***** THIS CONTINUES ON FROM THE END OF CHAPTER FOUR OF THE ACTUAL NOVEL AND WILL MOSTLY FILL IN GAPS FROM THE ORIGINAL STORY BUT ANY EVENTS WILL BE REFERRED TO IN ORDER TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO PLACE THE EVENTS WITHIN THE TIMELINE OF THE ORIGINAL STORY ****
After the events in District 11 I feel broken beyond repair. I fret every waking hour with my nightmare filled dreams not supplying any relief. Cinna begins making alterations to my clothes since they now hang so loosely from my skeletal frame they're beginning to look untidy - something Effie simply won't stand for. If she's been given the task of trailing her victors around the districts for a show, she's going to put on a show. Even the pills Effie gives me to help me sleep, to try and fix her broken victor, can't work their magic. But Peeta can.
The first night he heard my terrorised screams from his room he came running. He sat with me cradled in his arms, stroking my hair and rocking me until I came back to reality. My mother and Prim had tried this after the Games but it never seemed to work - I would always continue to thrash, scratch and sometimes even bite them. No matter how hard they tried, how much of their love they poured into me, they couldn't pull me from my nightmares. They couldn't stop the screaming. And when I did come to my senses, having them sat there in front of me only added to my confusion because my nightmares told me they'd been captured by the Capitol and killed. Or eaten by the tribute mutts. Or had their throats slit by one of Clove's knives. Or sometimes, on the really bad nights, Snow himself would make his way into my nightmares - his snake-like eyes and puffy lips would creep out of the darkness and his laughter would bellow in my ears as he pulled out a knife and plunged into into the hearts of everyone I loved before pointing the blade to me to finally put me out of my misery.
Seeing Prim's face all scrunched up with concern for me, my mothers wobbly smile trying to conceal the glistening in her eyes as she tentatively placed a hand on my shoulder - reaching out so hesitantly as if she were actually afraid of me. It almost always made me wish I had never woken from my nightmare. Almost.
But when I woke up to Peeta my body filled with nothing but relief. He felt like home. I don't know if it was those nights in the cave, clutching to each other for dear life, thats made me feel such an intense safety when I'm with him. It's probably not, more likely, its his constant selfless need to protect me even when it hurts him. I know he can hardly bare to see me wake from my nightmares but, unlike my mother, his watery eyes and tired smile don't reek of pity and loss. Instead, they remind me that I'm not alone. Which is selfish in all kinds of ways only I seem to be capable of but I can't help but feel glad that I have Peeta to understand me. To hold me until I feel safe again. And it's not like I don't do it for him, don't get me wrong, I certainly don't hold him until he fights off his nightmares but thats only because, much like everything about him, all of his turmoil is so internal. Its like its in the very core of his being not to ever bother another soul. I can always tell when he's had a nightmare though and I do my best to comfort him by simply letting him love me. It seems to be all he really wants. I'll wake up to his body so intensely pressed into mine I think he might be trying to fuse us together, or sometimes his face will be buried in the locks of my hair that are strewn across the pillow. Or, and this is my favourite way to wake up, he'll have delicately interlocked his fingers into mine as if anchoring himself to me even as we dream. I say that this helps him with his nightmares, but honestly it helps me with mine too. They seem to be held at bay more often when Peeta is near, as if they can sense that I have the cure nearby and they'd be wasting their time coming to torment me tonight. So I let him stay in my bed every night. In fact, I beg him to stay.
Effie confronts me about this one morning at breakfast.
"You know Katniss, yours and Peeta's..." she trails off thinking of the most coy way of phrasing it "...nighttime...antics are becoming somewhat of a subject of conversation among the Capitol attendees on this train."
I consider it for a moment. Then decide I don't have reason to be concerned about this kind of gossip. Let it spread, tell President Snow for all I care. Maybe then he'll believe the story of the star-crossed lovers. Plus, I know nothing is really going on. Nothing as juicy as what the Capitol attendees think is happening behind closed doors.
"Oh really" I decide to act almost surprised, as if this shouldn't be a shock to the Capitol attendees "Well, I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable Effie. What exactly would you like me to do about it?" I'm being too harsh, I know I am. Purposefully making Effie uncomfortable in this way yet I just can't seem to shake the sarcasm from my voice.
"Perhaps, just..." she's squirming in her seat, trying to busy her hands by spreading jam on her toast, "try to keep yours and Peeta's relationship...under your hats, so to speak." theres an awkward silence before "Peeta! My dear boy, come here, sit, eat!". Peeta walks over to the table and lands a kiss on the top of my head before taking the seat next to me.
"Morning, Effie. How are you today?" He flashes her that sweet smile that comes so naturally to him, probably because his friendliness is actually genuine. He really does want to know how Effie is doing today.
"Very well, my boy. Katniss and I were just..." Effie doesn't seem to have the nerve to actually have this conversation despite being the one to instigate it twice now.
"Effie was just filling me in on the gossip currently consuming the Capitol attendees free time at the moment" the spitefulness I was trying to hard to push away resurfaces at full force and I'm determined to subject Effie to the conversation she started. I'm not sure why it makes me so angry that Effie is uncomfortable with Peeta sleeping in my bed every night. Perhaps its got something to do with her, along with every Capitol citizen, being happy to send us into the Hunger Games to kill each other but act as though its too adult for us to pursue romantic relationships. Whatever it is, Effie isn't escaping from this one.
Peeta looks from me to Effie and back again, slightly intrigued and very confused, "Oh really, whats the gossip then?"
Me and Effie make eye contact, both seeming to be glaring more than anything, mine much more ill-intentioned than hers I'm sure. All Effie really cares about is the Victory Tour going well and deep down I know that, but her bold attempt to try and interfere with how I make it through the night, at the breakfast table of all places, has crossed some invisible line that I didn't even know existed until she crossed it.
"Good Morning Victors, and the most darling Captiol citizen I've ever met, Miss Effie Trinket, of course!" Haymitch stumbles into the dining carriage, clearly a night of self-medicating has taken place in his bedroom. I wonder why that isn't the topic of such controversy. "Why all the long faces?"
"Umm, the ladies here were just about to share some apparent gossip thats making its way around the Capitol attendees but, uh..." Peeta sounds truly helpless as if he's lost his footing on the conversation entirely and I realise this fight I've started with Effie involves more than just me and her and after all Peeta has done for me, he simply doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of my rage this morning. But before I can frantically try and wrap the whole situation up Haymitch has already caught on and within seconds made the whole thing infinitely worse.
"Ohhh about you two -" he waggles his finger at me and Peeta, clearly holding back a snigger "-"-doing the nasty ay" Peeta chokes on the large mouthful of orange juice he's just begun to drink, spluttering it across the table and sending Effie into a frenzy when she realises some of it has landed on her white dress. I simply glare across the table at Haymitch as he holds a glass full of liquor up to me, as if making a toast, and knocks it back in one gulp, proud of the chaos he's caused.
After Peeta has successfully got his airways under control again and Effie has received some kind of cleaning agent from one of the Avox's in the next carriage we settle back at the table. I still haven't moved an inch and I must say Haymitch is holding up well under my stare but, being inebriated will do that I suppose.
"Well uhhh, thats um, not really the case so-" Effie cuts Peeta off as he stumbles over his words, clearly embarrassed.
"Now, now. No need for details Peeta. I simply wanted to speak to you both and ask for your discretion. The last thing we need to go wrong on this tour is for the districts to think that the two of you don't take this seriously." With that I see the stupidity in the whole thing. The cold look I've been wearing falters as I remember the man who was shot in front of my eyes in District 11. Haymitch sees it for he hasn't broken his gaze on me much like I haven't broken my gaze on him. Sympathy creeps onto his face in the downwards turn of the corners of his mouth and the retraction of the hazy look in his eyes. The liquor can only work its magic for so long.
"Yeah, thats the last thing we want." Haymitch puts his empty glass down in defeat and takes the seat across from me.
We eat in silence. Effie seems pleased with herself for winning the small battle she set out to win when she started the conversation with me first thing. Peeta gently places his hand on my knee under the table and it brings me comfort to have proof that he's near. The weight of his hand, the warmth from his skin, all confirming to my senses that I'm not alone. For a moment I feel almost content at the thought that this uneasy feeling won't last forever until I catch Haymitch's eye and the despair written on his face transfers to mine as I remember that we're never getting off this train.