggressive action, she went with something she hadn't even expected herself to do. Sending Chiyo a text, Haruna set her phone down. Seconds later, there was a vibration.
From: Chiyo Wakabayashi
You want 2 talk about smthg important? Sure! Hb we meet up at the café near school?"
Haruna replied that she agreed, then stared at Chiyo's text. "She's lucky I can understand all of that," Haruna thought. "Maybe she's using so much short-hand because she's in class?" The vision of Chiyo getting her phone taken away made Haruna laugh. It was something that she had witnessed happen a couple of times, and every time it was a big scene, with Chiyo desperately trying to keep her cell phone, but to no avail.
Several hours later, Haruna eventually got up off the floor and made herself lunch. Sitting in her kitchen eating by herself, a feeling of dread continued to build. "Damn it. Why am I getting so nervous?" she wondered. The past of course wasn't an easy topic for Haruna. In fact, thinking about it, Haruna realized she had never really told Chiyo much about her past. Most of that had to do with Kanako being a part of most of Haruna's old memories and she had never wanted to talk about that girl if she didn't have to.
But now, things were different. Even though Haruna hadn't wanted it, Kanako had become a regular part of her life again, which meant the lock that had kept the past sealed away had been broken. There was no longer any good reason to avoid facing one of her worst moments. Sure, it was filled with guilt and shame, but that wasn't enough to continue keeping it a secret.
Slowly, the minutes turned into hours passed, and eventually, it was time for Haruna to meet up with Chiyo. Throwing on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that was passable by public standards, Haruna headed out toward the place Chiyo had suggested.
When she got there, she was surprised to see Jasmine there as well. "Heya Haru-chi!" Chiyo called gleefully. "Hey," Jasmine said with a wave. Haruna waved back, then walked over to the booth they were sitting at. "I hope it's okay I brought Jas-chin along," Chiyo said. "Yeah, it's fine. She already knows about my deal with Miyashita-kun, so she might as well know about this," Haruna said. "So what was so important that you skipped school over?" Jasmine asked.
"Well... it's about what happened between Kanako and I."
Day of the Fight, Four Years Ago.
Haruna woke up in a particularly bad mood. It was something that had been happening frequently too. It wasn't unusual for a middle school girl to have mood swings, but this was different. If anything, you could say it had been one big, progressive swing. Over the course of the last year or so, Haruna had noticed her mood continually getting worse. Maybe it was simply her outlook on life souring, or perhaps school wasn't going well. But, even if those options did play a role, there was one specific example that Haruna felt was truly to blame.
Kanako Nakatomi.
It was the girl she had known most of her life. They had played together a lot over the years and had become pretty close friends. At least, that's what Haruna had thought. However, recently, it had seemed to her like a distance had been forming between them, and no matter what Haruna did, nothing made it any better. "Am I just imagining things?" she wondered as she got ready for the day.
As the routine always went, Haruna got dressed, went downstairs and then had breakfast. It was after that that she'd leave the house and wait outside for the girl next door. Usually she ran a little late, but Haruna didn't mind. Honestly, she just enjoyed being able to walk to school with her best friend. Even with the unease that had been building within her, Haruna hoped that if she gave it enough time, it would pass and she could go back to being happy with Kanako.
"I'm sorrrryyyy!" the girl cried as she ran out the door. Haruna smiled. "It's okay," she said. "Let's just hurry." So the two of them rushed to school, with Haruna pulling Kanako along. This scene essentially summed up how nearly every school day had gone for them ever since they had to walk themselves there. Eventually, Haruna and Kanako made it just barely on time (and with only one stop along the way to catch their breath).
"I'm so lucky we're friends Haruna," Kanako said as they changed shoes. "Huh? That's random," Haruna said. "Well, it's just that without you, I get the feeling I'd be late all the time," Kanako said with a weak smile. "Sure, whatever," Haruna said, not really knowing how else to respond.
In their final year of middle school, the two girls had been lucky enough to be placed in the same class. But fortune only goes so far, so while they were in the same room, they were on completely opposite sides. Haruna was on the side wall near the doors, and Kanako was next to the windows. When they both walked in, they split off for their seats. Here though, was where Haruna had begun to notice that things had changed.
For so long, it had been that they'd walk to and from school, along with eating lunch together. Sometimes, the boy they both grew up with, Akio Miyashita, would join them as well. It wasn't often, mostly because as of late Haruna had begun to tell Akio to stay away from her when there were lots of people around because she didn't want to deal with rumors that they might be a couple. However, even though she said stuff like that, Haruna had noticed that she kept getting a feeling she didn't understand when she was with Akio, especially when it was just the two of them.
But now, with Akio in a different class and making some new friends, neither Haruna nor Kanako had seen much of him recently. That should've meant it'd just be the two girls for lunch, but that had changed too. Not too long into the school year, Kanako had started talking with a couple of other girls in class. Soon enough, that had led to Kanako being invited to eat with them. At first, Haruna joined them (mostly upon Kanako's insistence), but after a few times, she stopped. It didn't take an expert to see that Haruna made those girls uncomfortable for some reason.
While the ones Kanako talked to were cheerful and loud, Haruna was mostly the opposite. It wasn't that she had some terrible personality, but she also understood that trying to be friends with someone like her took time and she could be labelled as an "acquired taste." That was how Kanako had described Haruna to her once anyways. Regardless, it was clear the personalities wouldn't mesh well, so Haruna gave up. It didn't bother her too much. After all, it's not like everyone was alone in class. It was only natural to make new friends. As long as Haruna got to spend time with Kanako, it was fine.
But it didn't stay that way.
Quickly, but also little by little, Kanako began to drift away and out of Haruna's reach. She'd offer to go out and Kanako would say she was going out with her other friends. Haruna would see if Kanako wanted to spend the night, but she was doing that somewhere else. Perhaps a certain amount of these instances could be chalked up to mere coincidence or just poor timing, but the frequency in which it was happening made Haruna doubt that. It almost felt like the universe itself was trying to pull Kanako away from her.
Most people possess some level of self-awareness of their own faults, and Haruna was no different. She knew that she could be a little bossy and controlling and maybe she was a little meaner than she meant to be, but those had all been things that Kanako had accepted. Once, when Haruna brought it up, Kanako had simply nodded in understanding and said, "It's okay. It's just who you are."
To find that level of acceptance from a person was rare, especially from someone who was still a child. So maybe that was why Haruna felt like she wanted to keep that all to herself. To have that place of belonging within another that not many find. But Haruna understood that that was impossible. You can't keep one person to yourself and yourself alone. People meet other people. Things change. And yet...
"I don't like it..." Haruna thought as she stared at Kanako talking to her new friends. "Why does she have to talk to them? Couldn't she just talk to me over here? What's so great about them anyways?" Seeing Kanako enjoying herself so much made Haruna grit her teeth together in disgust. "What the hell... What makes them so much better than me?"
All of those questions and more had been plaguing Haruna for some time, and it felt like the more she saw moments like this, the longer that list of questions got and the more her anger grew. It felt like something inside her was bubbling up and each day brought it closer to erupting.
Class passed and Haruna ended up spending more time thinking about her problems than taking notes. When the bell rang to signal it was lunch, Kanako came over to Haruna. Briefly excited, Haruna grabbed her box, only to be let down again. "I'm going to eat with them again," Kanako said. "You're still welcome to join us." "No thanks," Haruna said coldly. "O-Oh... okay. Well, I guess I'll talk to you after school then..."
As Kanako walked away, Haruna stared at the people she was going to meet. Rather, it was more accurate to say that she was glaring at them. "Seriously, what's so great about them?" Haruna spat. The comment she had made had been hardly more than a whisper, but somehow, someone had heard her. It was a girl that Kanako had become friends with recently. Her glance had turned toward Haruna. "Am I seeing things?" Haruna began to wonder. "Or is she smirking at me?"
The whole situation was beginning to make whatever it was building in Haruna boil. She couldn't stand it. Not only was Kanako choosing to spend more time with those girls, but now one of them was mocking her? "Who the hell does she think she is?" The more she thought about it, the madder Haruna got. This had become the vicious cycle that Haruna had created for herself, with it getting worse each passing day.
Once the end of the day came around, Kanako said her goodbyes to the other girls and walked over to Haruna. She was beaming. "Gross..." Haruna thought. "Ready to go?" Kanako asked. "Of course I'm ready, slowpoke." Haruna said in a harsher than usual tone. "Slowpoke? It's only been a couple of minutes," Kanako pointed out, but Haruna ignored her and began walking away. "Hey, wait for me!" Kanako called.
The two of them walked through the halls toward the exit, the only sounds around them being other people talking as they passed. Switching out their shoes in silence, the two girls headed out the doors and started on their way home. A little ways in, Kanako decided to spark a conversation.
"...Did something happen today?" Kanako asked. "You seem like you're in a bad mood." "No, nothing happened. I just don't like today, that's all," Haruna said sharply. "What's so bad about today?" Kanako asked. "I just don't like it alright?!" Haruna said with a raised voice, surprising Kanako. "O-Okay," she said quietly. "Damn it... that's not what I should've said..." Haruna thought. She knew she needed to say something to Kanako about how she was feeling, but for some reason it always turned into mean comments. It was a problem Haruna had been dealing with for a while. "I've known Kanako for forever. It shouldn't be this hard to tell her that I don't like it when she hangs out with other people."
Haruna's thoughts stopped. "Wait. Isn't that something a boyfriend or girlfriend would say?" It was definitely an odd thing to think for a friend. Then again, Kanako was really the only friend Haruna had outside of Akio. It made sense that she'd be a little more possessive than most. Still though, it wasn't like that was something she could just say. It would sound so weird to Kanako. "Then again, maybe it would be fine," Haruna thought.
But before Haruna could get her courage up to say anything, Kanako switched the subject. "So today, Iro-chan said the weirdest thing. She told us that one time, in elementary school, she bit her tongue when she was giving an introduction. She had been super embarrassed, but it actually helped to make her more popular according to her. Isn't that weird?" "Sure," Haruna replied curtly. She could feel her fists clenching and her teeth squeezing tighter together.
"Oh, and then, Aoi-chan said that when she first moved to her elementary school, she accidentally spelled her own name wrong, so she got called something else for a whole year! I really think that would be kinda sad, for no one to get your name right," Kanako said. "Huh," Haruna said, trying not to pay attention "And then-" Kanako kept going, telling story after story. It was something that Haruna had endured for months, but now, finally, she felt like she had reached the end of her rope.
"I've had enough."
"...Just shut up already," Haruna muttered, stopping dead in her tracks. "...What?" Kanako said, stopping a few steps ahead of her and turning around. "D-Did I say something to upset-" "I told you to shut up!" Haruna yelled. "H-Haruna, what's going on? Why are you so angry all of a sudden?" Kanako asked, worried. "It's your fault," Haruna said darkly. "H-Huh? What's my fault?" Kanako said, taking a step back. "You just keep going on and on about those girls. Iro-chan this, Aoi-chan that, blah, blah, blah." Haruna looked right into Kanako's eyes and gave her a look Kanako wouldn't soon forget. "I'm sick of it."
Kanako was speechless. "I, uh, u-um..." she stuttered, but nothing complete would come. Haruna continued over her. "If you enjoy them so much, then maybe you should just be with them instead! That's what you want, isn't it?! I'm just yesterday's news aren't I?!" Haruna's voice got louder and louder, attracting the attention of some passerbys. "H-Haruna, what are you talking about? Of course I want to spend time with you too. I can do both," Kanako said, trying to remedy the situation.
"Liar."
The point of no return had been reached.
"...Excuse me?" Kanako said, now beginning to feel angry as well. "You heard me. I know you're just saying that. Then, you'll just turn around and run off with your new friends. So go ahead. Leave me behind and go have fun with those idiots," Haruna said. "I don't know where this is coming from, but I won't let you insult my other friends like that!" Kanako said loudly. "Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it?" Haruna taunted. "I-" Kanako started, but stopped and took a breath. "Look, I don't know why you're so mad, but I want to make one thing clear. I'm not leaving you behind. Isn't it natural for us to meet more people over time and gain more friendships?"
When Kanako said that, it struck a nerve in Haruna. That point was something she understood, but it was one of those things that even though she understood it, she hated it. It wasn't as if Haruna was opposed to change, but somehow, she had come under the impression that this particular aspect of her life would remain the same. That while where Haruna lived, what she did for a career or something as simple as her likes and dislikes would change, her relationship with Kanako would stay the way it was. It would be the one consistency Haruna's life.
But now, it felt like it was all being taken away. With the way their friendship was, Haruna leading and Kanako following, there had been something that Haruna had never really noticed. Not until this moment.
Her world relied on Kanako more than she had ever realized. And now, it was all coming crashing down around her. Of course, it didn't have to be this way. Haruna could try to adapt and get along with Kanako's new friends. They could all hang out and do plenty of fun things together. However, for some reason, that was just something Haruna couldn't seem to get behind. She hated the idea.
As the walls of her world crumbled and Kanako walked out, Haruna decided to speed up the process and take a sledge hammer to the walls. She'd tear them all down and then build up newer and stronger ones. Ones that were designed to keep people out instead of in.
"You are leaving me behind," Haruna mumbled. "I'm not!" Kanako argued "You are! YOU'RE ABANDONING ME!" Haruna screamed. Kanako's eyes went wide and she was too shocked to say anything. "But you know what?" Haruna continued. "I've decided that I don't need you anymore. So have fun with your stupid little friends and don't come crawling back to me when they leave you. And I hope they do, so you know how it feels."
"So yeah, we're done. See you never loser," Haruna finished and then walked away, leaving a stunned Kanako standing stiff on the sidewalk.
The next day would contain a lot of drama. Kanako would go on to tell Akio about what had happened and how she didn't understand why. Akio would then confront Haruna, which would lead to another argument, albeit a smaller and calmer one. Then, over the course of the next month or two, Kanako would try to rekindle her friendship with Haruna, but to no avail.
Present
"And that's what happened," Haruna concluded, taking a sip of the drink she had ordered. Chiyo and Jasmine stared at her, unsure of what to say. "...It's all my fault. All because of my stupid pride or whatever..." Haruna said. "Yeah, probably," Jasmine agreed. "That was pretty terrible of you Haru-chi," Chiyo said. "I know, but... it was how I felt at the time. Hell, I still feel that way. But now... God, I don't know. It just feels like if I'm going to get anywhere I need to figure this crap out," Haruna said with a sigh.
"...Okay, I think I've got it," Chiyo said as she sat her cup down. Jasmine and Haruna looked at her. "Haru-chi. The feelings you had back then were perfectly justified," Chiyo said. "What?" Jasmine said, surprised. "Hear me out. You can't really help what you feel. Sometimes stuff just spills out of us and we can't stop it. It's like, a broken dam, y'know? But, Haru-chi, don't you think you did the exact same thing to Kana-chan?" "What are you talking about?" Haruna asked. "I'm saying that you basically abandoned her too by saying you didn't need her anymore, so hasn't your wish for her to feel the same pain you did already been fulfilled?"
Haruna stared at Chiyo, her eyes getting a little wide at the point being made to her. "I... abandoned Kanako?" she repeated. "I'm just, like, saying it could be viewed that way," Chiyo said. "But still..." Haruna said softly. "She abandoned me too..." Jasmine was the next to speak. "Let's say that's true Haru-chi. Maybe Kana-chan really did leave you behind all those years ago. But, even if she did, she's here now isn't she? She's trying her best to reconnect. Isn't that enough?"
In that moment, it was like a puzzle piece had fallen into place for Haruna. "She's... here..." Haruna said. "Exactly Haru-chi. Kana-chan's right there. She came back," Chiyo said. A rush of clarity was running through Haruna's mind. The weight of confusion she had been carrying felt like it had been lifted. The past for Haruna was no longer murky. However, while her past was seemingly resolved, it was her present that still felt complicated.
"S-So, t-then...u-um," Haruna stuttered, her face turning red. "What is it?" Jasmine asked. "W-Well, it's just... w-what am I supposed to do... with these weird feelings I keep getting?" Chiyo perked up. "Oh?" she cooed, leaning in a little closer. "Details girl!" Haruna's face got redder. "So, um, w-when I'm near Kanako, m-my heart starts racing. Like when we went on that date. Or the time we were studying in the library. Even the other day when we were coming back from Sapporo."
"Mhm. Go on," Chiyo said, giddy with excitement. "I-I thought that I only got those types of feelings when I was around Miyashita-kun, but now I don't know. Like, when we rode together for the competition, I thought I'd be in trouble, but I didn't feel anything. I just don't understand anymore..." Haruna said, looking unusually shy.
"What a pure maiden thing to say," Jasmine said. "H-Hey! I'm already feeling vulnerable enough as it is right now! You don't need to make it worse, jerk!" Haruna yelled. "Sorry, sorry," Jasmine said with a slight smile. Meanwhile, Chiyo looked like she was ready to burst. "If you want to say something, then say it," Haruna said, getting annoyed. "Well, like, I totally do, but I also don't wanna, y'know? Like, I wanna see if you can figure it out!" Chiyo said excitedly.
Haruna looked down at the table. "I honestly don't even get this at all," she said. "I don't understand how it took me so long to figure out how I felt about Miyashita-kun and then those feelings disappeared so quickly. I don't understand why I feel more at ease around Kanako than anyone else. And, I especially don't understand what my heart is trying to tell me."
Nothing felt like it made sense, even if it wasn't as confusing as before. Sure, Haruna had faced her past and gotten a much-needed explanation, but all that did was remove a future roadblock in Haruna's mind. At the present, the road ahead looked like a tangled mess, and yet it also felt like a singular answer could undo it all.
"Should I tell her?" Chiyo asked Jasmine. "Well, you had to last time, so you probably will have to this time too," Jasmine said. "Tell me what?" Haruna asked. Chiyo looked at her, beaming. "Haru-chi..."
"...you're in love, aren't you?"
End of Chapter Five.