Ren felt like he could collapse at any moment. His heart was racing, chest tight, feeling very hot and sweaty from the thought of telling Xisuma of what was going on through his mind. If it weren't for Doc, he would have fainted long ago.
"You can do this, Ren," Doc says in a reassuring voice, holding his hand as the other held him with a bone-crushing grip.
"I'm scared, Doc," he says softly. "What if he thinks I'm crazy, like everyone else did?"
"Xisuma is a very understanding person. He wouldn't make you feel less of a person for things," Doc tells him. "And if he does it without realizing it, he'll make sure that he'll make it up to you."
Ren silently took that all in. He took a deep breath before looking up at the nether portal. "Okay, I think I'm ready."
They step through, looking throughout his base. They find him at his bee farm, restocking the bottles and shears. He doesn't notice them at first.
Ren and Doc stand a few feet away from him. He opens his mouth to call out his name but it falls short. Doc stands next to him, rubbing his back in comfort, muttering soft reassurances.
The last proper time he had faced Xisuma was back in the other world, the day before he fell to the curse like everyone else had.
"It's going to be okay, right X?"
Ren doesn't have long before Xisuma turns, seeing them standing there. "Ren, Doc! Hello, I didn't see you there." His focus turns to Ren. "Oh jeez, Ren, are you alright? You don't look so good."
Ren chokes on his words, struggling to come out with it.
Doc didn't say anything, still holding him close.
"It's alright, Ren, take your time."
"Do you want me to tell him?" Doc asked softly.
Ren shook his head. "X, do you-" he says quietly slowly. "-believe in other worlds?"
Xisuma doesn't say anything at first. "Can you explain to me what you mean by that?" he asks carefully.
"Before this one," Ren continues, trying to stop his voice from shaking. "Before we were all here, we were all in a different world."
"Ren-"
"I am not crazy, Xisuma-" Ren snaps, refusing for yet another person to think negatively of him. "I'm tired of people telling me that I'm insane and looking at me with-"
"Ren," Xisuma places his hands on his shoulders, gaining his attention. "You are not crazy."
Ren stares with wide eyes, caught off guard at his reaction.
"You're not crazy, Ren," he repeated calmly. "Because I remember it all too."
"You do?" Ren said softly.
"I do."
"The stock exchange, Grian head hunt, demise?" he asks a little desperately. Maybe he finally had someone who understood.
Xisuma nodded. "I remember how you and Doc worked for ages on that thing, how False won the scavenger hunt, how you lost first in Demise, everything."
Ren felt tears. He wasn't crazy after all! Everyone else had been wrong about him, there was another world before this one.
"I am so sorry, Ren," Xisuma was sincere. "You've been through a lot, and I know me saying "sorry" doesn't change things, but you weren't supposed to remember."
Ren stared at him in disbelief. He couldn't believe his ears.
"What do you mean he wasn't supposed to remember?" Doc had voiced the question that was on both of their minds.
"I mean that Ren was supposed to forget the last world like everyone else had," Xisuma explained. "Something must have gone wrong and I fell asleep before you had."
"Xisuma, what do you mean, "went wrong"?" Doc asked, starting to sound annoyed.
Ren kept silent, taking everything in.
"It happens every time before we're dropped in another world, the hermits don't wake up, and we end up in another world."
"There's been other times?!"
"Doc, it's not helping if you-"
"Where's Python?" Ren interrupted. "And Jessassin? And Wels? And Biffa?"
Xisuma fell silent.
That didn't sound good at all. "Are they," his voice shook, fearing the worst. "Are they dead?"
"No," Xisuma shakes his head, saying it softly. "No, they're not dead."
"How do you know if they're not dead?" Ren asked desperately. "How do you know if they're safe if you don't know where they are?"
"Because it's happened before, Ren," Xisuma stops his tirade. "We've had hermits go missing between worlds and then reappear. Etho, Hypno, and Beef weren't with us in the last world, but Etho and Beef were with us in the world before the one you remember. And Hypno was missing for two entire worlds." He paused. "They're not dead, Ren, they'll be back eventually."
"Why doesn't anyone else remember them? Or anything that's happened before?"
"Because look at you, Ren! You're a wreck!" Xisuma exclaims. "And so were they. Everytime a friend of ours, or significant other, had gone missing between jumps, they were a complete wreck. And when we've had time to cope with it, someone else has gone missing or they're suddenly back, it messes with people's heads. It was better for everyone to forget."
"We deserve to know what happened to our friends, Xisuma," Doc says firmly.
Xisuma shook his head. "You weren't there Doc, you don't understand how badly it affected people," he motioned to Ren. "Just look at Ren."
"What Ren felt and what they felt aren't the same!" Doc snapped. "They at least all had people believing them. Ren was by himself for so long, with the others thinking he was out of his mind. He didn't have a clue what was going on and-"
Ren places his hand on Doc's arm and he immediately calms down. "Can we go?" he asked softly. "I need to-" he cut himself off, sniffing.
"Of course, Ren."
Both Ren and Doc stay silent, as the latter leads him away.
-.-
"I don't think I can be alone right now, Doc," Ren's voice cracked. "Can I-"
"Anything you need," Doc pulled him close, rubbing his back comfortingly.
Ren accepts the hug, burying his head in his chest as he wraps his arms around him.
"Tell me about the other world," Doc says softly. "What's this "Stock Exchange" Xisuma was talking about?"
Ren sniffed, a small smile on his face. He was really glad for Doc, he would have gone insane long ago if it hadn't been for him.
And then he proceeds to tell him all about the struggles, the bowtie prank, the robbery, everything about what had gone down in the stock exchange.
That night had been the quickest Ren had ever gone to sleep. And for once, he doesn't have a nightmare.
-.-
Ren wakes up to an empty bed. He's confused at first, not recognizing where he was at but quickly remembers that he's at Doc's place. He gets up, moving to find Doc.
"Morning," Doc greeted. "Did you have a good sleep?"
"Best ever, no nightmares either."
Doc smiled at him and Ren felt his heart soar, seeing that same fond smile he hadn't seen in such a long time. He clears his throat, turning away so Doc didn't see the red tinge to his face.
"Good to hear, Ren," Doc says."If you need to stay over again, come over anytime. And I'm always here if you need someone."
"Thanks Doc."
-.-
Ren needed time to deal with things. Hearing everything from Xisuma just made him have more questions. He had a small breakdown but Doc had been there to support him.
He still loved him, never stopped loving him, but at this point, he doesn't think he should be with him. Doc deserved more than him, someone who wasn't so needy and constantly needed support.
Someone who wasn't so broken.
-.-
He returns to the small shack on the island.
It now felt so empty and lonely. Before, it didn't really bother him, but now, the silence was deafening.
Ren starts to prepare for a move. A place where there were more hermits other than just himself.
He finds a place in a mesa biome, recognizing it as the same jungle biome he wandered into when he first saw someone awake. He marks it off as his own before returning to his shack and packing up his stuff.
Ren doesn't sleep that night. The bed was far too cold and lonely without Doc next him.
Instead, he works through the night, and the next few nights moving everything. In his last trip, he brought Pamela and Sandy cat with him, Pam sitting behind him and Sandy cat sitting on his lap.
Ren builds a small house made of sandstone, much different than the one on his island. It helps a little, knowing that he didn't have to go so far to see someone. But he never does, unable to beat how they would react to him in his current condition.
-.-
"Ren, there you are."
Ren looks up to see Doc approaching him, a look of relief on his face.
"When did you move?"
"Just now," Ren tells him. "I finished moving everything over, and I-" he stops, seeing the expression on Doc's face. "What? What is it?"
"You haven't been sleeping again, have you, Ren?" Doc says calmly, slowly bringing his hand up to touch his face. "Are the nightmares back?" he brushes his thumb against his cheek.
Ren purses his lips, glancing to the side. "No, I-" he stops, breathing in. "It's too lonely at night, I can't bare it."
"Ren, you're not alone, you have me."
Ren wanted to reach out and for Doc to hug him, like he had a few days ago, like he had in the other world.
"I don't want to be a burden."
"You're not a burden, Ren, I care about you."
"Then you shouldn't care so much."
"That would never happen," Doc says. "I'll never stop caring about you, whether you think it or not." Doc takes a step closer, raising his arms before stopping.
Ren doesn't say anything and nods, moving into his embrace.
"I want to help you, tell me how."
Ren couldn't resist and hugged him back. "I don't want to lose you again," he whispered.
"You'll never lose me," he moves his hands to bring him in closer. "I'm here, Ren, awake and safe."
Ren says nothing, enjoying the warmth enveloping him.
"Since you couldn't sleep, stay with me again tonight. It helped last time."
"Okay."
-.-
Ren stays with Doc again that night, and the next. He was hesitant at first, feeling as if he was just taking advantage of Doc's kindness and just burdening him with his problems. But the other always told him that he wasn't and was always happy to hear him out.
The more Doc says that, the more Ren feels bad about doubting him and the worse he gets.
But at night, Ren gets to pretend that everything is alright, that they were in the other world, that Python, Jessassin, Biffa and Wels were back, and nothing had gone wrong at all. That he and Doc were still in a relationship, still talking about the results of Demise and how to get back at Grian.
It wasn't healthy for him to do that, he knows it, but he couldn't help but pretend.
Ren glances to his side, seeing the slow rise and fall of Doc's chest as he lay fast asleep. He turns on his side, and he couldn't help himself but he moves a bit closer, laying his head against his chest, arm around him, as they had done back in the other world.
When he wakes up in the morning, he feels an arm wrapped around him. "Morning." He opens his eyes, looking up at Doc to see him staring right back at him.
"I'm sorry, I fell asleep on you," Ren pushes away from him. "Did I prevent you from being able to get up?"
"No, no, I just got up too," Doc quickly denied. "Don't worry, you didn't wake me up."
Ren stands from the bed, "I need to work on my logging business, I haven't restocked in awhile."
"Good luck," Doc tells him, sitting up in his bed. "I'll see you later."
Ren waves him goodbye and leaves the room.
-.-
Ren sometimes wondered why Doc even bothered with him. He was a complete mess and had so many problems to deal with, so why did Doc waste his time on him? He just didn't get it.
Rem goes back to work on his log business, wanting to get his mind off of things.
Iskall had asked him a while back for wood in exchange for diamonds. He hadn't been able to get that to him yet so he decided to get that done.
It was also a while since he saw him. The last time he did, Iskall had laughed at him for bringing up the other world. He still considered him a good friend, it wasn't his fault that he didn't remember anything. Heck, Ren remembered it all and he thought he was crazy.
"Ren, dude, hey!" Iskall greeted with a smile. "How've you been!"
"It's been," Ren says vaguely. "Got that wood you ordered."
Iskall grinned. "Perfect! How many diamonds will that be?"
"10 diamond blocks for everything."
Iskall hands him the diamonds. "So," Iskall says with a smirk. "You know the hermits talk."
Ren pockets the diamonds. "They can get pretty nosy, yeah."
"They're saying you and Doc have a thing going on," Iskall says, trying really hard not to smile. "Truth or rumor?"
"Uh," Ren didn't know what to say.
"So it's true!" he grinned. "You two are dating."
"No!" Ren exclaimed. "No, Doc and I aren't dating." He wished they were, but they weren't.
"Uh huh," he says with a nod, doubt on his face. "And that's why people say you've been staying over at his place at night. Right."
"No," Ren says, shaking his head. "It's not like that, Doc's been helping me out lately. I've had trouble sleeping lately, that's all."
"Trouble sleeping?" Iskall immediately looked concerned, dropping the grin on his face. "Why? What's wrong?"
Ren tensed up. Iskall had laughed at him when he told him, there was no way he would tell him. He wouldn't understand me.
"Come on, you can trust me, dude!"
"I'm uh," Ren started stuttering, wanting to get out of there. "I have to-"
Iskall looked at him. "Ren," he says, hurt in his voice.
Ren turns, heading out.
-.-
Ren goes to find Doc.
He hated that he needed to depend on him so much, but he needed him right now. He finds him at his half of the mansion. He was on the upstairs floor, working on some obsidian box.
Ren climbs the stairs, making his way to him. "Doc?"
Doc pops his head up from the box. "Ren?"
"I need-" he stops.
Doc climbs out of the box, hopping down to meet him. "What's wrong, Ren?"
Ren doesn't say anything, hugging him.
Doc returns the hug, holding him close.
"Rough day?"
Ren nodded.
"It's alright, you don't have to say anything."
For a while, they say nothing. Doc just holds him, letting Ren hug it out.
"Why me, Doc," he mumbled softly.
"Sorry?" he asked.
"Why me?" he asked a bit louder. "Thank you for being here for me, but I'm sure there's so much other stuff you'd rather do."
"You're my friend," Doc says gently. "And I care about you."
"Any other person wouldn't have helped me out like you did. They thought I was pathetic."
"They didn't say that," Doc says, rubbing his back in comfort. "They just didn't believe you, they did not think you were pathetic."
Ren doesn't say anything.
"I don't think you're pathetic Ren," Doc tells him. And from the tone of his voice, he could tell he was being genuine. "You're a great and strong person, anyone would be glad to call you their friend or partner."
His heart ached. He wanted Doc to call him that again like he had before but he wouldn't ever do that again, would he? Even if they did, and that's a big if, they'd never have the same relationship as they did before.
-.-
That day, instead of working on their own things, they spend it together. It's the first time they've spent the entire day together, usually it's just right in the morning and at night.
Ren enjoys his time with Doc, but finds himself having wishful thoughts.
"Ren," Doc's voice was gentle and much more hesitant that it had been all day.
Ren stares at him, curious at the change in his tone of voice. "Yeah?"
Doc looks right into his eyes, taking his hand and holds it between his own.
"You know you're my friend, right? And I care about you, I'd never want to do anything that would hurt you or would ever take advantage of you."
Ren didn't know where Doc was going with this.
"But I thought you should know, before you find out at a worse time," Doc paused, breathing in. "Ren, I love you."
Ren felt like he was dreaming. He stared at Doc, shock on his face. He had longed to hear that from him again, but there was no way Doc loved him, not now. He didn't want his hopes to be brought up only for it to be shot down again.
"You don't have to say anything now," Doc continued. "And I don't expect you to like me back, but I hope you will continue to let me support you when you need it and still be friends with me." He held out his hand, "If you'd let me, of course."
There was a hopeful look on his face, but there was also some fear.
Ren takes his hand, letting himself be pulled into a hug.
"I hope this doesn't change things between us," Doc said softly. "You needed to know and I wasn't being fair to you."
Ren said nothing, hugging him back, and just enjoying the hug from Doc.
He stayed with him again that night. And like every other night, Doc holds him close, Ren laying his head on his chest.
But when Doc is fast asleep, Ren is still awake, the thoughts of what happened fresh on his mind.
Iskall had thought he and Doc were dating, and probably everyone else too, if they knew he stayed over at his place every night. Then Iskall says he could trust him when he did the exact thing he was afraid of? How could Ren trust him, or anyone else for that matter, about what was truly in his mind, when Iskall, Iskall, one of his closest friends, laughed at him.
Doc and Xisuma were the only ones who hadn't laughed at him, and yet, everyone else he told did.
And then there was the thing Doc told him. Ren couldn't help but feel guilty.
Ren had lost Doc in the other world when he wouldn't wake up. Then, they're in this new world and he thinks he has Doc back only for him to not remember him. Ren thought he'd never get to wake up next to Doc ever again or hug him closely ever again. But Ren gets to sleep next to him and wake up next to him everyday. And Doc is holding him at night like he had before. And then Doc tells him he loves him.
It's - mostly - everything that he's wanted to happen but Ren couldn't enjoy it. He felt too guilty that he was just holding Doc back with all the baggage he had.
But despite it all, Ren hoped it wasn't just a dream.