How are you supposed to remember someone's voice when you barely remember their face? How are you supposed to let yourself remember them at all when all you can think of is the pain they caused you?
The pain you caused them?
It becomes somewhat of a paradox.
You let yourself think it's okay to forget, because they've probably forgotten you.
You fall into the graces of ignorance and let what you've let go become part of a blurred past.
Todoroki believed in that for over ten years of his life.
He woke up in the mornings, washing his face only to look up into a mirror where he couldn't bear to see half his reflection:
The redness that crept from his hair down and around the blue of his eye...
He forgot his mother.
He chose to forget all about her.
But in that singular moment- in the fight with someone he was supposed to not care about, someone he was supposed to cast aside in order to win, he remembered.
And he didn't remember pain.
He remembered his mother's warmth.
Her voice, her face, her touch, her everything.
He remembered her fire.
Purely lost in himself, as the cold so keen on overtaking his muscles began to melt, he breathed through his teeth in shuttered sounds, his body shaking.
He held onto her words.
Used her fire for his own. Then, his eye, the one that shown blue in lineage he wished wasn't true- it's redness made way to his flames.
And as the world wondered what would happen next, Todoroki's quirk raged and angered through his body, begging to be let out.
When it was, the fire spread around him like an explosion, with power the likes of Bakugo's quirk could possess.
Everyone gasped, able to feel it, the red and yellows mixing and climbing the sky in a spiral.
Your classmates all had to sit back, cover their faces at the sudden heat spreading through the stands. All of them stared, their jaws dropping at the sight, even you.
You who was holding onto the boy at your side just to stay upright.
A smile crept to your lips.
One of the real ones Bakugo admired so much.
You smiled as a relieved sort of laugh left your lips, tears staining your cheeks.
"He wasn't trying to beat him." You said breathlessly, flexing your fingers around Bakugo's hold with a tremor. "He was-"
He was trying to save him.
That's what you wanted to say, looking down at Shoto;
who's flames were raging around his body, the look on his face not one of rage or anger or sorrow, but the same will to win that Bakugo and Midoriya held.
The pride in your heart kept the smile on your lips, kept the relief in your voice.
But you couldn't say the words.
You couldn't say anything.
The bittersweet feeling in your gut wouldn't let you.
It only held one attribute and it was the fact that Shoto would win.
He would go on and so would you.
So what if Izuku achieved what he'd tried and proved that Shoto's words were a result of his anger.
It wouldn't change the fact that Endeavor would finally achieve what he'd wanted.
It wouldn't change the fact that the wedge a decade in the making would finally be driven between you and his son.
"Stupid nerd." Bakugo mumbled under his breath, but when you looked over at him-
He was smiling too- even just the slightest bit, his mouth crooking upwards, a bit of his teeth showing below his lips.
And he was still holding you.
His thumb coursing over yours as if it wasn't even a voluntary action anymore.
You'd never seen him smile like this- if so maybe only once or twice before.
Even if it wasn't him down there, seeing someone work that hard for what they wanted somehow made him feel proud.
He wore that same smile in his room in what now felt like years ago, you thought.
When he bared his bruises to you, his weakness.
There you are. He said, as if glad to have the girl that always annoyed him so much back.
Never now more than before did you understand what he meant...
"Don't blame me for what happens next." Todoroki said, down on the platform, his body shining white and red with the totality of his quirk.
Midoriya smiled at him too, his pain forgotten, retreating with his shadow by Todoroki's light.
The two gave each other a look, one of respect rather than altercation.
The one Izuku had been waiting for.
Both readied themselves, Midoriya's power glowed throughout his body, in his single unbroken arm, in his legs, everywhere.
Todoroki motioned with his hands, feeling the wind morph around his flames, his ice, letting them dance together.
And when their powers met, the entire arena felt the impact of their strength.
Cementos tried to build up a barrier between the two from the concrete in the platform, but even that wasn't enough.
A collection of pure unstable energy was sent into the equivalent of an ice storm backed up by a wildfire.
That couldn't be contained by a few measly walls.
"Holy crap!"
"This is insane!"
"What's happening down there!?"
Your entire class had to shield themselves, the whooshing of the air waving their hair back as they covered their faces, holding onto each other to keep from being blown backwards.
Almost as soon as it started though, the air flow stopped- entirely- the rest of the arena still falling victim to the bellowing wind pressure.
"Wait, everyone calm down," Momo said in the front row, leaning forward over the railing, looking down at the stands of people still barely being kept in their seats, wondering, "Why did it only stop for us?"
A slight wincing noise from one of the middle rows, caused her along with most of the class to look back.
The only person on their feet was you, your hand outreached towards the arena, your arm shaking slightly.
You were using your quirk.
Redirecting the air-flow somehow, forcing it to make way. It looked incredibly difficult, slightly painful even given the range you were expanding.
The focus in your eyes, all your energy was focused on that singular action even as everyone focused on you.
When the wind from the explosion finally dissipated, you were breathless, nearly falling back into your chair, having to find support on the back of it, once you could let your quirk rest.
Down below it was hard to see anything.
So much steam and smoke surrounded the platform.
Until it cleared, everyone was silent, even the crowds.
Midoriya was the first to come back into view.
And when he did, he wasn't even close to the border.
He was against the wall, blown back by the blast.
Soon after he was seen, he fell, unconscious, too many of his bones broken to count.
Nothing was normal about that moment.
Class 1-A was aware.
But the strangest thing going on wasn't just Todoroki and Midoriya.
You were so caught up in the match, you didn't even realize you were still standing... still holding Bakugo's hand like a vice.
Quickly realizing everyone was staring at you and him, your eyes went wide. Both you and Bakugo let go of each other faster than thought possible, pushing each other away and turning to face away from one another, each trying to find something else to focus on and hide the redness creeping to your faces.
Thankfully for the both of you, there was still an undecided fight happening, one everyone was waiting to be decided.
Midnight was the first to see Shoto.
And when her whip rose, everyone knew.
"Todoroki wins!" She announced, a breathless, half clothed boy rising from the mess, still standing on the platform. "He advances to the third round!"
***
Everything felt silent when Shoto walked out of the arena.
Even as people were yelling around him, congratulating him.
All he cared to focus on was Midoriya being dragged out of the ring on a stretcher, each of his limbs burdened in black blue, his mouth loosely open, his eyes shut.
And for what?
He wanted to win, right?
But he wanted to be a hero more.
He wanted to make Shoto realize his anger was misplaced, his actions too.
For a second, as he stared, a light flashed and he swore he saw you on that stretcher.
Even if it was just a second, it shocked him back a few steps...
Eventually asked to leave, he walked out of the stadium, his feet feeling heavy, his body too.
Burdened with the decision on what to do, with thoughts he wasn't sure how to articulate.
I know what it's like to be hated by them too.
That's what Midoriya said.
Because he thought Todoroki hated you, that couldn't be further from the truth.
When he thought of you, he didn't think of hate.
He thought of innocence.
Innocent.
That one word repeating over and over, because that's how he always pictured you.
Just a little girl who was put through so much without ever even having the chance to deserve it.
You didn't know where to sleep at night, sometimes roaming from your room and sitting under the table in the hall because it was close to a window and you couldn't bear to sleep alone in the dark.
Eventually, Shoto asked his mother to move your bed into his room so you wouldn't wander any longer. So you wouldn't feel so lost you had to hide.
You shared a room ever since.
You didn't know how to use a fork either. He had to teach you.
He loved all those things about your innocence. It made him like he wasn't the only one who wasn't sure of so much...
But you also didn't understand what it meant when his father hit his mother.
You didn't know why you were asked to fight, so you just did.
Giving and receiving bruises didn't even faze you, not once.
You were just so innocent, and Shoto loved you for it, but Midoriya was wrong, he also hated it too.
Innocence and naivety are the same thing, one cannot not exist without the other.
Y/n. He thought, your name richochetting in his head with images of your youth. I don't know what to believe anymore... I don't know what to do...
Once he reached the corridor leading out of the stadium, the dark enveloped his figure. And when he looked up, he found exactly who he knew would be waiting for him.
"What's the matter?" Endeavor smirked, the smugness apparent on his breath, his flames waving with his pride. "Not gonna tell me to get lost?"
Todoroki sighed, not having enough energy left to so much as frown.
He resumed walking, unfazed.
"You need to learn to control your left side. It's dangerous to release so much energy like that, but I'm glad you're finally seeing reason. Now that you've abandoned your childish rebellion we can get to what's importan--
"I haven't abandoned anything." Shoto interrupted, halting in front of his father.
There was a distracted element now to the way he moved, the way he chose not to make eye-contact.
Perhaps not distraction then.
Just.
Carelessness.
"You're a fool to think my feelings could be so easily reversed. Instead, out there, for that one moment," He paused, looking down at his now bare arm, the one he'd promised never to use again, its fire flashing in his mind. "I forgot all about you."
Endeavor made a surprised sort of noise on his exhale, not exactly sure how to take in those words.
Shoto had always been defiant.
He'd always been passionate and hateful, but there was always something to him.
Even Shoto didn't understand his sudden coolness, this apathy.
Unfortunately, it didn't extinguish his doubts.
"She said yes, didn't she?" He asked, after a bit of silence, his father frowning down at him.
"What are you talking abou--"
"You met with y/n earlier, somehow after our matches started." Endeavor, already confused, didn't understand where any of this was coming from, so Shoto kept going, not even the slightest hint of an emotion crossing his face. "You've been pulling her aside and telling her to do things on your behalf for years. She didn't understand when she was a child, because it's all she ever knew, so I'm assuming today was no different."
Shoto remembered the look in your eyes when you'd crossed each other up in the stands.
You were so cold too, just as he was now.
A heavy breath left his chest.
Because even if he wasn't angry, he still knew.
"You told her to fight me." He said, his tone saddened. "and you told her to get me to use my power," He clenched the fist of his left hand, finishing with almost a whimper, "and you told her to lose."
Endeavor said nothing to that, his silence an affirmation of its own.
Shoto inhaled sharply.
A part of him actually hoped he was wrong. That just this once, you'd come through for him
When that hope came crashing down, the last thread connecting him to you felt cut clean.
His lower lip shook, all the memories he'd let come back to him in that fight still fresh with their own sort of suffering.
He didn't want to lose you.
He held onto the image of you needing a night light and sitting on his mother's lap with him like it was the only thing left in the world.
He held it with a grip like iron, but now it felt like his resolve was slipping, his hold threatening to break.
Biting down and steadying himself, Shoto looked back up at the man in front of him, the one who stood quietly because even he couldn't admit to his own wrongdoings.
A light flashed again and he swore he saw you standing at that man's side.
Shoto's rage awakened at the sight.
And suddenly it felt like he'd just let go.
"Maybe one day I will forgive you for what you did to me." He said, low voiced, trying not to feel the remnants of his father's fists clashing into his body. "but I will never forgive you for taking away the one true sibling I ever had, for making her into your own monster. Never." He had to breathe between his words, the truth in them so heavy on his lungs.
"I will fight her. I'll win too." He said, definitively, Endeavor still not knowing how to respond. "Whether that's the right thing to do, I'm not sure, but I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for myself. For mom. For the girl you ruined."
With that, he walked past his father, pushed past him, not even acknowledging his presence as something that needed a farewell.
He stalked, heavy footed, wanting to run away and the more he walked the darker it got, to the point where he wasn't sure what direction his feet were taking him.
When he looked back over his shoulder, his father was no longer standing there.
He'd left, probably to go back up and sit in the stands or leave or do whatever it was he did when he wasn't trying to control Shoto's every move.
Shoto regained his breathing then- watching his father disappear into the light.
When he turned back around though, he saw someone else.
Her arms crossed.
Her back leaning against the wall.
Her head facing the earth, as if pensive, left in thought.
When she looked up, Shoto had to blink a few times to register her presence.
Because she'd heard everything.
There was no way she hadn't.
"Y/n." He said and the coldness in your eyes nearly matched his.
***
You were quiet, for what seemed like forever.
In all honesty, you'd run down from the stands to see him, make sure he was okay, but when you walked in on him and Endeavor... hearing him he didn't need you in the midst of his own stress to Midoriya was one thing.
Hearing him say all that...
You just wanted to look at him, there was no other way to describe it.
See how different he looked in this light, see if he changed from what you'd heard him say.
So, with the same carelessness he beheld in front of Endeavor, you just looked...
"Are you hurt?" You asked, your tone unsympathetic, detached.
Finally hearing your voice Shoto, Shoto opened his mouth.
Only, what you said hardly seemed like a concerned question- more like one you were hardwired to ask.
Instead of answering, he sighed, not sure how to handle this.
"Is that you really what you want to ask-
"Answer me."
The sudden demand in your voice caught him off guard, caused him to take a step back. The calmness in your tone and the emptiness of your expression caused him to straighten too.
Whenever you were angry as a child you would just ignore him, go off on your own for a while, or yell, or do something till he apologized or you fought it out.
But this wasn't anger.
This was something past that.
"No, I'm not." Shoto answered, trying to hold eye-contact. "Are you?"
Ah. You thought. Hardwired too, it seems.
"Is that really what you want to ask me?"
Shoto furrowed his brows.
Because you smiled then- as if mocking him.
You could forgive him for everything that happened today, but there's one thing you needed to know first, needed to make sure of. Because if he was willing to tell his father and Deku about how he felt, then he sure as hell had better tell you.
"C'mon, Shoto." You whispered, leaning forward, daring him. "Ask. I know you want to." There was a gleam of cruelty in your eyes as you said that, uncrossing your arms, lazily hanging them at your sides. "I just heard you ask him." You said, cocking your head towards where Endeavor had gone. "So get it over with, ask me."
"Y/n," he sighed, shaking his head not wanting to do this, not sure how.
Pushing yourself off the wall in a flash, you stepped forward until he was barely an inch away, the loose strands of your hair so close they caressed his jaw.
He shivered, the sound of his breaths mingled with yours, still cold yet warm from his fight.
You bit down, clenched your jaw, pushed him with nothing, but your presence.
"Ask. Me." You whispered.
And the harshness in you was enough.
"Did you say yes?" Shoto asked, louder now. "When he asked you to betray me? Did you say yes?"
He met your gaze like a challenge, each of you no longer seeing a person you knew- only a manifestation of your loss of faith in one another.
The cruelty left your eyes the moment the words left his mouth.
So did the anger he didn't fully understand.
You stepped back.
The friction of your shoes against the ground becoming the announcement of distance.
Your lips twitched as it did, forming a smile, then a frown, then back to a line.
"There it is." You whispered, so quietly, Shoto didn't even hear.
"Aren't you going to answer me?"
"No." You interrupted, the power in your voice, the coldness one he'd never experienced before.
Your face had no expression. Just some faded sense of hurt shaped into malevolence. "Instead, I'm gonna ask you something. I don't care if you answer or not."
Shoto didn't say anything.
He just nodded, still so unsure.
"When's my birthday?" You asked, a fake sort of light and airy tone suddenly overtaking you.
He swallowed, staying still, not exactly sure why you were asking.
"Ten days before mine."
"That's right." You praised, that twitching sort of smile creeping to your lips for just a second before disappearing again. "Ten days." You repeated.
Unprompted, a small laughing breath left your lips.
"Funny." You said, cocking your head to the side, looking at nothing in particular, as if you were somewhere else. "I'm older, technically- than you I mean- yet you've always acted like an older brother."
Blinking down at the ground, you kept smiling as you spoke, "I was so thankful for that for so long; How patronizing you were, how protective."
"Y/n, what are you try-
"I'm not done."
Shoto stopped, his eyes widening slightly.
He didn't understand what this side of you was: the one that could shift so easily into someone so callous.
He didn't even recognize you.
But as you smiled a smile that could only mask pain, he could tell you were but a bad step away from breaking.
Maybe you were.
Neither of you was sure.
But you had to say it.
You had to make him feel what you'd felt- know what you knew.
"You always thought I needed your protection, right?" You asked, rhetorically. "You always thought, poor girl. She killed her parents. She's all alone. She- what did you say?" You softened, as if to mimic who he thought you were, doe-eyed, gentle, and kind. "She doesn't understand?"
You stared into him, the fake softness slowly leaving your expression as you let out a dry chuckle that almost frightened him.
"I've got news for you, Shoto." You said, a smirk lining your lips. "I'm smarter than you. I'm stronger than you too. I always have been."
It was as painful to say that to him as it was for him to hear.
But you just didn't care.
He blinked, wide-eyed because this wasn't you, it couldn't be.
You just kept going.
"The first moment I saw you I knew you were weak." You said, thinking back to when he was only five, still unwilling to walk through the halls without his mother's leg to hide behind. You shook your head. "I knew you'd let your pain eat you alive if I wasn't there."
Your smirk faded as you saw him now, half of him so reflective of his father. "And you're wrong. I do understand. I've understood this entire time." You swore you felt Endeavor's hand on yours tugging you into his home then, pulling you aside, his commands still vivid in the air.
You quieted the memory as you quieted your quirk like a boot stepping on a bug.
"But I did what he asked anyway."
Shoto looked beyond confused now, beyond hurt too.
This wasn't you. It couldn't be you.
But you kept going.
There, across from him, with nothing but indifference in the way you stood.
"I let your dad think he controlled me, I even let him think I cared." You said. "I did it because I loved you. Because if I didn't do exactly as he asked, he'd keep on beating you and make me watch till I took his place."
Shoto's breath hitched.
You didn't care.
All you saw where he stood was someone who didn't deserve to have the ugly truths hidden anymore.
If he was going to make his judgments, you'd make yours and he'd hear them and he'd take it like you'd had to.
"But it wasn't just for you that I did those things." You stepped forward. "I do what he tells me to survive."
Shoto furrowed his brows again.
He looked so confused, the poor thing.
He knew there was no loyalty in what you were saying.
Neither to him nor his father.
It was just self-serving.
"What?" You said, almost laughing at the look on his face. "You think I'd actually see someone like him as a father? No," You shook your head. "I mean, sometimes I considered pretending to love him, but you don't even know the amount of times I've thought about suffocating him in his sleep."
You whispered the last part.
But what you were saying...
This wasn't you.
It couldn't be you.
You blinked at him for a moment, as if what you were saying was the most normal thing in the world. And though he had the same look in his eye as when you once told him you wanted to kill the villains, you didn't care anymore.
You just... kept going.
"I listen to him because if there's one thing you're right about Shoto it's that he doesn't give a shit about me. I could die tomorrow and he'd bury in the backyard like one of your dogs, I know that, I don't care."
Shoto looked as if he was about to cry.
You just. kept. going.
"I do what he tells me because he took me out of hell and he has the power to throw me back."
Your voice cracked at that last part.
Each of you now was so close to breaking.
And though in the past you could've fallen onto one another, kept each other standing, the distance you'd each forged was too great for that.
You inhaled sharply, refusing to show the boy who'd abandoned you any weakness.
"So if you think that's betraying you, then fine." You said, shaking your head. "But fuck you."
A tear fell down Shoto's cheek, one down yours.
As if this was the final moment either of you would ever see the sibling you each loved.
"Fuck you and your stupid pride." You cried, your quirk finally realizing just how weak you were in that moment, your ears beginning to ring again. "Fuck you for letting it destroy us! Fuck you for not believing in me!"
You winced, grabbing at your ears, trying so hard not to fall.
Hitting yourself in the head, your back curled, your entire body- the one you'd hardened to keep the knife out of your chest began to crumble like stone.
"Y/n, please," Shoto said, walking towards you.
And for a second, it seemed like he was that same boy you knew- the one who had faith in you- the one who tried to heal your burn- the one who walked you into UA- the one who protected you at the USJ- the one who held you when he was scared- the boy under the blanket who gave you the hope of a sunrise.
You reached for him.
Tried to hold onto that image, not the one of this boy who abandoned everything.
And as you did, your ears stopped ringing.
You felt the slightest hint of his skin against your fingertips and suddenly it felt like that distance would disappear...
But that never happened.
Because as soon as you touched him- you saw his face.
You felt his arm tremble beneath your hand as he tugged it away.
You heard the shock in him as he gasped and stumbled backwards.
You saw his pupils expand, in just a fraction of a second.
And you saw your reflection in his fear.
Now only a few feet away, Shoto stood breathlessly, panting.
This wasn't you. It couldn't be you.
You stood there, your arm outreached towards him, unmoving, as if you were paralyzed in place.
Everything was silent for a minute.
Just your breathing filling the hall.
Then, as you retracted your arm, wiped your mouth, looked down at the ground, you started laughing again.
Not a chuckle or a breath this time, but laughing.
With your chest, full and heavy, loud.
Shoto's lower lip shook.
He wanted to say your name again, pull you back, but he was too afraid to even come closer.
Tears left your eyes as you laughed, so hard now you were stumbling backwards.
Your laughter- your crying- whichever it was, it echoed in the hall like a sound of pain, your body shaking with it.
"You're just like the rest." A crazed sort of voice took possession of your mouth between your breaths. "Oh, maybe you're right, maybe I am stupid. Maybe he did make me a monster." You said, meeting Todoroki's tragic gaze with your own sort of lost one.
Your laughing stopped.
"Go prove your father wrong Shoto Todoroki. Show him how powerful you are without him. I hope the look on his face and the medal around your neck was worth losing me."