As Amy sobbed into her bed, gripping the sheets in between her fingers making her knuckles go white, she let more tears fall down her flushed cheeks. It was insanity. She regretted it all. Every touch, every moment shared and every ounce of trust she put into him.
All she felt was regret.
Pure disappointment.
Most of all; hurt.
Sadness.
What made it all worse, was the fact she did love him. A lot.
Maybe that's why it hurt so bad.
**%%**
He didn't mean to say those things.
His anger fuelled him.
He wanted to take all those harsh words back.
He wanted to apologize but he couldn't because he was still angry.
He was hurt by Amy's words.
As Ricky let anger spread through his body, he let out a deep growl. Replaying the events that took place tonight, made him loose it. Before he knew it; his fist came into contact with the wall, creating a throbbing pain in his wrist. He couldn't exactly feel it because he was numb. His whole body was numb. He let out a deep scream, showing his frustration.
Finally, after letting out a deep breath, he calmed down for a minute only to go back to the evenings events. He gritted his teeth together and then slammed his back forcefully against his wall. He looked around, closed his eyes and sighed; realizing he needed to calm down. He took in his surroundings- which was his bedroom- noticing the crack in the wall and the now sharp pains followed by the warm blood trickling down his knuckles. Ricky slid down the wall, feeling his eyes glass over with un-shed tears, his breathing becoming erratic, his body shaking . His pressed his knees up to his chest and let his head fall in his hands.
He was royally fucked.
But all he could think about was how he did this to himself.
EARLIER THAT EVENING:
The thunder boomed, and the lightening lit up the sky. Ricky and Amy drove towards Ricky's apartment through the rain that was pounding forcefully on the windows, making Amy nervous.
She wasn't a fan of thunderstorms. Especially driving in them.
They decided to go Ricky's apartment after dropping John off at Margret and Shakur's home for the evening. They claimed they wanted bonding time with their grandchild and Ricky and Amy couldn't refuse the offer. A few hours alone was something they wanted for awhile now.
To talk alone and be together rather in the surroundings of a nursery and school.
Before they knew it they were taking off their coats in Ricky's apartment, hair soaked and feet drenched from puddles. Amy shivered and Ricky walked straight to his room. He came out holding a black hoodie, which had warm fleece on the inside. Amy had seen him wear it before, it looked great on him. He threw it in her direction, and she caught it. She smiled warmly with gratitude. She shrugged off her jacket and pulled the sweater over her torso, inhaling Ricky's scent. Cologne and... Ricky. She bit her lip and tied her hair up with the elastic that was around her wrist.
"Are you hungry? We can order out if you want." Ricky offered as he fixed a hot cup of tea for Amy.
"I'm a little hungry but I can wait for awhile." Amy smiled.
They both sat on the couch in comfortable silence until Amy had to tell Ricky what was on her mind. She had wanted to tell Ricky this all day, but she couldn't find a right time to do so.
"Ben asked me out for coffee." She blurted out.
"What?" Ricky's eyes widened in shock.
"Ben called me last night and asked me out for coffee..."
"What? What did you say?" Ricky was annoyed more then anything by this.
"I said yes." Amy bit her bottom lip and looked down at her hand and began playing with her finger nails.
"Are you kidding me?" Ricky glared.
"Calm down, Ricky. It's just going to be a friend thing. He has Grace and I have you. No. Big. Deal." Amy rolled her eyes at Ricky's jealousy.
"Pfft. Friends. I see how he looks at you!"
"Really, Ricky? You're going to pull the whole jealousy thing? You barely tell me how you feel! You can't go around acting all upset because Ben asked me for coffee, you have no right! I can go have coffee with any friend as I please." Amy retorted.
"Is that why you've been upset with me lately? Because I won't say all lovey dovey things?" Ricky scoffed.
"Can we just stop it?"
"What do you want from me, Amy? To shower you with flowers and heart felt notes every day telling you that your eyes shine like a thousand bright stars? Well, that's not me. You know that." Ricky laughed out of nerves and anger.
"God Ricky! You get me so frustrated!" Amy screamed, running her fingers roughly through her hair.
"What do you want me to say, Amy?" Ricky yelled back, feeling his neck strain with frustration.
"You never tell me anything! Nothing heart felt what-so-ever! I'm always the one to take that step and sure, you say a few things once and awhile and yeah, they are nice but I have no clue where your heart is at! I have no clue where your feelings stand!"
"Is this because I don't tell you 'I love you' every god damn second? I'm. Not. BEN!" Ricky spoke through his teeth.
"I don't want you to be Ben! I don't want Ben, Ricky. I. Want. You. Not. Ben. Oh god, is this what you've been moody about? Me going out with Ben or thinking I still like Ben? Ricky, can you get it through your head that I want you!" Amy felt her eyes water but she didn't fight the now over flowing tears.
Minutes passed with silence filling there room. Suddenly, Ricky spoke up.
"Isn't me changing for you enough for you Amy? I'm not how I used to be and you know it and you changed me. You and John did. I'm not ready to tell you I am in love with you because I'm not sure I am! I'm not going to tell you I do, when really I do not mean it! I won't and I can't do that. Give me time and don't go after me complaining I don't tell you I love you because you aren't in love with me either, Amy."
Amy bit her lip and wiped away a tear that was now at the bottom of her jaw. "I appreciate you changing Ricky, it's amazing and it means a lot but sometimes it's not enough!" Amy screamed, throwing her hands in the air. Ricky stood still for a minute, taking in her words.
"Will I ever be enough?" He whispered. Amy just ignored his answer, feeling too hurt to reply.
Amy shrugged and then decided to answer out anger and hurt by the previous words spoken.
"I don't tell you my feelings because you'll get freaked out and run away and give up or something. Maybe even cheat on me." Amy gave Ricky attitude at the end, making sure he felt the sting of her words.
And he did.
"You obviously have no trust in me at all!" Ricky screamed, hurt my Amy's assumptions.
"You have no trust in me because you can't even trust me to go to out for coffee with Ben!"
"Pfft. Go out. You make it sounds like a date. Which was probably Ben's intention and who knows... maybe you wouldn't refuse him and his advances on this 'coffee date.'" Ricky spoke how Amy spoke to him with the same intention of Amy feeling the hurt of his words.
Which she did.
Amy let out an inner scream and ran her hands through her bangs. "I give up on us. I tried to make it work and I really hoped it would because I care too much about you to let you go. But obviously you seem to think we have nothing between us and you have no trust in me!" Amy spoke through her sobbing.
As much as that wasn't the truth, Amy still tried to convince herself that.
Because if there wasn't anything between them...this it wouldn't hurt so much.
"Fine. Forget about all of our feelings and the sensual, life changing, heart moving moments between us and everything. I don't give a fuck anymore." Ricky kicked the table, making Amy jump at the action, letting fear wash over her body.
Amy looked up at the ceiling, taking deep breaths in between the sobs that shook her body. "Bye Ricky."
With that, she grabbed her bag and ran through the butcher shop, walking out into the pouring rain towards Margret and Shakur's.
Hoping for a ride home, and her son.
Her only reason to get up in the morning tomorrow.
As her body began to become soaked with the rain and the salty tears, she wanted nothing more then to take it all back.
End of flashback.
PRESENT:
"Maybe we should go and check on her." Ashley suggested as she and Grant stood outside of Amy's door, listening to her cry.
Griffin had came over to talk to Ashley and they actually didn't fight. Ashley realized this wasn't Griffin's fault and she loved that he was here for her. She needed someone to talk to.
"Time is what she needs, Ashley."
George and Anne waited for someone to pick up the phone. They have been calling continuously for the last fifteen minutes and no answer.
Finally, Ashley picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Finally!" George said in relief.
"Sorry, I didn't hear the phone and Amy's... not in the mood for calls."
George raised an eyebrow. "Grouchy? Sleep deprived? Ricky troubles?"
Ashley knew she shouldn't tell her mom and dad before Amy but by the sounds of things, Amy wasn't leaving her bedroom any time soon.
"The last one."
"Oh god! What did he do?" George shrieked.
"They had a fight and I think they ... umm, might have broken up." Ashley bit her lip.
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure. At all. She just went and dropped off John at Margret and Shakur's then within an hour or so, Margret dropped off Amy and John and Amy was crying. She put John in the nursery and he fell asleep, then she went to her room and hasn't left since."
"I'll hurt him. I'll break every bone in his body." George growled. He hated hearing that his daughter was like this and he hated knowing Ricky most likely did something to hurt her.
"Dad, just calm down. I'll try and talk to her. OK?"
"Fine Ash, call me if you need anything, alright?"
"Yeah. See you tomorrow evening."
With that, Ashley hung up. She walked over to the living room and sat down beside Grant. "I should go talk to her."
"I think you should give her a bit of time, but if you feel like you should, then go do it. I think I'm going to head home anyways. The storm is getting a thousand times worse." Griffin stood up and went and put on his jacket. "See you tomorrow?"
"Yup."
"Call me later." Griffin yelled behind him as he ran for cover from the downpour of rain in his car.
Ashley closed the door and walked upstairs. She first peeked in the nursery and noticed John was still fast asleep. Being with Margret and Shakur must have tired him out or he was just tired. Ashley continued down the hallway and stood in front of Amy's door, contemplating what to do. Finally, she just walked right in.
The sight before her was heart breaking. Amy was sitting cross legged on the bed, looking up at Ashley with puffy eyes and black, makeup smudged tear stains. Her hair was damp and so were her clothes. Her face was flushed and lacking colour. Ashley had never seen Amy this way before.
"Amy, are you alright?" Ashley whispered and inched closer to the bed.
"Do I look alright!" Amy screamed and then started sobbing again.
"I'm sorry this happened Amy. I'm sorry we haven't been close lately." Ashley apologized and went over to Amy.
She sat down on the bed in front of her sister. Amy looked at Ashley through her lashes and looked at her in silence. Finally, she broke down again.
Ashley pulled her sister into her lap and let her cry.
She didn't say anything.
She just smoothed back her hair and let her cry.
It was her way of telling her she was here for her. Always.
The next day, Ricky woke up on the couch. His head was throbbing and his wrist was in pain. He groaned and lifted his limp body off of the couch. His emotions were all over the place.
It felt surreal.
He was used to waking up to a text from Amy, telling him she couldn't wait to see him in an hour. He was also used to waking up to be excited to see her as well, and knowing that she was his girlfriend.
Today; she wasn't.
He didn't like it.
Actually, he hated it.
He was still angry though. Was he really not enough? Would he ever be enough? Was Amy unsure of their relationship this whole time? Did Amy actually think he didn't lov- care for her? Have no feelings for her?
No, he couldn't let this control him.
He was Ricky Underwood for Christ sake! He had to just bounce back. He knew all the girls would be flocking to him when they find out he's single again. Not that they didn't when he wasn't single; but he turned them down.
If only Amy knew that. He turned down girls who were willing to give him pleasure. With no strings attached.
But he would much rather be kissing Amy and knowing he would be doing the same thing tomorrow. With other girls, he felt nothing. With Amy, he felt a spark.
He wanted her to know that too.
He changed and he wished she could just know how much he really did and it was all for her and John.
Ricky shrugged and ran his fingers through his hair. He rose from the couch and walked to the bathroom. He ran the shower and let the steam fill the bathroom. He stripped down and then stepped in the shower, feeling his cold toes tingle from the sensation of the hot water. He let the water dribble down his shoulders and stream down his back, allowing his tense muscles to relax. He washed off the dry blood on his knuckles and that's when the reality of the situation kicked in.
She was gone.
She wasn't his.
He felt his eyes glass over and finally, the tears began falling down his face. He began to feel nauseas. He put his back against the shower wall and slowly slid down.
He put his head in his hands and continued to cry.
***%***
Amy was abruptly awoken by her alarm clock, singing loudly in her ear. She groaned and wiped away the drool and the dampness from the tear-soaked pillow. Her pillow seemed to feel like a sham-wow. It soaked up her sadness and tears. Wow, totally cliché. She thought and scoffed at herself. She got out of bed and walked into the nursery to find Ashley changing John into a fresh pair of clothes.
"Thanks for getting him ready, Ash." Amy's voice was raw.
"No problem. Go shower and I'll feed John."
"Thanks Ashley but you really don't need to do that."
"No, I do. You need a shower and to get washed up."
Amy gave a weak smile and then left to go shower. She went to her bedroom and went straight to her closet. She grabbed a red, cotton cardigan with a white tank top underneath with dark washed jeans. But then she didn't want to look good. She didn't need to look good when she felt so utterly upset.
She threw the cardigan and jeans back in her closet and grabbed a pair of black sweat pants and a white t-shirt instead. She finally made it to the bathroom and was standing in the shower, letting the water wipe away salty tears and taking away the damp, cold feeling that was lingering on her skin. She sighed in contentment and put her head directly under the spray.
As she continued to wash her body, the reality began to soak in for her as well.
She wasn't Ricky's girlfriend anymore.
She was alone... but she had to stay strong for John.
She actually said those things last night... and she heard those things. They hurt and it hurt when she said them too.
Eventually, she just gave up.
Who was she kidding; she didn't want to go to school like this today. She wasn't about to go and face Ricky but she knew she had to go. Finals and exams were happening and there were only a few days left of school anyways.
She finally hopped out of the shower and wiped away the condensation on the mirror with a towel. She took in her appearance and gasped. Her eyes were puffy, and her skin was blotchy from the heat and her salty tears. She was an utter mess.
She hated this
She hated being weak all because of a guy. She hated feeling vulnerable and she hated crying.
Why was she hurting like this?
Oh yeah; It's because she loves him.
"Where's Amy, Ricky?" Adrian walked beside Ricky at a fast pace.
"I don't know." Ricky spat back harshly.
"I thought you would know seeing as how you are usually with her every morning. Is John sick? Is she sick? Or maybe she's just late. "
Ricky abruptly stopped and turned to face Adrian. "I don't know, Adrian! I have no clue! I haven't spoken to her since our fight yesterday and you think I want to be here? No. I want to stay home just like she did because I don't want to have to deal with nosey and annoying people like you!"
Adrian's jaw dropped. Was she just yelled at, called annoying and nosey? Oh yes, she was.
Before Ricky could say anything, he felt the brunettes, freshly manicured hand come into contact with his cheek, followed by a stinging sensation. He raised his hand and touched his now reddened cheek.
"I won't be talked to like that." Adrian said sternly. Ricky, instantly regretted taking his mood out on Adrian.
"I'm sorry for taking it out on you. It's just... things were said last night and I don't want to be here. I just came to get my exams done and go." Ricky's voice cracked talking about it.
"Wow, you are really broken up over this aren't you?" Adrian spoke softly.
"Yeah."
Adrian grabbed his arm and led him into an empty classroom. Ricky was confused and not sure he should be here, with Adrian, at this moment and in an empty classroom.
"Listen Ricky, I know you aren't the type to worry about girls and date them for long periods of time. I know you aren't the type to be totally hurt over a girl and show emotion and affection towards her. I can see that Amy's different though."
"She is. I hope you know Adrian I was broken up over you too." Ricky confessed.
"But not as much as you are for Amy and you know it."
Ricky nodded.
"Have you told her how you truly, truly feel for her?" Adrian raised an eyebrow and looked at Ricky.
"I've told her how much I like her and I've said many affectionate things to her." Ricky explained. He began to play with his fingers.
"I can see what you're doing, Ricky. You are putting up a barrier and you aren't saying how you truly feel because you are afraid to get hurt." Adrian whispered.
Ricky's head shot up. Just as he was about to say something, the bell rang, signalling class was going to start. Adrian put her purse on her should and walked for the door.
"You know I'm right." Adrian said over her shoulder and walked out.
She was right, and Ricky knew that.
Amy and Ashley walked through the halls of Grant High, knowing they were late. The hallways were practically deserted. Luckily, they were only a couple minutes late and they scurried to the front desk.
"Hi Miss. Bink, may we both have a late slip?" Amy spoke in her sweetest voice.
"Why were you late?" The counsellor inquired.
"I had to drop my son off at the nursery and I woke up late and she was late because I drive her." Amy explained.
"Alright."
With that, the girls were given their late slips and headed to their first class.
The day passed in a blur for Amy. She avoided Ricky at all costs and she hadn't seen him all day. That was until lunch time that is. She noticed him sitting at a table with his head in his arms, with a tray of food in front of him, untouched. Amy's heart skipped a beat but she refused to go and talk to him. She continued through the crowded lunch area and ran to the parking lot. She decided sitting in her car, while sipping on a bottle of water was better then facing the person who you love who happened to smash your heart into a million pieces the previous night.
Yeah, sobbing in your car was way better.
Ricky put his coat on the hanger, and his keys on the coffee table of his apartment when he got home after school. He explained to Bunny what was happening and all she did was shake her head and let him have the day off. Ricky was surprised of course when she didn't have any advice for him. When he brought that up, all she said was "You have to figure this out for yourself."
Which was true of course, but a little guidance wouldn't do any harm either.
Ricky went to the fridge and grabbed left over pizza. Cold pizza was always better.
Oh god, I'm like a girl who's sitting on his couch eating cold pizza after a break-up. Ricky thought and shook his head. He sat on the couch and began eating.
After two bites, he couldn't eat it anymore. He had no apatite whatsoever. He pushed away the pizza box, and put his head in his hands.
As he let thoughts of Amy consume him, he realized he missed her. He missed kissing her and hugging her and knowing she would be there. He missed seeing her smile and eating with her at lunch and then playfully arguing about whether a tomato should be classified as a fruit or vegetable. He missed holding her hand down the halls and talking about John. He missed John but he couldn't go over there now. Then there was a voice in the back of his head telling him to go there just because he could see Amy.
Amy.
Ricky looked over to the table beside the couch and grabbed the silver framed picture of himself, Amy and John. He stared at their smiles and how Ricky had his arm wrapped around her waist. He couldn't take his eyes off of the beautiful, hilarious, wonderful, charismatic, talented, amazing and strong girl in front of him.
That's when he realized it.
He knew why this hurt so much.
He knew why he misses her right after she walks out of the door and he just spent hours with him.
He knew why he cared about her and John more then anything else in the world.
He knew why he felt a spark when he kissed her and he held her like she was the most precious thing in the world.
He knew why he changed for her.
He knew why she was worth changing for.
He was head over heals in love with Amy Juerguns....
I loved this update!! Can I have some reviews?? please!! Thx for all of the people who has viewed my story!!
I am going to put another story up but I will slowly be updating it. Maybe once a week and I am writing it on Fanficion.net too. It is called Falling in Love...