when the sky was silent and no tree was moving, suddenly eli's eyes opened slowly.
it was still dark, the only sound coming from people having a conversation in the radio that he had turn on to feel less alone.
the red haired man sat up still filled with the deep slumber he had just awoken from, and let his gaze wander around.
a room he had gotten used to over this past year, it was filled with decorations, photos of his family on his nightstand, an old calendar on his dresser and some half finished studies on the old and slightly crooked desk.
not for long anymore, however.
the dark, wooden floor creaked with every movement when eli finally got up and moved to turn off the radio still babbling softly in the background.
to be honest, he'd ask himself everyday why he was here again, because he had promised himself not to fall for the smell of the alcohol again, not to fall for the prickling taste of it again.
yet here he was, getting therapy and recovering from his addiction, once again.
eli loved sneaking out of his room at night, when the old nurse would be sleeping at the desk, because even she was too tired to stay up all night.
and usually, he would meet up with his only friend to have a little night walk around the garden.
but his friend got released three years ago, so from then on, the walks would have to be just by himself.
ruffling his red hair and taking in a deep breath, he tried to open the high door as quietly as possible.
as soon as he entered the big and hollow hallway with the same old wooden floor, he tiptoed barefoot to his left, where right next to his room, a big glass door opened to a huge garden.
this was the garden him and his old friend would always go to and talk about god and the world, whenever the first star came out at night.
somehow, the clear air still smelled like the thunderstorm from earlier, and he wasn't afraid of it anymore, because he could still feel eden's voice on his skin.
even though it had gotten cold at night, he wasn't freezing, for the first time in a long time, he felt like he wasn't walking down the stony path by himself.
there was someone walking beside him, who supported him with his warmth and gave him comfort so all the fear disappeared from his mind.
no doubt, everything that had happened four years ago broke all of the seven, and they missed each other a lot.
but it had already happened so long ago, they had forgotten each other's birthdays probably.
however eli i knew that he hadn't.
spotting a metal bench at the side of the path, he sighed before plopping onto it and letting his head fall back, observing the night sky.
"why are you out here this late?"
suddenly a feminine voice filled the silence, causing eli to flinch and sucking in a harsh breath.
he knew who this voice belonged to, he was just asking himself why it was here at this moment.
"yeona?"
eli tilted his head to the right and could see the silhouette of a woman, still in her doctors uniform and her shiny dark brown hair was combed back in a low bun.
the white coat shined, together with her blue eyes as she looked at her patient.
she moved to sit beside him and hid her hands in the pockets, she was probably freezing because so late at night, the huge heat wave from august calmed down and rested to be fresh for the new day.
"i-i couldn't sleep," he stuttered to answer her question and looked back up at the sky, trying to count the stars.
"does counting the stars help?"his therapist asked while chuckling quietly, which made her yawn.
and her yawn made eli yawn.
"yeah, we used to do that all the time," he responded and a small smile found its way onto eli's beautiful face.
the moonlight illuminated it softly, making his tan skin shine a little when he looked at his therapist.
"we?" she asked and also turned her head to look at him, seeing how the little dots glowed even brighter than usual on the sky today.
eli didn't speak, suddenly the old familiar sadness creeped up on his shoulders.
"you know, the boys and me."
yeona tried to make eye contact with him, wanting to reassure him because she knew how hard it still was for him to talk about this.
but somehow, as they say, the tiredness makes you talk, telling people things you weren't supposed to say.
"there was a heavy thunderstorm today, and i called him," he started, and he stared somewhere randomly, not blinking once.
"and he sang for me again, like it was before."
the doctor slightly turned her torso towards him and pulled her knees to her chest, listening to him as if they were in one of their sessions again.
even though the chilly air made her shiver slightly, she tried to hide her own discomfort.
"who?" she whispered, making eli smile softly as he thought about eden's face, and the wide smiles on his face.
"i have never told you about him, he was my first love," he confessed truthfully before finally taking his eyes off the thing he was staring at and instead looking into yeonas eyes.
he had made her curious.
"his name was eden,"
"his?"
eli nodded and slightly fidgeted with his fingers, looking away.
"it's okay, you know i don't judge you, eli," she assured him before giving him her typical therapist grin.
she was always advised to keep the professional space between her and her patients, but with eli and his touching story that she, herself could relate to, it was hard.
"eden was the best thing that ever happened to me. he would look me in the eyes and tell me i was beautiful, the best person to ever exist. and he would hug me with such lightness that i felt like i was floating."
yeona continued to listen to him.
"but he never felt quite the same for me, his eyes were always on someone else when we would walk together, i could feel he wasn't with me because he loved me, but because he feared to be alone," eli stated and those words made a few salty tears form in his eyes, that he quickly tried to swallow.
"however, i couldn't let it go, i would fall for him all over again when he apologized to me, he promised me everytime it wouldn't happen again."
his therapist thought it was best not to touch him, not to take his trembling hand in his and stroke over it gently.
"then, it happened and we lost each other completely. until today, while it was thundering. because eden used to always sing to me when i was scared, especially after my own mother died," now, the tears were too many for eli to just swallow them, and he decided to just cry.
he never felt the need to appear strong in front of people anyways, he wasn't like yuri or shino, who never showed any type of emotion like this.
but he was weak.
maybe that's just who he was.
weak.
and unable to let go of something he held in his hand too tightly for so long, like a rope he gripped onto so harshly that his hand was bleeding.
but he had gotten used to the pain, and if it would disappear now, something would be missing.
"i know i shouldn't have, i should've let all of this go because eden always drags me with him, i'm so bad at leaving him."
yeona's gaze softened at the sight of eli starting to sob, his shoulders were shaking with regret and guilt, when he thought about what had happened.
what he had done,
because he was the reason they all broke apart.
it was his fault.
after waiting for a few seconds, yeona cleared her throat and started to speak.
"i think it's not bad that you called him," she simply said and shrugged her shoulders when eli looked at her in confusion.
"i know about him, i didn't know his name, but i know who you're talking about. because the first time you've been here, he was here too, and he helped you get out of all this."
finally, eli's mind clicked and he nodded.
"do you think there's hope that he has changed?" he asked hopefully, which made yeona feel bad.
"well what do you think?"
silence. as much as eden, eli hated silence, even though it was on him to answer now.
"honestly, i don't. my mind tells me i should let it go but my heart doesn't want to let it go."
yeona nodded.
"what do you want to listen to, then, your mind, or your heart?"
eli thought about it while furrowing his brows.
"my heart has gotten me inside of here, back to my starting point, it always makes me weak."
his therapist looked at him with big eyes.
"loving someone means letting them go if there's not a purpose anymore, that's strength, and that," she pointed to his chest.
"that comes from the heart, eli."
the red haired breathed out a long breath.
"you're right, hearts shatter a million times, but if the mind once shatters, the change is irreversible,"
"because the heart always remains the same, the purity it holds will always stand, it's just the mind's influence on it that makes you believe you're weak."