雪上加霜
Xuě shàng jiā shuāng
Snow and then frost.
One disaster after another.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I regretted agreeing to leave the cabin so easily immediately. The sun was setting, and the air was bitingly cold. It nibbled against the skin of my cheeks the second we stepped outside the cabin.
Zakhar draped the bear skin he had grabbed from the kang around my shoulders, then stuck out an arm for me to lean on.
I took it. Zakhar's arm was warm, even through the thick layers of his clothing. No doubt from the exertion of his bout with Kageyama.
Silly man, trying to fight a kitsune.
I saw a red bump swelling on Zakhar's forehead. I wondered if he had done it to himself, when he slammed his head into Kageyama's, or if it was from when Kageyama had pushed his head into the floor.
"How is your head?" I asked, as Zakhar helped me limp down the steps and through the snow with mincing steps.
"Fine," Zakhar mumbled, and looked away.
What is wrong with him?
Zakhar and I stopped before a wide pine tree about a hundred lengths from the cabin. The branches were thick, and less snow had fallen here.
I sat down, back against the trunk. I wrapped the furs closer about me, to keep me warm.
"Tie me," I commanded.
Zakhar bent to do the task, but before he could, he had to untie the knots he had made in the woven hemp rope to bind Kageyama.
We both stared at the rope, the silence between us strained as we watched Zakhar's trembling fingers fumble to undo the knots. It would have been a challenge anyway, with his thick fingers, but Zakhar's hands were shaking so badly on top of that, it became a near impossible task.
I reached out and lay a gentle hand on his wrist. "Zakhar. Let me."
Zakhar passed me the rope and sat back in the snow. His broad shoulders slumped . His eyes stared at his hands, unseeing. He looked defeated.
He would bear this for you, if he could, said a voice in my head that did not sound like my own. It is a gift to have someone who cares for you so.
The voice was right. I knew Zakhar cared for me, too much. Instinctively, I felt the need to chase him away.
What do you want to drive him away for? He already knows who you were, and he has not changed.
The voice was so reasonable. It was definitely not my own. It sounded like something Lu would say.
But still. I should not let Zakhar get too close. For his own sake.
Ao, if you can be nothing else, be kind. Lu's words, for sure this time.
Perhaps I was near death, and that was why I kept hearing a dead man's voice echoing in my head.
Lu always said kindness was a strength, and I had always virulently disagreed. Kindness was a weakness, or something we did to get something in return.
But Zakhar had showed me much kindness, even after I had told him he would get nothing for it.
The rough woven rope at last untangled in my hands. I wound it into a coil, using my palm and elbow as a spool. Then I removed the rope from my arm and set it down in the snow.
"Zakhar," I said softly, reaching out to take one of his limp hands. I squeezed it, my palm cold against his warm one. "I have survived worse things than this. I will survive this too."
Zakhar looked up at me, and dimly nodded, dazed. I wondered if it was the head injury.
Hands still shaking, Zakhar took the rope and looped it around me and the tree I leaned against, securing me loosely.
Then he stood, and stared down at the snow near my feet.
"Zakhar, could you do me a favor?" I said, breaking him from his trance. "Could you make a fire? It will keep away the animals as well as the cold."
Zakhar nodded, and started to walk to the cabin. Then he turned and marched back.
"Ao, I'm sorry-" he started.
"You will be, if you don't get that fire started soon," I said, half joking.
Zakhar gave a weak smile, and turned to fetch wood.
*~*~*~*~*~*
I sat tied in the snow, my back to the tree, and watched the sun set in the west.
From where I sat I could not see much. Just the black line of a mountain ridge before the illuminated horizon. The view was broken up by the trunks and hanging boughs of the fir trees.
It was clear after the snow from the night before. The sky glowed a bright pink, that illuminated the snow, the cabin, even the dark colors of the fir boughs arching around me.
The cold smells, of sap and snow and fast approaching night, filled my nostrils. The icy air burned at my lungs, and my eyes watered.
I heard a crunch in the snow and turned.
It was not Zakhar but Kageyama who came toward me, boots sinking into the snow. He was dressed warmly, a thick fur cape of rabbit and mink thrown about his wool clothes. He carried his sword in one hand and two bottles in the other.
Kageyama set down the items he was carrying and reached out to check the ropes tying me to the tree.
"I knew he wouldn't tie you tight enough," he grumbled, tightening the knots.
A sly smile spread over my face. "I knew it. You are the sort of man who enjoys tying women with ropes."
"That joke was old the first time you told it," said Kageyama, not looking up.
"I won't judge you Lord Kageyama. I know that for many, true pleasure comes from control. Or from being controlled," I purred.
"These could be your last hours. Do you really want to waste them on saucy banter?"
"I can't think of a better way to waste them."
Kageyama tugged at the ropes. Satisfied they were tight enough, he sat back. "You are so like Sanli sometimes."
More crunching reached us and Zakhar appeared through the trunks of the trees, carrying an armload of firewood and a burning lantern.
"Thank you, Zakhar," I said, as the man began to set up the fire. He built up the big logs and pushed smaller sticks among them, along with dry leaves and pine needles.
Then he removed the lid from the lantern, and let a little oil tip onto the logs, before setting it all afire. When the flames reached the pine needles they crackled like firecrackers, echoing into the still night.
With the fire before me, and the fur around my back, I was near warm. The cusps of my ears were still cold, and I struggled to lift my hands around the ropes enough to untuck my hair from behind my ears so they were covered.
Zakhar saw, and untucked my hair for me, then tugged the furs about my shoulders up higher, to cover my neck and ears.
"Thank you Zakhar," I repeated.
The big man nodded. Speech seemed to have fled him for the time being.
"Zakhar, go to the cabin and stay with Sanli," Kageyama ordered in a voice that would not accept disagreement.
"I will stay with her."
"No," said Kageyama firmly, settling himself closer to the fire. He moved his sword to rest in the snow beside him. "I can not trust you to do what needs to be done, should the worst occur."
Zakhar glared down at Kageyama, and at the kitsune's blade.
"Zakhar," I said, then repeated his name till his eyes met mine. "I would rather meet my end here then become one of Hei's mangled pets."
Zakhar swallowed and nodded.
"Go to the cabin and stay with Sanli," I said gently. "I will feel better knowing you are there. Please, will you do that for me?"
With a final nod, and a glance at Kageyama's sword, Zakhar turned. His steps crunched heavily in the snow as he walked back to the cabin.
The pink was just a faint band in the west, and the sky was navy, so deep and rich I felt if my arms were not bound I could reach up and sink my hands into it. Stars, glimmering like coins in a fountain, started to appear, sharp in the cold air.
It was beautiful.
Kageyama had placed one of the bottles, a long necked white porcelain thing, near to the fire to heat. Now he took the bottle, uncorked it, and poured its contents into a shallow wine dish he pulled from a pocket.
"We found wine in the cabin," he explained, seeing me watching him. "Nothing miraculous, but it is better than no wine at all."
To my surprise, Kageyama leaned to hold the wine dish to my lips. I drank.
After he had tipped the dish and I had drained the contents with relish, he brought it away to fill it again. "Oh my," I said. "The Great Shadow General himself serving me wine. Tell me, Yama-no-kage, what have I done to deserve such an honor? Or do you treat all your captives this way?"
"You really are like Sanli. He acts the most foolish when embarrassed," said Kageyama. He held the dish to my mouth once more.
I drank, not savoring the taste but the warmth. It flowed down my throat, igniting my veins, staving off the cold. And the fear.
"Lord Nakamura implied you were someone of importance," I continued when Kageyama lowered the dish. "-but I had no idea you were the Great Shadow himself. Why do you keep your former status a secret? Men who keep secrets are not attractive at all."
Kageyama snorted. "I should think being considered unattractive by you great-good fortune."
I laughed at my own expense before I could stop.
A grin spread across Kageyama's face, but it quickly faded. "Thank you, for going after Sanli, and caring for him."
"Of course," I replied.
Kageyama held the dish to my lips a third time and I drank. My head buzzed, but my mood turned sober.
"Sanli spoke to me of his past, when we were in that cave."
Kageyama frowned, setting down the wine dish. "And what did he say?"
"He told me how the other servant children would torment him, when he first came to the valley. And how his mother died. Why did you do nothing to stop it?"
Kageyama looked away.
"It was not my duty to protect him then. He was not adopted into the family until after his mother died."
For the first time, I saw shame in the proud man's face, heard regret in his voice.
Kageyama stared into the fire. "He probably hates me, for not stepping in sooner. I knew what was happening, but I did nothing to prevent it. He was not my responsibility. Just another bastard boy in the valley."
"And now, you are determined to make it up to him," I said, reading the resolution on his face.
Kageyama picked up the wine and poured again. "My oath to Lu ended when Sanli was thirteen. But by then I had already sworn another oath, to Sanli, and to myself. I will keep him safe, no matter what comes. No matter what I have to protect him from," Kageyama said, voice firm. I sensed the last part was said for me.
I suddenly felt inexplicably sad. Kageyama loved the little prince, very much, that was clear. It would be hard for the kitsune, when...
"And how will you protect him from his own mortality?" I asked. "He is human. You will outlive him."
A needless statement. It was a fear every long lived creature faced, when caring for something that would die before them.
For long in the Inner Empire, relationships between humans and mu'ren, or even between different species of mu'ren, had been heavily discouraged, or even forbidden. Indeed, in Wa, Kageyama's country, and many other lands across the wide world, it still was formally outlawed.
Politicians and historians would tell you that such relationships were forbidden to maintain a balance of power, or to control one population against another.
But I wondered if it wasn't, just a little, to protect those who were long-lived from the pain of living your life without someone you had come to love very much.
My words affected Kageyama. I could tell his thoughts ran along the lines of my own.
"I know that," the man said abruptly, staring into the fire. "I know Sanli will not be here forever. But..." He flexed a hand. "Sanli is a sunny day. You know that it will pass. But do you stay inside and ignore it? No, you go out, and enjoy it all the same."
I smiled. "I prefer rain. But I understand your meaning—"
I caught my breath. A splinter of pain had shot through my legs, as though they were being bent from the inside.
I had hoped that Yan's seals would negate Hei's vile magic before it had a chance to work. It seemed that was not to be the case.
The pain came again, and I flinched.
Kageyama saw my flinch. He filled the wine dish and held it to my lips, and I drank a fourth time.
"Do not let Zakhar see, whatever becomes of me," I asked the kitsune, my voice a whisper.
Kageyama's dark eyes met mine. "Of course."
I bit my lip as the pain came again. And again. Kageyama reached for the other bottle he had carried out with him, this one smaller and pale blue.
My look was my question. "A draught of sheep's foil," Kageyama explained. "The same one I gave Sanli. It is strong. It will help you sleep through some of the pain. Not much though, I'm afraid."
I shook my head. "If this is to be my end, I want to meet it with my eyes open." I leaned back against the tree. "But I will take more of that wine."
Kageyama chuckled, and poured me my fifth dish of the hot wine.
My words were brave, foolish. Soon after my bravery fled, in the face of the pain that came. And then even I, who had survived so much, begged Kageyama for the sheep's foil, for a respite from the pain. For any release at all, even death.
*~*~*~*~*~*
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